And I who went to sleep in tears
Woke up in tears, for all of the years
And I who never, never said goodbye
As I slipped away
(WARNING: This is one of those therapeutic entries that is meant entirely for me. Therefore if something looks completely stupid or weird, just bare with me or skip it and come back on Monday.)
I’ve decided to let go of A. A was a very attractive, smart, and caring person but in the end it just wasn’t going to work out and I believe we both knew it. The weird thing is that I’m not bitter and I have no ill will towards this person at all. It’s like a unspoken understanding that we both need to move on.
The last month or so A moved back home (an hour away) and she was not keen on trying a long distance thing. Before she moved back we had a mutual agreement that we’d keep trying and if things didn’t work out, we’d let the other person know. It didn’t exactly happen like that but so what.
I tried really hard to be outgoing and thoughtful. I did the stupid things that people do when they try to hold on to something that just isn’t there anymore. When I think back now she clearly wasn’t interested in things but she didn’t want to hurt my feelings or face the fear of shutting a door. I suppose the random phone call every 4 days was a good sign but I think the unanswered phone calls and text messages should’ve made it crystal clear.
Last time I saw her was last week when I decided to surprise her at lunchtime. I planned it all out the night before and grabbed her favorite food that she wasn’t able to have in her hometown. I even skipped my daily activities just to surprise her at work. I walked in her place of employment at lunchtime and she seemed genuinely surprised that I came there. I was really fretting about this “surprise” since she had clearly been distancing me and hadn’t really opened herself to her home life. I didn’t notice any notions that that was a bad idea but apparently it was.
After a week I hadn’t heard from her and the phone calls that I once relied on have disappeared. I figured that going out of my way just to see her for an hour could be about as good of a thing as I could do and the lack of communication from her is a clear sign that she isn’t happy. She could call back I suppose but I think, regardless of how she feels, that we’re done.
I would rather be single than to worry and think about her anymore. I can do without the headaches and mental anguish that she had been causing me the past 6 weeks. I’m done with trying and I just can’t say it’s worth it to continue. It’s weird because after I made that surprise visit, I felt that gesture was about as good as I could do for her.
Whatever the reason she has for not wanting to talk to me doesn’t matter now and I really don’t care. She’s a great person and I honestly wish the best for her. It just didn’t work out.
We definitely had some great times and some fantastic dates. For all the reasons why one should walk away it’s those great times that tell you to hold on. The fact of the matter is that those times are gone and it was almost as if two different people were living in those great times. After a bit of experience I’ve learned that holding on will only get you so far and those days are gone but not forgotten.
It’s weird letting go because it’s like everything that she learned from you, you want to take it back. A past relationship I had we went to a Twins game and she wasn’t a baseball fan at all. We attended the game, I held her hand and showed her the “hows” and “whys” , and she was hooked. It was after we dated was when I wanted to take that moment back along with her newly found love of baseball and I almost regretted showing her that.
I’ve got no regret now but it’s just a bit sad letting go and I think that it’s just understood that things just didn’t work out. The headaches are gone and I'm finally in a good state of mind that I've been missing for a while now.
A, I don’t know if you read this or not but I genuinely wish you the best and I have no ill will towards you at all. I understand whatever reason you have and whatever that reason is, it really doesn’t matter. I thank you for the good times and wish you the best in the future.