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Friday, April 27, 2007

History of Slacking Off

I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me.
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me.
I wish I was a messenger, and all the news was good.
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood.

I was talking to someone recently on smoke breaks and how sometimes a non smoker just isn’t allowed similar breaks. He then went on how sometimes he would go to the bathroom with his gameboy and just waste about a half hour just to get even.

I got to thinking on all the ways I would waste time in all my jobs because I thought I was the only one who would go to the bathroom to waste time.

Newspaper company: This was a pretty fun job just for my coworkers who were 15&16 year old punks who would try to get in trouble. We all would waste time by hiding behind huge carts full of papers and making faces at each other. We’d get caught after a few minutes but it was even better pissing off our boss.
Someone would already have the idea of going to the bathroom except they would actually crack one off and stink up the joint so that option was not even worth it. Other time’s we’d hide in the back and bs until we heard footsteps and then we’d stand up and pretend like we’re working.

Yacht Club: When I’d come in to work on Fridays I’d always try to do stupid things like setting up the dock and mowing the little lawn they had until my boss left for the weekend. When my boss left then I’d simply sit in the gas shack and sleep. People would walk by and say hi and I would simply raise my hand while I was trying to catch some Z’s.

Eventually my friend Raymond joined me because sometimes the summer weekends were really busy and we both would sit across the small gas shack from each other, lean our heads on a quart of oil, and both try to sleep. When we weren’t sleeping we’d debate whether a can of coke would float or sink if we threw it in the water. We spent about 3 weeks debating and arguing about it until I finally went to the bathroom and tested it myself. I spent another week arguing (even though I knew I was wrong) until I finally gave in.

Toy’s R Us: I hated working at this god damn place because the people that shopped there were so annoying. This was the first job where shifts were strictly obeyed and I had a people looking at my punch card to make sure I wasn’t late (which I was always). Here, I would go to the bathroom for about a half hour and read the paper, a magazine, or try and sleep. Sometimes I would go in the back room and just pretend to look for stuff for…as long as I could get away with it.

Forest Service: For this job there wasn’t much screwing off and doing nothing since we all knew we were government employees and people paid taxes to support us. Our work though, didn’t require supervision from a boss so we’d sometimes walk really slowly towards a tree stand or drive slowly back to the base.

The three of us were really good at “running out the clock” to a point where we were all on the same page. Our theory was if we worked our ass off the first 6 hours, we could glide through the next 2 and feel we accomplished a good work day. This work ethic didn’t agree with one of the women we eventually added to our crew because to her, we had to work our ass off the full 8 hours. The thing is, she wouldn’t work her ass off as much as she would “glide” through the 8 hours while we’d work our ass off the first 6.

What the fuck?

Present job: I simply wander buildings, surf the net, blog, find an abandoned office and catch a Z or two.
It’s actually not even daring anymore.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Skirt Bits

Oh, it's so hard to explain
I know my loss is someone else's gain

-I know I’m really late on this discovery (like many things) but I have found a show that’s better than 24. Better than Lost (actually picking my nose is better than Lost). Even better than Sopranos by a very thin margin.
Rescue Me is phenomenal. It has the funniest episodes I have ever seen, some of the most dramatic episodes I have seen, and the women are all pretty hot.

This is definitely a step up from The Job, which I really enjoyed back when it was on, and it contains the usual list of Denis Leary characters in Lenny and Diane Farr.

God damn this is funny. Watching Leary fumble his way through two girlfriends, a wife, three kids, and another woman he’s banging on the side makes for some wonderful Leary fidgeting. Also one of the greatest moments is when he finds out his daughter is a lesbian and he starts pumping his fists knowing teenage boys wont be messing with her.

Gold, pure gold.

-My Dad has been given an opportunity to retire a bit early from his job and all these work people are asking me if he’s taking this “buyout”. I sure as hell don’t know anything because I figure they know more than me. My Dad has traditionally eaten all the overtime they would give him and for a period of about 5 years he would voluntarily work “7-12‘s”. I think that was more to avoid my mom than anything but some of that was probably his thinking that I was going to be something brilliant like a doctor or accountant and that I would have some schooling to pay for. Maybe that was so he could buy himself a big-ass truck too. Who knows.

I’ve been asking everyone that I’m sure retirement sounds nice but what would he do? He’s got to be occupied from 8am-7pm and I know for a fact that he’s not going to spend that much time with my mom*.

I guess he’d go to races but then again his racing buddy just passed away a couple months ago, but I don’t think that will stop him from seeing races. Maybe they’ll sell the house to me and I can have wild crazy parties every night?

*While we love our mom/wife, she drives me and my dad absolutely fucking nuts. It’s the real reason why I moved to an apartment instead of saving money for a phat place. I have no idea how my brother still puts up with it. Oh yeah, I remember why, it’s because he has to.

-As I arrived to the gym today I got a phone call from S. S has some potential to be the new “special friend” and we’ve been trading calls lately.

S: So where are you right now?
Boof: I’m heading to the gym to work on my pecs. You know, sculpt my guns all nice and big like.
S: Oh so you’re going to do some heavy lifting then eh?
Boof: nah, I’m going to do my thing and get outta here.
S: Sounds like you brought your skirt.


Now I have to interject because the last couple women I’ve dated have criticized me of being “too mean” by doing this exact thing. Being mean is my moxy, my funny/defensive way of showing affection. Because I’ve had so many complaints about this, I’ve actually set the mean quirks away because maybe I am being an ass?

This “skirt” comment struck me because
A: I totally wasn’t expecting it
B: It was something I would say
C: The only person I’ve ever heard use “skirt” like that was my old roommate, H who would ask me to bring a skirt whenever I would talk about how I can’t handle hot foods. Since then I have used the “skirt” reference since it’s so god damn effective.

I didn’t have a response other than a “heh, wuh?”

As a result I had a fucking awesome workout and I think that "skirt reference" made her more attractive.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Party at Boof's

Here's a little agit for the never-believer.
Here's a little ghost for the offering.
Here's a truck stop instead of Saint Peter's.
Mister Andy Kaufman's gone wrestling

My roommate and BJ guy left for vacation yesterday and since then I find myself in this scenario,

Watching TV with my baby (my huge tv) and spending quality time with my special friend (bag of Doritos). I’ll have one of my favorite programs on when something really funny happens so, naturally I act like a glutenous pig with my,
“bwahahahahhaha WAAAAHAHAHAHAHHA” as chips fly out my mouth. As I’m done laughing I notice my gaze slowly turns to the STD buffet (the hot tub) outside and I start to wonder how much better this scenario would be with me sitting in the hot tub.

I’ve been looking longingly at the STD buffet lately.

I believe I have talked about how the neighbors hate this thing because it creates “ungodly noises” to which I can’t even hear (and my room is under the circulating pump). The neighbors have yelled, bitched, moaned, “threatened” to move, and now they are suing my roommate over the so-called noise this buffet makes.

I know I talked really badly about this hot tub in the past but after trying it a couple times, it’s actually kinda cool. I mean it overlooks the golf course and it has a waterfall feature. It also has cool colors that flash under the water. And...I like cool colors. In fact if one wants to make me happy all you have to do is show me something shiny with cool changing colors and I’ll be out of your hair all night.

I’ve been avoiding this hot tub in the past because I don’t want my roommate to know how cool I think it is. When she first purchased it she wanted to raise my rent $50 a month to which I nixed that idea good and fast. Also, if I was to use it, there’s the off chance that my roommate and BJ guy would decide to come and join me which would give me a Charlie Brown-eque frown on my face.

BUT now that they’re gone I have this wild and crazy idea that I would wheel my tv outside and watch something as I relax in the hot tub. Like I could throw in something retardedly funny like Super Troopers and just have a ball.

Boof in the hot tub

Officer Farva: I’ll take a liter of cola.

Boof watching the tv and splashing the water: BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA A LITER OF COLA!! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *splash, splash*

Then the neighbor comes out: Hey! Will you shut up?

Boof spilling his beer in the hot tub and setting his bag of Doritos on some floaty thing: Uh, I didn’t uh…say anything.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

A Day Late Crap

Listen to my wide eyed bundle.
Listen to them assail the night.
Lost again in their caves of wonder,
leaving us alone outside.

I didn’t have time the other night so I’m doing this today.

Crap List

1. Mortgage companies
So with my pursuit on home buying I’ve been planning on flirting with different mortgage companies looking for some decent rates. I talked to one company and they seemed very friendly, they helped me out with whatever questions I had, and while they were not quite believable, they seemed like they were on the right track.

I entered my info online for a pre-approval information and within minutes of submitting the info I get a call. The boss of the mortgage company I just submitted info on is calling me for whatever questions I had. We talked for a couple minutes and finally I just said,
“well, *sigh*” (which is my sign that I want to leave) and we ended the conversation.

Next day phone rings

Boof: Hello?
B: hello this is B from (mortgage company) I’m just calling to make sure that if you have any questions to please don’t be afraid to call.
Boof: gee, thanks. I’ll let you know.

Next day…the same thing

The 2nd day
Boof: *sigh* hello?
T: Hi Tom, this is B’s boss and I just wanted to see how things were going and if you have any questions to please let me or B know.
Boof: okaaay thanks.

Then I finally got pre approved and me and B are talking it over
B: have you picked a realtor yet?
Boof: nah I was in the process of interviewing some.
B: because we have an internal one we can refer you to. Would you like me to have him call you?
Boof: NO--er uh just send me the info and throw his business card inside.
B: Well, I could let him call you though.
Boof: no, don’t have him call me. Just give me his business card and I will call him.

Couple days later…

B calls me
T (B’s boss) calls me
And…the fucking internal realtor calls me.

This is why I fucking hate mortgage companies. They think they’re being customer friendly by “checking in on me” but I’m fucking annoyed by it. The worst part about this is if I don’t answer the phone, they leave these douchey messages about “if I have any questions….”

If my family decided to call me that much I would probably permanently turn my phone off. I love my family but please, for the last time I don’t know where the damn channel changer is!


2. The small roommate issues.

So Saturday my roommate (the single, 45 year old woman) was delighted to see BJ guy for the first time in a week. They laughed, they embraced, and then they started arguing. Arguing like someone was cheating on the other or something when it turns out that the upcoming vacation they’re going on seems to be more business related.

So they argue and argue until BJ guy finally leaves (Tangent: honestly I can’t believe he takes as much abuse as he does because my roommate doesn’t have a fuse. One little word said incorrectly will turn her into a complete mad crazy bitch). Now that BJ guy left my roommate is looking for more blood so she comes downstairs to see what I’m up to.

Good thing I wasn’t ‘waxing the carrot’ because she was going to talk/yell at me no matter what. Her main bug is why I wasn’t out and about this time on a Saturday night. It was about 8pm and I was planning on going to Hog’s place, I was still in my “I’ll go when I feel like going” mood. So the best she does (without getting too insulting because my lease is running out) is call me weird. I can take weird but I know she was looking for something more offensive because I didn’t react offended at all.

I think she just wanted me to leave so they could have some quality make-up sex…or a bj in the garage.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Worthless Bits

'Cause I'm drinking for the pleasure of falling
and I'm falling for the pleasure of pretending
that you're sitting by the window waiting
for me to come calling.

-As much as I hear people’s comments about the Twins in April, I almost wish the first month of games was not televised because you have so many people that jump to conclusions.

Bartlett should be sent down to AAA
Maybe they should lock up Ortiz
Castillo’s out and so are the Twins.

Ugh GOD DAMN… do they remember last year at all? Even a little bit? I remember arguing with folks about how the Twins were still in contention when they were ten games out in June.

Hang in there. The bullpen will shore itself, the piranhas will come back, and Lew Ford will find a way to lose games. Just settle the hell down.

-Twins are 16 for 16 in stolen bases. THAT, is an impressive stat.

-I hope ESPN interviews Frank Beamer about what his thoughts on the NBA playoffs are. It would just be an ESPN thing to do.

-The U of M had a bomb threat the other day and it was front page news. I remember back in high school when we had a couple and at SSU where we had a bomb threat every Tuesday for a whole month. I understand the need to announce this as news but it isn’t anything new. Bomb threats got to be so common that we’d get together at the fast food joint one town over because they would shut down Marshall.

Fucking kids.

-Now this guy is fascinated with old school bowlers who wear ties!? I guess that looks kinda cool. I actually debating on taking a day off to have a couple drinks with the guy and show off my Venezuela Santana jersey. It’s not old school but Hog said he’d make love to it.

-Just when I thought it would be fun to sponsor Boof’s page at Some guy named Jeff beat me to it. Dammit. I could go with Luis Rodriguez though.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

So Stupid

One night thunder cracked. Mercy backed outside her windowsill.
Dreamed I was flying high above the trees over the hills.
Looked down into the house of Mary.

One of the most interesting aspects of tragedies like in Virginia is how the media acts. On Monday, as the early reports were coming in, I was thinking about how Don Imus must be resting a bit easier knowing that whatever media camp in his front lawn has now headed towards Virginia.

Also in situations like these, the media will basically show nothing short of anal sex in a drastic attempt to grab ratings. I must admit that so far there hasn’t been anything that whore-ish but I have noticed one network trying oh so hard in getting the angle they want.

ESPN is the network and their angle is to worry about the Virginia Tech football team. In fact right now on their front page they have Frank Beamer’s (the VT football coach) opinions on the shootings. I also heard a radio station announce that Virginia Tech football practice had been cancelled due to the shootings…and I’m hearing this in, not North Carolina, or West Virginia, but Minnesota--the land where football isn’t king.


No fucking way. I don’t know about all three of you that read this but the biggest question I’ve had is how this affects Hokie football.

Why does anyone care what Frank Beamer thinks? Why is he interviewed? How does this fit into anything? If something should happen at Ohio State are they going to interview Jim Tressel because way too many people associated OSU with just football? I’m sure they open a book or two there.

Here is a story where someone shot three dozen students and because it’s considered a “football school” we have to hear what the head football coach says and thinks because people invest their life into him. He might as well hold mass on Sunday mornings if he has that much pull.

If something should happens in Michigan I would hope to god that MTV doesn’t suddenly interview Madonna to see what her views on the situation are.

The sad thing about that is there is probably a half million people that were more worried about some hot shot football recruit being a victim instead of someone’s kid. These are the same people that live and die on Saturday mornings because of a football game. Thank god I got to hear Frank Beamer’s view on things because I’ve been dying to hear what he thinks about everything.

Good god.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Radio Memories

I tripped on a cloud and fell eight miles high
I tore my mind on a jagged sky
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in

Error: I have to report an error from yesterday’s entry. I thought the girl was unaware she was pregnant due to her fatness. Apparently she was aware of her pregnancy and she was just trying to hide it from everyone.

I was talking to a couple people about radio and it gave me a showering of memories from my stint in Marshall radio.

-I remember when I played Comfortably Numb (in cue: only so I could hear it and not over the air) and I would kinda do the deaf singing stuff where only the hums and the S’s come out…with my mic still on.

-I remember when this other hot shit DJ left his mic on and he was going about his story that went something like this,

“So then I tells this crazy stupid fuckin fucker, ‘hey, get your asshole off of my fucking assface.’ and he just took a shit on his fuckin head.”
(then the secretary starts banging on the glass to tell the guy that he’s on the air)
“What the fuck does Suzie want? She’s fuckin PMS’ing or something. Bwahahaha what a bitch. Uh are we on the air?”
(secretary nods as pissed off as one can nod)

-This one time I came in to do my 5-9 shift and I saw this note. Usually little notes are left for announcing porpuses like a lost child, information needed, something got cancelled, stuff like that. This note had written,
“LOST COIN PURSE: found on the corner of Main and 5th”

I says, “haha that’s just stupid”
And the guy that I was taking over for was looking at me and said, “you know, you have to announce that. We’ve been doing so all day”
“No way, who the hell cares about a coin purse?”
“People care.”

-It was also a good moment when I went on the air and told all the Marshall listeners that the morning show sucks on the air. I was being a guest doing impersonation (I did some good ones) and someone wanted me to do a morning show bit. No one on that morning show had a distinct voice so I told the caller,
“nah we don’t do the morning show because that sucks.”

-Then there was the time my boss berated me on the air. He was doing a remote from some brand new car wash or sewing barn and I was supposed to introduce him being at…wherever he was. I didn’t have the proper info in front of me so I said,
“and here’s Brad live from…where are you Brad?” and he paused and said,
“The damn note card is right in front of you Tom. Just read it.”

I didn’t have this note card and I just let him have a dose of dead air because I already knew that radio wasn’t my calling and I couldn’t give a damn if he was to fire me. What--and lose out on $6 an hour? Pfff.

-Then there was the time Chad Kolander came in. Chad Kolander was the Gopher center from ‘91-94 and he sucked ass. I couldn’t stand seeing Kolander out there because he was the only one that could air ball a shot from two feet away. I saw his 6’10 self standing at the desk (because he was dating a sales lady) and I had to introduce myself. I wanted to tell him how much he sucked but I told him that he played a grand version of basketball.

-The radio station was a great place to take a dump. I remember running across campus and to the radio station just so I could leave my mark there instead of at school where a bunch of hotties could shun me away.

The radio station bathroom was a fall-out dumpsite for a lot of the on-air talent.

That’s all I can remember right now.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Soon Forget Crap

Sorry is the fool who trades his soul for a corvette.
Thinks he'll get the girl he'll only get the mechanic.
What's missing? He's living a day he'll soon forget

Crap List

1. This story
Because this happened in my neck of the woods I feel I need to say a couple things about this story--this very screwed up story. I mean I probably met the girl since she works at the grocery store that I peruse all the time.

Lets start with this,
Society officially has a huge weight problem when people are having kids and they are clueless about it. How na├»ve/clueless/overweight can one be? I mean that poking in your stomach is not the white castles from last night! Also if you’re finding yourself wearing adult diapers for two days, you know something might not be right.

If I had to suddenly start walking down the diaper aisle at the grocery store, I would probably have the idea that maybe, just maybe, there might be something worth taking my ass into the doctor for.

Then you have to imagine someone giving birth when they had never been clued into being preggers before. I mean someone heads into the bathroom for a couple hours, screams and shouts from within, and then she comes out with a baby. Suddenly movie night is over.
Good god.

THEN, imagine being on the receiving end of this conversation

New mother: So I had a pretty interesting evening last night
Boof: wow, you look thinner for some reason.
NM: yeah, I gave birth on my laundry room floor last night.
Boof: oh…uh…did you see the Twins last night? They won.
NM: nah it wasn’t twins, it was a girl actually. So I’m laying down with her…
Boof: Cuddy went 4-5
NM: and I saw her finger move
Nm: So I then I got freaked out and took my knife
NM: and after about twenty minutes of that I then…
NM: ….and then I threw it in the dumpster.

2. The getting over part
I’m pretty sure she doesn’t read this but there’s a bit mental anguish in trying to get over someone. For the most part I’m fine and I can easily move on with going about things like I would always. In fact I can do that all the time. It’s when that certain song plays, or when that certain subject of conversation, or anything that sparks up memories of before is when it starts to eat away at me.

You think you miss them but is that really true? See, I don’t think so because “they” are a completely different person than what you knew. It’s the honeymoon/everyone is drunk on love period that you miss. You don’t miss the times when she wasn’t giving you enough or when the calls are not returned. Or it could’ve been the total lack of respect that when something was wrong it wasn’t that she didn’t feel right, it’s because her conscience couldn’t stand the thought of being with one guy and thinking about another.

Still you feel like you should contact her just so you can hear her voice and hope that she’s in the same situation that you’re in. That maybe she was possessed and now that Whoopi Goldberg is out of her body, she can think rationally now.

But, like I said, I don’t miss the headaches and questions. I don’t miss the baggage and wondering. It is refreshing being single just reading that but it’s those few moments that are tough.

Eh, it’s nothing a little meth can’t handle I guess… kidding, kidding.

Friday, April 13, 2007

The New Ballpark, Behold

And she says, you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

The artist renditions came out for the new Twins ballpark were released today.

My first reaction: hmmm cool

It isn’t anything eye popping nor is there anything that I see and go “ugh…good god!” because if anyone had a radar for anything terrible, it would be me. As one who’s studied and loves ballparks I would be the first to light my torch and wait outside the architect’s house if, say, the new ballpark didn’t have open concourses.


Because I probably would. *cringes at the thought of closed concourses*

Here’s the link to the renditions and follow along as I critique this here ballpark.

General overview: There’s nothing real unique about this ballpark. I don’t mean that as a negative but in this day and age you see parks with stupid things like swimming pools, elevated warning tracks, flag poles in play, and ginourmous gloves in left field. All of which is fine but it almost seems like it’s trying way too hard. This ballpark takes advantage of the skyline and protects most of the fans from the elements (sun, SE winds, and rain). It’s respectable and something to be proud of in my opinion.

Things I go “meh” at.

-in centerfield there’s a restaurant or group seating. It reminds me of a 50’s style observation deck and it seams to me they could’ve styled it in another way.

-The lights attached to a soffit like structure that surrounds the foul territory. It bothers me for some reason and it reminds me of Dodger Stadium with how it looks. Looking at it from above, it kind of resembles the dome (maybe that’s supposed to look like that?) Overall I do think I’m being nitpicky about this.

-The pine trees that line the batter’s sightlines in straightaway center seems very Coors like. I suppose it’s better than a green/black wall but I just really, really wanted a red maple in there somewhere. Maybe they could throw a maple behind two of the pine trees on the side. I suppose there is hope for red maples and oaks lining the plaza outside or surrounding the streets though.

-The limestone block outside the ballpark seems to be too “uniform”. I wish/hope the limestone is more rough to resemble the limestone cliffs alongside the Mississippi River

And that’s about it for the stuff I kinda frown at.

-I’m wondering why they don’t have lights in right field. All the drawings never show any sort of lights there.

On to the stuff I really like.

-The angle of the lower deck looks to be about 30 degrees compared to the metrodome’s 45 degree lower (and upper) deck.

-I was ecstatic to see all the outfield seating. The early renderings didn’t show that much outfield seating and I was hoping that would change. It looks like the left field seats (resembling bits of Met stadium and the dome) are going to be the cheap seats--cheap seats with a wonderful view of the Minneapolis skyline.

-I nearly stood up and pumped my fist when I saw they had standing room overlooking the field in right field. I love standing room because there’s nothing better than leaning against the fence and looking down at the field while eating a dog. It’s also makes for good bs’ing with other people as it gives the feel like you’re standing in someone’s backyard and paying attention to the game at the same time. Also the skyline is behind you and I can only imagine the perfect first dates because of how awesome that area is.

It’s open, it’s great lounging, and it automatically equals good times.

-I’m also a big fan of the big walkout from the main concourse (7th street entry view picture). I think this is going to be a lovely sight as well. This is also right next to that bitchin’ standing room area.

-I love how it features “green building” techniques and materials. It’s supposed to be MLB’s most environmentally friendly, sustainable, and energy efficient ballparks around. They plan on using limestone from a Mankato quarry and using local construction companies. I didn’t think green building would be necessarily involved but I’m really excited that they’re using these principles. Also the light rail will be extended to behind left field so a bunch of people can easily avoid traffic and high parking cost by using public transportation.

- I heard through the grapevine that they are thinking about adding a water feature to the outfield area. I think this would be a great add.

-The concourses (I know, I can’t get enough of concourses) will be 40’ wide. Metrodome’s concourse are about half that right now. Therefore that guy that just stops suddenly in the middle of all those people can easily be dodged.

-There doesn’t seem to be any resemblance to a giant jug of milk anywhere.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Bits II

I changed my number maybe
You better change your mind
Cause I'd rather spend the night alone

-It’s been about a week of Twins baseball and so far…actually so far I don’t really have an opinion. It seems foolish to really start worrying or getting pumped up for anything other than Santana starts. If last year proved anything it’s that April doesn’t matter as long as any team doesn’t go 0-27. I mean I remember it being June and the Twins seems hopelessly out of any kind of playoff consideration.

Santana looked AWESOME on Sunday. I never thought he’d pitch past the 5th inning after the hard time he had in the 1st and 2nd.

Ortiz…daaaamn Ramon Ortiz has shown some results in the first couple starts of the year. Last night was really impressive.

-These umps really need to get a realistic view of the strike zone. I mean the cantaloupe sized strike zone is just ridiculous.

-I’ve been amazed at the Anaheim/ Cleveland series being played in Milwaukee. I’ve been watching on and there’s usually about 20k fans in attendance but they don’t really do anything. Usually after a pop fly out there will be some fans who clap at the effort. There’s none of that hear. In fact it’s as if all 20k fans are just there for simply something to do.

I did hear one fan who was into thing and he just wouldn’t shut up. Finally I hear this,


-The new ballpark will be unveiled today and I’m debating on seeing it. Either way I’m sure there will be plenty of pictures and more than enough items to critique and imagine so tomorrow I plan on having my thoughts on the new ballpark.

-NFL schedule was released yesterday… yaaaaaaaaaaaay (yawn)

-NBA is actually still playing. I forgot all about the NBA. Huh, wadduya know?

-Curling has been really fun. The last team we played were nothing more than a bunch of punk ass high schoolers. They had terrible form as they slide the rock down the ice but the rock would always be perfectly placed. My team had perfect form, graceful even, but we just couldn’t do anything.

Punk ass highschoolers 8
team graceful 0

-I need some recommendations for some alternative country female singers. I just don’t have my fill with Neko Case, Patty Griffin, and Kathleen Edwards. I need more!

-I was leaving work the other day when one of my dad’s longtime buddies stopped me in the hallway. He asked if I knew any good stories of my dad and of course I didn’t have anything that he hasn’t heard already. So then he asks me if I want to hear any.

I said sure but I immediately regretted that decision because perhaps my dad has been hiding these stories from me for a reason. Well, the guy told me about the night before the wedding. Not a story a kid wants to hear.

Needless to say I left and I didn’t feel the need to have any lunch.

-Don Imus looks like a crabby old lady. I can't find a recent picture but he really does look like mother winter or something like that.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Demo Ideas for the Dome

You woke up this morning the world turned upside down,
Thing's ain't been the same since the Blues walked into town.

Looks around nervously

Okay I think that new ballpark is finally going to happen. I’m going to err on the side of caution but I think this news means we can rejoice and finally look forward to three years of live webcams of bulldozers and low boys pushing dirt around.

With that being I’ve come up with some cheap ideas in demolishing the metrodome in 2010 when it’s not needed anymore.

1. Get all the baseball/football fans to collectively destroy it.

Here’s what you do,
-buy about 10,000 sledge hammers
-have Bud or Miller or some other cheap ass crappy beer sponsor the demo party and bring a truck out into the parking lot
-have everyone sign a waiver because that many people with sledge hammers drinking beer will probably get someone hurt.

Basically this is the same line of thinking as buying a case of beer and bringing over a couple buddies to roof your house on a Saturday afternoon. Just that with this a couple=about 10,000.

There may be chaos and a riot may break out but I think it would be a good time.

2. Woodstock 4
The last Woodstock was mainly “I hate my suburbanite parents so I gotta break things because Limp Bizkit tells me too” fest. I think this can happen again and what better place than the metrodome where it needs to be leveled anyhow.

Basically bring back all those bands and build a fence of rebar separating the acts from the highly unstable teens in the audience. Maybe even for good measure have a “Rosie O’Donnell” band there to highten the rage to eleven.

Then the kids would be ripping out seats, destroying everything and maybe it could work out in the end. I think there could be two huge dumpsters drug out in the back of the crowd. One dumpster could have a sign that says “no garbage here” and the other says, “don’t throw away chairs here” and the kids will naturally defy the signs and throw all the chairs there which would work out perfectly.

Of course waivers would be an order as well.

3. Fireworks
Basically buy all the irregular fireworks left over in China and stick them all in the dome. Make one long wick that extends to the parking lot and have a wick lighting ceremony. After watching Max Ex with all those fireworks factories going burning to the ground, I think this could be an entertaining way of demoing the dome. It might not necessarily demo the place but it sure would be fun as hell watching all those fireworks going crazy in the dome.
It couldn’t hurt.

4. White Castle bar crowd.
Round up all the people who were at White Castle at 3am the night before and have them hang out in the dome the next day. Maybe throw in some cattle and fill that dome up with methane.

Drop a match in the place and…done.

5. Find someone really, really made
Get some down on his luck 40 year old man who’s kids just completely suck at school and in life. The guy is constantly at critical meltdown and I’m sure just using his energy alone could bring the dome down in a good half hour.
Maybe have someone place a phone call to this guy and say, “yeah Mr. so and so, you’re daughter is now pregnant” and that should just about do it for the dome.

Those are my ideas. I’ll probably come up with something better in the next three years though.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Twins Bloggers: In the Flesh

Driving home I see those flooded fields
How can people not know what beauty this is
I've taken it for granted my whole life
Since the day I was born

Any given weekend at my parents place watching the Twins

Luis Castillo’s leading off the game

Dad: I think a home run would be really good right about now
Boof rolls his eyes
Castillo works his way to a walk
Dad: Well, I would’ve really liked to see a home run.
Boof: (sigh) Dad, he’s the leadoff hitter, he’s supposed to just get on base. Plus, he’s not a home run hitter
Dad: oh

Punto comes up
Dad: I think a home run would really be good right about now
Boof: ugh Dad, Punto doesn’t hit homers either.
Dad: yeah but I really think…
Boof: BAH! SHUT UP!!

Silence until Mauer comes up
Boof: Alright here we go. Come on Joe.
Dad: It would really be nice if he could…
Boof turns his head around agitated: Dad, I can’t believe you don’t shut up.

Mom yells from the other room: Did Scott Erickson hit a home run?

This is what it’s like watching a baseball game with annoying people who don’t really watch baseball. You just wish they would be willing to learn about the game or, better yet, ask questions as to why stuff happens.

But when you get a bunch of Twins bloggers together watching the Twins, it’s like a breath of fresh air. Everyone knows baseball, Bill James, who Boof is, and they even create their own stats.

Last Saturday a bunch of whos who of Twins bloggers hung out in Crystal to chat it up and talk baseball. I met some really cool people like Everyday Super Goddess, Howard Sinker, Trevor, Aaron Gleeman, Twins Geek, stick and ball guy, Will Young, and tons of other people.

It was a bit intimidating for me a little bit because I didn’t want to sound like my dad to these hardcore Twins bloggers. I mean Hunter takes the first pitch and the entire Twins blog posse simultaneously went “woah!” I tried really hard not to be shunned by running my mouth too much because after all, I don’t have a “Twins blog” per se but I do try to write about the Twins and I’ve even named it after a A level minor league pitcher back in 2004 (who happens to be the #2 starter right now).
So I tried really hard not be stupid.

Here’s some tidbits that I learned though

-Everydaysupergoddess was in the movie Major League. She probably was that red blur when the catcher comes up to the mound to talk to the pitcher.

-Stick and Ball guy’s grandparents lived 10 miles away from Jon Olerud’s grandparents…I think.

-Aaron Gleeman doesn’t have much moved in his new place yet. Sounds like just a tv and some furniture. (that’s all you really need)

-Will Young is a guy any male baseball fan could be proud of. After having a good conversation with him, I found out that his girlfriend can name 23 of the 25 Twins on the current roster. My jaw absolutely dropped. Then he announces that she bought a Morneau jersey a couple years ago when he wasn’t even popular. All this with his gf not even caring about baseball when he met her.

-Howard Sinker covered the Twins from 1984-87 (?) and when I heard this I had a plethora of questions coming to mind but all that would’ve come out would be,
“Hey uh remember when uh…when uh Hrbek got that home run and it went over the wall in right field? That was awesome!”
“Hey uh, did you ever go to…uh Tiger’s stadium? I bet that was cool.”

Because I really would’ve sounded like an idiot. I mean I didn’t really follow the Twins until about ‘90.

-Twins Geek got us free issues of Gameday which is the best *the absolute best* program one could find for any sporting event. It’s only a $1.50 outside of the dome. Plus he’s the reason why I got to see Wrigley field back in ‘03. Plus, plus: he’s the reason why I had about 20 people yelling out “TWINS GEEK TOM!” when I was running the marathon back in ‘03.

-My claim to fame was how I ate 5 triple cheeseburgers in one sitting. It was the most amount of food I ever ate.

I never got a chance to say that juicy tidbit but I was ready to bust it out at any given moment.

Despite the get together being way the hell out in Crystal (Crystal?), it was well worth the drive and I can’t wait to catch up with everyone again.

Monday, April 09, 2007

We Have Crap

But I won't let it change me, not if I can
I'd rather believe in love
and give it away as much as I can
To those that I am fondest of

Crap List

1. Begging for tickets outside of a sold out concert.
Neko Case was in town last Saturday and due to my ignorance, I never decided to buy tickets until the day of. Now one trick that I’ve just started trying is buying tickets outside of the venue just before the show starts. The rule is if you want to get into a venue, you can if you’re patient enough. After all, once the first pitch, kickoff, tipoff, opening act starts the scalpers pretty much will do anything to get a couple bucks for their quickly outdated tickets. Hey, the trick worked last week for Patty Griffin so why not try it here at Neko Case?

So if you happened to be waiting in line for Neko Case on Saturday and there was this sorry son of a bitch bothering everyone for one ticket, I was that sorry son of a bitch.

I arrived at 6:45--15 minutes before the doors opened--and the line was already forming. Apparently for every show at first ave. they hold 50 tickets just to sell when the doors opened. I didn’t know this so I didn’t get in line thinking, ‘what for?’.
I waited, paced, yelled out “I need a ticket!” for an hour with about a dozen other sorry son of a bitches. Now when you come across people stepping up to the curb and ask them for a ticket, they look at you like,
“wow, sucks to be you man!” and you can’t help but feel like you’re one of those “Vietnam vets” waiting at the exit of a busy intersection begging for something. Except that instead of wanting a hand out, you’re actually wanting a fair and just transaction.

I finally got into the venue ten minutes before the warmup and I must say, it was well worth the trouble! Neko Case is unbelievable live.

2. Flight Plan
I mentioned at sometime last week how I’ve ran into a good streak of movies and I was hoping it would continue with Flight Plan. Well, that streak went like a left handed hitter against Santana (wooooaaah hoho!).

So I’m imagining a guy with an idea for a movie pitching it to a conference room full of big wigs.

Guy 1: Okay guys, prepare to be dazzled with the 2005 box office smash.

Room is full of suits who are now warmed up and donning smiles

Guy 1: Alright imagine a big ass plane and our lead female character. Now the plane takes off and the lead loses her daughter.

3 minute pause

Suit 1: Okay, then what?
Guy 1: what?
Suit 1: What else? Is there any subplots?
Guy 1: Well this woman just goes crazy over finding her kid and just turns into this super ultra crazy bitch!
Suit 1: excellent! I think we have a movie!

This super ultra crazy woman was Jodie Foster and I just love how this movie ends. Foster scares the crap out of 400 passengers during the flight, finds her way inside the control panel and starts ripping out stuff, and even escapes into the storage area and blows up the front of the plane and in the end she gets her kid back and everything is okay.

Good god. Not even an attractive woman in the whole damn movie. They could've at least threw in some subplot involving Carla Gugino having some sort of a lingere shoot from the cockpit and a torture scene featuring Osama on the chair inside a plane in flight.
Nah, none of that, just one crazy bitch on a mission.


Friday, April 06, 2007

Goodbye baby

And I who went to sleep in tears
Woke up in tears, for all of the years
And I who never, never said goodbye
As I slipped away

(WARNING: This is one of those therapeutic entries that is meant entirely for me. Therefore if something looks completely stupid or weird, just bare with me or skip it and come back on Monday.)

I’ve decided to let go of A. A was a very attractive, smart, and caring person but in the end it just wasn’t going to work out and I believe we both knew it. The weird thing is that I’m not bitter and I have no ill will towards this person at all. It’s like a unspoken understanding that we both need to move on.

The last month or so A moved back home (an hour away) and she was not keen on trying a long distance thing. Before she moved back we had a mutual agreement that we’d keep trying and if things didn’t work out, we’d let the other person know. It didn’t exactly happen like that but so what.

I tried really hard to be outgoing and thoughtful. I did the stupid things that people do when they try to hold on to something that just isn’t there anymore. When I think back now she clearly wasn’t interested in things but she didn’t want to hurt my feelings or face the fear of shutting a door. I suppose the random phone call every 4 days was a good sign but I think the unanswered phone calls and text messages should’ve made it crystal clear.

Last time I saw her was last week when I decided to surprise her at lunchtime. I planned it all out the night before and grabbed her favorite food that she wasn’t able to have in her hometown. I even skipped my daily activities just to surprise her at work. I walked in her place of employment at lunchtime and she seemed genuinely surprised that I came there. I was really fretting about this “surprise” since she had clearly been distancing me and hadn’t really opened herself to her home life. I didn’t notice any notions that that was a bad idea but apparently it was.

After a week I hadn’t heard from her and the phone calls that I once relied on have disappeared. I figured that going out of my way just to see her for an hour could be about as good of a thing as I could do and the lack of communication from her is a clear sign that she isn’t happy. She could call back I suppose but I think, regardless of how she feels, that we’re done.

I would rather be single than to worry and think about her anymore. I can do without the headaches and mental anguish that she had been causing me the past 6 weeks. I’m done with trying and I just can’t say it’s worth it to continue. It’s weird because after I made that surprise visit, I felt that gesture was about as good as I could do for her.

Whatever the reason she has for not wanting to talk to me doesn’t matter now and I really don’t care. She’s a great person and I honestly wish the best for her. It just didn’t work out.

We definitely had some great times and some fantastic dates. For all the reasons why one should walk away it’s those great times that tell you to hold on. The fact of the matter is that those times are gone and it was almost as if two different people were living in those great times. After a bit of experience I’ve learned that holding on will only get you so far and those days are gone but not forgotten.

It’s weird letting go because it’s like everything that she learned from you, you want to take it back. A past relationship I had we went to a Twins game and she wasn’t a baseball fan at all. We attended the game, I held her hand and showed her the “hows” and “whys” , and she was hooked. It was after we dated was when I wanted to take that moment back along with her newly found love of baseball and I almost regretted showing her that.

I’ve got no regret now but it’s just a bit sad letting go and I think that it’s just understood that things just didn’t work out. The headaches are gone and I'm finally in a good state of mind that I've been missing for a while now.

A, I don’t know if you read this or not but I genuinely wish you the best and I have no ill will towards you at all. I understand whatever reason you have and whatever that reason is, it really doesn’t matter. I thank you for the good times and wish you the best in the future.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

juicy bits

As the headline says you're free to choose
There's egg on your face and mud on your shoes
One of these days they're gonna call it the blues

-With opening day happening a couple days ago I can’t help but to be glued onto uniwatch who keeps tabs on all the different uniform malfunctions. It’s generally really informative and it highlights all the quirky things that everyone things off when a uniform just isn’t right. For instance the Twins black band on their right sleeve is in honor of Herb Carneal. The Yankees have a similar band for the deal of Corey Lidle.

What I don’t get about uniwatch is this guys weird love of socks and stirrups. It’s clearly seems to be a weird fetish of his and he points out every hitter that has correctly proportioned stirrups.

-I’ve also received word that the giant Jug of Milk in right field is NO LONGER THERE!!!!!
Rejoice! Rejoice for someone finally got the notion that a giant milk carton looks really stupid out there.

-I also noticed that the baggy has a cool sawed off bat for an adtertisement. Quite the change from a Ram’s grill or a side view of a truck.

-I find it kinda funny that the Twins game recap for last nights game include the weight of Joe Nathan’s newborn daughter. Nathan had to come to the game really late and was even given a fancy police escort from the hospital if the Twins needed his services. As it turns out they didn’t but I still think it’s kinda cool.

-I have found out that baseball saves. Last week I was a bit in the dumps, I had trouble sleeping at night and things just weren’t going well. As it turns out, all I needed was baseball (and the premium package….a god sent), and I guess a 3 game winning streak by my favorite team doesn’t hurt but now I’m feeling kinda fuckin good.

-I watched Idiocracy last night and it’s about how all the dumb people reproduce making the world completely stupid in the future. It’s pretty funny but also a bit scary if that is even somewhat true because if Kfed keeps procreating as he is, he’ll have his own state.

-This is one of the funniest bits of commentary I’ve ever seen. This guy makes burping an art.

-There's going to be a bunch of Twins fans at the Crystal Buffalo Wild Wings on Saturday for the Twins game so if anyone is interested, let me know and we'll hang out and eat wings...and be merry.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

A Free Lunch?

In violent times
You shouldn't have to sell your soul
In black and white
They really really ought to know

So yesterday was the big lunch that the office ladies begged me to come to. I figured that since they begged me and since it should be well understood that I work nights that there was something else to the lunch.

Well there was no certificate, no announcement that I’m going on days, no gold medal, no drawing for Twins tickets, no solid gold house, and no fucking rocket car. All it was was mediocre burritos and a can of pop.


So I said my hellos and grabbed my burrito when I had a conversation with one of the office ladies,

N: Hey Tom it’s so nice to see you!
T: yeah this isn’t too bad
N: Maybe you could come to these more often.
T: Well, maybe next month we could have this at 6pm
N: haha hey everyone, would you like to come in at 6pm?

And everyone just kinda groaned and weren’t terribly receptive to that thought. I think I made my point but I don’t know if the office ladies got it.

As I was leaving another office lady asked me,
M: So are you going to hang out here for a couple hours for your shift to start?

(blink:blink) So apparently they knew that this lunch was eating up what I had left of my free time and they even knew that I might be living a half hour away (in which case I would be furious) but they still didn’t get it.

WHY WOULD I STAY HERE AT WORK AND KILL A COUPLE HOURS BECAUSE OF A FREE LUNCH? Why would I (potentially) drive out of my way for a free lunch? My coworkers even came up to me and asked if this was cutting into my Tuesday. I just kinda nodded and said that I was begged to show up.

It was a nice gesture, not many companies give out free food but it’s a bit too inconvenient to me.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Tuesday Crap

Ever since I've know you you've walked that walk
You've broken all the records
Now you've broken all the clocks
And everytime it breaks my heart to hear you talk this way

Because I didn’t have a crap list yesterday I thought I’d do a special Tuesday edition of the Crap List.

Crap List

1. Stupid attempts at being cute
This is mostly directed at the final farewell sayings that some people have. With Herb Carneal dying it seems a bit natural to state one’s peace and say some heartfelt tidbits like,
“He’s in a better place” or
“At least he’s without pain now”
“It’s all for the best” all of which I have no problems with. Those are all short and sweet examples but sometimes people go a bit overboard.

“Now Kirby Puckett has someone doing the play-by-play with Bob Casey announcing up there in heaven.

Stuff like that, though, makes me want to puke. It’s just so uncreative and completely stupid to think that people actually do the same thing in the afterlife as to what they did during their real life.

I mean what the hell? When my dad passes I hope to god that no one says,
“We’ll I’m sure the angels need someone to wire their refrigerator and their basement when your dad gets up there.” Because I would probably take the turkey off the finger food tray and stuff it in their mouth so they would never ever say something so incredibly stupid ever again.

I suppose I should ignore such a comment but it’s about the lamest, stupidest attempt at being cute. Imagine Craig who was a sewer inspector. I suppose when he passes someone should say,
“We’ll I’m sure St. Peter needs someone to inspect his heavenly sewer up there in heaven.”

2. What might end up being a useless lunch.

Last week I got an email from the head office lady at my place of employment,

Lady: Tom, we’re having lunch next Tuesday. Please come because we haven’t seen you in a LOOOOOONG time.

See, my company has these catered lunches once a month and I always skip these because,
A) I’m not much of a lunch person
B) I’d have to go in to work way before I usually come in and I see way too much of work as it is.
C) I’m not getting paid to come in for lunch.

After all, I’m sure they wouldn’t want to come here for 6pm supper because…yeah that would be inconvenient.

So I told this lady all my reasons for not showing up and that I would show up this Tuesday to eat Mexican food with my coworkers. My head coworker then sent an email to my department announcing this lunch and also stating “…with a special appearance from Tom!”

I didn’t know exactly how to take it but why exactly was everyone trying to get me to go to lunch? I always felt there was the understanding that I work nights and lunch just is not going to happen but they insisted and nearly begged me to come for this lunch.

I have come to the conclusion that they’re going to give me something. They have to because if I don’t then I’m going to be soooooooooooo pissed that I came for fucking burritos on my off time with nothing to show for it.
I wouldn’t think they would do that because…what the fuck? But we’ll see. We’ll see.

Monday, April 02, 2007

RIP: Herb Carneal (Voice of the Twins)

Every popular radio play-by-play personality has a catch phrase. There’s “How about that” by Mel Allen, “Holy cow!” by Harry Carry, and “Bye bye baby” by Russ Hodges. It was about a week ago when I found out that Herb Carneal (voice of the Twins) was unable to call the home opener when I started to wonder what his catch phrase was. Carneal had been the voice of the Twins since 1962. He was there with Halsey Hall, he was there in ‘65, he was also there in ‘87, and ‘91. Herb Carneal has seen it all.

I started to think about it more and I just couldn’t figure it out. Someone with that kind of a voice, who has been doing play-by-play that long, who was even inducted into the baseball hall of fame has to have a catch phrase.

I started to remember my earliest memories of listening to the Twins just to see if I could stumble upon it.

When I was a little kid my parents would make me go to bed at 8pm because me and my brother were very hyper kids. I can’t begin to tell you all the times my parents could open the door to check up on me when they’d see me hiding underneath my blanket with one little wire extending from the bottom of the blanket to my alarm clock radio. I would lay there listening to Herb Carneal and the Twins and suddenly I wasn’t trapped in my room, I was actually there in the Metrodome watching the game.
All you had to do was close your eyes.

Then there’s all those times when I was coming back from camp or my grandparents on a Sunday afternoon and I would ask my dad to turn it to the Twins. He’d let me fumble around with the tuning knob and carefully and slowly I would look for that soft baritone voice with the gentile rumbling in the background. A little static and another careful turn and suddenly there it is, the familiar pitcher’s count and “the windup, and the pitch”. My bro and I would then stop fighting and finally my dad had a little peace on the ride home.

Herb Carneal wasn’t just the voice of the Twins, he was therapy. There’s something about that voice that would be so gentile, so unique that it was a voice you could always count on. Even in his later years if you had a bad day of work or things just weren’t right in your life you could always find the Twins game on somewhere and it would help.

I myself honestly believe I’ve listened to Herb way more than I’ve ever listened to my parents or any one teacher. I might be able to listen to my parents for a good half hour but beyond that the outlook wasn’t good. After all I could (and would) actually put on some headphones and listen to a game for the entire three hours or however long it took. I don’t know who else I could stand for 3 straight hours. I especially loved the west coast trips when my parents would ease up on the bedroom checks and I could listen and imagine the game in the dark well past midnight.

When I think about things even more, Herb Carneal was with me for nearly every job I’ve ever had. He was definitely there at the yacht club, at the newspaper company, and he’s been a familiar voice at my current job even if he only talked for 3 innings. I remember working at the liquor store I would take the store microphone, tape the mic-on button so it was always on, and I would aim it for the radio so instead of Musak we’d have the Twins game on the speakers over the entire store. I would insist on this and my boss wouldn’t object one bit.

Herb was there when you need to clean the garage, when you need to mow or rake the lawn. He was even there during the picnic, the summer day at the beach, and at the drive-in before the movie starts. He’s that soothing sound as you’re driving to your date’s house. He’s even there in a lot of people’s daydreams. For instance, a popular scenario would be up north on a late afternoon. The sun is an hour away from setting and your sitting at the end of the dock amongst of a very still and quiet lake and as you cast your line, Herb would be talking about another Johan Santana strike out. Exactly how many fishing trips do you think Herb Carneal has been apart of?

There was also nothing better than listening to a really important game out in public. It’ll be late in the game and Carneal is calling the game. One person listens and soon other people are coming around to catch the last pitch of the last out. Things could be so nerve racking that us fans would be biting our nails and pacing around but Herb was still his calm, dignified self. Strike three and Herb would allow the listeners to exhale and relax. There was rarely anything better when he’d raise his voice just a little bit and tell us that everything was alright.

The loss of Herb Carneal is really sad and I feel so blessed that he was the voice of so many great memories I’ve had. Still trying to remember the catch phrase, it had to be something so subtle, so simple that it’s ingrained in my memory and I can’t single it out.
As I struggle to remember his catch phrase I can’t help to think that a painting is nothing without the painter, a song isn’t anything without the lyrics, and Twins baseball is hard to imagine without Herb Carneal.

That’s when it dawns on me, how could I forget,

“Hi everybody”