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Sunday, February 11, 2007

Simply Crap

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

Crap List

1. Twins unsure where new ballpark will be built

It’s like this, I’ll play the part of the landowner and tell you how this thing has not worked out.

Once apon a time, there were these government personell who called me and we had this conversation

Government worker: Mr. Boof, would you be willing to sell your land for a Twins ballpark?

Boof: yeah, I could do that.

Government worker: cool. Bye

And then a bill was pushed through the state house where it was debated, fought, argued, pissed on, dragged in the mud, talked about until the late hours in the morning until it was finally passed. Then it went on to the Senate where it BARELY passed (something like 34-30).

And all was well. The deal was done! The ballpark is coming. Twins fans danced in the streets, liberals (who don’t watch any sports) found other things to bitch about, and the Twins were starting to win games.

Life was good for baseball fans.

But then they realized they never actually negotiated a price with Boof. So when the time came to start negotiating a price I’m sure they met in a conference room.

Governement worker looking all spiffy in his nice suit: Alright Mr. Boof here’s a piece of paper and we’d like you to put your figure for what you’d like to sell your land for and we’ll do the same and finally look at each other’s bid.

Boof and GW start scribbling in their piece of paper and finally swap.

Boof looking at paper: It says here you would like to buy my land for $12.5 million is this correct?
GW: yes.

GW looking at his sheet: okay it says here… would like to sell your land for--haha Boof, this is no time for jokes.

Boof: I’m not joking

GW: This figure doesn’t exist

Boof pounding on the table: WELL, MAKE IT EXIST!

And this is where the stalemate has come. They didn’t buy the fucking land while the bill was being sweated on through congress. Oh my fucking god.

If the state of Minnesota had to fill in a coloring book it would take about 3 months to debate the action through congress, about $3 Million dollars in lobbying, and the end result is that it would never be colored because, as it turns out, no one knows how to fill out a coloring book.

GOOD GOD, I remember back in the day I would visit Shane’s blog “greet machine” which was *the* blog for this topic. Legislators and senators would check up on that site and it would serve the informative site for this bill. Then once the bill passed Shane had nothing to talk about except for symphonies performing Super Mario Bros. and stuff like that. Now, and no offense to Shane, I find myself coming back there for more info.

It’s like those horror movies where you can drop Freddy Kruegar off a plane 20,000 feet in the air and he lands on 10 hand grenades and finally get run over by one of those oversized semi’s carrying Oprah and he comes back 5 months later.


2. These people who leave their kids in their cars.

First of all these parents should be beaten to an inch of their lives. Second with ever story I read they’re always written like this,
“While little Jim was left in the car the temperature plummeted to minus 2 degrees but the wind index was down to twenty eight below.”
Now if I understand wind chill correctly, it’s how cold it feels with the amount of water being evaporated off your skin which a kid locked in a car would not feel. So wind chill, as far as I know, doesn’t really apply.
And also some of these kids are like 7 years old. My mom would leave me and my bro in the car for short periods of time (while she’d buy gum or whatever) and we were alone in the car. The second my mom stepped foot outside the door my bro and I would look at each other and A) fight B) play our kid games like we did and/or C) mess with every god damn lever, button, switch, and monitor in the car. Then my mom would come back into the car and the radio would be blasting loud, the wind shield wipers would be on full blast, we’d put a piece of gum on her seat so she’d sit on it, the radio would be on static, the high beams would be on, and the seat would be adjusted all the way back.

This was only a 5 minute jaunt into the store mind you.

If my bro and I were stuck in a car for an extended period of time, we’d probably end up destroying that car.

“Hey Tom, do you think these seats came come off?”
“I don’t know, let see”

I even remember tying to destroy the car while we were in it. I remember trying to peel off this metal piece next to the door opener and he yelled at me,

And then I’d mutter to myself “Well good for me because I’m never gonna buy a car so then he can’t destroy it”

So far he hasn’t destroyed it.

1 comment:

Shane said...

I would rather write about symphonic treatments of Super Mario Bros. That is something everyone can get behind.

Let's hope I fade into obscurity again soon!