I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for me.
I wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me.
I wish I was a messenger, and all the news was good.
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood.
I was talking to someone recently on smoke breaks and how sometimes a non smoker just isn’t allowed similar breaks. He then went on how sometimes he would go to the bathroom with his gameboy and just waste about a half hour just to get even.
I got to thinking on all the ways I would waste time in all my jobs because I thought I was the only one who would go to the bathroom to waste time.
Newspaper company: This was a pretty fun job just for my coworkers who were 15&16 year old punks who would try to get in trouble. We all would waste time by hiding behind huge carts full of papers and making faces at each other. We’d get caught after a few minutes but it was even better pissing off our boss.
Someone would already have the idea of going to the bathroom except they would actually crack one off and stink up the joint so that option was not even worth it. Other time’s we’d hide in the back and bs until we heard footsteps and then we’d stand up and pretend like we’re working.
Yacht Club: When I’d come in to work on Fridays I’d always try to do stupid things like setting up the dock and mowing the little lawn they had until my boss left for the weekend. When my boss left then I’d simply sit in the gas shack and sleep. People would walk by and say hi and I would simply raise my hand while I was trying to catch some Z’s.
Eventually my friend Raymond joined me because sometimes the summer weekends were really busy and we both would sit across the small gas shack from each other, lean our heads on a quart of oil, and both try to sleep. When we weren’t sleeping we’d debate whether a can of coke would float or sink if we threw it in the water. We spent about 3 weeks debating and arguing about it until I finally went to the bathroom and tested it myself. I spent another week arguing (even though I knew I was wrong) until I finally gave in.
Toy’s R Us: I hated working at this god damn place because the people that shopped there were so annoying. This was the first job where shifts were strictly obeyed and I had a people looking at my punch card to make sure I wasn’t late (which I was always). Here, I would go to the bathroom for about a half hour and read the paper, a magazine, or try and sleep. Sometimes I would go in the back room and just pretend to look for stuff for…as long as I could get away with it.
Forest Service: For this job there wasn’t much screwing off and doing nothing since we all knew we were government employees and people paid taxes to support us. Our work though, didn’t require supervision from a boss so we’d sometimes walk really slowly towards a tree stand or drive slowly back to the base.
The three of us were really good at “running out the clock” to a point where we were all on the same page. Our theory was if we worked our ass off the first 6 hours, we could glide through the next 2 and feel we accomplished a good work day. This work ethic didn’t agree with one of the women we eventually added to our crew because to her, we had to work our ass off the full 8 hours. The thing is, she wouldn’t work her ass off as much as she would “glide” through the 8 hours while we’d work our ass off the first 6.
What the fuck?
Present job: I simply wander buildings, surf the net, blog, find an abandoned office and catch a Z or two.
It’s actually not even daring anymore.