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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

What Women Want

She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies,
Knockin' me out with those American thighs

I thought for this year’s Valentine’s day I would fulfill my love of generalizations and write about everything that every woman likes. Now the two females that read this may speak up and say that they actually do not agree with my assessment but I will discount that as blatant lying for the sake of my integrity and this entry.

-Red Hot Chili Peppers
Through my extensive research (talking to four females) I have determined that every woman on the planet loves this band. I don’t know if it’s so much as they like the music or just like the lead singer, Anthony Keidas but it’s sheer love for this band. I don’t know where the RHCP are playing today but send your girl to wherever these guys are playing and she’ll be happy.

-Grey’s Anatomy
This is the show that is on (is it Thursday nights?) but is the female equivalent of Sunday football for guys. I’ve only watched one episode (bomb episode part 1) and I vowed to never watch it again but for some reason women just can’t get enough. I think it has something to do with a guy named Dr. McDreamy or something around that name. I don’t know if that’s his real character name but that’s just plain stupid if it is. Somehow us guys have to bottle the mojo that comes with this show.

-You Shook Me All Night Long
Of all the AC/DC songs why do all women love *LOVE* this one? Basically play this song in any bar and you’ll have ever lady throwing their hands in the air and screaming followed by drunken karaoke by every female there. I’m a fan of TNT, Thunderstruck, and Who Made Who but this is just overplayed. I think women like it because of the beat of the song or maybe it’s the chorus. Hmmm

-Receiving flowers at work
This is because they want everyone to be jealous. Apparently there is no greater feeling than to feel the jealousy of your coworkers and to silently gloat to the coworkers. I don’t even think anyone notices the flowers as much as it’s the giant pink and red things being delivered to the desk.

Women just can’t get enough of cats. They play with them, take pictures of them, dress them (I dated a girl who would dress up her cats and it was just…disgusting), and talk to them like babies. I don’t mind cats at all but I like cats like I like dogs and animals at the zoo that actually do things.

-the movie Sweet Home Alabama
I think it’s purely the dude in that film. It’s interesting because according to women give this movie an average rating of 6.5 which is decent. Guys give it a 5.5 which isn’t terribly good.
If you have no idea what your girl likes, just give her this movie because if she’s got a vagina, she’ll love this movie.

These are the things that I think 80% of the women like so I’m not as sure as these.

-Hillary Clinton
Using my extensive research I’d chat with a couple women and everything would be fine. Bring up Hillary and they turn into a blank stare and start talking like a robot,
“I-LIKE-HIL-A-RY, SHE-IS-FOR-WOMEN’S-RIGHTS-AND-SHE-IS-STR-ONG” and it’s almost as if you need to play “you shook me all night long” on the juke box in order to snap them out of whatever mindset they’re in.

-Any movie with Reese Witherspoon
Mostly the legally blond movies but as semi hot she is, she’s just the kind of woman that other women want to be or hang out with. Maybe it’s part of that Sweet Home Alabama thing? Who knows.

-Bob Barker and Richard Dawson
The ultimate Pimps of pimps everywhere. I would like nothing more than to hang out with these guys in Vegas (if Dawson is still alive) and get some of the hottie residual. Women love these guys because of their old guy charm (I think).

So based on all that I would suggest you bring your girl to a Red Hot Chili Pepper’s concert (wherever it is) and watch Sweet Home Alabama on the plane ride with about 5 cats roaming around. Then after the concert have some drinks with Bob Barker and Richard Dawson and talk about Hillary Clinton. Then bang the hell out of her with “you shook me all night long” on repeat of course.

And she should like that. I dunno.

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