Risin' up straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance
Now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive
My fantasy football team, the Colostomy Crushers, were struggling. I couldn’t seem to find a win and I was in desperate need of more points. Hog’s “Goodfellas” were strolling along anchored by the ultimate fantasy player in the history of fantasy football, LaDanian Tomlinson. Tomlinson was scoring an ungodly 4 touchdowns every game and a streak of something like 24 touchdowns in 8 games or something.
So every Sunday we’d go to Buffalo Wild Wings (BW3) I’d have to listen to him brag about how many touchdowns “LT” would get and hear how he’s going to destroy the league.
I believed him and therefore got really jealous as any opposing rival should.
The week before I faced off against Hog in the Presidents cup VI and had a heartbreaking loss. I scored an amazing 112 points but it wasn’t even close to Hog’s 132. To round it all off Hog would refer to LT’s 4 touchdowns that sealed the deal. From that point on I semi secretly wanted Hog to lose anyway possible.
Hog was 8-3 with no signs of letting up and my Colostomy Crushers were 5-6.
“Dave told me that he’s pretty much handing over the season championship to me” Said hog after 5 straight wins. Dave was clinging on to the league standings based on luck for the most part and Hog was favored to take it away based on the crazy streak he had going.
Then things changed.
Maurice Jones-Drew started going bananas and running in a crap load of touchdowns, Stephen Jackson started to really turn things on, TO and Donald Driver (the only black man named Donald I think) also started to turn it on.
Before long the Colostomy Crushers were pummeling the competition and had won 3 in a row. Four games left and I was playing the best of the best. I figured if I won the last four games, I could wrap up 2nd place.
Yadda, yadda, yadda [cue: cheesy 80’s montage here]
1st game Vs. The Bald Eagles: won despite not beating this team for ten years or something like that.
2nd game Vs. Pocket Rockets: won
3rd game vs. The Yettis: won
Finally the last game was the rematch with Hog. With me winning and Hog suddenly losing our records were tied at 10-6. Suddenly it came down to the one final week. LT didn’t have anything to play for and Hog desperately picked up Issac Bruce and Ron Dayne to plug up any holes he had. I had to go with my core group.
A win against Hog would ensure a 2nd place finish and $100. I pumped my fists, I frantically looked at stat projections, and waited with anticipation for what would be in store that week. An hour after the games began the score was knotted up at 30 then 35-30 then it would be tied again. Willy Parker would score a touchdown and Hog would be up once again.
Then the Colostomy bombs started falling.
Stephen Jackson scored 4 touchdowns
Terrell Owens scored on a 56 yard bomb from Tono Romo (my quarterback)
Maurice Jones-Drew scored
And by that time it was just too much. The Colostomy powerhouse was just too much for the weak and pathetic Goodfellas. In fact you could say that we crushed the colostomy bags that the Goodfellas needed for pooping and such.
Colostomy Crushers 2nd
The Colostomy Crushers ended with a 7 game winning streak and therefore,
SHOCKED THE WORLD!