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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Tons O' Crap

I've seen you smiling in the summer sun
I've seen your long hair flying when you run
I've made my mind up that it's meant to be
Someday lady you'll accomp'ny me


This will be quite lengthy because there was a ton of crap this weekend.

First things first though, what an awesome episode of the Sopranos last night! That was truly rockin’ dude!

1. Fuckface strikes again
Do you have any idea how frustrating it is working with someone who doesn’t know how things work but still think they have authority over you? Especially in the incredibly wussy corporate America setting?

In a nutshell, Fuckface wants me to do a very lengthy, time consuming job. I can do this work no problem but I need the paperwork that says I need to do it. Without the paperwork, technically there’s no money backing this job up and it screws up the accountants. Basically the emails have worked out like so,

Fuckface: I’ve told you I need this job done
Boof: I can certainly do this but I need a ‘work request sheet’ in order to do so. Can you please generate one?

Two weeks later
Fuckface: I’ve told you over two weeks now that I need this job done. Why haven’t you done anything?
Boof: I haven’t done anything because I need a ‘work request sheet‘. Can you please send a work request sheet so I can go about this job?

One month later,
Fuckface: I have told you repeatedly that I need this job done. Why haven’t you done anything?
Boof: Like I stated previously, I need a ‘work request sheet‘. Until I have that, I can’t help you.

This has been going on for about 9 *NINE* months. I’ve stopped at his desk, I’ve told my supervisor, and I’ve told everyone else that has approached me. Nothing.

Recently I’ve tried to establish my “big summer job” that I’ve had for a couple summers now. I need to check things through Fuckface so I emailed him my plans. Here’s his response,

Fuckface: You will not do anything until I get my job, which I asked you last year, to be finished and then I will decide what happens.

Ooooooooohh you son of a bitch!!!! Every fucking year this happens…

~~~~~~~~~
2004- I had to get everything ready for the summer because I was going spend the summer interning at the Black Hills National Forest. I spent weeks making the schedules, figuring out the shipping dates for the equipment we needed, and tying all the loose ends to make the summer was seamless for the person working in my place.

July: I called my replacement and sure enough work was at a standstill and the equipment never arrived. It turns out Fuckface stopped my order because he didn’t know about something and my workers spent a month in unemployment.
End result: summer was fuct!

2005-about this time I was getting calls from everyone who needed to have work done ASAP. I had my guys ready but I had to wait for Fuckface to make a simple decision. The work was piling up and I had to tell pissed off people why we couldn’t do anything. The waiting took weeks. Finally someone gave me an urgent message telling me “NOW!”

I was done with this so I used some big corporate guns. I sent Fuckface an email saying “I need a decision right now” with the history of all the complaints and I sent this email to everyone. Everyone, the boss, the boss’ boss, everyone with the complaints, dept heads, supervisors, everyone. It made Fuckface to look like the dumb putz that he was. I had to do it and I had every right to do it.

It worked and he made a decision that next morning and I knew he wasn’t happy about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So after hearing that he’s putting a hold on this year’s job, I was red. I wanted to send him a reply like so,

Fuckface,
Please, for the love of Favre, get your head out of your ass and get me a ‘work request sheet‘. If you keep nagging me without one, I will give you a powerful hurricane uppercut to your gunt and knock you out cold. Once you’re passed out on the floor I will take a hammer and a nail punch to make hairline fractures in all your bones so when you wake and try standing, you’ll hear a giant, “CRACK” and end up lying on the floor in a big globule. Give me a god damn work request and shut the fuck up!!!

Love,
Boof

But of course that’s not exactly kosher in corporate America so I suppose I’ll have to water it down a bit.

2. Hostel
Speaking of torture (how many times have your heard that?) I saw Hostel as a request from a coworker. I must say this was one hell of a disappointing movie. It barely was a movie actually. It was just a poor, poor excuse to throw in a couple incredibly stupid torture scenes and really stupid characters.

I was actually surprised because I’ve heard how this movie changes people and gives people a new perspective on horror flicks. My coworker is a huge horror flic guy and he knows all the good stuff so I figured this was worthy of a view. Not really, I still subscribe to the notion that 98% of all horror flicks are boring and kinda funny in how stupid they are.

The one scene in this movie that was pure comedy was where this guy was running towards this other guy with a chainsaw. The dude slips and the chainsaw ends up sawing him in half.

Comedy gold in my mind! Really stupid movie though.

3. The new Vikings jerseys.
I don’t hate them but I don’t think they improved. Let’s critique everything.

Pants: I don’t mind the change in the pants although I really like the yellow and purple stripe they’ve always had. The pants are ok. I can live with the new ones. Plus, they brought back the purple pants so that’s really cool!

Helmet: They actually fucked with the helmet and once the public heard, a riot was in the motions of preproduction.
The change was subtle and I actually like the changes. The purple sticks out a bit more and the horn is more three dimensional. From afar, you can’t tell anything but up close the helmets look kinda cool. Way to go guys.

Jerseys: eeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don’t care for them. They’re pretty much the same except for the collar and the ugly ass strip on the shoulders.

The away jersey doesn’t look too bad but I like the old ones better.
The home jersey looks really dumb. That white stripe on the shoulders is really fucking stupid and it gives the jersey a Giants, Falcons, Titans-type slender look and I’m not a fan of the gold collar. Rams comes to mind on this new home jersey and the Cowboys style lettering is DUMB! Lets just say I’m not going to be buying any of these crappy jerseys anytime soon.

To let you know where I’m coming from, my favorite football jersey ever is the Penn State jersey. It’s all white with dark numbers. Simple, looks fucking cool as hell, and it’s too the point. I even grew up to like Virginia’s white helmet with the blue and orange stripes.

The loops and swirls and twists and turns in these new uniforms just look too stupid. Bad medicine!

4. Dammit
And after running the Get in Gear 10K, my nipples chaffed. AAAWWWWF UCKING HELL!!!

Tomorrow unless Scott Baker throws a perfect game-I’m going to have a mighty huge rant on the Twins.

Friday, April 28, 2006

An Actual Best Buy Experience

Money, it's a gas.
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.
New car, caviar, four star daydream,
Think I'll buy me a football team.


I don’t believe I’ve ever told this story to anyone ever before. It’s not that I meant to keep it secret or that it’s embarrassing in anyway, but it just got lost in the back of my memory for some time.

With that being,
gather ‘round everyone, Boof’s gonna tell you a story…

T’was the summer of ‘04 and I was spending my summer in Rapid City, SD for an internship. I was on my way to Best Buy to purchase the new Cowboy Junkies cd, One Soul Now. The advertisement the previous Sunday included this cd along with an “exclusive Best Buy offer” that included a cd of a couple songs with only 12 available per store. I figured that 12 discs per store should cover every Cowboy Junkies fan and their uncle, so I wasn’t worried at all.

I walked into Best Buy and immediately found the new CD but I couldn’t find the exclusive cd to go along with it. I asked an employee about this cd and showed him the ad so he went “to the back” to check on it. I’m sure guy went back to the break room, played a couple games of Connect 4, and then took a wazzer until he came back to say,
“Nope, we didn’t have anymore of that kind of vacuum cleaner in the back room.”
“I asked about this cd.” I said.
“Oh, nope we didn’t have anymore of those either.”

I figured that the next closest Best Buy would be in…Denver so I quickly forgot all about this special cd.

A couple weeks later I was perusing Best Buy again and I stopped at the Cowboy Junkies area and to my surprise they had a dozen shrink-wrapped cd’s right out in front. Sure enough it was the single I was looking for a couple weeks previously. I was about to complain when I remembered that I threw away the reciept a LONG time ago and I couldn’t remember what the idiot looked like that pretended to help me last time. I did notice on the cd a price tag that read, “$0.01”. They were selling this special cd for a penny.

To be honest the sight of the price tag was enough for me to bitch at someone, but I had to tell myself,
“hey, it’s just a damn penny.” which tells me that Best Buy didn’t want to give away the cd (probably because they didn’t think they could) but they wanted to keep them on the books. That or some dumbass tried to look it up in the cost book and it read “$0.01” so they priced it accordingly. I mean Best Buy has so many cameras in the place that I wouldn’t be able to steal the cd if I wanted to. Plus, how pathetic would it be if I was caught stealing a cd worth one cent?

I grabbed one of the cd’s and returned to perusing Best Buy. Fifteen minutes went by and I was done. My “shopping cart” consisted of this one cd and I figured it was going to receive a bit of a reaction from the cashier.

First of all think of being a Best Buy cashier, nearly every customer’s bill ends up being something over $15 if they just buy any old cd. They’ve probably routinely seen totals over $100 and even the $1000 category. And as I’ve always said, you could walk into Best Buy, take a deep breath, and still lose $5 somehow.

So approach the counter with a dorky grin. The casher did her standard,
“hello sir, how are you?” and swiped the cd and glanced at the total which read “TOTAL…$0.01“.

“Total is….uh…hold on” and she looked back at the ‘history’ of the machine and then the cd,
“Ah..that will be a penny I guess. What is this?” she asked.
“It’s actually a single type thing” as I grabbed a fistful of change from my pocket.

After a few seconds of looking at my hand full of change, I looked in amazement at all the silver coins I had in my pocket. Not one brownish copper one in the bunch.

Now I’ve had a penny on me about 99% of my life. When my car got broken into the thieves took about $4 in silver change but left about $6 in pennies in my armrest thing. When I went trick or treating there was always the super old guy that would give you five pennies wrapped in a small square of Saran Wrap. And I’m pretty sure that when I was born there was a penny tucked underneath my umbilical cord somehow.

But at this moment, I did not have a penny.

So with my grin turning into a look of amazement, I grabbed a nickel and carefully placed it in the cashier’s hand.
“You’ve GOT to be kidding me!” she said with a laugh.
“haha Nope, I don’t have a penny on me.” I said.

At this point I was watching the cashier like I would watch David Ortiz in the bottom of the ninth with two out and a tie game because it had been years since I paid cash for anything at Best Buy. I was really curious!

Do they even have change in those registers?

So the cashier types in “0.05” and the machine then rings up,
“CHANGE $0.04” as the cashier drags 4 pennies out of the drawer and says,
“Four cents is your change. Would you like a bag?” And that was that.

It was definately a moment in time for both of us. I actually don't think I've listened to that cd since then either.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

4/27 Bits

Well my time went so quickly,
I went lickety-splickly out to my old '55
As I drove away slowly, feeling so holy,
God knows, I was feeling alive


-I did the dumbest damn thing today at the gym. After my run (what a great day for one eh?) I went back in to put a couple things in my locker. After lifting some weights for ten minutes I noticed that I didn’t have my key to my locker. I looked all around for it and I couldn’t find it anywhere in the place.
I was worried but I wasn’t that worried because everyone at the community center is really nice and they don’t seem like the kind to nab a wallet but you never know.

After looking for the key for 15 minutes, I gave up and the guy at the desk was very helpful and opened my locker for me using the master lock. I figured my time at the gym was done and I got ready for my shower. Before the guy at the desk left, he told me to leave my locker open so he knows which locker needs another key. No biggie so I leave all my stuff in the keyless locker and move all my valueable stuff (walled, cash, ipod) into another locker so I can secure it.

Close the “valuables locker”, get the towel on and get ready for the shower, and close---ahhhh no!!--the locker. Sure enough I was locked out of my locker again and this time I was in my towel. I just stood there in my towel and slapped my forehead. So I had to wait until someone came into the locker room in which case I had to convince them to go back to the desk for some help. Luckily no one stole my stuff.

-Britney is having another kid…the dandelion is still producing.

-I have to admit, I’m actually following the NBA playoffs to a small extent. What I’m really watching for is to see if the NBA completely rigs the crap out of games featuring LeBron James. It seems fitting because I’m convinced they did the same to the Lakers the past seven years. I mean if LeBron isn’t in the Eastern Conference Finals…ooooh then it will be a ratings bonanza!!!!!

-The New Twins Stadium just got the nod from the Minnesota House and it was the first time I every extensively watched and followed the process of a bill going through the House. Those “I’m just a Bill” cartoons never helped me at all and I was watching the NCAA tournament with Hog during high school civics. In case you’re interested, don’t watch any of it. It’s actually disheartening because opponents of a bill will clench onto any damn thing that might destroy the bill.

I mean it got ridiculous.
Phil Krinkie (major, MAJOR opponent of any stadium) was wasting time by bringing up amendments that,
-gives the public television rights after a game (pointless because it’s all property of mlb)
-acts a reverse referendum (after it was turned down twice already)
-gives everyone a chance to watch the twins in nodak, sodak, iowa, wisco, and all of Minnesota (what the hell does this have to do with anything…ANYTHING???)

And then someone brought up an amendment that calls for the Twins to be titled “The Hennepin County Twins” and to my surprise, 27 representatives voted in favor of it.
I think it was more to give a point but it’s pretty childish and a waste of time. The bill will pass, get over it, life goes on and students will still have schools.

It was painful listening to some of these people. During one discussion about a particular amendment another representative asked to revote another, previous amendment. It was a “where the hell did that come from” type of call to the speaker.

Anyway it passed and now it’s gotta go through the Senate where we gotta do this all over again.

-There was a caller on the radio station the other day talking about how the Packers have the greatest fans and how the Packers play with such spirit as opposed to the Vikings and their fans. He also went on to say that the fans still supported the pack during the 80’s and that the fans make the team better. Also, the local papers in Green Bay supposedly never criticize the Packers when something amiss.

(blink:blink)

See, this is why I hate the Packers and their fans so much. They hand out this pixie dust to all the fans and they just become oblivious to everything right away. Fans have more spirit? What is this high school?

If Favre threw 60 interceptions the fans would still act as if he’s the new Jesus.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Inside the Song: 'Star Witness'

There's glass in my thermos
And blood on my jeans
Nickels and dimes of the fourth of july
Roll off in a crooked line

…fffeerreeuuuuppppttsfdrfeirjeijlsdkfjslfjeijweirjsjfkdjf


There's glass in my thermos
And blood on my jeans
Nickels and dimes of the fourth of july
Roll off in a crooked line

Fffeerreeuuuuppppttsfdrfeirjeijlsdkfjslfjeijweirjsjfkdjf

There's glass in my thermos
And blood on my jeans
Nickels and dimes of the fourth of july
Roll off in a crooked line

That’s the audio from inside my car as I drive home from work. I’m still addicted to that song. It’s come to the point where I’m nearly taking notes of the lyrics and carefully thinking about what they mean and what they could mean. I know with lyrics it’s all a matter of what it means to “you” but Neko Case’s lyrics are kinda tricky, so I’m going to make an attempt to pick the song apart lyric-by-lyric and figure out the true meaning of the song, Star Witness by Neko Case.

(Warning: To all you gifted existencialist geniuses out there, this may be a little like watching a one legged kid in an ass kicking contest)

First verse:
My true love drowned in a dirty old pan
Of oil that did run from the block
Of a falcon sedan 1969
The paper said '75
There were no survivors
None found alive

She starts out describing a car that just crapped out (a huge crack in the engine block), but then the “there were no survivors, none found alive” is a little strange, as if the car blew up.
Then again, it can’t be that easy. Case may be trying to convey the feeling of death and helplessness as a result of death. Perhaps it could be a bigger tragedy involving people who had vehicles like these and she’s representing the people by their car and “oil from the block” could be blood from the heart like in a shooting or something.

Trees break the sidewalk
And the sidewalk skins my knees
There's glass in my thermos
And blood on my jeans
Nickels and dimes of the fourth of july
Roll off in a crooked line
To the chain-link lots where the red tails dive
Oh how I forgot what it's like

This is the verse I started out with and it’s the most intriguing one I have ever listened to. All describe obstacles or inconveniences to normal things
nickels and dimes of the 4th of July, roll off in a crooked line” (noted coins that don’t just lie flat but they have to spread out and roll under things)

This verse could be describing how frustrating life is after death. Like her everyday life could be tainted with such a death. Everything she used to do now reminds her of that death and just makes her sick.
oh how I forgot how it’s like” could simply be that, what was it like before the death?

Then there’s the chorus,

Hey when she sings, when she sings when she sings like she runs
Moves like she runs
Hey when she moves, when she moves when she moves like she runs
Moves like she runs
Hey there there’s such tender wolves ‘round town tonight
Round the town tonight
Hey there there’s such tender wolves ‘round town tonight
Round the town tonight

This has always puzzled me. “Sings like she runs”…I guess it could mean that she’s taking her frustrations out in how "she sings and runs". I know both are a great way to relieve stress with everything that has happened around her. Not that I sing or anything but…I’m sure it relieves stress.

tender wolves” could simply mean a man lending his ear to her troubles as she vents in a bar or something.

Hey pretty baby get high with me,
We can go to my sisters if we say we'll watch the baby"
The look on your face yanks my neck on the chain
And I would do anything
To see you again
So I’ve fallen behind…


Ah…. I think I’m starting to get it (seriously, writing the lyrics down does help). This verse could be referring to the “tender wolf” and how she’s gotten back in the playing field by spending time with him. She even says she’ll get high together and ignore her sister’s baby as they make their own babies or something. It’s like that episode of the Simpsons where Jimbo comes over and talks about how his shirt and pants were chaffing.
Fallen behind” could be referring to how she’s been “out of the game” for awhile.

Chorus

Go on, go on scream and cry
You're miles from where anyone will find you
This is nothing new, no television crew
They don't even put on the sirens
My nightgown sweeps the pavement
Please don't let him die

Oh how I forgot...

Crap, just when I thought I was getting things straight, then this verse comes along. This paints the picture of Tony Soprano waxing some dude in upstate New York with the dude’s wife nearby. I think this could mean a disease of some sort because that wouldn’t require a “television crew” or help from “screaming or crying”. Of course a gun shot would be more appropriate and complete the cycle that a lot of song writers love to do (start with how you end).
Yeah, I think I got it. A gun shot so the “oil” would again, “run from the block” of a “whatever car describes the person.”.

At least that’s how I interpreted the song anyways. Damn, that was fun! We should do this again sometime.

Indiana Boof

In this white wave
in this silence I believe I have seen you
in this white wave you are silent
You are breathing in this white wave
I am free


I must have been the worst kid to watch movies ever. When I was a kid my mom would take my brother and I to the movies when we were 4 and 6 respectively. We would look through the paper and pick out any movie with a “PG” rating because that’s all our mom would let us watch.

It was a win-win situation for all of us: my mom basically had 2 hours to take a nap and not have to deal with us and my brother and I would have something to do. While watching the movie the general thought process in my head would be,
He’s funny
She’s pretty
That line was funny because he said it funny
She likes him
They don’t like her because…they don’t
That guy got hit.

I was a moronic movie watcher because I didn’t know anything about plots, antagonists, sex, metaphors, foreshadowing ect. It almost makes me sick now when I watch a movie from my childhood. Here are some examples,

Back to the Future Trilogy:
-I never really grasped how much of a loser Marty’s father really was. I knew he was a nerd but I never really looked into that.
-I just figured that Doc was always at age 55 because he looks like he has gray hair in 1955 and in 1985. I think he was actually supposed to be portrayed as a 30 something (?) back in 1955.
-A Dolorean was indeed a weird choice for a time machine. When I was a kid I thought that was cool car and I wanted one!
-It really is disturbing how Marty’s mom had the hots for him. I knew this when I first watched but it never sunk in because I looked at them more like Michael J. Fox and Lea Thompson.

Terminator 2
-Jonathon actually thought of the Terminator as a father figure? Damn!
- I think Linda Hamilton was supposed to be the sexy actress in the movie.
-It never really occurred to me the mother/son dynamic of Sarah and Jonathon. When I was a kid I just watched it like “hey there’s the crazy psycho woman and there’s the kid she’s taking under her wing”.
-It’s kind of disheartening to know that the machines who take over the world in the future are the same machines that forgot to mention that the T-1000 is indestructible unless there’s a steel mill around. It could only be stupider if they sent the T-1000 to Pittsburgh.

Indiana Jones Trilogy
-Indy is a complete whore- I understand (to a great extent) why he took those women with him on his journey but why? Why would he want to share the glory with them? I kinda understand the woman in Raiders (because he did burn down her bar--whoops) but that’s it. Willy, from Temple of Doom, had no reason to come along with Indy and he should’ve left her whiney ass in Hong Kong.

~~~~~~~~
Boof: I’m sorry but I got places to go everyone. Shorty, I just don’t have room for a kid with a high pitched voice who is very short. Willy I’m leaving you here in Hong Kong because you are a spoiled, whiney, annoying bitch. Good luck you two!
Willy: What are we supposed to do now?
Boof: pfff I dunno go screw yourselves. I’m gonna be rich bitch!
Willy: I hope you choke on a ham sandwich Indiana Boof!
~~~~~~~~~~

Then with the Last Crusade, I’m surprised Jones Sr. didn’t just beat the living hell out of Indy for bringing that Austrian Nazi along with his quest for the knight’s shield. Think about it, Senior’s life long work and here comes his son (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) and he brings along an Austrian hottie who ends up screwing his dad right in the ass.
-I’m also sure, as a professor, that Indy wrote a book about archaeology, made it a required book for his students to purchase for his class, and never referred to the book over the course of the semester. Thus guaranteeing a market for his book by forcing his students to buy it and lining his pockets just so he can buy another dodo skinned whip.

The there’s the swear word in the Transformers movie, the ghost in 3 Men and a Baby, and the dwarf that hangs himself in the Wizard of OZ.

Yeah now I gotta re-watch all the movies I enjoyed throughout my childhood because I never paid attention to the deeper issues.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Microwaved Burnt Crap

The hammer clicks in place
The world's gonna pay
Right down in the face of God and his saints
Claim your soul's not for sale


Crap List

1. The stadium hearing last week.
This was the meeting in opposition to the potential new Twins ballpark and the 3 cents-out-of-$20 tax (yeah, people bitching about 3 cents). In my opinion it was fairly successful example of democracy in that everyone had a voice, people came in support (and against), and there were decent arguments for and against.
I’m not bashing the anti-stadium people because I understand their point but respectfully disagree. However there was one guy who seemingly tried to make things a little over dramatic.
Somehow this person figured that 3 cents out of $20 would end up being around $600 in 30 years and his opinion (to the tax committee) was that this money could be spent on his infant daughter’s education instead of a private entity. He stated how he is struggling financially and $600 dollars is a lot of money (I agree, $600 is a nice chunk of change and can mean the difference in lunch or no lunch for a month). He even had $600 in his hand to convey his point.

The argument was fine and dandy except for a couple things: the daughter’s education comment and the fact that he somehow is struggling financially but was still able to bring $600 to a tax committee hearing.

I take it this guy is either completely anti-stadium or delusional.

Being a recent grad from the U of M I laugh at that education argument because right now $400 doesn’t even buy a student books for a semester. When his daughter is 18 I’m sure $600 will all be spent on books and a weeks worth of Aramark’s flex plan. In 30 years, $600 will be enough to buy lunch in a month.

2. douche bag politicians
Like Shane eluded to on his blog, Greet Machine, (the best blog for the stadium issue! He makes everything moron proof, which I like) there was one representative that was one of the first to vote in the referendum of the stadium tax. He passed his vote until after everyone voted. Then when all the votes were in and his was virtually useless, he says “no” as a possible “on the record” type vote.

I don’t have a problem with him voting “no” but to wait and see how the vote turns out and then voting based on the tally up to that point is totally chicken shit behavior. I wonder if the vote was tied when it came to him that he’d vote “yes” just so stadium supporters don’t throw tomatoes at him.

I could understand it if, at his original time of voting, he was choking on a ham sandwich or napping but that‘s it. I hope his constituents are happy that he seemingly voted just for November.

If he was in my district I’d probably head over to his house and give his wife a plate full of hotdogs and meatballs because those are the closest objects in the household that will get her preggers.

3. Microwave popcorn

So I walk up to my floor at work and open the door and this stench of dry charcoal fills my lungs.
Someone burnt the popcorn again.

How can it be that hard to make microwave popcorn?

The problem is that everyone treats every pouch the same. They set the timer for 3 minutes and don’t put the time and care into each pouch. One pouch may take 2:45 and another may take 2:30 to pop. Take it from me, the expert at microwave popcorn popping. I’ll even share my recipe.

Boof’s recipe for Microwave popcorn
Place pouch in microwave
Set timer to 5 minutes (hold on, hold on…just go with me)
Watch the bag as it fills up with hot air and listen to the pops
When the popping stops for 3 full seconds, then take it out. (usually around the 2:30 mark)
60% of the time it works every time! Of course you could just put the timer at 3 minutes and then watch the popcorn but I’m convinced then it wouldn’t turn out perfect (because it would void my recipe then).

Of course if you set the timer for 5 minutes and then forget about it you’ll have a house reeking of charcoal for about a week. So…goodtimes!

My gift to you all.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

BIT-MAN!! nuna nuna nuna nuna...

i wake up and wait up
when anger's in fashion
i wake up and wait up
it echoes through the mansions


-Cuddyer baby. Maybe now they’ll actually keep him in the lineup for more than 10 days. Eh?

How bout the blown saves though,

-Mariano Riviera----nice try
-Krod----Thanks for playing

Let’s get Eckersly to come out of retirement or how about John Wetteland. Let’s go against them all!

-I read one of the most interesting baseball articles at the Twins game last weekend. It was in MN GameDay (the independent game program-type thing) and in it they talk about the old teams in St. Paul and Minneapolis and how they eventually moved to become Major League teams with the advent of the American League. Here is an excerpt from MN Game day (to which they give this next excerpt from Baseball in Minnesota: The Definitive History by Stew Thornley)

Some sources indicate that the Minneapolis club moved to Baltimore for the 1901 season. Two years later this team moved to New York and eventually became known as the Yankees. If the Minneapolis team was transferred rather than disbanded, it means that New York Yankees…had its roots in Minneapolis


I honestly don’t know what to think. It’s like hearing about how your grandma dated Hitler.

Even so…*takes the back of a napkin* I’ll add 26 World Series titles, I’ll add in the loss to the Cleveland Spiders (because they had to be good enough during the dynasty to win the WS), with that, I‘ll add in all the other times they finished 2nd (12 more times), and I’ll also add in the Red Sox win in 2004 (because of the whole curse breaking thing)
That’s 39

MN GameDay also mentions how the St. Paul minor league team moved to Chicago to become the White Sox (this is like your GRANDPA dating Hitler). They have 3 WS wins in their history.

Of course throw in the Twins 2 championships.

Now Let’s figure the Lakers in basketball: I’ll add in the 5 championships from when they were in Minneapolis and I’ll also add the 9 more they won in Los Angeles.
That’s 14.

Throw in the Dallas Stars (hey they actually won a championship) back in ‘99

So… I figure that the Twin Cities are responsible for 59 championships in the four major sports.

Eh, I’m still not satisfied.

-Is anyone else bugged out by the fact that Subway is airing commercials from ten years ago? I’m talking about the
“I don’t want no burgers, or sit down with the clown today…” with the woman kicking the bucket of chicken.

It’s like whoever was in charge of the advertising for Subway was in a coma for ten years and he just woke up.

-I just saw North Country the other night and it kinda surprises me the accent they give Minnesotans in Hollywood. After the movie I watched the special features which had the actual people who the characters were based on and they talk the exact same. I have come to the conclusion that some Minnesotans are still from Norway.

-I should also introduce all three of you to Barry Metropolis’ blog “Hustling Metropolis”. He’s a fellow Twins fan who I chat with during games (he should probably be studying more than chatting…bwahhaha). He just wrote about Terry Ryan spoke at his class. Also EveryDaySuperGoddess’ blog “I want a Cookie” is good times too. EDSG is someone that I always run into during my daily blog viewing. Even for those national blogs she’d already leave a comment and I’d leave one saying “yeah, pretty much what she said.” and vice versa.

Go to the Capital Today

At home drawing pictures of mountain tops with him on top
Lemon yellow sun
Arms raised in a V
And the dead lay in pools of maroon below


For about ten years I have been anti-government spending for a baseball stadium. I figured that a stadium would benefit a private organization, hike up the value of the team, ultimately give Pohlad more money, and not to mention that the guy has over two billion dollars. So why can’ t he pay for it?

That was until 2001 when the Twins were a judge’s decision away from dissolving altogether. When Selig asked the owners,
“Who wants to be contracted and paid $250M to do so?” Pohlad enthusiastically raised his hand alongside the Expos awful owner. So the Twins were done until the Metropolitan Sports Facilities sued the Twins and MLB for a breach of contract.
The resolution was that the Twins had to play out their last season of the lease to play in the dome.

So before that year played out, the collective bargaining agreement was agreed upon and with it contraction was to be put on hold until 2007. This side agreement gave a sigh of relief for Twins fans because it gave them time to build a stadium and solidify their home.

Fast forward to now and…nothing. My stance has changed from the “anti-government spending” to “we-better-get-this-done-now-so-summer-doesn’t-suck” standing. Seriously I believe MLB, if they are going to contract next year, will announce the teams they’ll contract in July. I am inclined to believe that if the Twins don’t get a stadium this time they’ll cease to exist altogether starting next year.

So…the idea of tax dollars going to a stadium will be tossed around in the House Tax Committee. It is being titled as a “debate” but the anti-stadium and pro-stadium opinions will be heard at different times.

In a unique move, Representative Phil Krinkie, chair of the House Tax Committee, has decided to hold two meetings to hear the Twins bill. The first meeting will take place on Wednesday, April 19 at 3 p.m. at the Capitol where testimony in favor of the bill will occur. The second meeting will take place on Thursday, April 20 at 6 p.m. at the Oak Grove Middle School auditorium in Bloomington where testimony in opposition to the bill will occur.


What irks me is that the pro-stadium hearing is during the day and at the Capital whereas the anti-stadium hearing will be at 6pm and conveniently located at a middle school where parking is always free. Pretty sleazy when both sides don’t get a fair chance at being heard. Especially when a representative gives the side he disagrees with the tougher meeting time and place.

Whatever, if you’re around town and you’re pro-stadium, go to the Capital and wear your Twins stuff. I’m sick of the dome and 3 cents for every $20 is next to nothing to fund a stadium. I understand that we shouldn’t be giving a billionaire this money but he’ll be happy to contract the team for $250M otherwise. After all, he did make his fortune foreclosing homes in the depression era.

Look, lets resolve this annoying issue once and for all. It’s not going to get any cheaper, Selig & Pohlad are dumbasses and would love to contract or move the team, and Pohlad is a old greedy pig. We all know that the Vikings will get a stadium at some point (probably next year), the gophers are almost guaranteed a stadium this year at this point, and Minnesota needs it’s sports.

For the love of god, lets get this done so we don’t have to hear about it anymore.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Pictures From The Journey

What I saw on this journey
I saw history go down
I cannot pretend
That the heartache falls away


“Who did you go to see--Tommy Kramer?”
Funniest thing my dad ever said. I had tears in my eyes when he honestly asked me that.

But no, I saw David Gilmour last Thursday in Chicago. It was my personal quest for pizza, beer, and classic rock and in a span of 36 hours, I lived it. No annoying phone calls concerning work orders, no more thinking--’man, I need a vacation’, and no more pressure from myself to travel to get some good beer.


No, this was my 36 hour vacation and unfortunately I didn’t get my camera out until the 24 hour mark on Friday afternoon. I would’ve taken pictures of the show but the bill clearly said “no cameras” so I didn’t bring one.

Anyway, So I had to choose a pizza place. There’s Uno’s, Gino’s East, Edwardos, Giordano’s and a whole bunch more in Chicago. I’ve been to all those places between my three previous jaunts out to Chicago. All are very good and in fact my friend who is Italian decent and his family all recommended Edwardo’s. Nice choice however, I have always had tender place in my heart for Giordano’s because I spent my 20th birthday at Giordano’s and I remember saying,
“I would probably trade my first born for one of these, here, pizzas.” And really, what do Italians know about pizza anyways. So Giordano’s it was and luckily they had one in Rockford which was on the way home so I could avoid the crazy Chicago traffic.

So I stop into the Rockford Giordano's when the nice waitress comes by,
Waitress: "Can I get you something to drink?"
Boof: Yes, I would like a coke and a large famous stuffed pizza
Waitress: you...got other people coming. Right?
Boof: Nope just me here and I'm gonna put it all here in my belly.
Waitress looks at me wide eyed
Boof: Just kidding, I plan on taking nearly the whole thing back to St. Paul with me.
Waitress: Oh, Jesus Christ I thought you were serious.

So I ate and if there was anything more heavenly than that pizza, I need to taste it because that pizza was/is fantastic.



Behold, three styrofoam containers full of Giordano's pizza and I had to find a way to preserve the tasty cargo in 80 degree heat. I couldn't risk loosing my precious pizza so I had to find something.




Luckily there was a Kmart around so I could purchase some things to help preserve the pizza. Should I buy twenty bags of salt? Eat all the pizza right there in the Kmart parking lot? Or should I buy a cooler?




This is the Rockford KFC. I just thought it would be cool to include the Rockford KFC in here. I didn't eat there.





So I bought a cooler. I figured that it was time I got a cooler anyway since my parents don't like me stealing thiers. I think I bought a nice model. It comes with wheels, four cup holders, and a nice handle. $20 this bad boy cost me, so I was really enjoying my cooler.




And I think I figured out a way to save the precious cargo. Arrrr



So now I had a nice 4 hour ride home and that can get kinda boring, so I took random pictures of road construction signs....



...and watertowers with hearts on them.



This crazy picture was me trying to take a picture using the rear view mirror. I don't know what the point was but I was bored in Wisconsin. I do kinda dig this particular photo because it's like looking at three pictures at once. It's worth about 3000 words or something.



I met someone who was telling me how they were colorblind and when they first ventured into Wisconsin they were not used to these silly horizontal lights. So as he came up to the intersection he didn't know which end was red so he just went for it and got a ticket. Why the hell are they sideways anyways? I thought I figured out the reason why they were sideways in the past but I can't remember anymore.



Ahhh more of my precious cargo: the beer. I just missed the tour by twenty minutes but I got a case in a half of my favorite beer. This should last me through the year. I'm so damn happy!



Ahhh and this is my precious cargo before it went in my belly. This piece here would probably be used effectively for any lobbyist or anyone who want's significant political support. If I was a mayor and someone gave me a piece of this pizza I would say,
"Whatever you want, I'll do it for that piece right there." That way the only victim is the town that I mayor for. It's a win-win situation for all!






Monday, April 17, 2006

Crap on Pizza

Well I heard her on the wire
Oh Sweet Loretta, child
She hugs me sweet and low
And it's never let me go


After starting out the year 1-5 and facing the A’s and Yankees things looked bleak for the Twins. Somehow, someway they managed a 5-1 record against those teams and are now at .500 and a game out of first.

What’s more important though, is that the Yankees (payroll= $203M) lost to the Twins (Twins payroll<$203M) in two out of three games. There was that epic battle when the youngin, Scott Baker, struggled through a broken jock strap to hold the evil empire to 1 run off three hits for the win.
Then in Saturdays game (one of the best I have seen) the Morneau bailed out fellow Canadian Jesse Crain to win again.

Of course, the Twins and god damn Radke sucked ass in Sundays game but whatever…

Crap List

1. Rondell White

GOOD LORD!!! I thought our clean-up hitters in the past were bad but .085??? That’s just Sarah Jessica Parker type stuff. It’s amazing how the bottom of the order bails out White’s strike outs and routine ground outs. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always liked White since he was with the Expos, but at what point does he stop being the clean-up hitter? PUT SOMEONE, ANYONE IN THE 4 SPOT EXCEPT WHITE!!!!!!! Put Castro in there with the way he’s been hitting (kidding). I know he’s going through a slump and he’ll still come back to hit .270 (or something) but please, put him in the 6 or 7 spot until then. There’s been WAY too many runners on with White up that I care to remember right now.

2. That gawd awful Holiday Western "Crackhouse Suites Inn" or whatever it was back in Chicago
I admit I spluged a bit when I went to Chicago. I figured the two day journey would be a great mini vacation and a reason to spend some money so I elected to go for a $80 room instead of a $50 room.
Now I wish I got a $50 room instead.

Now I’m not one of those people that constantly worry when they first walk into a hotel room and have the urge to shop at Spencer’s for a blacklight, I follow the “5 second rule” when eating, and I don’t care about hair in my soup. In fact, I’ve made a rice dinner, found a little worm in there, and continued eating the rice (what am I gonna do throw it away?). Furthermore, it would take the infamous “green potato chip” or sloppy diarrhea-esque dump in order for me to give up on Giordano’s pizza.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Waiter: Sir, here is your pizza but as you can see, there’s excrement on top of it. Though dry, it is still excrement. Your meal will not be charged and in fact, we’ll give you $20 to eat a slice.
Boof (studying the pizza carefully): hmmmm. Sir, instead of that $20 I’ll take a $20 gift certificate to your fine establishment and I’ll eat the pizza. Give me extra napkins, stat so I can place this excrement to the side. Thank you for your time.

Waiter (walking away stunned): No matter what I do, I cant get fired from here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yeah so I don’t complain at all but this room was making me think a little. For the record I didn’t see anything but it looked a lot like a room where the maids paint the dirt instead of cleaning it.
Perhaps it was the lady at the front desk who was no help. Let me explain,

So after the concert I wanted to grab a beverage out of the vending machines. I step out and suddenly remembered that my card key was still inside.
“clomp!” and I was locked out. No biggie, I’ll go to the front desk and ask for another.
At the front desk was this fat, lazy, bitch out of “Million Dollar Baby” who was reading her book.

Boof: “I locked myself out of my room. Can I get another key?”
Bitch: “You mean you don’t have a key?”
Boof: “ah…no I don’t have another key.”
Bitch: “Well alright, but you have to take better care.

Whatever, so I go to sleep and wake up with a severe urge for another beverage (see when I have pizza I wake up in the middle of the night craving some sort of carbonated beverage). I grab my original card key, grab a beverage, and tried my key. Nothing. At 5am I am now locked out of my room again.

So I walk back to the front desk in my 5am gear and deal with the lady again. 5am is not a good time to deal with me for I am not a morning person. At 5am I don’t have any cares about people’s feeling, no regard about patience, and I could care less about respect but I try. I try REALLY hard.

Boof: Yes my original key does not work anymore.
Bitch (looks up from her book and sighs): Sir, you cannot use your original key after you ask for another one.
Boof: Whatever. I don’t care. Just get me back in my room so I can sleep. Please.
Bitch: I told you to take better care--
Boof (sighing deeply and getting noticeably pissed off): Just get me the key.

From my point of view this was a woman who didn’t want to lift a finger.

Oh but that wasn’t it either. I haven’t told you about the ordeal that started it all.

When I checked in there was a very nice Ukrainian woman helping me out with everything. She sent a cab (paid for by the crackwhore inn) to take me to the Rosemont Theatre for the show. She even told me to call her back so she can send another cab to pick me up from the venue. Excellent!

So after the show I call up the front desk,
Boof: Yes this is (so and so) and I would like for a cab to pick me up.
Bitch: Ah, there are no cabs out there?
Boof: There are but I was told by the previous woman that you would call a cab for me.
Bitch: I’m sorry sir but she made a mistake and we don’t do that type of thing. I could write out a voucher but that’s not how we work things.
Boof: So what do you suggest I do?
Bitch: I would say to look for a cab.
Boof: Oh, thanks for your help *hang up*

Perhaps it wasn’t the room as much as it was that fat lazy bitch that set me off.

3. …And you went by yourself?
This was the response I got by numerous waitresses, cabdrivers, and my parents in regards to my trip to Chicago.
So…if you were you take 100 random people:
99 will know of the band Pink Floyd
40 may actually enjoy the band
20 will actually know who David Gilmour is
5 will actually be fans of Gilmour
2 may actually pay $100 for a ticket to his concert
0 will travel 6 hours to see him perform
0 will do so in the middle of the week
0 will actually take time off from work, rent a room, and pay for gas for such a trip

So why is it surprising that I went to Chicago alone to see David Gilmour? What am I supposed to do--not go to the concert because other people have self esteem issues that they can’t show up at a place alone? If I stopped myself of doing all the things I want to because of how others perceive of me I wouldn’t be doing anything.
Please, it was a concert I needed to see, was willing to jump through the hoops to see, and was willing to shell out the money to see. Unless the stars collided and someone else was in the same situation I was, I realize full well (and so should others) that this is a solo journey. I would love nothing more that for someone to experience the concert with, but that’s just not going to happen.


Hell, it’s hard enough to get people to see a Twins games when,
-they won 4 in a row
-playing against the Yankees
-Santana pitching
-playing against the crappiness of Jaret Wright

Let alone a concert in Chicago.

Tomorrow I have pics!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

So...How Was the Concert?

Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me


TWAS THE BEST GOD DAMN CONCERT EVER!!!!!!

EVER!!!!!!!

David Gilmour
Rosemont Theatre, Chicago
4/13/06

First set:
All of On An Island

Second set:
Shine on
Wot’s uh the deal
Dominoes
High Hopes
Time w/ Breathe
Coming Back to Life
Echoes
Wish You Were Here
Comfortably Numb

Highlights:
-The Blue (from On An Island) was really cool live. All those crazy guitar parts are bitchin!
-Then I Close My Eyes which is a instrumental was stretched out into a nice impromptu jam. On the album it’s just a two minute ditty (a good one at that) but here he really “explored the space”.
-Where We Start was actually the highlight of the first set. The song seems to have a life of it’s own live. Gilmour’s voice was damn good during this one.

Then the intermission came and everyone flocked to the front to grab a heater.
Then the second set came and kicked all our asses.

-Shine on was done half acoustic and half full version. He started out with just the main notes from his guitar and it eventually picked up for everyone to take part.
-Wot’s Uh…The Deal was quite the unusual choice with it coming from A Saucer Full of Secrets, which is always ignored. This was one of the best songs of the night because it had the perfect tempo. I think there were a lot of people who never heard this song.
-Dominoes was the one song I hoped he would play. This is a Syd Barrett song which was done on one of his estranged solo attempts (after he went crazy). Great jazzy riff with very simple lyrics that grab you. It’s a great song to tap your feet too.
-Coming Back to Life could be my favorite Pink Floyd song--played live it’s even better. I love the solo from this song. It’s different every time I hear it.
-Time w/Breathe absolutely rocked as much as anything. It almost took everyone by surprize how he cranked this number up to 11.
-High Hopes was the typical number but the end was really touching. He played about 3 minutes hitting some quiet and heart wrenching notes. The best ending I’ve heard to this song.
-Echoes…was probably the best moment I have seen at a concert. It was moving to say the least. Some people wonder why I made the trek out to Chicago and all I have to do is give them a slice of Chicago style pizza…and have them listen to Echoes live. Honestly, this left the crowd stunned. Usually when there’s a quiet part to a song there is always some drunk idiot who does his, “WOOOOO” but all 4,100 people were dead silent as Echoes was fading away.
Wish You Were Here is one of those songs that I never really liked that much. It’s the title cut from my favorite album and, to me, it’s almost forgettable. WYWH live really grabs you and the song really takes a hold of you.
Comfortably Numb: nothing short of spectacular.

Althought the marquis said it was David Gilmour in concert it was basically Pink Floyd minus Nick Mason because everyone was there right up to the light show supervisor. Basically it was Pink Floyd in a 4100 seat theatre and god damn was it awesome (just ask me again how awesome it was!)

So the concert ends and there’s about 8 of us standing around the sidewalk waiting for a cab. None of us were with anyone and the common ground between us was pretty funny. We were all talking about the concert and we eventually said where we were from.
“Houston”
“Denver”
“Colombia…South America”
“St. Paul”
“St. Louis”

We all were from around the country who dropped everything to come to this 4100 seat theatre to see David Gilmour and now we all needed a cab. Most of them grabbed tickets off of eBay (for $200 a ticket) and arrived by plane earlier in the day. Others just took off of work and took a road trip to Chicago in the middle of the week.

The Colombian was telling me how a drug lord paid for Roger Daultry and David Gilmour to play for 4000 people in some soccer stadium. I wish I was a drug lord.

Either way, I really got a kick out of it.

Tomorrow I eat pizza, stop at a brewery tour (or two), and maybe catch a game somewhere. I hope I don’t come home until 4am.

ultra quick bits

You with your silky words
And your eyes of green and blue
You with your steel beliefs
That don't match anything you do
It was so much easier before you became you



-Pfew, Twins now have a two game winning streak and I’m actually thinking of not hanging myself. Yay!
Justin Morneau has 4 homers in 8 games. I don’t think we’ve ever had anyone hit 4 home runs in 8 games since Harmon Killebrew--well, we probably have but it was probably Mike Pagrularulilsisdfijslo or whatever.

Now if only our pitching (of all things) could turn around.

-Today on the radio there was a show with the hosts carefully going through a mock NFL draft. It was like listening to two adults play Dungeons and Dragons on the air. I can’t imagine all the people working in the office listening to who the Dolphins will take in round 3 without running to the radio to change the station.
There are very few things more boring than NFL draft talk and discussion. I’m a fan of the NFL but it has the absolute worst off-season ever.

- I think I may be ready for Chicago,

Ear unplugged--check
Sickness gone--check
Reservations made--check
Ticket in my wallet--check (gee how much would that suck, forgetting the ticket. I could just imagine the thought dawning on me while in Black River Falls and me stopping at a gas station and destroying my car in frustration.)

All I need now is to make sure the pizza places are open later so I can eat some Chicago goodness. Mmmmm

-That’s all I got. I’m off to Chicago

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

You Want It? You Can Have It!

Somewhere in the distance I hear the bells ring
Darkness settles on the town as the children start to sing
And the lady 'cross the street she shuts out the night
There's a cast of thousands waiting
As she turns out the light


So I stop by the apartment office to grab some mail when the office manager hunts me down.

Manager: Hey Tom, what storage locker did we give you again?
Boof: it’s (so and so) why?
Manager: And what did you have in there?
Boof: My computer and--
Manager: ahhhh you may want to go check it out.

I thought it was an interesting request but when I noticed the police officer sitting across from her desk, I knew something may have happened.

Now the computer I had in there was my old one: ‘99 Gateway, 4 gigs, 64MB of RAM, and windows ‘98. I placed it in my unlocked storage locker just to keep the stupid thing out of my apartment. I figured that it was pretty safe there because I couldn’t give it away if I wanted to.

I walked to my storage space which I haven’t seen since I dumped my computer in there. I opened the door and bwahahahahahah
Thank god for dumb ass criminals because they certainly saved me some money and an annoying Saturday afternoon of hauling that dumb thing to public works.

I rushed up to the managers office elated with a dorky grin and blurted out,
“bwahahaha It’s gone”
“I’m sorry sir.” Says the cop. “How much was it worth do you suppose?”
“I would say about negative $30.”

Reasoning is because it would’ve cost me about $15 to dispose of the monitor and another $15 to dispose of the tower due to hazardous waste and it really didn‘t work at all. If someone wanted to set everything up I suppose they could wait 30 minutes for Windows to load up and then struggle with all the freeze ups and the incredibly slow processor. Oh and the monitor would constantly need to be bitch slapped because a connection inside was going bad.
“Aaaaah I’m just going to say it was minimal loss of $50. How’s that?” Said the cop
“That’s awesome dude!”

What a person would want with that piece of junk is beyond me but they took everything--mouse, keyboard, monitor, and tower--everything. I do have a little of that environmental guilt in that whoever will probably throw it away and not go through the motions but hey, I’m the victim here.

Seriously, if someone walked up to my door and asked me to take my computer I would probably ask them to come in and offer them a drink or something. I would probably tell them all the reasons why they wouldn’t want that computer and screw up my opportunity of giving it away.

One thing though, I’m thinking of locking that locker just so they don’t bring it back. That would indeed be totally undudely!

Unfortunately, I think my number munchers CD was still inside.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Springtime Memories

Crying 'cause it's not my fault
Water through my lashes look just like Christmas lights
And I still remember, remember


With yesterday being the first real day of spring (aka: the day the hotties come back from “hot girl camp”) I thought I would share one of my most unforgettable spring days (much like yesterday).

Twas the spring of ‘03 and I was walking back to the hizzy from School. I was going to the U of M at the time on the St. Paul campus and I had to do a bit of walking from the bus stop to my current place of residence. This particular day was fantastic; all the hotties were back from camp, everyone was outside, and you just couldn’t help but to spend your time outside.

I was walking over the bridge on 5th St. walking towards the Bierman building, the main sports administration building for the U of M. I was living it up as I slyly held my jacket behind my shoulder and listening to my minidisk player with the Jackson 5 playing (or something). Nothing could be more right on a day like today.

As I’m walking along the Bierman building I notice a decently dressed man step outside. He was wearing khakis with a nice polo shirt and his hair was slicked back. I figured he stepped outside for a heater or to simply enjoy the nice fresh air. I didn’t think anything of the guy at all except he was a bit agitated at my presence for some reason. I just ignored his creepy aura and continued on with Dancin’ Machine.

I checked back again due to my own curiosity and he was still eyeing me up. What the hell does he want? Is he gay? Does he need me to take a test for a hockey player? Does he need a urine sample from me? Did a student rape a stripper and he now needs a semen sample?

I just couldn’t figure it out and he was really cramping my style so ignored him for a bit longer. This time I tried to think happy thoughts and say “LA LA LA LA” as I tried to counter all the “WTF?” thoughts I had.

I made the turn around the corner and I just had to look back again. From what I could see was that well dressed man frantically looking around in the other direction and a wall with dripping liquid from where he was just standing. I then saw the guy zip-up and casually walk back inside the Bierman building.
The guy just wazzed on the side of the building! He was waiting for me to pass by so he could take a piss on the side of the building!

I stood there stunned. I just could not believe it. What if a recruit witnessed that? What if some important alumni booster drove by?

Orron: Hey Margie, I’m going to see how my old pal Glen Mason is doing so we’ll have to stop a cash machine so I can--Is that guy urinating on the side of the Bierman Building?
Margie: Orron! There’s no way a man dressed like that--Oh my god, he is indeed urinating on the side of the Bierman building.

Perhaps they don’t have bathrooms inside or Dan Monson stunk it up or something. Perhaps Sid Hartman was in the bathroom with Glen Mason. I have no idea.

So yeah, that is my favorite springtime memory.

Monday, April 10, 2006

.091? Are You Kidding Me?

The flies have quit their buzzing
Even Bear has stopped his barking
They all sense something brewing
up the James and headed this way


1. Twins Baseball
Well that didn’t take long did it? Just one week after I was touting how this offense improved itself and should win more of those 1-run games and then this 1-5 crapfest begins. Rondell White has two hits so far this year and is our clean up hitter with a .091 average *shudders*. Then, watching Torii Hunter’s approach to every at-bat makes me clutch my neck and yell in the closet. Oh god he’s terrible.

And then Gardenhire is not doing much better.
--I understand how Morneau should be coddled and all but the day after his 2-homer game shouldn’t he have been the clean-up hitter? Especially with a righty starting for the Indians?
--I understand if sometimes one is forced to play utility infielders to fill out a lineup in, say September after call ups or after a bad injury plagued season BUT NOT IN GAME FIVE!!!!!! Do you realize how painful it is watching a lineup with Nick Punto, Juan Castro, and Tony Batista? That’s like four wasted innings of batting.
--What is even more ridiculous is Punto batting 2nd in the lineup. What a great compliment for Mauer and ugh Rondell White (if he could hit)

2. My right ear
Yeah it’s plugged again which wouldn’t necessity be crap list worthy but I’m kinda worried. This Thursday I’m heading off to Chicago to see David Gilmour perform and the last thing I need is to appreciate a $116 Concert (closer to $250 when you factor gas, room, and another $100 in all the pizza I‘m going to buy) and only having one good ear to absorb the concert in.

Perhaps if I ask nicely David Gilmour would delay his show for a week or so until my ear becomes unplugged.

Boof: Hey, I was wondering if you could delay the show for a week because it would be noticeably inconvenient for me with one good ear and all.

DG management: Um…yeah. I think we can do that. Just give us a call when you would like the concert to happen and we’ll do our best.
Boof: Wow! That’s awesome! You guys are the best! Yeah I’ll give you a call.
DG management: Wow, you’re retarded.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Tony Bitista

So that's why I never come back here
That's why they spit out my name
Your ex's have clawed up the bible
Trying to keep me away


-After the first Twins loss (where they only had 5 hits) everyone starts jumping off the bandwagon and saying things like,
I knew this team couldn’t hit” and “It’s going to be a loooong season.”

Then they go and put up 13 runs off 16 hits and all those guys disappear.

Radke still *STILL* gave up 3 earned runs in the first inning. You’re killing me Brad!

-I get this email this week announcing the triumphed return of Twins geek (the main blog that started this) and he asked for interns (tangent: It’s funny how Monica Lewinski forever changed the word ‘intern’). Not that it’s any of that (god I hope not) but it sounds like he wants a ‘change of pace’ type writer and one that will add and give their two cents about special links.
So I applied and sent him some of my best entries--the entries that don’t seem like endless babbling from a drunken stupor (yeah those entries). For all I know I may be competing against Bat-Girl and or Garrison Keillor, but I figure it’d be a good gig even if I was just doing little things for Twinsgeek.

I can’t wait to tell my mom, “Hey mom, I’m an intern for Twinsgeek!”

(blink:blink) yeah that’s not going to happen.

Hey, then I may tell people that I’m a writer (I might have to wear glasses again to boost my writer’s cred).

-One of the best commercials ever is on ESPN. The Crocodile Hunter, Tim Irwin, is standing around BS’ing with an ESPN anchor while they wait for the elevator. Elevator opens with the Florida Gators mascot stepping out and the Croc hunter goes crazy,
“Woah! Look at that beauty! Oh she’s gorgeous!” and he tries to tackle the whole mascot.

I laugh and then cough up a storm.

-Where did I pick the Florida Gators this year? I think I picked them to lose in the 2nd round to Indiana or something like that.

-Seriously, do we need actual news about Anna Benson? Wouldn’t a website full of pictures due instead?

-Pearl Jam is coming to Minnesota and they’re co-headlining--not one show but-- two shows with Tom Petty. I’ve heard TP puts on a good show and it seems like a good artist to go along with PJ. Either way I was thinking they wouldn’t stop here.

-It worked yesterday when I asked for info about Neko Case but today I want a sammich and a bag of munchos.