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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Crap, Vin Baker?

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away

I was busy the other night so here’s a Tuesday Crap List.

Crap List

1. How long does it take to get a damn cheeseburger?
I stop at Burger King for one little cheeseburger and it takes about 15 minutes. That’s inexcusable (what would possibly be a good excuse for a place called “Burger King” to not throw me a cheeseburger within 15 minutes… I mean I should be in the middle of a field at 3am and yell to the sky for a damn cheeseburger and Burger King should be able to pick up my hungry signal and drop one from the sky…am I wrong?). I guess there may be on excuse, perhaps the fat asshead in front of me decided to order everything with a side of everything else and I gotta wait for the damn kid to wheel out 4-six pound buckets of fat to this guys van.
My burger place will be much more customer friendly in that I’ll at least have burgers falling from the sky.

2. Worthless security guards
I need the assistance of plenty of guards at work so it’s never out of the ordinary to call up security for assistance. Well, I had to go off site (because my workers are dimwits) and I’m meeting this guard for the first time at this other site. I arrive to the site of some fat headed cocky son of a bitch.
Guard: very good, go through
Boof: I’m sorry to bug you but is there any chance I could get building XX unlocked? I got a package waiting for me.
(Guard looking at me with this smile that says “I’ll never do anything for you. Ever. But it is really funny to me that you’re asking)
(Boof in return looking at this fat dumbass with a serious “get that fucking look off your face you fat piece of shit“ look)
Guard: I’m sorry sir we can’t do that for you.

And that’s all that he needed to say in the first place. No stupid grins or remarks. In fact, the more I think about it, this guy was indeed The Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.

3. Vin Baker
He was on the front page of the Sports section again yesterday with a decent sized story about his career. When the T-Wolves first signed him, he had a blurb on the front page!
Vin Baker!

The guy who hasn’t done a thing in ten years. At one point, he was a decent player but even I know that he’s pretty much a waste of a bench and I’m not a basketball guy. Basically this years T-wolves team is going to be so god damn boring that the newspapers and team will feel the need to present Vin Baker to the fans. For some reason that makes me cringe just like how some tickets are $40 for such a stupid league.

I can’t wait to hear the ads on the radio,
“Come watch Vin Baker and the T-wolves as they attempt to thrash the Celtics! Buy your tickets now!”

It’s like the Twins using Ruben Sierra as a selling point.
“Come watch Ruben Sierra and your Minnesota Twins as they slaughter the White Sox”

Friday, October 27, 2006

My Ears Are Cleared!

And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away

My ears have finally cleared up! You have no idea what kind of a wind tunnel effect you have when you’re in the car and have your mouth open with an ear plugged up. Now I can hear pretty well.

Hell yeah.

Last week I went…ugh 5-8. Looking at the picks I just want to hit myself but there were a lot of “upsets” too. Like who the hell would’ve predicted the Texans to beat Jacksonville and who would’ve predicted the Cards to lose to the Raiders? Well, I didn’t

My overall record is now 67-32

Arizona @ Green Bay
It’s going to be such a party when Denny Green comes back to the Metrodome in week 12. That is, if he can keep his job until then. God damn that offensive line is terrible. You’d think that Edgerrin James could manage 50 yards a game. Then why the hell--after lucking out a safety call--would they run the ball on the one inch line? God damn I’m glad he’s not the vikes coach.
Packers 31 Cards 10

Atlanta @ Cincinnati
Also, who would’ve predicted the Falcons to beat the steelers? With as bad as the Bengals have been (relative to how everyone expected them to play) I gotta believe that the Falcons will run all over this team. Then again, you gotta figure that Chad Johnson will blow up at some point.
Falcons 28 Bengals 21

Baltimore @ New Orleans
I uh don’t really know. When you think the Ravens are good, they lay an egg against some dumb team. Then again the Saints have stayed pretty consistent throughout. I gotta go Saint on this because they’ll totally pimp the Hurricane Katrina deal (again) and the Saints will overcome.

Houston @ Tennessee
Pfff I have no idea. All I know is that now Wali Lundy is starting to do crap. Dammit.

Texans 24 Titans 14

Jacksonville @ Philadelphia
Pffff good lord, I have no idea. I guess I’m going to play the Donavon McNabb card and think that he’ll throw 400 yards passing. I don’ t know, Phillys at home so they win.
Eagles 17 Jaguars 13

Seattle @ Kansas City
Seattle sucks at home so I’m sure they’re going to suck more on the road.
Chiefs 27 Seahawks 7

San Francisco @ Chicago
Chicago is prime for an upset and the 49ers. Since I’ve been burned so much on upsets like this I’m gonna call this. 49ers win this because the Bears almost lost to the damn Cards. Ugh
49ers 24 Bears 13

Tampa Bay @ NY Giants
I gotta believe the Giants will run away with this. But what the hell do I know.
Giants 21 Bucs 10

St. Louis @ San Diego
A very intriguing game. San Diego plays awesome at home so my gut tells me that the Chargers will lead the game. But what the hell is wrong with the Chargers? I mean they should be undefeated right now. Especially since how they were so good last year and still didn’t make the playoffs.
Chargers 35 Rams 31

Indianapolis @ Denver
Broncos are a monster. 7 points given up this year? That’s just crazy and even with Peyton coming into town, I think they might score 14 but that’s it.
Broncos 24 Colts 14

NY Jets @ Cleveland
Cleveland is actually pretty good in passing defense. I didn’t know that. Hmmm
Jets 20 Browns 17

Pittsburgh @ Oakland
Oh good lord. I would hope that Pittsburgh wins this.
Steelers 30 Raiders 10

Dallas @ Carolina
Carolina is another one of those teams that cant figure out what they want to be. One week they’ll destroy their opponent and the next they’ll lose to whoever. Dallas is struggling so I would imagine that they would suck it up.
Panthers 27 Cowboys 21

New England @ Minnesota
I got to imagine that ESPN is going to pump the whole “praise to lord Brady” bit but this is an interesting game. Vikes have proven that they’re good against the run and defense in general and all the drunken vikes fans will be there. I’m gonna call a vikes victory seeing as they’ve been playing well even with that loss to the bears. Go vikes!
Vikings 23 Patriots 20

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Birthday Bits

but for seven years
you were loved
I laid golden orchid crowns
around you feet

-If there was ever a day I needed a birthday, Tuesday was it. I woke up and I was feeling a little lonely, down in the dumps, and thinking “ah geez, another year over and still I haven’t had a chance to save the world.” Needless to say I really kinda needed some people just to talk to and throughout the day I got some nice well wishes, phone calls from friends I hadn’t seen in awhile, and some nice gestures throughout the day.
Usually for my birthday I just treat it as another day but today I really absorbed everything in and I really felt blessed.

-As I get older I’m learning to appreciate the weird and useless gifts my mom buys me. This year I got a postcard from her but the post card was the exact birthday card I gave her for her birthday but it was only the cover part with Happy Birthday on the back. I looked at that and thought she was either having Alzheimer’s or it was a really weird joke. Given my sense of humor, I’ll take the latter.
For her gift she got me ceramic cows.


What the hell am I going to do with ceramic cows? When I opened up my gift I think I saw my dad look at these cows with a “what the hell did you buy our son who eats frozen pizza 3 times a day ceramic cows?”

See, back in the day my mom saw that I bought a Gateway computer (god, I’m old) and she saw how the packaging was all polka dot like. So now she thinks I like cows and she always buys me cow stuff. I like it though.

-Things I bought at Best Buy last weekend

They had double the points day and so I had to buy all that stuff.

The Who: Live at Leeds: I haven’t listened to it yet actually
Love songs: I saw the songs and I figured “hey, I enjoy all these songs and it will save me the time of looking them up on itunes so why not?”. As it turns out all these songs were by some other band and I ended up taking the damn thing back. Yuck
Andy Williams Christmas: This is what I grew up on. I haven’t busted it out but I can’t wait
Sarah McLachlan, Wintersong: I haven’t actually gotten past the first song, Happy Christmas (war is over). This isn’t just the best Christmas song ever but it’s one of the best songs ever. I love it!
Green Day, Bullet the Bible: So far I’m impressed and I’m not even a Green Day hardcore fan either
Sara Evans, Video Collection: basically this is porn because she. Is. So. Hot!
Vacation/European Vacation: one of the funniest movies ever

-I’ve always appreciated Don Henley’s “Heart of the Matter” but I never actually understood it until now. It’s a very good song and it’s really helping things out right now. He’s got a recipe for chili by the way.

-Kenny Rogers, cheating? If Tony LaRussa doesn’t care neither should anyone else. Is it possible that a network like FOX could get humble somehow?

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

New Ballpark Ideas

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

With the new ballpark being drawn up and the ideas flowing, the Star Tribune had an article on the ideas that some people have sent in for the new ballpark. I would’ve done the same but I figure, they should look HERE for my thoughts. I’m the ballpark knowitall!

Here’s what some of the suggestions were from this article,

"Create areas that provide MN flavor, such as a stream around the stadium where people paddle in canoes ... [and] polka dancing area -- make it [a] tradition during 7th-inning stretch."
I agree with part of this, I think a water feature that extends to a large area of the ballpark--maybe even around the ballpark--would be awesome. It could represent the Mississippi River and one side could be St. Paul and the other Minneapolis. The polka dancing area and making it a 7th inning stretch deal…ummmmmmm no.

"I'd like to see a replica of St. Anthony Falls behind the fence in straight-away centerfield."
Oooooh I like this idea too. St. Anthony Falls was *the*feature of Minneapolis back in the day. If there’s a way to put this somewhere, I think that would be a good choice.

"I would like to see the big weather ball from Northwestern Bank incorporated into the park somehow."
I don’t know what the hell the Northwestern Bank weather ball is. I’ll have to look in my book about that.

"Put a Ferris wheel in the outfield stands."
No, nononononononononon We don’t want any carney folk in this ballpark. We don’t need anything to distract from the game like a stupid looking ferris wheel in the outfield. Now I know that the current carney folk have dressed it up a little bit but I still don’t want to see those adam’s apples and the actual red necks.

"It would be cool to set up a system where the fans could text message an order for food or beverages to the roving vendors."
You know there’s got to be something like this to make it easier to pass out food. I’ve had thoughts of making holes between the seats so venders could push hot dogs through. Like you could drop a ten in the hole and watch the game and when you look back there’s a hot dog with a mysterious hand coming out from the hole (wow, that sounds awful). I dunno, something like that.

"Large bronze statue of Kirby Puckett at the ballpark's front gates."
Shhhhheshhh I’ve come to know that a lot of women don’t like Kirby Puckett and rightfully so. I’m not against it but if they do Kirby, they should do Carew, Hrbek, Oliva, Killabrew, ect. The way Wisconsin fans treat Brett Favre seems to be the same way the fans are treating Puckett now that he’s passed. Kirby is Minnesota’s Jesus.

"Field of Dreams: Similar to the movie, it would be a nice touch if you could find space for a few rows of corn."
There’s going to be some space in centerfield where there needs to be something dark for the hitters. I doubt they would put corn in there but I think instead of corn they should have some maple trees, oak trees, and maybe a pine thrown in. That way in September and October the leaves change and it would bring a cool dynamic to the game. Maybe the centerfielder will have leaves keeping him company in center. I think that would be cool.
I remember when the Cubs were in the NLCS and the ivy was turning brown. It was weird because no ones ever seen the ivy in October (subtle joke right there).

"Have free wireless Internet throughout the stadium."
For what? So you can bring your damn laptop and watch the game? I can just imagine some idiot in right field catching up on his spreadsheets when a homer is hit right too him. Said idiot then spill his mochalacchachino on laptop and cries like a little girl. Geez what is this place? The library? OH AND ANOTHER THING, obvious this person didn’t hear the story that Minneapolis will be all wireless in a couple years. Dumbass.

"Put a hockey rink in right field."
Haw haw I appreciate the humor. It’s got to be humor or someone really special.

"Please sell Dip-n-Dots in bowls."
I’ve never had Dip-n-Dots before but I’ve heard good things. Anyone ever had these?

"Make the stadium retractable roof ready. You have a lot of fans in North and South Dakota that need to know we will see a game when we drive 300 miles one way."
Oh will you fucking wussies shut up about the weather. There’s about 4 games called for weather every year so the chances aren’t likely you’ll miss the game. If that’s a problem then stay an extra day. I can’t believe all the damn freeze babies whining over--not January weather, not February weather, not even December weather--but September/October weather. Where the low usually gets down to 40 degrees. Oh lord, move to Texas if you can’t handle October weather.

"Please hire a professional organist and let him or her play between innings. Blasting pop music all the time was fine in the Dome, but baseball fans want an atmosphere like Wrigley Field, not a football stadium."
Yes! Good call! There needs to be an organist in this new place. There’s nothing more baseball than a damn good organist.

"Don't give in to the people pushing for a roof. We Minnesotans embrace the weather, whatever it is. Heated seats is all we need."
THANK YOU!!!! God damn whiners. Heated seats will be cool. Bring a blanket and you’ll be toasty warm.

"Retractable roof, hotel and pool on complex, casino, batting cages and pitching machines, mini-mall with restaurants, movie theater."
No, lets not turn this place into Las Vegas please. I know people have ADD but we don’t need all that damn crap.

"Minnesota should have the world's largest log cabin stadium."
Not a bad Idea but no thanks. I’ve never been privileged to have a cabin so poo-poo!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Cowboy Junkies Review

I hope that I find what I'm reaching for
The way that it is in my mind
I hope that I won't be that wrong anymore
and maybe to have learned this time

If you ever have the opportunity to see a band or musical act at the Guthrie Theatre, do it. The place is absolutely gorgeous. This particular night had one of my favorite bands playing and I was stoked just walking in. The Cowboy Junkies were the band that I came to see and I love seeing this band because I know the fans and the venue had to be great.

The new Guthrie is phenomenal. The concourses are dark and club like. The views from inside (and inside looking out) are spectacular. The place is simply beautiful right on down to the bathrooms. Instead of the typical urinals, they give you a metallic trough and instead of a giant trough, you get your own personal trough which is nice. Also I don’t think there is any possible way to get any piddle backsplash on yourself because the individual trough-style urinal is engineered so all the piddle goes where it’s supposed to so that’s awesome. Then the sinks have a steady stream of warm water that falls from a soffit style faucet. Really cool!

The crowd that showed up was:
-predominately white (except for one African American fellow)
-about 80% wore glasses of some kind
-about 80% were older than 30
-almost everyone was wearing nice kinda clothes (instead of the typical ripped up old concert T)
-everyone probably listens to MPR
-and about 110% of everyone is kinda liberal, liberal, or flag burning-Canadian worshipping-forgiving everyone for anything liberal.

Basically the typical Junkies crowd. What I like is these people wont be doing the stupid things like singing along and screaming out during the song. Also that obligatory drunk guy on the balcony will be nowhere to be found. Thank god. The venue as a whole is how I think almost every concert should be. Small, intimate, with good sound. Basically there were only about 1000 seats and they all were pointed toward the small thrust stage. It’s everything a concert should be in my opinion.

The warm up band was just a couple guys and they were kinda boring. One thing that was cool was they called up someone who was celebrating his 50th birthday and the crowd sang happy birthday for him. What’s really weird is that the crowd sang pretty well instead of the drunk yelling crap.

The Junkies then went on (after what seemed like a half hour of wating) and to me, they didn’t disappoint. They played “open” and “common disaster” . The number that I really liked was “Dreaming My Dreams With You” which was excellent.

I’ve come to the conclusion that with such a small venue and following, the lead singer could say almost anything and gain some laughs. It’s the perfect place for that anecdote with any sort of clincher. Margo Timmins (lead singer) had her share of anecdotes with Joni Mitchell’s sick cat, some guy thinking she was a bus driver, and some road trip stories. She always knows the perfect thing to say and has a great sense of humor about herself.

After the show Margo Timmins stays after and chats with the folks because she likes it. The past Junkies concerts I’ve been to I haven’t been able to chat because I never had time. This time I made sure she signed my copy of “Lay it Down” and I brought my camera to get a picture with her. I got my autograph and I got my picture so I walked away very happy.

It’s my birthday today so wish me a happy birthday!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Euthanasia? What the Hell?

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

Crap List

1. Craig Schelske
This man is a dumbass of epic proportion. He is, the perfect dumbass.

Schelske is the guy who committed adultery (allegedly), was an alcoholic (allegedly), and watched porn when his kids came in the room (allegedly) all of which prompted his wife to file for divorce.

His ex wife is Sara Evans.


Lets just have that soak in for one more second

This man, who had the woman with the amazing: body, singing voice, talking voice (oh how I love that southern drawl), and of course smile…and he fucked it up.

Who the hell would you rather sleep with when you have Sara Evans in your bed every night? For what purpose does one need to drink when you have that goddess to tour on the road with? Why does one even need porn when you’re married to Sara Evans and you don’t intend on watching it together?

These are the questions that I have which have momentarily put on hold my previous questions of “what comes after death?” and “will handwriting die in another 15 years?”

You were married to Sara Evans…and you pull all that crap. I just don’t get it.

I guess that’s all good because I can give her some of my good ole’ Berg charm and sweep her off her feet.
After all, I wouldn’t watch porn and allow her kids to walk in on me watching said porn.

2. Service Plans
When you buy something really, really expensive I can understand purchasing a service plan because there are duds out there. If you own something for 2 years and it breaks, it’s nice to know you have some insurance on the merchandise and you can save yourself from a headache.

There is one thing involved with the service plan, it disappears after a certain period of time. That’s right, it vanishes or it levitates and decides to burn itself or it simply just disintegrates after no time. It’s really weird but it’s ingenious. It’s like the pen ink that disappears after set time.

You could frame the service plan, have a couple neon lights flashing with arrows pointed at it, and set all the reminders in the whole damn world and somehow that service plan will disappear and turn to dust. They couldn’t just make the damn plan thingy out of whatever they made the Constitution with could they. Yeah, then it would last for 200+ years and then Best Buy would be screwed in 2206. That is, if you were to buy a 200 year service plan which I most certainly will do!

3. Euthanasia, on the first date?
Who in their right mind would even mention anything even close to the topic of euthanasia on the first date? How exactly does this topic come into come to fruition…at all?

Well, I’m asking myself this because I actually stumbled upon this topic during my mad whirlwind of talking during this particular first date.
See, here’s what I do, I talk and ramble and give anecdotes until we stumble onto a topic, story, idea, joke that sticks and then let the conversation go from there. It works! It works until you stumble on the wrong subject. Wrong subject = Extreme religion/politics, abortion, and euthanasia. These are the subjects where you wait until you know the person and THEN touch on it. You talk, yell, cry, make up, and then make wild passionate love and everything is alright. This scenario is hard in a first date unless you bought a hooker or are imagining the whole thing. Neither applied in this case.

So we drift into euthanasia and I have my cynical belief about people in vegetative states and she has the opposing view which I understand. We trade examples, suppressed shocked looks, and suppressed frowns until we mutually agreed to change the subject.

I forgot what the next subject was but I’m sure it was a hell of a lot simpler than euthanasia; it was probably boobs or baseball, subjects which are easy for me. As it turns out, we both mutually agreed to a 2nd date but good lord, Sara Evan’s probably wouldn’t put up with that crap.
I could’ve lost Sara Evans and you only get one chance at Sara Evans.

(Boof in a first date with Sara Evans)
Boof: I always thought it was interesting in Apollo 13 when Tom Hanks was thinking about, you know aborting the mission and risk not going on the moon? Do you believe in abortion at this point?

Boof slaps himself in the head: dear lord, I did it again.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Awesome pics

Rubin Carter was falsely tried.
The crime was murder "one," guess who testified?
Bello and Bradley and they both baldly lied
And the newspapers, they all went along for the ride.

It was quite amazing last week. I was sitting next to the owner of “Pocket Rockets” and he was hopeless that his team would beat mine…like he should. He was going on and on about how everyone scores the high score of the week against him and how everything was hopeless. My guys seemed to be doing pretty well but I wasn’t sure.

I came home and I was actually losing 75-62 with the 2nd half of the late games left. I cried,
“Oh no!” and then took a shower.

I came back to my room after my shower and I was suddenly up 100-75 and all the world was right.

I just wish I would’ve won the damn $3 though.

Last week I kinda sucked. I went 8-5 in my picks BUT I did manage to pick the Lions first win so I feel that was worth like 4 victories So I consider myself going 12-5 instead.

Overall I’m 62-24 which is still pretty good

Carolina @ Cincinnati
This is the matchup I want to see. It seems that Cincinnati and their two-headed Johnson in Rudi and Chad haven’t been doing anything this year. Carolina, on the other hand, seems to always develop their ‘captain america’ defense as the year progresses. For instance I’ll pick up maybe a measly 2 points from that defense in the first 5 weeks but then they’ll go insane and score me 17 by week 9. For the rest of the year they’ll be consistently awesome. I’m taking the Panthers because I don’t trust all those Johnson’s that Cincinnati has.
Panthers 27 Bengals 21

Detroit @ NY Jets
If Detroit ends up losing all the rest of their games two things will happen: 1) I will knight myself Sir Boof is Awesome for correctly predicting every Lions game (I don’t think I’ve predicted them to win before…why would I?) and 2) Matt Millen will still, somehow, keep his job. Bring back Marty Morningweg or whatever.
Jets 28 Lions 24

Green Bay @ Miami
Ugh. Hey this is just like the “Something About Mary” line.
“You’re Brett? What are you doing here?
“I’m in town to play the dolphins you dumbass.”
Maybe he’s doing the same this weekend? That would be awesome!
Oh god, do I have to predict a winner in this game?
Dolphins 31 Packers 21 go Joey…pfff

Jacksonville @ Houston
Maurice Drew-Jones sounds like a middle aged woman’s name. The woman who has a career as a field reporter and doesn’t want to relinquish her maiden name. Is Jones the last name of his bitch or is he the bitch? Either way, I hope he’s on my team. There’s a place for him on the Colostomy Crushers.
Jaguars: a lot Texans: not enough

New England @ Buffalo
I actually haven’t heard much Tom Brady love this year. It’s really weird or maybe I’m not paying attention but it seems as if all the Tom Brady gang bang patrol has migrated to New Orleans for Reggie Bush’s mardi gras gangbang.
Patriots 31 Bills 14

Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay
I’m still trying to figure out how the hell Tampa beat the Bengals last week.

The only thing I can come up with is maybe the tampa bay visitor’s locker room was painted pink and all the football players hated it so they played poorly. Maybe Philly wins this week because they’re afraid of the pink locker rooms. Nah Donavon will torch the Bucs for 600 yards probably.
Eagles 34 Bucs 17

Pittsburgh @ Atanta
Atlanta is toast with the Pittsburgh defense. Ron Mexico will get his torso ripped off with that defense

Steelers 24 Falcons 10

San Diego @ Kansas City
Oooh another good game. The Chiefs seem to be one of those teams that seem completely unstoppable at home but the Chargers have a pretty good defense and Nate Kaeding! Dun-dun-duun

Chargers 24 Chiefs 21

Denver @ Cleveland
Sara Evans, If you happen to see this, I’ve been waiting for you for five years. I’ll never cheat on you and I’ll dance with you all the time. Sara, I don’t care that you have like 3 kids because I know I’m not fit to be a father but I am fit to make myself a father…over and over again if you let me. Haha
Broncos 30 Browns 17

Arizona @ Oakland
Well, since I probably blew my chance with Sara Evans with my ‘middle school humor’ I should probably pick up a back up singer whose leg I can pretend to hump in the middle of the night. You know, there’s no one that can compare to Sara. Have you seen that ass? Oh my god. Sara, I want you and I will be your slave if you want one!
Arizona will/should win this a score is worthless with this game. It’s like a kid’s T-ball game.

Washington @ Indianapolis
I think Indy has this because the Redskins suck on the road…I think.
I dunno
Colts 21 Redskins 17

NY Giants @ Dallas
Hell if I know. I thought the Giants would lose to the Falcons last week but now with Dallas. I think Dallas loses because they’re not as talented as NY. Dallas sucks ass.
Giants 24 Cowboys 17

Minnesota @ Seattle
Have we ever beaten Seattle before…ever? I wonder if they’ll try to divert everything to Nate Burleson who they want to think, they stole from us for that Steve Hutchingson deal. They can have him for all anyone cares here. I just don’t think the Vikings have enough offense (or any offense) that can compete with the seawhores

Prove me wrong guys
Seahawks 17 Vikings 13

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Bulb Bits

Every word of every song that he sang was for you.
In a flash he was gone
it happened so soon,

-I’ve learned two very important lessons this week. One of which I learned from my own laziness and the other from someone else’s mistake.

Always wear your seatbelt (or a buck will hit you)
Be honest (or it will bite you in the ass)

-Speaking of that buck, I think after further review, the thing must’ve jumped over my car. If that’s the case then I feel like I should be given points like a I was playing a video game. Perhaps I should’ve hopped on the deer and he’d turn upside down and fall into nothingness.
Plus 1000 points!

-I know it makes Sugar Tits very jealous but I did indeed receive the “blogger of the day” award for last Thursdays entry and it’s my forth time being awarded such a title. Now I feel like I could hijack a really small plane (like Cory Lidle) and accidentally crash into a high rise and receive tons of media and sympathy from G4 (or maybe the game show network) and I will be dubbed an American hero.

Local blogger, goofball crashes into the high rise.

-okay now that I know homeland security is reading this I want you to know that I don’t plan on doing such a stunt. I may make a reenactment with milk jugs and paper figures though. Hmmmm

-I’m wondering if St. Louis faces Detroit in the World Series, would FOX just pack up and not broadcast it because there’s not big market involved? I’m wondering if ESPN would bother to bring a reporter because there’s no Derek Jeter story or any Red Sox drama to report. Maybe they’ll bring a guy out there and say,
“Hi I’m Ralph and here at Comerica Park, where the Red Sox lost 5 games, Game one will be played. Today’s game is 31 years from the famous 1975 world series between the Red Sox and some other team.”

-The Colostomy Crushers had a league season high 103 points going into Monday night. For having high score of the week we receive $3 which is awesome for some reason. Anyway, lets just say someone had the Bears defense and Anquan Boldin and I was outscored 122-109. I mean, god damn. That’s just a big bowl of suck.

-My television, my baby, is sick. I was watching the highlights to the Bears/Cards game when,
“POOF” everything turned black. Apparently the bulb blew and now I gotta get a new one. I just hope I fan find my service plan deal so I don’t have to pay for the $200 bulb. God dammit.

-Finally, although I had been strung along for a couple months and I’m above being vengeful, it’s just fitting that fate would end up serving the cold dish to someone who was never honest.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Deer, we're through!

I got scratches all over my arms
One for each day since I fell apart
I did, oh, what I had to do
If there was a reason it was you

Last night I had a crazy experience.

So after work I was dinking around town here getting gas and running a few errands before I went home. It was a cold, wet rainy night as I was heading down the street and my mind is wandering. I’m thinking about what I’m going to do tomorrow, what If my roommate is back from her vacation, and who I need to call tomorrow.

Still wandering I continue to drive down a straightaway toward my place when I look out toward the end of the street. Time then slowed down because that’s when I saw dimmed body of an animal near my front fender from the corner of my eye. With that came the head of the giant buck lunging across my hood--this is while I’m going 40mph--and I can see all the antlers right in front of me.

It was less than a second and I immediately braced myself because I thought this buck would run right into my car (he was pretty much right there). I briefly closed my eyes and hunched toward the middle of my console and waited.


I checked my nuts, checked my face, and checked my arm and I was all there. I checked the door and it wasn’t dented. I even checked the window and it wasn’t cracked. I then got outside to check the colossal ding on the side of my car--nothing. I couldn’t find anything.

AND DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. It happened just like that bear that I saw (he had a giant jar of honey wrapped around his nose). But the only thing on my car that I could find was one scratch towards the roof. I looked at my car in amazement with the adrenalin still pumping and I couldn’t believe it.

I then went home and went to sleep.

Quite frankly I’m disappointed because I, afterall, named my fantasy team “The Deer” two years ago and I figured I had this silent understanding between me and my fellow deer. How dare one collides with my boofmobile! I’m so outraged that I’m going to wage war on the deer and eat venison whenever I can.

There! Take that you dumb deers!

The end.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Album Review: Living With Ghosts

For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood
That runs in your veins

Living With Ghosts, By Patty Griffin

When I first shed an ear towards Patty Griffin’s music I had listened to her loose hit, One Big Love. One Big Love was stylish, had a rich country feel but without the overly twangy vocals, and seemed to have a bit of down home soul to it. It was awesome and I immediately became hooked.
I started out listening to Griffin’s 2nd album, Flaming Red which contained blues songs, country songs, folk songs, and some genuine rock songs. It was very diverse and unlike anything I have ever heard before. After hearing a lot of acclaim for Living With Ghosts, I figured that if Flaming Red was great, Ghosts should blow me away.

It actually didn’t at first because it wasn’t at all what I expected. I was used to the diversity of Flaming Red but instead I got acoustic, hardcore folk. There is no percussion on Ghosts, just Patty and her guitar which caught me off guard and allowed me to put it on my shelf for a month until I truly discovered it.

1. Moses

Diamonds, Roses
I need Moses

The first lyrics seem to convey the frustration with being a single woman with only a gay man to spend time with. It’s very interesting because she seems to interlace some biblical themes about crossing the river and of course, Moses.

2. Let Him Fly
Probably better known as the Dixie Chicks hit instead of the Patty Griffin hit. In fact the Dixie Bitches have used about 4 of Patty’s songs for various albums and cashed in on her writing talent.

But yeah, Let Him Fly is another song that have varying themes of faith and religion, which, for me, was really weird seeing as she has a song on Flaming Red called “Wiggly Fingers” deals with masturbation and how the church is against it. She really goes after Pope John Paul in there too.

3. Every Little Bit
Patty deals with a ton of subjects in her songs from domestic abuse to religion in all aspects. In Every Little Bit it could be interpreted as some guy cheating on her and she’s reflecting on all the questions from within the relationship that are starting to make sense.

I can chew like a cannon ball I can yell like a cat
I even had you believing that really like it like that

This song has me believing that this really happened to her because she seems to sing it with such angst. Probably her most believable song.

4. Time Will Do the Talking

Time will do the talking
Years will do the walking
I’ll just find a comfy spot and wait it out

Basically this is exactly what the title says, wait and see I guess.

5. Mad Mission

A nice little song about maybe a challenging job or me and dating right now. I guess it’s all about wanting to have challenges in your life. Or maybe it’s just about life. I dunno.

6. Poor Man’s House
Now here’s where we get into the really cool stuff. Poor Man’s House is an absolute gem of a song with lyrics that are phenomenal.

You know you've done enough when every bone is sore
You know you've prayed enough
when you don't ask any more
You know you're coming to some kind of understanding
When every dream you've dreamed
has passed and you're still standing
Mama says God tends to every little skinny sheep
So count your ribs and say your prayers and get to sleep
Nothing is louder to God's ears than a poor mans sorrow
Daddy is poor today and he will be poor tomorrow

Perfectly conveys the hopelessness of that particular situation. I especially love the Mother quotes in how she’s talking to her kids on what God does. It’s just beautiful

Hey that's the poor man's house
Everybody get a look at the poor man's house
Everywhere they went before must have turned them out
And now they're living in a poor man's house

There's nothing like poverty to get you into heaven
They got a lot of wine and fish up there
And the bread's unleavened
They got a lot of ears that heard a whip go crack
Lots of missing toes and fingers
and scars upon their backs
Daddy's been working too much for days and days and he doesn't eat
He never says much
but I think this time it's got him beat
It isn't that he isn't strong or kind or clever
Your daddy's poor today
And he will be poor forever

Now this verse deals with slavery and all the poor slaves are now up in heaven which I have always thought of and interesting twist. It seems to establish some sort of hot summer feel maybe (or maybe that’s incredibly racist. I dunno)
Also the last two lines, ‘You’re daddy’s poor today and he will be poor forever’ seem to really stand out

Hey, that's the poor man's house
Those kids are living in a poor man's house
They walk to school with the soles
of their shoes worn out
And come home in the evening to the poor man's house

What are you chopping that wood for
Why are you growing that corn
Mama's sewing a brand new shirt and
You're wearing the one that's torn
I guess it's for someone else's kid who wasn't born
In a poor man's house

This is another classic verse which paints the picture of the family struggling with their poverty and the struggles with maintaining a family

Hey take a look at that house
Everybody we're living in a poor man's house
Seems like everywhere we go they find us out
Find out that we've been living in a poor man's house

As you can probably tell, I love this song. This song is one of the most vivid songs I’ve ever heard. The crazy thing is, it’s not the best song on the album.

7. Forgiveness
I guess this was the song I was listening to while the Hurricane Katrina thing was going on on.

We are swimming with the snakes
At the bottom of the well

She sings these lines very well.

Open your eyes boy
I think we are saved
Take a walk on the bridge
Right over this mess

Those were the specific lines that made me think of Katrina.

I guess what I really like about the song is that it stays with the spiritual theme and ends with

Everybody needs a little forgiveness
Which I think is simple and beautiful

8. You never get what you want

Ever since I've know you you've walked that walk
You've broken all the records
Now you've broken all the clocks

My favorite lyric of the song.

9. Sweet Lorraine
Clearly a puzzling song painting the picture of a woman growing up with no support and anyone that believed in her.

Her mother threw stones at her
The day that she moved

Her her daddy called her a slut and a whore
On the night before her wedding day
Very next morning at the church
Her daddy gave Lorraine away

How that for lyrics? I mean good lord that’s the kind of thing chills are made of.

10. Not Alone
Probably the most chilling song I have ever heard. This very song makes this album priceless.

I could easily write down all the lyrics but there is one verse that I would like to point out.

One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running , a flash of light
Then everything changed
Nothing really matters in the end you know
All the worries severs
Don't be afraid for me my friend
one day we all fall down forever

This verse tells the time before the bullet hits the person, the moment it hits the person, and everything after.

It’s just phenomenal is all I can say.

Living With Ghosts has some absolute gems and it’s probably one of the lyrical highlights to my music collection (not that I have a lot but…).

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I'm Tired Crap

I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it

Crap List

1. Once again, The Hot Tub

The more I think about it, the more of a stupid fucking idea it seems. First I thought it was a terrible idea in terms of me seeing more BJ’s from my roommate and her BJ friend but now it’s a bad idea in terms of the structural integrity of the place.

For instance, I remember when I took a “My Home, My Environment” class (basically it’s a class that teaches you R factors and everything one should know about owning a home) and I remember talking about indoor spas. Basically you might as well take a battle axe to the floorboards, sheetrock, and any electrical devises because shit’s gonna get wet. For as hard of a time people have with keeping water OUT of a house through caulking, sealing, and digging.

Despite all that… YOU PUT A GOD DAMN HOT TUB INSIDE THE DAMN PLACE? Seriously, you gotta be a fucking dumbass to do that. I know the thing has a cover and all but I know better than anyone that they’re going to pass out and leave that thing open all night which will be enough to start the rotting process.

God damn, might as well light a fire and set the whole place on fire.

2. That Cory Lidle Fiasco

I believe I read a headline that read,
Now, if anyone knew anything about this story, they’d know that a headline like that is complete bullshit. While it may technically be true, it’s pretty obvious that the program is trying to convey another 9/11 message and work everyone into a lather.
Then once they found out it was a small plane and that there weren’t that many people involved, they used the Cory Lidle angle. You would’ve thought that a 8 time all star would’ve passed away by the way ESPN was treating the story. They spent nearly an entire sportscenter on the guy! Cory Lidle who is best known for…. I don’t fucking know?

3. Work
I swear the big wigs at work are almost all complete dolts. I can ask, whine, cry, yell, and beg for a particular work order and not receive it until the weather is too cold and the job is unable to be done. Then I get yelled at for not doing said job when I have no way to control the work order process. If something doesn’t come through then it should’ve been my job to remind someone.

They actually yell at me for trivial stuff as reminding the dumbarses to do their job. I swear it’s just a load of crap.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Week 6 Picks

I am a poor wayfaring stranger
Travelling through this world of woe
There's no sickness, toil or danger
In that bright land to which I go

The Daunte era is over. At least for my flailing Colostomy Crushers that is. Daunte had a memorable week two when he threw a touchdown pass…in garbage time. Also in week 3 when he passed for a touchdown…also in garbage time. I think my favorite Daunte moment was when he was benched for…JOEY GOD DAMN HARRINGTON.

Good god.

Now if my Colostomy Crushers could play half as well as my pics, I would be money.

Last week, haha last week I went…..
Forget those phony ads on the radio for pics, I have the right pics, and they’re free

Which makes my overall mark to 54-19 (I would be a millionaire!)

Buffalo @ Detroit
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Detroit wins their first game of the season right here. I don’t know who’s injured or who is even on the Lions but I just have a good feeling about this
Lions 17 Bills 13

Carolina @ Baltimore
This will come down to defenses and if that’s the case, I think Baltimore’s prison gangbanger defense will out perform the Carolina “captain america” defense. Or whatever
Ravens 24 Panthers 13

Cincinnati @ Tampa Bay
About as good as a preseason game
Bengals 31 Bucs 10

Houston @ Dallas
Please, please get the ball to TO for the love of god. Dallas has this in the bag man
Cowboys 27 Texans 20

NY Giants @ Atlanta
I’m going to say the Falcons win this because why not? Eli is playing in a big scary dome and that calls for a loss
Falcons 23 Giants 17

Philadelphia @ New Orleans
If only McNabb could get one decent receiver healthy. He’d be passing for 400 yards instead of the measly 300 that he normally puts up. I like this game though. I think it will be close.
Eagles 33 Saints 28

Seattle @ St. Louis
Interesting. I’d pick St. Louis but my hatred toward the Seahawks is now over so I’m going seahawks from now on.
Seahawks 31 Rams 24

Tennessee @ Washington
Tennessee bores me. I’ll never pick them again unless they play Oakland.
Redskins 35 Titans 17

Kansas City @ Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh has to be pissed being 1-3 or whatever. I think Pittsburgh runs away with this because they’re mad and going to let everyone have it.
Steelers 23 Chiefs 21

Miami @ NY Jets
This is why I got Chad Pennington, so I don’t have to watch Jake Delhomme suck it up this weekend. Too bad they both have the same bye week.
Jets 31 Dolphins 20

San Diego @ San Francisco
I think this may be a little closer than the british tabloids would have you believe. I think the Chargers, with Antonio Gates, will win though.
Chargers 21 49ers 20

Oakland @ Denver
I’m almost tempted to play Rod Smith but I know they will run the ball like mad. So all I know is that Oakland sucks so Denver wins.
Broncos 30 Radiers suck

Chicago @ Arizona
This is the Monday night game? Good god. What a bunch of crappy games for a Sunday and Monday night.
Bears 20 Cards 0

There ya go. Now I’ll probably follow up that awesome 13-1 week with a 1-12 week.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Plugged Ears Bits

A piece of the action, pieces of gold
Everyone's paid well and does what they're told
For the simple daughter of a simple man

-Honestly, I couldn’t believe all the news commotion for Cory Lidle. I know the main story was that a plane hit a 50 story high rise in NYC but after that I don’t understand. For one, if 2 (or was it 4) people died in NYC, why do I care being in Minnesota? Also, if they’re trying to put a 9/11 spin on this, it’s really, really stretching. Then the Cory Lidle thing makes the story a bit of a story but it’s not like he was Daryl Kile or anything. Yes, it’s tough because he had a wife and kid but if that’s it, then who outside of NYC and his former fans would really care? There are so many stories where a dad dies and leaves his family that don’t involve baseball players, so why should we care about this one just because a guy plays baseball? What about a janitor or a department head? No one outside the department would care then.

They were thinking of canceling the ALCS game 2 because of this. Why?

-That being said, I think the Tigers totally have this thing in the bag. National League is basically irrelevant at this point.

-It’s pretty cool that the place we hiked (just outside of Finland, MN) is going to get 3” of snow today. Supposedly. That would suck especially since I lost my polar fleece pants on the trail. Oh well, I guess I have to buy a better, cooler, warmer pair of polar fleece pants.

-Does anyone have any good recommendations for shavers? Electric or disposable blade? I’m ready to start using something else but I don’t know what.

-I must say, I’ve been to a strip joint before but of all the times that I’ve been to one, not once have I gotten ran over by a car causing me to shoot my gun in the air 5 times for self defense. Then again, I’m not a forward for the Pacers either.

Maybe next time that happens though. Who knows.

-Someone asked me about the lamest sports logos and I would have to say that the: titans, Broncos, Falcons, almost every NBA logo, and a lot of the newish NHL logos. Basically new=bad because they lack character.

-both my ears are plugged now. Aright this reminds me when I started my job. I just got back from backpacking in Sequoia National Park and I caught a cold in the process. When I catch colds, my ears plug up so I’m a bit of an idiot for a week or so giving out weird responses to questions and conversations. For instance,

“Tom, do you know where my coffee went?”
Me: Oh, okay. Hahahah

And they just look at me like an idiot. It’s only when both ears are plugged when you start to figure out who the soft talkers are and who the clear, awesome, loud talkers are. Go to hell you soft talkers!

Superior Hiking Trail '06

And into the fire
I'm reunited
Into the fire
I am the spark

We did it again, we attempted to hike a 11 mile portion of the Superior Hiking Trail (SHT). The weather was right, the leaves had changed (and fallen), and we had all submitted our fantasy football roster (still didn't matter for me though, my team sucks). This year hiking the SHT was absolutely beautiful. Here are some pictures of our trip.

This was our planned hike. Crosby Manitou state park was our goal.
This was the first couple steps of the trail. How cool is that?
Like I said, the colors had changed. This first stretch of the trail had a lot of these maples.
We finally made it to camp at Egge Lake. Since there was a clear sky at 10pm, we decided to sleep under the stars because it's cool and we're too lazy to set up a tent.
This is Egge Lake. I had this vision that a camp full of hotties were at the North campsite on the other end of the lake. We saw some lights from there but the next morning we found out that there's one of them expensive "cabins" (aka: expensive home with a green roof).
The trail had numerous bridges like this whenever it was needed.
This was "old trapper's cabin" which was located just outside of Egge Lake. This would be a pretty cool cabin...if it didn't of caved in.
Sonju Lake: There was actually a beautiful campsite located right next to this lake. We didnt' camp there because we had only hiked about 2 miles from the last campsite but it would be excellent for a campfull of hotties. This Sonju Lake campsite also had this awesome boardwalk that led to an island where you could see all of the lake.
All the campsites had a latrine like this. How would you like to poop in this? What's weird about pooping in the woods is that you're not confined in a stall but out in the wide open. I remember when I went backpacking in the Superstition Mountains (east of Phoenix) I pooped on the side of this mountain and had the best pooping view ever.

I just thought you all should know that.
The second night we came to this fantastic campsite just on edge of a couple streams. As you can see there's a bench next to the firepit, the firepit, and then where there should be a bench there's a stream which makes for one of the best campsites I have ever been to.
This is the other main stream right next to camp. For as beautiful as this campsite was, it constantly makes you want to piss with all the flowing water sounds.
That night we started messing around with our digital cameras playing around with the daily settings and all. I thought I would start taking pictures of Teal and Harrison looking at his camera and trying to figure it out. I love this picture!
This is the full moon that night. I don't know if this is cool or not. I guess it could be the last sight of a baby just before they come out of their mommy.
That night we slept outside again to clear skies. Teal woke us up at 4am because he felt raindrops and then they stopped. I woke everyone up at 6am because I felt raindrops and then they stopped. For those who don't sleep outside much, when it rains and you're sleeping, for some reason the first reaction is to pull the sleeping bag over your face as if that's the end all/say all to any problem going on...including rain. We actually had to wake up in the middle of the night last year to move all our crap to a nearby tarp so we wouldn't sleep soaking wet.
Look how cool this trail is.
We finished a day earlier than expected. We could've ran through this trail with how flat it was.
We had some extra time and we heard good things about this loop.
The loop was awesome. This is Teal looking at Lake Superior...or some hottie's ass.
I don't know what lake this is but it was on display from Oberg Mountain. Notice how it's surrounded by pines (hey, I think that's cool at least).
On the way back we stopped at Betty's Pies which is a favorite north shore restaurant. There was a table of old people behind us and they managed to knock this thing off the window. It landed on this old lady and everyone at the table was completely stunned. Everyone in that particular area of the restaurant was gawking as if someone just got stabbed about eleven times but it was just some stupid crap on the window.
Here's some food porn for you. I had the Great Lakes Crunch which was excellent
Teal had the French Blueberry Cream or something and I think he liked it.

Overall I had a blast this year on the trail. The terrain was absolutely beautiful and everything seemed to work out. When I came home I actually had a bit of withdrawel because I really wanted to go back and sleep outside. I highly recommend that everyone go out and check out this trail up north. Don't worry, all the campsites and the trail is free.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Floggin a LIVE Horse

Hey your glass is empty
it's a hell of a long way home
why don't you let me take you
it's no good to go alone

We went, we saw, and we had fun. Superior Hiking Trail ‘06 was a major success. I’ll have pictures tomorrow.

Now on to the…

Crap List

1. The Hot Tub
I came home a day early from my camping trip to my roommate and Mr. BJ very drunk. They asked about my trip but were itching to tell me about their “big deal”.

“We got, the best mother fucking hot tub. Ever!”

And immediately I was excited. The kind of excited when you’re a little kid and you find out you’re staying at a motel with a pool. I started to have fantasies where I’m in the hot tub making out with Jennifer Love Hewitt. That’s about as exited as I got though because they kept talking.

“This thing is TOP OF THE LINE and it cleans itself!”

That’s when I remembered my old friend Claire talking about hot tubs,
“Hot tubs are nothing but seamen infested troughs.”

And that is what this particular hot tub is going to be…and it’s going to be right outside my room.

“So if you want to use the hot tub it’ll cost an extra $50 a month because it’s expensive.”
You’re asking me if I want to soak in Mr. BJ’s seamen? For fifty bucks! What a deal!

“Of course we’ll have to come up with some signals in case we’re..ah..”in the middle of something.”
Oh make it stop. Leave, just leave.
“Like you could throw me my underwear or I dunno we’ll think of something.

LA LA LA I didn’t hear that LA LA LA

Motherfucker! And I know I’ll have one of those long days where I’ll get over my fears of said hot tub and actually soak in it. I can just imagine myself sitting in there with just my head sticking out wearing this disgusted, Charlie Brown type of scowl. Of course the ordeal wouldn't be complete without a bunch of sarcasm to compliment my fear,

"Wow, I feel like I'm swimming in boiling tartar sauce. Maybe I should be wearing protection being in here."


I still have the same scenario as above with the Charlie Brown scowl and then the land lord comes in the hot tub with me.



The landlord and Mr. BJ both come in the hot tub with me!


2. Good for Nothing Workers
You tell them and tell them. “Don’t do this because….”. You tell them so many times that it becomes laughable and they nod their head because they know you’re flogging a dead horse.

But the horse isn’t dead


WHY THE HELL DO THEY STILL FUCK IT UP? WHAT CAN YOU DO LESS OF DOING THE FUCKING WORK FOR THEM? I swear to god some workers are not just worthless, they’re completely worthless!

3. 2006 Minnesota Twins
Baaaaah They work so hard to take the AL Central and then they get swept right away in the playoffs. I suppose it’s better that the A’s win instead of the White Sox or Yankees but still, it sucks.
For some reason I think the A’s just had it in them though to sweep. For some reason I can picture the A’s players in the locker room trying to pump themselves up before the game when the manager walks in…carrying a shot gun.


And that’s what makes great managing!

Thursday, October 05, 2006

no time...

baaah, I haven't packed yet and I'm going camping in....not too many hours.

I'm an iodot!


Last week I went 9-5 and overall I'm 41-18
The winners this week --yes, I know lame that sounds--are

St. Louis
NY Giants
New Orleans
New England
San Francisco
Kansas City
Philadelphia (TO has a monster day of 3 catches for 19 yards)
San Diego (Pittsburgh gets off to a 1-3 start)

and......MINNESOTA BABY!!!!

and if I'm wrong, I'll eat an entire pizza. Sausage and pepperoni no less!

Also please, please god let me come home on Monday finding out that the Twins won 3 in a row. Please!

have a good weekend everyone.