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Monday, November 06, 2006

E-85 Crap

Sleep baby sleep
Now that the night is over
And the sun comes like a god
Into our room
All perfect light and promises


Crap List

1. That gawd awful Vikings game yesterday
Holy crap if I could only have those lousy three hours back, I could probably have done something constructive like raking an old person’s yard or go to church, or not watch a fucking field goal fest. Maybe it’s because I’ve been spoiled by the video game offense that the Vikings always seem to have for the last ten years or maybe it’s the fact that they suck ass and their five yard dump offs just are soooooo painful to watch. Either way I think it’s time we put in a black quarterback and watch the scoreboard light up (yeah, I’ll admit that I’m racist against white quarterbacks).
Maybe then, perhaps we could score more than 7 or 3 points and then we could actually win a game! 3 points against the damn 49ers. Oh god, I could’ve been watching Borat in that amount of time.

2. John Mellencamp’s Chevy song
You know, the “this is our country” song that is played during every commercial break during any football game. That is literally the case because it’s always on and if the commercial is going to be running through the damn Superbowl and even into the March Madness crap I’ll just go ahead and kill myself now. I hate having to sit at Buffalo Wild Wings every Sunday and listening to that same twangy crap every fifteen damn minutes.
(Chevy Exec talking on the phone to CBS)
CE: So I would like you to play this awesome tune as much as you can.
CBS: Like are we talking about 4 spots per game or 3 spots?
CE: I'm thinking about 200 spots per game. Like maybe have a complete commercial break with back-to-back-to-back-to-back Mellencamp and then kickoff and then Mellencamp, Mellencamp, and more Mellencamp. Then when the viewer will think they've had enough Mellencamp we'll launch even MORE mellencamp at them!
CBS: Okaaaaaay. But isn't that a bit much?
CE twitching and with eyes wide: hehe NO! hehe more Mellencamp. MORE COCKSUCKIN MELLENCAMP!!!! HAHAHAHAHA YAAAAAHAHAHAHAH

*********
With that, what the hell is wrong with car commercials nowadays? Can they not ever come out with something cool? Do they need to pick the most annoying, stupid, and worst commercial ideas ever? There is one commercial I like, I can’t remember what vehicle it is but it’s got this hottie in heels and she’s just showing the different features of the car. It’s remarkably effective and…If I could only remember what vehicle it was. Hmm maybe that commercial isn’t that effective.

3. Judi Dutcher
If you are running for Lt. Governor of Minnesota, how the hell can you not know what E85 is? Last week a reporter asked her on her stance for E85 (the ethanol fuel which Minnesota is a leader in) and she responded like the reporter made something up or was reading an atomic number off a table of elements. She even thought E85 was something off of a college quiz bowl. Better yet, she asked what Mike’s (Mike Hatch, the man running FOR Governor) stance on E85 was.

How the….What the….how do you…..?

Everyone who drives a car in Minnesota knows what E85 is because when gas prices go up, there’s always a gas that is 40 cents cheaper than regular unleaded. It’s at that point you look to the road and say,
“fuck, I wish I had a vehicle that took E85 so I could save a little money.”.

I heard that audio in the morning when I was waking up for the day last week. I was resting my eyes listening to the radio when I heard that audio clip from Judi Dutcher. I just about peed the bed!

I can only imagine what Mike Hatch’s reaction was. I know if I was him I’d probably say something like,
“You retard of epic proportions. You just screwed over two years of work!”
Or
“AAAAGH YOU FUCKED IT UP! YOU FUCKED IT UP!!!!!!!!!”

But Hatch responed by calling a reporter a “republican whore” bwahahahhahahah oh don’t you just love adults sometimes?

For the record, I’m not republican.

Good lord no! haha

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