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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Burned

I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home


August 2006


I was riding the light rail on Hiawatha Blvd on to Nicollet mall to meet the woman who I had been dating. K and I had been dating for about a month and things seemed to be getting better and better with each passing week. Interestingly (or sadly-- however you figure) it was the first real hint of a relationship I had been a part of in a long time. K was a driven woman with high aspirations of being the best at everything she could possibly do. She would put family and friends number one and still had a drive to be the best at everything. It was rather inspiring and I felt like I had to match that somehow someway. K was very attractive with her eyes being the most attractive asset. As far as I was concerned, she was keeper.

With me working afternoons and her working “normal people hours” it was a bit difficult to see each other but we would make ever opportunity to do so even if it was just for an hour over lunch. We had some really good dates in the past--most notably at a Twins game in which the Twins came from behind to beat the Brewers. It was one of those nights that an aura was cast around us and every little thing seemed to take place and enhance the date. Also another night in which we simply watched movies and did the little things that mark the start of a potential relationship was a bit memorable.

Things were going good to say the least and now I was on the train to see her. I hadn’t seen K in about a week because our schedules just wouldn’t match up so I was anticipating seeing her and giving her back the movie that she insisted that I bring over. Before hand we exchanged emails,

Along with the movie I brought a small gift that I got her for her birthday which was a couple days ago. It wasn’t anything expensive or big or anything but just a small gesture to brighten her day a bit. I like to try to surprise people like that.

So I get off the train and wait for K to show up, she shows up and we embrace. We head over to the local pizza place and immediately start into conversation.

Normal conversations between us seemed genuine and pleasant before but this one seemed more business than anything else. K seemed a bit somewhere else and the comments she would give seemed more like subtle jabs than pleasant conversation. I remember looking across the room and trying not to scowl at one particular period of time.
Her tone then suddenly jumped and I figured it was going to be good news,
“Oooh, did you bring me my movie?” she asks. Although the tone was happy, the intention seemed a little ‘one-track’ and not the subject I was hoping for.

After our lunch we walked out and I handed her the gift and she was not nearly as surprised as I expected. We embraced very quickly and she left jogging for her office door.

Something didn’t seem right at all.

After that, she didn’t call, return my voice mails, or emails for an entire week after that.
Did she not like the present?
Did something happen to her?
What is going on?

Throughout this week I had the unpopular notion that she just wanted to meet to get her dumb movie back and now that theory seemed to be an accurate assumption but something was definitely up.

Long story short, we never met again. She had a guy “best friend” who she would reassure me was just a friend. Apparently they started dating and things heated up from there which shoved me out of the equation. I found this out two months later. Surprisingly enough for the next two months: through a series of phone calls (initiated by her) to string me along and tell me things are good between us, blatant lies, and wanting to keep me available for a rainy day--she held my attention because I didn’t know how else to approach the situation.

I even asked her,
“Are you stringing me along?”

K,
“no, I’m not stringing you along at all and I’m so sorry it seems that way”

The inspiring-friends and family first-woman that I once thought I knew quickly turned into a bit of a snake.

All in all the situation really burned me and I felt a bit humiliated and na├»ve. Even now with the current relationship (or whatever you want to call it) I’m in now, I feel myself remembering these events more and more.

The interesting thing is that I find myself less and less comfortable as a relationship progresses. The first date will be a piece of cake but after 6 weeks I find myself hoping not get-together to simply return videos. I also find myself trying to keep my finger on the pulse of the relationship and try to find any kind of a barometer to things. If she’s having a bad day and doesn’t want to see me, I instantly have to examine things. If she says a comment that I misinterpret, I have to find out more and dig deeper to the source. It sets quite a conscience dilemma: can I let that comment go or should I pursue it more?

Not that what I went through was terribly bad or worse than anyone else’s story but it had a way of burning a watermark into future relationships for me. K is long gone now but she left me with a reminder that I wish would go away.

Baaah, whatever. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.

1 comment:

Aliecat said...

I didn't know you were seeing someone new! You pimp!