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Wednesday, May 31, 2006

The Da Vinci Code Review

Rocket, yeah
(Satellite of love)
Rocket, yeah
(Satellite of love)

A couple years ago I was told to read The Da Vinci Code because of its interesting ideas and how ridiculously easy it is to read. I started on it and could not put it down. I spent hours on one Saturday just reading and reading (and this is coming from a guy where it took 3 years to read Jurassic Park).

I read the whole thing and was completely amazed. It was, without a doubt, the best book that I have ever read. It was as good as The Stand but Da Vinci Code actually had an ending (compared to that piece of shit that was an ending in The Stand. I mean really, any god damn story could end the way The Stand ended. I remember throwing that book and stomping on it for wasting my time…anyway).

I then heard that Angels and Demons was the prequel and I immediately snagged it up and read that in a week which is unheard of for me. I even came away from reading Angels and Demons with even more amazement than The Da Vinci Code.

Needless to say I was a little curious to see the movie.

I wasn’t excited or craving seeing the movie because I have never seen a movie better than the book. I remember my anticipation for seeing The Lost World because the book blew me away. The people involved with making the movie, though, didn’t read the book apparently and instead managed to completely screw up a great idea. Completely!

With The Da Vinci Code I have always been a bit against the movie because I don’t think there’s any way it could live up to the book. When they announced that Ron Howard was going to direct it, I was a little pleased. I have always been a bit of a fan for Howard with Cinderella Man and one of my all time favorites, Apollo 13. When they announced that Tom Hanks was going to play the role of Robert Langdon, I was a little curious although I didn’t think he was the best for the character. Hanks has also been a favorite because anything the guy touched in the 90’s immediately turned to gold.

So we’ll see what happens.

I saw the movie and immediately wondered why the hell Ron Howard decided to direct such an impossible project. The movie had absolutely no character development--I don’t even think Hanks smiles in the movie at all. There was also one joke that I could remember. Ugh

Also I believe it was miscast. Hanks has no business being in this movie and Audrey Tautou looks like she’s 13. The whole movie looks like Hanks is running around Paris with his niece.

The one scene that I thought matched up with the book is The Last Supper scene where Teabing is explaining to Sophia and Langdon about Da Vinci’s method to painting the famous…whatsitcalled…tempera.

Basically I didn’t think this movie was bad but it just never accomplished it’s goal. To me, Howard struggled between slowing up the movie enough to keep non readers up date while not making it too slow for readers to get bored. Then the movie moves from scene to scene like all the characters are robots and that they have little sense of feeling or emotion.

So if you’ve read the book, wait until the movie comes out on DVD (probably next week).
If you haven’t read the book, then read Angels and Demons, Da Vinci Code, and then contemplate seeing the movie.

Friday, May 26, 2006

Thou Shall Be Called...

Let me run with you tonight
I'll take you on a moonlight ride
There's someone I used to see
But she don't give a damn for me


I’m just about done with my week of stadium talk and we now need to figure out a name for this place. A couple joking names I have come up with is…

Monty Burns’ Field: this is because Carl Pohlad is the real life Monty Burns and it only seems fitting

Spam Park: It’s actually more realistic than Monty Burns’ Field because Hormel is actually a pretty big sponsor of Twins baseball but no way.

Prince Field- Prince might do something really arrogant like that. We could always say we’re going to “The Prince” eh…I fucking hope not.

It is important to have a decent name- a name that sounds good and not terribly corny. It’s way too easy to come up with a corny name when baseball is involved because I wouldn’t want it called something like America Park or something.

Then there’s something like Great American Ballpark which others have expressed as “THE” perfect name for any ballpark. Myself, I think it’s the corniest damn name I have ever heard. For some reason I envision myself walking into the GAB into a sea of 40,000 fans all dressed as Uncle Sam and they’re all eating apple pie on stars and stripes paper plates. Also everyone talks in an enthusiastically over-jolly voice like,

“HELLOOOOO fine sir, WOULD YOU LIKE some crumpets?” Also there’s be an endless loop of Henry David Thoreau marching band music blaring non stop. Basically it would be a 4th of July-everyone’s-drinking-the-kool-aid type of nightmare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Person in the concourse: EXCUse me sir, WOULD YOU like some of my FINE apple pie?
Boof: ahh no thanks. I’m a pumpkin pie guy.
Person: TERRORIST!!!! EVERYONE!!! WE HAVE AN OSAMA BUTT KISSING TERRORIST!!! GIT HIM!!!!
And they go on to beat the crap out of me with crackerjack boxes and their top hats.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Don’t get me wrong, I love the US and all but I grew up respecting the flag and following all the rules in how to take care of the flag: I would never ever let the flag touch the ground, I would also make sure it’s folded up properly, and make sure people know that one should only fly the flag at night if there’s a spot light on it. My mom, on the other hand, went all stars and stripes crazy after 9-11 and turned the whole kitchen into a 4th of July celebration which was fine. It wasn’t until I saw the stars and stripes doormat that I really got a sickening feeling toward the whole thing. I mean really, shouldn’t someone who hates the US have a stars and stripes doormat? It makes me shudder knowing all the stuff that has the flag on it and people giving no regard on it.

Also Enron field was not a good choice when they opened that up. I know it’s not the team’s fault but that’s the case where everyone gets a white flame of anger in their stomach and finds it better not to attend the game after a little thought.

One thing that is certain is that there will be some corporate sponsor’s name attached. It’s one of the ugly things that we have to come to expect with any ballpark or arena--especially for a small market like the Twin Cities.

With this name we can be certain that it will be a huge ass corporation and not the local Kum and Go

(Kum and Go Field--bwahahahahaha I should grow up)

And it wont be called something totally insane like,

Raid Cockroach Killer ballpark or The Lamisil Anti Fungal Grounds of Minneapolis.

So the local corporations we can come up with are:
Target
Best Buy
3M
Dairy Queen
General Mills
Land O’ Lakes

And that’s about it from what I can think of.

Target is out because they’re already doing the Target Center (of course)

Dairy Queen seems unlikely because I don’t think that’s the angle they’d persue. Also it would fall into the “corny” category because what are they going to have, “Dairy Queen Park”? ugh sounds dumb.

General Mills could play a role but it’s such a boring name--General Mills Ballpark, ironically, is way too generic. On the other hand Wheaties Field is an excellent name. That name is almost perfect, but I don’t think they’d get the most out of one brand of cereal.

Land O’ Lakes could play a role. Land O’ Lakes Field sounds a kinda natural and gives off a good vibe. For the computer geeks it would be LOL field. Sheesh

3M Field sounds good. The company is here and they are certainly huge enough but I have my doubts. 3M does participate on a number of local events but nothing to the level of a professional ball club. 3M sponsored the Wild for a little bit but I think that’s only because it would’ve looked strange had they not sponsored a team in their own backyard. I kind of hope that's not the name because I see enough of that place everywhere I go, but whatever.

Best Buy Ballpark seems like the best bet. Best Buy is already a major sponsor of the Twins and it’s a company that is still stretching out across the US (if it hasn’t already). I really think this is the name because it just fits and makes sense. We’ll see

There has also been a ton of fans clamoring for “Puckett Park”. While it does have a great ring to it and he was arguably the best baseball player for the Twins, there’s something about it that rubs me the wrong way. Perhaps it’s the whole, Cobain deal where a person is put on a higher pedestal as a result from a tragic death that seems to stick out (because after all, had the stroke never happened, no one would even know or think about Puckett’s place in life). Also while he was a great ballplayer, it seems to be a mild slap in the face to the other Twins Hall of Famers who were also pretty damn good and anyone who took part in the World Series. Yes, Puckett single handedly won game 6 but Jack Morris pretty much did the same in game 7.

Also Pohlad Park would not only be selfish and cold but it would make me want to throw up with all the self back patting. Pohlad was credited with saving the team in the 80’s but he was primarily responsible for all the bitching and threatening to move BS in the 90’s and today. Yeah the market is small and the dome sucks but you’re a multibillionaire and the team would double in value from a new stadium. Not to mention that when someone asks him why he doesn’t spend more on the team he responds with something like,
“I can’t pitch in that kind of money because I have a family to look after.” which he was quoted sometime in the late 90’s, it just seems a little ridiculous.

Ironically I think a stadium named after his late wife would be the best name for a the new ballpark. Eloise Pohlad passed away a couple years ago and was a huge Twins fan. Some even credit her with keeping the team here during the hardcore contraction talks.

The name “Eloise Field” gives me goose bumps because it is both classy and graceful. I don’t know what it is about a woman’s name but it just makes this it sound perfect.

Of course it would have to be “blah blah blah at Eloise Field” just to get the naming right in there but Eloise Field has my vote.

Of course an even better name--better than anything I’ve heard--would be Berg Ballpark.
That’s fuckin classy right there.

FYI: Be sure to check out Friday Nights Twins game. Francisco Liriano is pitching against Seattle's Felix Hernandez. If Liriano was a sure deal, Felix is a sure deal times two. Seriously, Felix was the number one rated pitcher a year ago and Liriano was number two.
Basically what I'm telling you is if your infant son was playing in street and this game was going on, wait until between the innings to go grab him.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Stadium Bits

Yeah, I'm not a loner, I'm not a fool
Don't need a reason, reason to be cool
I got my whisky, I got my wine
I got my woman and this time the lights are going out


I thought I would throw out some interesting bits from past ballparks.

-One of the major factors in the latest home run craze (besides the steroid factor) is that the ballparks nowadays are really tiny compared to the ballparks back in the day. Here are some examples,

The Polo Grounds in New York was one of the weirdest ballparks in terms of dimensions. The foul poles sat at an unbelievably short 280’ which would clearly be the shortest corners in baseball but that’s where the generosity ends. The left and right corners of the field (power alleys) were at around 450’. 450’ feet for POWER ALLEYS!!! The longest power alleys now are around 380’ but 450’ is incredible. Then center was at 475 which made for a spacious outfield to say the least.

With such an outfield, the bullpens were actually in play at the power alleys. I can just imagine some reliever warming up with a huge “CRACK” resonates throughout the stadium.
“Woah shit! EVERYONE DUCK!” and sure enough Mickey Mantle is taking out the bullpen.

Seriously, you could raise cattle in this outfield. Whenever one hit’s a ball near a bull it would need to be a ground rule double or a conceded homerun because no one’s going to mess with a bull.

Then if you thought that was huge, before there was Fenway there was the Huntington Ave Grounds which hosted the Red Sox for ten years. HAG had a center field fence (at one time) of…635’. Let me say again, the centerfield fence at HAG was measured at six hundred and thirty five feet.
I would be surprised if anyone could see the fence from the backstop. I could just see the owners screwed up kid working on his messed up…say 90’ Buick Regal in deep center while a game is being played a ninth of a mile away. While he’s looking in his hood with a rag on his shoulder, a baseball rolls to a stop a couple feet away. Jogging up is the center fielder.

Owner’s screwed up kid: Let’s see here I gotta move the vibration gasket injector with the--What the hell are you doing out here?
Centerfielder: Well, let’s just say: bases loaded + 3-0 count + Brad Radke = me fetching a baseball 600 feet away.

And those are just two extreme examples. The Centerfield fence was usually around 430-440’ in a lot of ballparks back in the day.

-A lot of people complain about places like Minute Maid Park in Houston about all the weird crap that’s in the outfield with the flag pole being in play and the sharp incline out in deep center. The truth is, ballparks were really crazy back in the day.

Take Forbes Field in Pittsburgh for example. They had a short chicken wire fence out in left with at least four lighting towers which were all in play.

Crosley Field in Cincinnati had, instead of a normal outfield track, a sharp incline (Minute Maid Park made as a tribute to this incline) to warn outfielders of the approaching fence.

Yankee Stadium had three monuments in Center (before the renovation in the 70’s) that were also in play. These monuments were of Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and Miller Huggins. I remember seeing and old clip of a centerfielder having to jump behind the monuments to fetch out a result of a pitching mistake.

Tiger Stadium had a flag pole that was in play


Fenway Park has a ladder on the green monster which is also in play.

Polo Grounds had an upper deck that stretched out over twenty feet over the field. Outfielders could set themselves up for a long outfield fly and the upper deck would rob them of an easy catch.

-One of my own personal ballparks that I’ve been keeping tabs on is League Park in Cleveland. Before the Indians played in Jacobs Field and before they were in Cleveland Stadium, they were in League Park which hosted the Cleveland Indians and before them, the Spiders. From 1910-1946 all the American League greats played at this field and Cy Young even opened up the place in the late 1800’s. It's also the place whereJoe DiMaggio hit in his 56th straight game and Babe Ruth hit number 500.

As Cleveland Stadium opened, League Park fell by the wayside. What’s interesting is that there’s still a field there, the old ticket booth, and the left field stands from the early 20th century still remains. As of a couple years ago, no one has tried to restore anything, the bleachers are crumbling (they have to be over 100 years old!) and apparently it’s in the middle of gansta bitch territory. I have to admit that this old park intrigued me a little when a possible “Cleveland trip” was brought up. I’d like to walk around and soak it up if I should ever go there…and before I should get my ass capped.

Tomorrow, we figure out a name for this new Twins ballpark.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

What to Expect and Assume

Crying 'cause it's not my fault
Water through my lashes look just like Christmas lights
And I still remember, remember


So now that we got the financing for the stadium there are some things that we know or can assume for the new stadium.

For one all those drawings (and the one that I stole and put it up earlier this week) will not be what the stadium looks like in 2010. Actually it’s just an idea or a concept of what to expect because the architects haven’t been bid yet nor have the plans associated with each architect firm been presented.

What will probably happen is that HOK gets the bid for the stadium. HOK is pretty much “the” architect firm for sporting venues. They’re responsible for nearly all of the recent ballparks that just opened including AT&T Park, Great American Ballpark, and the beautiful Petco Park. They’re even responsible for the Xcel Energy Center so it’s pretty safe to say that the design is in good hands.

As is the norm for most ballparks, the field will probably face NE. With this positioning the ballpark makes the most out of the prevailing summer winds from the southeast which helps baseballs reach the seats. It’s also standard because the sun is avoidable to everyone except the worthless right fielder and the white collar fans that sit in right field (the peasants). More importantly, beyond right field will be the beautiful Minneapolis skyline. With the sun setting and the last few rays of sun hitting the IDS Building, it should be a wonderful view as a game heads into the bottom of the 5th.

Also, there will not be a roof. For years I have actually thought that a roof would be necessary because it does snow in April. In fact April has just about the worst weather around because Mother Nature teases the crap out of us in April. One week can be glorious and 70 degrees while the next is 40 degrees and bone chilling rain. After my experience in Miller Park in 2003 when the kept the roof closed during a beautiful 80 degree day, I’ve always frowned at the thought of a retractable roof. Apparently they closed it because there was a thunderstorm warning… yeah, they were being extra cautious.

With a retractable roof it would be like taking a 3 hour drive in a big 42,000 seat bus with old school country blaring through the speakers. Some would like it, others would not stand it, some would get offended, and some just wouldn’t care. People would bitch and moan for the music to be turned off and the whining and crying would be unbearable. This is basically what would happen every April/September day. It makes me cringe to think that a retractable roof would only be open during the absolute pristine days, closed if it’s too hot, and closed if the temperature gets down to *shudders* 50 degrees. (Tangent: I actually heard someone whine about how awful it would be to watch baseball in 50 degree weather. Listen to yourself! I remember at least a half dozen times where the wind chill was 40 below and here we are whining about 50 degrees? 50 degrees is almost shorts weather in March! 50 degrees is almost too hot for running! We live in Minnesota where people go fishing in the dead of winter, where the hunting and fishing openers are pretty much holidays, and all the lakes which, I believe, are all being used outdoors. So please, if 50 degrees is too cold, then dont wear a skirt to the ballpark.)

42,000 seats will be included to keep demand up. This is so the Twins can have another good excuse to jack up ticket prices by making things “more intimate” which will be true. One thing about these seats is that there will not be any obstructed views amongst these seats. Metrodome, conversely, has 1300 obstructed view seats for baseball and nearly all are in the upper deck in CF.

Stuff that I would like to see in the new park…
-I think the CF fence should be at 8ft so it gives the CF’s a good chance to rob homers. If there’s anything that we’re used to it’s home run robbing catches. I also think the same number structuring for fence measurements (I'm talking about the 408' sign) from the Metrodome should be used (at least in center) as a tribute to the Metrodome (hey, it’s got its’ place in Minnesota baseball history.
-A tall flagpole in Center. I mean tall! This is a bit of a tribute to the old Metropolitan Stadium where a similar flagpole stood. I’ve never had the chance to catch a game there but it seems to be something somewhat unique about the old met.
-I would like a river or something resembling a river and a St. Paul type of a feel on one side of this “river” and a Minneapolis side because, after all, they are the Twins for the Twin Cities.

-I would also like a dirt track that connects the pitcher’s mound to home plate. When the Twins were the Washington Senators, they played 58 years in Griffith stadium which also had a dirt track and it only seems right to pay homage toward the old stadium. Comerica Park and Whatever They Call It Now in Phoenix both have this classic track. I think it's cool!

I am a little worried because the Twins organization has what I call “promotional retardation” since I‘ve been following them. Not so much now but I remember in the 90’s it was just way too Webster-ish with the really corny giveaways and promotions. I remember the time they wanted to set the record for “most people performing the Macarena at one time”…as if that’s something to be proud of. Lately the Twins haven’t been too bad with the bronze statues and dollar dogs they’ve been giving out, but they’ve had their share of dumb ass things.

For one, if they bring an oversized milk carton in this new ballpark, I will do whatever I can in my power to destroy said giant milk carton. Also, whoever came up with the idea of TC the Bear needs to be thrown in Polar Bear pen in the Como Zoo. What a bear has to do with “Twins” is beyond me, but it doesn’t make a lick of sense and I’d rather have a couple hot ass women who happen to look alike as mascots instead of a confusing smiley faced bear.

Those are just a few of the ideas I have and lets just say, I’ve got about 3 different designs for a ballpark written in a notebook. I’ve even gone as far as looking up the characteristics of certain building materials. Yeah it’s kind of “Se7en”ish-weird but I love ballparks and I’m on cloud nine knowing that the Twins will have their own park.

2010 just can’t come quick enough.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Watching Paint Dry

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down
I had the radio on, I was drivin'
trees flew by, me and Del were singin' little Runaway
I was flyin'


Boof Bonser's line from Sunday: 6IP 5H 1R 1ER 3BB 8K's in the no decision (thanks for nothing Jesse Crain!)

I’m going to be honest, this week is going to be all about the new ballpark and thoughts, ideas, and visions of this new ballpark. Basically after 12 years of waiting, it’s now reality and now I’m officially obsessed. So Alie, you may want to do some serious “skimming” throughout this week.


So what did you guys end up doing on Saturday night? I spent the whole damn night watching the Minnesota Legislative sessions and boy was that fun! I could’ve just as easily pissed off a hornets nest and rubbed honey on my belly and still have time to buy a gas station sandwich but no, I watched a bunch of dirty politicians vote on the new Twins stadium.

It was supposed to be relatively easy seeing as the bill already passed both the House and Senate a couple weeks ago. The only thing was the bill was slightly modified by the conference committee to make the bill more appealing to the two branches. These politicians are all very sketchy--the quick voting the other way before the voting closes, the excuses some of these politicians have, and the tactics involved with the overall back patting and blow jobs they give each other. Don’t get me wrong, there are some seemingly decent politicians who seem to have a head screwed on their shoulders, but some are just disgusting.

The house went first.

The bill was introduced and right away Phil Krinkie (the tight ass who will sacrifice little children in order to destroy this bill) and company threatened with immediate lawsuits. The problem was that Hennepin County was going to be taxed (3 cents on $20) for the stadium and only Hennepin County. This usually involves a referendum but if given the chance for a referendum, it would’ve immediately been shot down based on the thought of new taxes (oh the humanity).

After the lawsuits came the amendment to bring the bill back to the conference committee, which would’ve killed the bill. The amendment was shot down by a huge margin. Great.

Then came the bill and that passed…just barely.

3:30am the Senate finally started debating the bill.
Again an amendment came from Sen Bachman from Stillwater to send the bill back to the conference committee and that got shot down. Bachman is what I would call an ultraconservative. It’s almost to the point where she’d probably abolish all people whose name starts with an X.

Anyway I hear all about how they could’ve saved the Ford plant and how the Twins really don’t matter. Blah blah blah. The other Senators were getting tired and mad so the vote came shortly.

Then came the vote and this was it. A no vote would probably mean the end of major league baseball in Minnesota.
3-3, 7-7, 20-25 (oh no the bill was losing!)
24-27
30-30 (aaaah tied with only a few more senators left)
33-32 (woah…close)
34-32 and that was it.

It was incredibly dramatic.

34-32 in favor and the Twins were not only staying in Minnesota, but they’d have a new stadium as a 50th anniversary gift.

Like I said this vote meant so much more than just a stadium. It ensures the team will stay in Minnesota for 35 years (counting the years before 2010) and it takes care of this whole contraction/stadium/team moving mess. This mess has been around for 22 years!

You have no idea the feeling of watching your favorite baseball team and thinking it could very well be the last like in 2002.

Also just the thought of having an outdoor stadium may be pretty cool for anyone used to an outdoor park but for us Minnesotans, it’s exciting! You see I grew up with the Metrodome and I never went to an outdoor ballpark until 1995. It’s the little stuff that we notice; the lush green grass, the lawn mower marks, the sun beating down on the field, the blue sky, and the fresh air. All of which gives an amazing feeling and we haven’t even said anything about the actual game yet.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Guess Who's Knocked Up?

Minneapolis is and this is what is coming in 2010!

Ain't she cute

Friday, May 19, 2006

The Boof Era Begins...

Will we burn in heaven
like we do down here
will the change come
while we're waiting


Finally, the day has come. Ever since I started this, here, piece of crap you all have been calling me “Boof”. I have explained in the past where “Boof” came from and if you need a primer, then read this.

On Wednesday, after Kyle Lohse had his childish tirade it was announce that Lohse would be sent down to AAA and in return…Boof Bonser was getting a call to “the show”. That’s right, Boof Bonser, whom I stole the nickname from, is going to be the starting pitcher for Sunday’s game against the Brewers.

I will come right out and say that I really never gave two pieces of poop for the guy and just loved his name…at least at the beginning. During that time I used his name but I kept a bit of an eye on how he was doing in the minors because I was curious. As the months went on he came on the 40 man roster, made the leap to AAA, and here he is in the big show. I must say it is a little satisfying to keep track of a playing in A ball and watch them slowly make the step up to Major League status.

What really frustrates me is that my buddies and I couldn’t take our yearly trip to Milwaukee because things just didn‘t work out. What really, really frustrates me is that Mr. Boof Bonser is making his major league debut on the game that we usually attend when we go to Milwaukee. Seriously we’ve had as many as seven people go to Milwaukee and we’ve only missed one year since interleague play started and had a fun every damn time every year. For some reason no one was interested this year and I may spend an entire summer without traveling to any ballparks! I may go ballpark-less this summer! Unless anyone is interested (if so, email me).

Now the Twins starting rotation will have three rookies (Scott Baker, Franciso Liriano, Boof Bonser) with Radke being the oldest (and next to leave) at 33. It’s also interesting that every single member from the AJ Pierzynski trade is now on the pitching staff and AJ is now playing for the White Sox instead of the Giants who acquired him from the Twins in that trade.

Also, Liriano will make his first start of 2006 on Friday. Even though the Twins are probably out of any playoff hunt, there’s still some guys to keep tabs of.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Barkley is God

I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by some kids at play
I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin round my head


-Suns Vs. Clippers has been a fantastic series. I have actually been paying attention to all of the games they’ve played and thoroughly enjoyed myself. For a guy who’s mocked and ridiculed the NBA, the playoffs have sure been fun.

I’m not sure who I want to win but watching Cassell and Nash battle up and down the floor is great but the real treat is watching the TNT commentators: Kenny Smith, the obligatory white guy, Ernie Johnson, and the great Charles Barkley. Kenny Smith explains everything and gives great points about the game. He also--and get ready for this--doesn’t wave around a friggen pen while making terrible hand gestures! Ernie Johnson plays his role by being an annoying white guy and Charles Barkley is, simply put, a god.

Let me say a bit about Barkley, if I had to pick a handful of people who I’d love to sit down and pick a brain with I’d probably choose: Roger Waters, Bob Costas, Robin Williams, and Charles Barkley.

In fact, I would go as far as to say that Barkley is the modern day Jesus because I believe in him more so than any other person. The reason is because he never sugarcoats anything and is always himself. On TNT if Ernie says something completely stupid, Charles will simply ask,
“What the hell are you talking about?” and go on to explain how the refs screwed over the losing team and he’s always convincing. Chuck wont have good posture, he wont slightly move his head when he gives the audience a conjunction, nor will he give out a smile for no reason. He’s just himself and if you don’t like it, get ready to be thrown out a window. Barkley also has an aura that automatically makes you wrong unless he gives his blessing.

I’m also willing to bet that if Charles was walking along as Saddam was doing his genocide thing, Chuck could put a stop to it easier than anyone.

Saddam: bwahahaha stupid Kurds! You go squish now!
Charles: woah woah woah, hey what’s goin on here? Saddam, now come on you know better than this. Take out your anger on pizza and international soccer. Don’t take it out on your own people. Come on you gotta think man! Hell, I can’t stand a lot of white people but do you see me killing them? Nah, I just give them a good beating and grab a limo and get the fuck outta dodge!
Saddam: yeah I suppose you’re right
Charles: C’mon man. Get your head up, brush off them shoulders. Here, take some money and clean yourself up.

Or if he had George W Bush as a cabinet member had he been President after 9/11
GW: I highly suggest you invade Iraq because they have WMD’s, Saddam is still there, and they’re probably responsible for 9/11.
Charles: Now what the fuck are you talking about? For one thing Hans Blixen--or whoever the hell he is--couldn’t find anything. 2) We can take out Saddam any god damn time we want and 3) what the fuck are you talking about? That doesn’t make a lick of sense and I thought I appointed you as the Secretary of feeding my face, what the hell are you doing out of the kitchen? Bitch.
~~~~~~~

I firmly believe that Charles Barkley could do way more damage than Bono!

-I’m actually anxiously awaiting The DaVinci code which comes out on Friday. I read the book two years ago and it’s probably the second best book I’ve ever read next to it’s prequel, Angels and Demons. The one thing I’m worried about is the near fact that almost every movie based off a book has been horrible. Leading this notion is The Lost World which the book was amazing but the movie was just about the stupidest waste of film I may have ever seen.
Ron Howard directed DaVinci Code and Tom Hanks stars in it so I guess there is a little hope.

-Speaking of movies, I checked out National Treasure from the library the other day and I must say, it surprised me. I figured Disney--I must be really dumb and probably has a Sting or Elton John song in it somewhere. Actually this movie had a lot of what I was looking for; A decent treasure hunt involving American history, spy tactics, and a hot ass woman who just hangs out throughout the movie.

The main plot of this story is to find the treasure (of course) but in the process they need to steal the Declaration of Independence, break out some masonry from Independence Hall, and breaking into tombs to find a crap load of treasure!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

What Would Terry Do?

They shot the tiger on his chain
In a field behind the cages
He walked in circles 'til he was crazy
And he lived that way forever


Sitting in his spacious 3 story office from the ugly confines of Metrodome Terry Ryan sat quietly at his desk looking at Japanese players whose careers are nearly ending. Terry is a meticulous general manager for the Twins and he performed his job with dignity and proficiency. His job was to maintain a winning baseball team while watching the money dedicated to the payroll. The owner was very cheap despite being a multi billionaire and Terry only had scraps of ballplayers to work with every year. It was a job for any GM to fail.

One thing Terry was phenomenal at was trades. Terry could cherry pick any current mediocre player from any teams minor league system and turn that player into a blue-chip AAA player in a matter of months. One trade had him dealing an above average catcher for three seemingly unknown players from the Giants. Out of those three players, one is a two-time all star, one is a up and coming strike out pitcher with a 12.00 K’s per 9innings, and the other is the top prospect in AAA. Not bad for a catcher that needed to be traded in the first place.

While looking at Japanese stats a faint “snap” could be heard from the ceiling. Terry looked up and couldn’t figure out what happened. He then peeked out his office window and continued looking at stats.

The crack was the Yankees Hideki Matsui snapping his wrist in left field leaving the Yankees without a decent replacement. Just then and there Brian Cashmen, Yankees GM, took his rocket car due west to the Twin Cities.

In the lobby just below Terry Ryan’s office was a well dressed grey haired man with a bright red vest. This man was Walt Jocketty ,the GM for the Cardinals, and he had some business to mention to Terry. Walt wanted to know what it would take to obtain the Twins outfielders Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart.

As Walt punched the button to call the elevator a huge rush of wind came from the street outside. Everyone turned to look at the doors as a rush of flames came out of nowhere and neatly parked in lot outside,
“great Bud and Bud Light! Who is that?” said Walt Jocketty to himself.

In rushed this little man who looked a lot like a cokehead with a Yankees vest on. Walt seen this man too many times to count and his presence immediately meant that his job may have gotten exponentially harder.
It was Brian Cashman.
But the Yankees need pitching. They couldn’t possibly want anything other than a pitcher from the Twins right?
As Cashman slowed down to the elevator he then noticed Mr. Jocketty who was humming and slightly tapping his feet as he waited for the elevator.
“Why hello Card. What brings you here?” asked Cashman.
“aahh--Oh, hell Yankee! I’m aaaah just here to help Terry with ideas for a lineup with the potential new ballpark dimensions in the new stadium. That’s all. What are you here for?” asked Jocketty.
“I’m ah… just aaaahhh… uhhhh I’m just here is all.”

One pretty much knew that the Yankees GM was here just to pry away some ballplayers from the Twins. There really was no reason to lie since it was always blatantly obvious why he would make an appearance anywhere.

The elevator doors spread open as both GM’s walked into the elevators. As they were confined in the elevator, they exchanged awkward glances towards each other as they glanced at each others World Series championship rings.

The door opened and Cashman immediately stepped out and started walking fast towards Terry Ryan’s office which was at the end of a cubicle maze. Jocketty immediately followed Cashman as he entered the maze of cubicles. Cashman went left, then right, straight, then another left, and another right until he was at the door of….
“David St. Peter!!! AaarrrrrGHHHHH!
Meanwhile Jocketty maneuver his way into the middle of the cubicle maze. Cashman stood up on some leftover David Ortiz memorabilia and he could see a the grey hair man going back and forth with ease from within the maze.

Cashman did the only thing he knew to solve this problem, he threw money at it. So he took a handful of money and threw it at the carpet coated six foot wall of light brown carpet but it just bounced off. Cashman then tried to double back and concentrate more on the cubicle maze. He stood on top of the nearby copier and saw that Cashman was a couple turns away from Terry Ryan’s office.

Just then a ghostly figure of Babe Ruth appeared out of nowhere and lifted Brian Cashman over the cubicles and to the front door of Terry Ryan’s office. Walt Jocketty was just about to enter the threshold when the Cashman was gently being let down.
“Oh no, not again!” said Jocketty as he looked behind his shoulder to Cashman being let go from Babe Ruth.

Both stumbled into the office to Terry Ryan staring out the window mumbling,
“Blast that damned Barry Metropolis. When will he learn to do his sodding homework and not waste his time on this under financed--Oh hello guys! What brings you here?” Ryan asked as the two men stumbled into his office.

“I want Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart and I want them now” demanded Brian Cashman.

“Okaaaaay, and why are you here Mr. Jocketty?” asked Ryan

“I ah… I want Torii Hunter and Shannon Stewart too”

“You liar! You said you were here to help him with a lineup!” retaliated Cashman

Both Ryan and Jocketty knew that Cashman was a bit of a sucker at the old time general manager tricks that always seemed too stupid for anyone else to fall for so they politely pointed and laughed at Cashman.

Ryan had a bit of a decision to make…

Would you….

-Trade the players to the Yankees?
-Trade the players to the Cards?
-or keep them?

Me? I would trade Shannon Stewart for a bucket of chicken because while the guy can hit for average, he’s a terrible left fielder who throws lollipops and has lost some speed. Plus he’s making $6.5M. If they offer anything more, I’d take it. It’s especially awesome that at least two teams want the guy and could possibly bid for him.

For Torii Hunter, he’s pretty much gone as it is. Although he’s the best CF in the AL and he’s been hitting a hot bat lately, I just don’t see him being paid $12M by the Twins for next year. That’s a huge chunk of change for a player who is basically just a great CF in my opinion. Hunter could bring in some really good prospects!

I don’t know, whatever.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Welcome to My Apartment

'Cause I'll stop trying to make a difference
I'm not trying to make a difference
I'll stop trying to make a difference
No way



The effects of moving have already started. I already got a note saying how in the next 6 weeks that my building manager will be showing off my apartment to potential renters which tells me two things; 1) they’re not having a problem renting rooms out like 15 months ago. 15 months ago they were giving out sweet deals like including a month of free rent and cable for a month! Basically they couldn’t find renters if they had a naked woman jumping up and down on the street with a sign. 2) I’m going to have to clean up my apartment.

It’s not like my apartment is terminally dirty and that I have half eaten chicken lying around but it does need to be freshened up. Right now if you were to walk into my apartment you’d find laundry scattered outside of the laundry room, cookies next to my recliner and newspapers littered all over the coffee table. I usually have the place clean if I have the briefest notion that someone may come over or when I wake up one morning and take one step into my living room and say, “Jesus, I really gotta clean this fuckin place up.”

Last year I had a the best cleaning regimen I’ve ever had with cleaning and scrubbing every Saturday because I would invite people over to watch some football. Now there’s nothing on anymore and I just like to nap.

Anyway back to the whole ‘showing off the apartment thing’ I when I lived with my cousin we had this same thing happen before we moved out. We were watching American Gladiators or something and tossing ideas out about how we should present ourselves for the potential renters.

We came up with one conclusion,

One would go shopping while another stays at home and plays video games in the living room in their underwear. That way when the people walk in they’d be welcomed to the site of a 20 something dude in their underwear playing video games. Instead of trying to hide anything, said person would act like nothing is wrong and greet the newbies very warmly. Perhaps even a wipe of the hand onto the underwear before shaking hands would be in order.

Then have the rooms cleaned up but maybe throw in some really weird crap on the dressers like a stack of 80 mountain dew cans rising up to the ceiling, an old bucket of KFC with GI Joes inside, and a fleshlight.

While in one of the bedrooms the other roommate could then come in balancing 5 huge buckets of KFC and yelling at the tighty whitey roomey,

“EEEHHHH HEY! GRAB SOME TP BECAUSE THIS SHITS GREASIER THAN NORMAL.” and then maybe drop a couple buckets in the living room.
“DAMMIT! NOW THERE’S CHICKEN EVERYWHERE! FAAAAAK!”

Then in the bathroom there’d be a tv tray set up with an old pizza box and a couple pieces of pizza still left in just in front of the toilet. Then perhaps a half eaten piece of pizza in the shower would kinda nifty.

I think that would be pretty cool just to see a reaction.

That’s all we really came up with. It wasn’t a conversation worth getting any deeper in.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Crappy Cakes

Cause if they catch you in the back seat
Trying to pick her locks,
They're gonna send you back to mother
In a cardboard box.


Crap List

1. That excuse for a game last night.

That Twins game last night was easily the ugliest I have ever seen. Let me explain,

Sarah Jessica Parker moment #1: the first inning Silva gave up 3ER and, if it wasn’t for a couple of outstanding plays, the game should’ve been 6-0!

SJP #2: 2 errors by the White Sox in the bottom of the 1st. Of course this is a good kind of ugly-the kind where you laugh at Hawk Harrelson’s face kind of ugly.

SJP #3: I got to watch the Soprano’s with the Twins having a 7-4 lead and come back an hour later with them being down 9-7. Carlos worthless Silva gave up 8ER in 3.1 innings! BAAAAAH! If you can’t win with 7 runs behind you, you’re awful!

SJP #4: Twins down 9-7 runners on 1st and 2nd with no out. Castillo is at the plate (the best hitter on the team). Luis throws down the worst bunt in the history of bunts, 2 runners going on contact, and Punto not even looking back, and 3-4-6 triple god damn play.

I…I just cannot express how sickening having a triple play going against your team during an important rally is like. It’s like throwing grape kool-aid in a glass of water and drinking it only to find out you just sprinkled freeze dried poop in a glass… and now you’re drinking poop-aid.

Between Punto, Stewart, Castillo, and Silva; they should’ve all chipped in and paid for all the mothers and children that went to the game. The three just for that gawd awful triple play and Silva FOR BLOWING A 7-3 LEAD!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD!!!

I WISH THEY WOULD GET RID OF:
BATISTA
SILVA
AND TC THE ‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE’ BEAR.

2. The weather lately
It’s pretty much rained everyday since Thursday. There used to be 10,000 lakes in Minnesota, now there are only 30 great big lakes. It’s just been really crappy weather for ten days or so.

3. The Crap List

It has been brought to my attention that some of my friends feel a little intimidated by the weekly whine list that I type up for every Monday. When I heard this I had the smallest feeling of surprise because I had no idea people could be afraid of “The Crap List” and I think that’s kind of funny, but I was almost completely shocked because I never realized how much of an irritated bitch it makes me seem.

I don’t mean to be a bitch nor do I want people to feel intimidated. Basically the crap list is my therapy. Everyone gets annoyed and gets mad at everyday things and I just happen to write everything that annoys me or whenever the twins give up A GOD DAMN TRIPLE PLAY!!!!! It’s an easy entry and writing about the bad things in everyday life is easy and therapeutic so that’s why I do it.

Think of it this way, the crap list prevents me from waking up in a cold sweat at 4am and setting fire to my couch while I stab it with a plastic knife to the bass drum of “Run Like Hell”.

Also, I know people get annoyed by me and I don’t even want to pretend that I don’t have anything to do with anything to make these crap list points to happen.

With that said….

4. Hog

For…
-kissing my bald melon
-you and your mom kissing my bald melon
-lying on my hood and getting swass all over
-and telling me to screw off at White Castle!

Even so… it was fun as hell and you finally graduated!
Congrats.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Capital Bits

if you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues.
Cocaine.
When your day is done and you wanna run.
Cocaine.


-After taking a look at the potential place today, everything looked fine. The room was huge, the upstairs was really cool, and the basement is unfinished to which I could care less. When I first met the landlord she was really nice but she looked a little bit like Sarah Connor in Terminator 2 and so I thought that was weird. She also had a twin sister just like Linda Hamilton which kinda freaked me out.
The utilities weren’t that bad and I was especially stoked that I only had to eat up one month of rent (from where I’m at right now) and be done with it. Otherwise she already gets cable and internet and said I can use the place like it was my own so the dream of wearing tighty whities and yelling obscenities at golfers is now better since I can do all that on the deck! Sweet!
Also, if it comes down to it, I can probably lead the charge in destroying some machines if she is in fact, Sarah Connor. I mean I can beat the crap out of Tvs that barely work so I do have a little experience.

She was also bugging the hell out of me about the background check. She called me about 4 times verifying my info that I wrote cleanly for her. I mean I don’t have any kind of a background so I wouldn’t think that it would be terribly hard. Whatever, I have 8 weeks to move out.

-Also if I still had any lingering thoughts to “buying” they were shattered when I heard that Greenspan will be increasing interests rates again. So now it’s like 100% interest. I kinda sorta feel bad for the people that got ARM’s.

-I was watching one of the most intriguing shows last weekend. After flipping the channels at 1:30am last Sunday morning, I stumbled on this “play mania” show on the Game Show Network. It’s actually a live show hosted by the amazing Mel Peachey. They have a bunch of “hangman” type games where people from all over the country call in and win money. The reason this is such a good flick is that there’s all these stoners and completely drunk-ass people that call up and ask for X’s and something completely worthless. Peachy knows this and very subtly makes fun of them. Another reason I’m addicted to this show is that Mel is friggen hot as hell and has the best British accent I have ever heard.

-Last Monday I had the local fire department respond to one of the jobs I had going on at work. As it turns out one of my guys had an exhaust pointed right at a sprinkler head in a parking ramp and sure enough there was water spraying everywhere. So there was one sprinkler head going off.
By the time I got the message I could already hear the sirens in the distance and I met them at the spraying head.
When I arrived there was a ladder truck pulling in followed by another ladder truck. A few minutes later three red suburban pulled in. The scene was well under control seeing as just one head was going off and there was no danger anywhere.
Then two more ladder trucks drove by followed by a huge truck which contains refillable oxygen. From what it sounds, at least 2 departments were sent because instead of one flow alarm in the ramp, there was a flow alarm to every damn building on site (there are about 25 buildings here).

Then I got the page. The page explains what’s going on and it goes to everyone, every-one!

It wasn’t a terribly huge deal because things like that happen but it didn’t come without a bunch of pointing and laughing by the colleagues. My nickname this week has been “sprinky” and it’s probably something that wont go away anytime soon and rightfully so. I mean I would probably point and laugh if that happened too.

So that was quite the experience. At least I never drank a glass of water with a worm swimming around…haha

-Micheal Cuddyer is on fire. If he ever should be pulled from the lineup, I’ll hit Gardenhire in his stupid face!


-Def Leppard had some really stupid videos back in the 80’s. I just watched Hysteria: The Def Leppard story and that was kinda interesting. Following the movie they had a huge block of Def Leppard videos. Foolin was especially stupid.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

A Possible Move

It's the American Dream I am disbelieving.
When the gas in my tank feels like money in the bank
I'm gonna blow it all this time, take me one last ride.
The lights of the city, they only look good when I'm speeding


It could very well be the end of my beloved balcony. Ever since the rent skyrocketed to full price a couple months ago I have been lazily looking for other alternatives. To me, the whole “american dream”* thing has worn off and now I got my sights on other goals. It’s not that I need to move out but there are better ways I can handle my income at this point.

I did look in the paper to find what appears to be a sweet deal. This place is actually a duplex that was build in 2002 with a whole lower level at my dispense and rent for only $375 which is a friggen steal.

So I figured I would go over my pros and cons

Pro: cheaper rent. Rent would be pretty much cut in half compared to the boofmahal that I’m currently staying in. Plus, this apartment isn’t as lock down safe as it would appear since I’ve already had my car “looked at”.
Con: I’d be living with the landlord…who is a woman…and is in her 40‘s. Hmmmm….
I’m not a stranger at living with women though. Back at the hizzy I lived with 2 women and another guy and the relationship between the two women was very weird. The two women (A and Cracky) would talk and talk and talk and blah blah blah… and the worrying and the problems and…the talking. H and I would pretty much say just as much with a slight nod either way or subtle shrug of ones shoulder--we were pretty much on the same wavelength if that is possible.

(tangent: So Cracky was going about her cracky ways by worrying about…oh anything in the kitchen and H and I were watching tv. Cracky starts meandering worrying out loud in the living room and goes off on something really crazy. H and I both looked at her, looked at each other, and then said-in unison- “get away from the tv!” or something to that notion. It was a classic roommate moment.)

So yeah the whole woman dynamic may be a problem. Especially in the bathroom where men and women have completely different opinions of what “clean” is. At this place I’ll have my own bathroom and if I’m going to try to please female landlord, I’m probably going to have to buy all new vanities and toilets every month just for a start. Women have an unnatural need for a pristine bathroom or a bathroom that will destroy gingivitis by simply walking in. If they could fill the space with bleach after every use, they probably would.

Where as guys…
A clean bathroom to guys is if there is no visible fecal matter anywhere. If there’s a big turd hidden behind the toilet, it’s still clean because the turd isn’t visible.
Then there’s the hair which women are deathly afraid of… If I was to form a couple words on the rim of the toilet with hair such as “Pooper dooper” women would probably throw up spontaneously for the next 30 years whereas guys would laugh spontaneously for those same 30 years. Also the idea of “upper deckers” is another one that guys love to talk about and that women dread as long as they live. If I was to leave an “upper decker” in the landlord’s thunder bucket, I’d probably be kicked out of the place right then and there.

So I suppose I’ll have to bring a pack of ty-vek suits so I can sterilize the bathroom ever Saturday.

Pro: It’s pretty much on a golf course. That’s right If I was to hang out in the back, I could watch all the local golfers worm burn the crap out of the beautiful course…and laugh at them! I could also sit in back with some tighty whities, get drunk, and yell obsenities at these guys. Also, I could sneak out there during a full moon and whack some balls and play some midnight golf or something. Maybe not though.

Con: Utilities--I pay utilities now but I don’t have to deal with heat or garbage or gas or water so I may have to pick that up too. The good thing is that it would be cut in half with the woman paying for all that stuff. Then there’s my utilities like HDTV and internet stuff which I don’t know if a woman would be down with or would help me pay for it. Again, I gotta find that out.

Pro: It’s only 3 miles away where I’m living right now and it’s still ridiculously close to work. I think I will be avoiding more stop lights by living here so that would be cool.

Con: It’s walking distance from a Best Buy (DOH!). So like a crack head, I could walk over to best buy whenever I get a crazy whim and buy the cd or dvd with the gateway drug (aka: rewards zone card) and waste away whatever money I saved by buying outright stupid things. I can just see myself buying the Rolling Stones 6 disk dvd box-set because I wanted to see how bad it really was. It’s all willpower I guess.

Pro: perhaps she’s got a hot daughter who’s out of the house who needs someone too…
Con: That’s just stupid.

There’s more but oh well. I gotta see the place first so we’ll see.

*My American dream was to just get a big-ass tv and watch it.

Monday, May 08, 2006

A Ticketmaster Rant

When I breeze into that city,
people gonna stoop and bow
All them women gonna make me,
teach 'em what they don't know how,


Do you realize how much Ticketmaster sucks ass? I swear they’re the worst run business in the world. They’re pretty much the mafia of entertainment seating and I know somewhere they have a door that says “Ticketmaster Customer Service” which is a gigantic oxymoron.


So last night I went to purchase a ticket to the Pearl Jam/Tom Petty show on the first of the two shows they are playing in St. Paul. I already purchased fan club tickets for the 2nd night (which should be awesome as hell), but I wanted to buy a “cheapo” ticket to the Monday concert because…I hafta.

My friends already purchased tickets for that night and it’s still up in the air whether they can secure a suite so I purchased whatever was left. In my experience at the Xcel arena, there’s usually a bunch of tickets not being used and the ushers are nowhere even close to the Commies that run the Target center or the Nazi’s that run the aisles at the Metrodump so one can pretty much sneak anywhere except the floor. I have a bunch of buddies going to that show so I figure I can probably sit by them.

I did the online thing, bought tickets, and then noticed the “You have just bought tickets for the Tuesday, June 27th show” right after I confirmed the order.

Crap! I just purchased a ticket to the show that I was already going to. Of course Ticketmaster isn’t opened on Sunday and you can’t do shit on their website so I figured I could call up a rep the next morning, move my tickets to the night before, and everything would be fine.

Well, that’s what I thought anyway. Who would have thought that buying Pearl Jam tickets through Ticketmaster would be such a pain in the ass?

So I call them up bright and early Monday morning to talk to someone and I get the automated message and the whole “dial one for…” marathon. Finally I get to hold when I get the,
“All representatives are on hold. Wait time is greater than 5 minutes.”

Oh they're so informative! So I could be waiting for 7 hours since it is indeed “over 5 minutes“. So I stay on hold and they have the most annoying elevator music ever. After 15 minutes I figure they must have 2 people answering phones nationwide with one of them on break until noon. As I’m being put on hold I’m being told that,
“please go to ticket master.com for even faster service to check up on all your ticket needs”. On Ticketmaster.com you can view your order and email them-to which they will then get back to you in 12-24 hours *sigh*. So I stay on hold while I get into my morning routine of going to the bathroom, getting dressed, and watering my blasted morning glories all while my head is tilted to the side to keep my ear on the receiver.
As I was watering my stubborn morning glories, I then got the “hello my name is…”
I explained my situation as nicely as I could because I know how irate people can get towards ticket master and being nice to women always has its benefits. She then puts me on hold AGAIN so I can talk to her supervisor.

A couple minutes later I get this southern dude who sounds like he’s pissed off. Me, having a little northern accent, and him, with the extreme southern accent, were pretty much speaking different languages and our conversation was scattered with “Excooose me” and “Sorry ‘cain ‘stand yas”. It was almost like we needed an interpreter from Missouri or something.

He was willing to help me though it was grudgingly. He did find a ticket for my desired date but it was the most expensive ticket in the joint.
“Ah, could I find something with obstructed view or anything half as cheap?” Just like ticket master to help me out but only if it ultimately works in their favor.

I could hear a sigh and then--blip….

“hellooooo? Helloooo?”

YAAAAAAAAAH YOU SON OF A ROTTEN BITCH!!!!!

The fucker hung up on me. 35 minutes of waiting for a simple cancellation and purchase have now been wasted because some dude at Ticketmaster couldn’t be inconvenienced.

I was a little mad to say the least.

So I went through the whole thing over again. Instead of the crabby southern dude, I got a woman instead which was nice. I used all my might to be polite and kind and she actually came through.

God bless that woman and I hope she quits and finds a decent place to work.

No-Hitting Crap

I'm the independent thief
no one's got a number on me
everybody's talking while you save this crowd
they water down the drinks and the band plays too loud



Crap List

1. Giving up a no-hitter and letting the hits pour on.
As a baseball fan, there is nothing more coveted than seeing a no-hitter. For me, a 2nd tier dream would be to witness a no-hitter in person because that would be like winning a baseball lottery ticket. If you really want to be greedy you could wish for a perfect game or an unassisted triple play (oh the anecdotes!). Even to watch one of these on TV is special in my opinion. Of course there is the superstitions that go with every no-hitter. Bat-Girl explains it briliantly in her blog.

Last year I saw Santana pitch 5 innings of perfect baseball. As dumb as I take most fans that attend the game, the actually knew as much with Santana heading into the 6th. The pressure could be felt throughout the dome. After years of Santana giving up 2 or 3 hit-8 inning games, it seemed like he could go the full nine! Sure enough the no-hit bid was broken up with a homer and almost makes people wanna cry because,
-The perfect game is lost
-The no-hitter is lost
-The shut out is lost

And it cut the Twins lead in half. I wanted to throw up!

Yesterday Santana was locked in. He stuck out eight hitters in 4 innings and the Detroit hitters looked like they were owned from the start. They had no chance.

Going into the 7th, the no-hit bid was still intact. The pressure was meatnourmous.

First hitter: base hit

Awwww the no-hit bid was over now the complete game, shutout was next.

2nd hitter: home run
Waaaaablahblahblahblah blahhhhhh

Next three hitters went 2-3 and Santana was a base hit away from giving up the lead and his win chance.

It has to be one of the ugliest moments in baseball because one minute you might see baseball greatness and the next it’s supreme ugliness!

2. Damn Morning Glories
So I went home a couple weekends ago and I got into a conversation with my Mom about plants. Now I’ve never really gotten into a deep conversation with my mom about anything of substance except “What’s new?” but when it comes to plants, my Mom will talk your ear off. So I got into the conversation about all the beautiful crabapple trees that are blooming and she goes on and on about how their grown, when to plant them, and how to water them. It was ten times better than UofM botany class (and $600 cheaper). It was surreal because I’ve never been a plan/garden type. Now I was willing to try something out.
My mom then shows me her morning glories which were just planted.
“Would you like to take some over to your apartment?” my mom asked.
“Uh… sure.” and so it begins. I watered them everyday. I addressed them everyday and I carefully placed them by my window.

I even went shopping at plant stores for knick knacks (the humanity). About that, I thought I was over my head in shopping for mattresses but floral stuff just gives me the creeps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After ten minutes of looking at knick knacks

Employee seeing Boof meandering around aimlessly around the store: Can I help you?
Boof sweating and turning pale white: I uh…I don’t BELONG HERE! I need something to water my dead morning glories. But oh no! They’re not growing! I just aborted my morning glories! Tell me there’s a drug that can make them better! AAAAAAH I’M OUT OF MY ELEMENT! TELL ME WHERE THE NEAREST BEST BUY IS!!!!!!!
He then runs to the front of the store with a big bag of potpourri
Boof with the bag of potpourri: I HATE THIS SMELL! YAHAHAHAHAHA

Boof pops the bag, scatters potpourri everywhere, and finally runs out into the parking lot screaming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This last week I came back home,
“Have your morning glories sprouted yet?” my mom asked.
“Noooo. Everything looks the same!”

Then she showed me pot after pot of sprouted morning glories that already had leaves growing.

Someday I’ll get it right.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Inside The Dream: Bastard Geese

Don't try to look away when you're face to face
I see your eyes that animal emotion
You don't have to set your tender trap
It's in those eyes, it's gonna happen anyway


Here is the dream I had a couple nights ago.

So this is what I remember…

So I’m driving up this mountain in my car. I don’t know why I’m going up this mountain but I am. I have my windows down and enjoying the sun when I come across a family of Canadian geese on the side of the road just before the drop. Seeing these geese I react with,
“Oh. Shit!” and I immediately struggle to close my windows. I need to close my windows because I’m afraid the mother will try to fly in and beak me to death because I'm invading her family's space.

So… as I struggle I manage to shift gears and before I know it, I’m about to back off the side of the mountain. I then forget about the geese and my window and focus on the gear before I fly off the side of the mountain. I gained control over my car and then tried to refocus on closing my window again.

Still nothing but I can’t find the geese anymore and now my car is out of control as if I don’t have breaks anymore. So I focus back on my car and steady it.

It’s at this point where I figure that I’m dreaming because there’s no way I could lose control of my car…on the side of a mountain…and get all afraid of Canadian geese like this. So I drive to the top of the mountain, back as far up as I can, and then rev off the side just so I could see what that feeling of falling is like. It was awesome! And I could remember having a dumb smile as I’m falling.

I woke up not like it was a nightmare but more like “What the hell was that all about?”
I figure me not controlling my car could represent me and my life although I don’t think that makes sense.

The geese are from this family at work. Last year the mother would stick out her tongue and hiss at me whenever I drove by. I thought that was kinda cool and so I would purposely drive by slowly just to piss her off. I know that’s probably bad karma and all but I find it humorous so I laugh and make faces at them. Yeah I should grow up…but it’s pretty sweet.
So I suppose that this dream was the geese having the revenge on me.

(blink:blink)

I’LL GET YOU NEXT TIME YOU GOD DAMN GEESE!

Then me figuring out that it was a dream was just that. I’m trying to control my dreams more often because then I can expand on my dream and do whatever I want.

Yeah…

Have a good weekend everyone!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Show Me Your Bits!

I've been to London, seen seven wonders.
I know to trip is just to fall
I used to rock it, sometimes I'd roll it.
I always knew what it was for


-Jeez… So the Twins stadium bill makes it out of the House by the skin of it’s teeth and you’d hope that the bill would conveniently make it through the Senate without many problems. Apparently that’s too much to ask because the Senate is screwing this up!
It’s like asking your Mother to watch your apartment for the weekend only to come back with everything rearranged and screwed up.
Some people are talking about the DFL trying to stick it to Pawlenty by forcing him to tax people after he said he wouldn’t. WHATEVER! Just get the god damn thing done and quit foolin around!

-Senator Pogemiller was interviewed on the local radio station yesterday. He was on the PA & Dubay show which I have always felt has been hosted by a couple morons and Viking groupies and they never ever seem to talk about baseball. Even so, they really gave Pogemiller a beating when he was a guest on the show and they exposed how much of a dumbass the Senator was. He didn’t know the University of Louisville was a university!?

- It’s been about three weeks since my old gateway computer was stolen. I looked in my unlocked storage locker yesterday and to my delight, it’s still stolen!!!! BOOOOOOYAAAAAAAH

I hope whoever stole it dropped it off a really big building!

-Yesterday Brad Radke faced off against Joe Mays in an all out battle of the sucka-cons (a transformer that I have just invented). Radke came into the game with an ERA of 8.89 and Mays with 12.46. Mays got knocked out in the 4th after pitching only 10 outs and giving up 6 runs (2 of them earned). Amazingly enough, Mays’ ERA actually went down to 10.27.
Bwahahaha You know you suck when you give up 6 runs in three innings and your ERA drops.

-I think I got an issue resolved with Fuckface but not without some whining and a childish response.

-As Alie said the other day, I am indeed brave. I’m a true American hero for going to the see United 93 by myself. In fact, I will go as far as to say that I should have a school named after me for such bravery. “Boof Barber College”
Haha just breaking ya balls Alie! Bwahhaha

United 93 Review

how will we laugh just like before
when there's water rising up to our door
and we may never see each other again
my dear old friend


United 93 will probably be in my top five list in terms of all time emotional flicks right up until the day I die. I’ve never had such powerful emotions while watching any movie. Schindler’s List comes close but this movie was something else.

Let me give you a bit of a background of my thoughts leading up to the movie. I had a small feeling that a movie like this may be a bit premature coming out less than five years since 9-11, but I didn‘t feel too strongly about it. I didn’t have any friends or relatives that were affected (to my knowledge anyway) but I did think it was really stunning to know my Aunt was in the Twin Towers exactly one week before the…"what have you" happened.
Also, I’ve never seen the similar movie that was on A&E so I can’t compare the two.

So, in a nutshell, I picked this movie over “Friends With Money” because it had good reviews.

I smuggled in a can of pop and waited as the movie started. The movie starts with the terrorists going through their “checklist”. Immediately I had emotions of rage, my heart started pounding, and it was hard to focus on anything else. It was at that point I figured these antagonists (bad guys) would probably be the most effective antagonists in any movie I’ve ever watched (and perhaps will ever watch).

What I found really interesting was that there were a bunch of annoying teeny-boppers sitting behind me and as the opening credits were rolling they were eating their popcorn and talking rather loudly. Once the terrorists were shown, the theatre was silent. It was the best theatre crowd I have ever been around.


The movie basically has two settings: inside the plane and different control towers in each of the affecting cities. A lot of the actors and actresses actually worked as the occupation they were acting such as the stewardess and the workers in the control towers. Ben Sliney acts as the control tower commander (if that's he's called) and plays himself--he was playing the role he was in on September 11 and he does a damn good job too!

I don’t want to give much away--not that it’s a secret of what happened--but it is interesting the dynamics of the movie. Basically this movie is a docu-drama because character names are not even known--it’s pretty much just, ’ok there’s the guy with the hat and that’s the woman with the phone’. There are no sub-plots or any emotional mother-daughter-type relationship scenes. I was also expecting a sappy directorial message like in Spiderman where the “us New Yorkers stick together” comes in which is fine and all but it’s leaning too much on the corny side. Nah, this movie basically is just United 93 and nothing more.

It takes quite awhile for things to happen and as the time elapses I found myself going back to what I was doing on that day,
“okay now I’m biking to school”
“now I’m probably sitting in my botany lab”
There’s numerous scenes from inside the plane and each shot has you transfixed. The curiosity is unbearable.

Finally the end happens and, I must say, was the most eye popping and jaw dropping ending I have ever seen. I almost shouted out, “OH MY GOD!!” as things were happening because it almost feels like you’re in there with everyone.

Finally the credits come on and I just could not believe what I just watched! I even told a complete stranger how that was crazy!

Coming into the movie I was a little worried about the ending because I can be a bit of an emotional guy (aka: wuss) at some movies. I’ll shed a tear at movies like Schindler’ List and The Day After Tomorrow because they are either powerful or so completely stupid that I just want my money back. With United 93 I really didn’t shed a tear and it didn‘t find the ending that emotional. If anything the movie kinda, sorta ends on a decent note because you know the terrorists never reached their goal. The movie also shows how incredibly heroic those passengers were and the movie basically gives off the impression that everyone in the movie did what they needed to do. As it turns out, I forgot I smuggled my pop in the theatre and I had to chug the rest in a mad hurry.

I highly recommend this movie to say the least. Especially see this in the theatre because it’s a kind of movie where the audience feels connected to each other and the sound from the planes taking off is really cool!

I don’t know what this movie is considered “Oscar wise” but it should easily win some awards.