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Friday, February 23, 2007

If I was Superman

I know I felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you

If I was Superman…

-I could work in downtown New York and not have to worry about parking or traffic jams. I could also buy land in Montana and commute by flying across country. God damn that would be awesome. I’d have to have a change of clothes in the office but with all the money I’d save without having to pay for gas or upkeep in driving across country for work.

-I could work as the only member of my own construction company. By employing only me, I could get a job done without having to use any kind of machinery because, hell, I could dig up anything and pick up anything. I could weld with my heat rays and I could freeze liquids with my freeze breath. I would automatically win every damn bid too because I would get the job done right away and if anyone messes with me, fuck them cuz, I’m motherfuckin Superman.

-I could also travel in an environmentally friendly manner without using fossil fuels. At least I think so unless Superman actually drinks liquefied coal or gasoline. Then the exhaust might allow me to invest in Fruit of the Lomb companies.

-I could watch any baseball game live because I could probably sneak on my way onto the roof of the ballpark and hide behind a light or something. Ooooh I could also prevent the other team of hitting home runs with the forcefulness of my breath. Twins would go 162-0...if they had an outdoor ballpark and if I was able to make every game.

-I could be a punter for the Vikings and I could punt the ball 20 miles into the sky. Then when 22 guys are all waiting for the ball, me and the Vikings players could constantly pin the other team inside the 5 yard line.

-I could “step” up to any mafia/gang member and totally fuck their shit up. When they retaliate with their fists or guns, nothing would hurt because I’m superman. I wouldn’t necessarily hurt them but I would make them waste their ammo on my impenetrable self which would piss the hell out of them.

-I could probably win the war in Iraq in 2 seconds.

-I could turn back time by spinning counter clockwise around the world and prevent Marty McFly from going back to the future…just to piss him off. Haha

-I would kick the crap out of any track star by being faster than a speeding bullet. I’d win the gold medal in every running category. Hell, I’d win the gold in every category: diving, marathon, biathalon, ski jumping, bobsled, curling (man, I’d be sweeping the shit outta that ice. I’d sweep so much that the ice would be melted off)

-I’d try burning CD’s and DVDs using my heated eye rays and then put them in a player to see what they sound like.

-I could smash anyone in the face.

-mock the hell out of race car drivers by pretending they ran over me and just laying on their hood and staring at the driver.

-I could act like I’m stranded on a deserted island with a bunch of other people and each day I’d bring in something more extravagant and mess with everyone’s heads. Like one day I’d be lighting off $400 worth of fireworks and then the next day I’d host a barbeque with some really fancy grill and a boom box. When they ask me how I got all this stuff I’d reply with, “because I’m superman you horse’s ass you!”

-I would turn back time and put Ringo, Paul, John, and George in one room and seal it up until they get back together for one concert. Screw you Lorne Micheals…pfff a million dollars.

-I could skip a rock from San Francisco and see if it goes all the way to Austrailia.

-I could set up a golf ball on a tee on one side of Niagra Falls and see if I could hit a golf ball around the world.

-I could fly up to the peak of Mt. Everest and hang out.

-throw a can of pop through a wall

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