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Thursday, May 31, 2007

...With a Mouth Full O Chips...Bits

Bus is rolling along, outside it's looking kind of strange
There earth is shaking, the clouds are breaking
Everything is blue, where it was gray

-I’ve had a bit of a rebirth in looking for houses after taking a walk around the Lake Como area. The places that I have been looking at have been the standard cookie cutter style houses or town homes. I never would’ve thought to look in Ramsey county but damn, those mature trees sure look awesome. Also having a lake within blocks of a house with character is something I really give a damn about.

I’ve got some leads for Realtors and more mortgage hints thanks to Steph.

Also those non electric mowers look kinda phat too.

-Nick Mancini of Mancini’s Char House passed away recently and it reminds me of the time my family had supper at his place. Mancini’s is *the* classic St. Paul restaurant and a very classy place.

I remember we all were really crabby this day. My mom wanted me and my bro to pose in front of the snoopy statue in front of the place and the look on our faces was something like this: >:[

So we all sat down at our table and ordered some drinks. This old man then walks over to our table,
“Hello everyone I just wanted to thank you for coming down tonight. My name is Nick and I want to make sure you all have a good time here.”

I then thought, “Nick? As in Nick Mancini? That’s got to be him! What a nice guy!” I’ve heard of Nick Mancini on the local radio talk shows and everyone seemed to have a great opinion of the guy. I figured he was just a “man about town” and would sit in the back smoking a giant cigar and count his pennies. Nah, he was a very nice and genuine guy.

The four of us were still very mad at each other for some reason and we were just staring at each other for about ten minutes. Mancini was watching us and came over again,
“Folks how would you like a bowl of cheese bread? It’s on the house. Whatever I can do to make you guys happy, you let me know!”
And he motions to his waiter to bring us some cheese bread and I, being the temporary representative for our family, thanked him for his generosity.

One of the waiters spilled some barbeque sauce on my cap but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want Mancini to feel disappointed in our dining experience there. I mean everyone was in mean spirits and he did his best to try to brighten the mood. It was a very nice gesture.

I probably didn’t make that sound all that special but I was very impressed on how much care he gave his customers. Everyone has a story about the guy and he was about as nice as they come.

-Speaking of the parents, I was going to tell them to drop the bag of chips when I stopped over today. My parents are starting to balloon out there and it’s getting a bit ridiculous.
My family has always been pretty comfortable with each other’s bodies and whenever I’d buy some DQ my mom would always say,
“You know, you’re getting kinda fat!” and then I would retaliate with,
“So hows your diet going? I see you’re loading up on carbs and sugars, and definitely sodium.” nobody ever felt horrible or anything but it was just the way everyone was.

I remember back in the day when I actually had hair (wow those were the days) and I dyed it blond just to see what I looked like. My parents hated **hated** it.

Dad: You know, I really don’t like your hair like that.
Boof: You know, I think you’re really getting kinda fat!

And that’s just the way it goes. My bro and I have very similar body types in that we’re not midgets(6 feet tall), about average weight, and we have a good metabolism.

My parents are, as I alluded to before, tall midgets (about 5’5) and have the metabolism of a couch. My dad did work out for a period of time and he was really starting to look pretty good but apparently that all went to hell.

I think it was when my parents were yelling at each other with a handful of chips in their mouths when it made me think about things.

Mom with a mouth full of chips: younuh, that caaaar back der is un eye soooore.
Dad with a mouth full of chips: neeeeuuuhhhhhh waaaay shhhhhmuuuhhh neeeenuuuh.

And my bro still lives with them… bless him and give him a plaque.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Happy Music...bleh

And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

November 2003

This was the time that Sarah McLachlan’s new album was supposed to come out. It had been six years --six friggen years--since the ever powerful Surfacing album came out and I craved to hear some new depressing songs on her new album.

Surfacing was very much a dark album in which had themes of disappointment, heartache, and gloom. It’s not the goth album that I’m describing because her “hits” with “Adia”, “Sweet Surrender”, and the popular “Building a Mystery”. The whole album had wonderful lyrics from “I Love You” to the most underrated song, “Witness”. It was great for a rainy day!

I love that album even better than her more critically acclaimed “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” which was equally gloomy and much more raw. A very good album and it includes one of my all time favorite songs in “Elsewhere”.

Anyway in November I bought Afterglow I gave it a good listen. My smile eventually turned into a face that describes someone drinking skunky beer. The usual gloomy depressing songs were now changed into happy and uplifting songs.

What the hell?!

It was like the time I ate the black jellybean in the dark theatre when I was 11. **Oh god that was horrible**

She found her “true love” and had since been “married” and now has a little “joy of her life” and her album is more happy like and… bleh. For the first time ever I wanted to wish some disappointment and gloom on someone which sounds very Twins blogger/the world is going to end-like . I mean I love that depressing stuff because it makes my problem seem like nothing and it’s like that caring figure that is sympathizing with you.

Now they’re all happy and it just doesn’t sound right at all. I mean I know there has to be happy songs out there but I guess they really don’t appeal to me at all. When I’m really happy I don’t listen to music but I go bug my mom back at home or I make fun of my coworkers. I don’t need music for that.

It’s like Patty Griffin and all her domestic abuse songs turned into…shiny happy people. Bleh! It seems so wrong yet I suppose they’re entitled to a happy life and to write about it if they want to…I guess.

Eh, there’s always the Cowboy Junkies for all the depressing stuff anyone could ever want!

Hell yeah!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Cornflakes Crap

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

A new week and…now we gotta go back to work.


Crap List

1. The asshole who swiped my car

I saw my dad hanging outside a building at work so I drove by.

Dad: Tom, how did the weekend go?
Boof: It was good.
Dad: did you…
His eyes are then fixed toward one area of the door
Dad: what happened here?
Boof: what?

And I have two sizable scratches from someone who came a little too close to my car.

To the asshole, listen here--er read here…whatever--you know what you did and the responsible thing to do was to leave a note--hell, leave a note that at least says “sorry”--but you didn’t so screw you.
Actually you didn’t even need to write a sincere note because a fake note by someone I despise would do just nicely.

For instance,


I feel bad for you. Not only did I just scratch the shit out of your car but I also noticed that your car was purple. Who the hell buys a purple car? I know I totally screwed up your paint job and all I can say to that is, sweet.
I know you know who I am because those precious Twins that you so deeply love was so close to being terminated. If I had my way I would’ve switched the uniforms to the baby blue color that you hate so much and then give all those overachieving players to the Yankees and Braves respectfully. Might I add that I pissed in your cornflakes and I stuck Packer stickers all over your rear bumper.

I’ve also made sure that chocolate marshmallow ice cream is no more as well.


Bud Selig

I can imagine myself calmly looking up steely eyed and slowly clenching my fist. After about 5 minutes a small flickering flame sneaks out of my left nostril and soon my entire head bursts into flames.

Then I would forget all about the scratch to my car.

2. My Coke Rewards Points

I remember back in the day I would be severely addicted to Pepsi points because…I really wanted a t-shirt.

A little background: I will do anything for a t-shirt. There’s something about receiving a cheap piece of cloth with a cheap symbol or date on it that just encourages me. My job should hang a new shirt right above me and then I will out of my way to be nice to Fuckface in order to obtain said shirt.

Anyway I needed like 10 million Pepsi points in order to receive a free t-shirt (plus $5.95 shipping and handling…BS)

I got the shirt and so I had something to wear while painting and it just took a whole summer to collect.

Now after seeing about 30-12 pack boxes of Diet Coke in my garage, I decided to start collecting the points because…maybe I could get a Coke shirt now. I bought a case thinking I could get some killer points but THE CASES DON’T HAVE POINTS!!!! Ugh.

I bought 4 cases of coke only to find out that I didn’t make any progress towards that shirt. I feel like a failure and that Coke should send me a free shirt for the hell of it (especially after all this talk about Coke)

I got 193 points right now and I’m only about 14,303 away from a signed Elton John Guitar….yuck.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Makeup Bits

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
Because there'll be no safety in numbers
When the Right One walks out of the door

-So I completely lost track of this week and forgot my bits for Thursday. I’m so stupid that as I was typing the title of yesterday’s entry that I thought to myself,
“hmmm ‘A Bit about Pitching’ sounds like a Thursday entry with the usage of ‘bit’.” and I didn’t think anything of it.

I think I’m confusing myself with all this…never mind

-I remember a couple years ago when Twinsgeek decided to pull the plug on his most excellent Twins blog. It was sad and I was wondering how Twins blogging could live on but it did.

Well, now I’m going to wonder the same now that batgirl has decided not to blog anymore. Batgirl was probably the most nationally recognized blog of all in that she never talked about stats or strategy but she’d have the best prose and the funniest dialogue anywhere. I’m glad to know she’s an actual author otherwise I would probably say “I’m not worthy” and live a life of robbing banks in the wild, wild west.

If you have to see anything from Batgirl it’s her use of “legovision” and that pretty much says it all. Legovision alone will be missed.

-I remember always stealing my mom’s Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke and drinking it just to find out that I simply enjoyed opening the can more than drinking that diarrhea. I also remember taking out a can of ‘Pepsi Jazz’ out of the work fridge and thinking ‘hmmm I like the Blues which is kinda like jazz…and I’ve always been a bit of a fan of the Utah Jazz…and the can looks really pretty and shiny…maybe I’ll give a try.”

Pepsi Jazz was so revolting that I held a shaking fist as I pissed it out.

So I grudgingly tried Coke zero because Baby Cakes said it was good and…I dug it. Since then I’ve been feasting on Coke Zero and Coke Zero with Cherry instead of the usual regimen of 5 cokes and the results have been very pleasant. I’ve lost 3 pounds and someone said I looked a bit skinny.
So that’s my weight loss program, drink zero calorie pop.

-I also tried Coke Plus--you know, the Coke with vitamins in it--and I thought it was going to taste worse than the Pepsi Jizz stuff but it’s actually pretty damn good too. I suppose in the future I can rely on Coca Cola to bring me all my essential vitamins and minerals and life will be grand.

-I feel kinda bad because my dad is making his yearly trip to Charlotte for the Coca Cola (wow, it’s like I’m working for the company suddenly) 600 and his buddy that goes to all the races with him passed away a couple months ago. I went home earlier in the week and for some dumb reason my dad is keeping his late buddy’s 1988 Dodge crapmobile in the backyard. The car has squirrels living in it, it’s missing a front passenger tire, and I don’t believe there’s an engine in it. I know for a fact this is bugging the hell out of my mom and, for the first time in…ever, I actually side with her.

Maybe my dad’s trying to fix it up so he can get…$200 for it?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

A Bit about Pitching

I wanna see you get up
And see the whites of your eyes
I'm a heatseeker

(Warning: Sugartits, this is baseball related so move on)

Even though nearly everyone is on the disabled list for the Twins and they have about 2 utility infielders playing every game, I’m still keeping the faith. Actually for any fan to lose hope on --what is it--May 24 is kind of a bandwagon/fair-weather douchey thing to do. I mean there is another 115 games left.

Boof, I mean Boof, Boof, Boof is starting to make me look like a genius (and that’s hard to do). I dig watching him pitch because I truly believe he just needs some more experience and then he’ll be a solid number 2 starter. The way he works the count and, oh lord, that curve ball are things that kinda get a little too excited about. I’ll be watching a game and go crazy over a 1-1 inside pitch chest high,


Perhaps I’m a bit too much of a Boof fan but, I mean, come on. Why shouldn’t I be? I’m proud of my Boof jersey and I wish I was there for Boof’s 11K performance last Friday--(actually I had the chance to watch it on tv but I was a bit distracted by more interesting variables).

Then there’s Johan and I pretty much get off on looking at his box scores every 5th day. I’m sorry but it’s like porn especially this page (don't worry, it's work safe) and looking at his 2nd half stats.

Post All Star Game 2004-2007

32-3, 1.78 ERA, .178 Ave against

I need a cigarette.
Then there’s his September/October stats…

8-1, 1.08 ERA, .164 Ave against

And I’m spent. The great thing is the 2nd half of the season hasn’t started yet and Johan may have just started his annual ‘time to kick ass’ ritual a couple days ago with that 13K performance against the Rangers.

AND THEN…think of this,
2008 when they have Johan, Liriano, Boof, Slowey (hey, he’s shown some promise and killer control), Baker (if he does more of what he did last Saturday), Garza (who’s supposed to be a future ace).

I think that could be one hell of a rotation. Obviously Liriano coming back from Tommy John surgery wont allow him to be 100% but if he can do even half of what he accomplished last year I’d be happy.

I suppose we have to wait for this year to unfold first though. If we could only have everyone healthy…and if Punto could start hitting the damn ball.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Milwaukee: The Promise Land

And I know that your skin is as warm and as real
as that smile in your eyes.
But I have to keep touching and smelling
and tasting for fear it's all lies.

Milwaukee this year wasn't too bad. We didn't break any beds this time but we did get screwed by the weather, the motel was something that cockroaches would be afraid of, and the only Twins loss came on the only day we attended.

I guess lets take it from the top

With having a car with four people, a grill, four bags of clothes, and all our food we needed a bigger boat er...vehicle so I asked my dad if I could use his new Yukon. He thought I was joking at first but then when he realized I wasn't he looked at me steely eyed for about 3 minutes. Then he sighed and said yes. Rock on.
When you're driving through Wisco things can get kind bored so we played around with gummy sharks and bears to pass the time. (That's cat lady in the blazer...more later)
Duuuuuun dun, duuun dun, dun dun...
Hey, Crusin' Chubbys!
dundundundudun aaaaaahhhhhh!
This lady (we call her cat lady for the sign she had in her window about being a cat owner) she must not know what cruise control is. Cat lady would pass us, slow down and we'd pass her. This went on about 5 times and I know her speed went from 70-80 at various times. Finally we started taking pictures of her and when she saw us she sped ahead for about a mile...only to slow down for us to pass her again.
This was the hallway of the Days Inn Crackwhore suites. This place was crummy as hell and I'm not even sure it was up to code. One could hear everything coming from every room and we even got yelled at for being too loud. I thought our room back in Milwaukee I was bad but this was not worth half the money we spent.
This was our room and if you notice, some genius decided to put the bathroom right in the middle of two double beds. The sink was outside the bathroom and the tv was nearly facing the sink. There was no fart fan in the bathroom which was direly needed and we could clearly hear the kids next door.
This was the gunk on the ice machine. This side actually faces the hallway which makes me wonder if they even care about the place.
On our way to motel we were starting to talk about food. We knew there was an Edwardo's in Milwaukee so we figured we'd go there. As it turns out, we had an Edwardo's about 9 blocks away from our crackhouse suite. mmmm
Next we decided to go out and paint the town brown. You probably think we're touching this piano. Actually we're not becuase that sign says we shouldn't but pfff it looks like we're touching it eh?
So we're walking and it's balmy and about 70 degrees outside. It was very comfortable and a great time to spend strolling around Water Street. About an hour later the temperature dropped down to 50 so patios were out of the question.
After the Twins game on Saturday night nearly all the bars looked like this with a line of about 25 people waiting the cold. Not being a fan of wall to wall people we got the hell outta there and went to a pub near the crackhouse suites.
Sunday: This is Miller Park. In my opinion this place does not weather particularly well with the stains on the roof and that awful light green color. I think the adjacent kiddie ballpark looks better than this.
Wisconsin folks love these guys.
As you can see the roof was closed probably because it was 48 degrees outside.
This is the famous My Little Pony backpack that the Twins rookie has to carry around as he's setting up the bullpen/dugout. It was a very good find by Hog or Raymond.
And then we came to our seats and I looked in horror at this sight. Apparently our section was one of 4 that were given these god damn things. Check out the video below to hear what it's like to be in that hell.

Notice how it gives directions on how to "make noise". That should be the first clue that these are a bad idea.

and then later on in the game it never stops. I don't know if you can tell but thunder sticks or bambam sticks (or hell balloons) are great for hangovers.
Luckily this kid was sitting right in front of me and she was an absolute sweatheart.
Game ends 6-5 with Ramon Ortiz stinking it up again. Oh well, I suppose I'll have to leave the game and 200 kids with thundersticks. ugh

Monday, May 21, 2007

Milwaukee Crap

Reaching in,
The sun’s fingers clutch the dawn to pass.
Even out,
it's a precious thing to bear.

Had a damn good time in Milwaukee--the land of Chicago style pizza residual and beer. There were some annoying things about the trip though.

Crap List

1. 48 degrees

Saturday’s high was 75 in Milwaukee.
Monday’s high is supposed to be 70.

So with the high on Sunday being 48 it seemed as though Mother Nature screwed me over this weekend. I mean I stepped outside the truck in the ballpark parking lot and I wished I had hair. My nipples actually crumbled off my torso.
It was unusually cold for May and you’d think for someone who actually gives a little bit of a damn for the environment--one who participates in his community’s round table in environmental discussion and who is also on the tree board--you’d think that person could catch a break and have some decent 80 degree sunny weather for some outdoor baseball. I mean there’s got to be some benefits for participating in such clubs. For instance I would receive 3 absolute gorgeous days at my disposal or I could have once cloud of rain hang over one specific person for 4 straight hours. Perhaps having lightning strike somewhere specific at a specific time would be cool too or one of those bad ass thunderstorms where nothing get damaged but it looks like hell outside. No, I get nothing.

Instead Mother Nature decided to take the day off and leave the controls to the greek god of idiots.

The roof was closed, tailgating was not even attempted, and we had to wear jeans (and not shorts) into the ballpark. For the record I still wish the roof was open because I’d rather have 48 degrees than this airplane hanger deal they have going there in Miller Park.

2. Thunder Sticks

I remember watching sporting events on tv where the fans were using these satanic things and me thinking,
“whose idea was this and where does this person live…specifically?” There was then a period of time where I never saw these sticks and I actually believed that they were no more because of how irritating they are.

Well, I’m here to announce that they’re still around and after living through 9innings of constant “tap, tap, tap” I would like to believe that Osama Bin Laden himself invented these fucking thunder sticks because they make any headache much, much worse. The entire game sounded like we were being fired upon in Baghdad and this kid right behind me was never going to stop. 200 kids all tap, tap, tapping these things throughout the game. The guy next to me (brewers fan) even admitted that it was probablya bit mistake to give these things to kids.
Then when they blow up, it echoes throughout the ballpark like a shotgun.


Yeah what a joyful time to see America’s pastime and having kids play with noise makers.

I almost thought it was going to be alright when they had this unmarked box of thunder sticks above the section. No one knew what was in that box and there were only a couple pair of these things in the stands. I thought I may have just lucked out. Then in the middle of the 2nd inning the users made it a point to pass out 30 thunder sticks to everyone in every aisle and then the war started.

I have some you tube footage of this specific hell and I’ll have it for you tomorrow along with a bunch of pictures.

So…good times.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Spider Solitare

We'll turn in circles, baby
We're never satisfied
We'll fall from grace
Forget we can fly

Can someone tell me the secret to winning spider solitare when it’s on the most difficult level?

I think it’s impossible. If anyone can tell me the secrets to winning that and maybe give me clues in the form of cute little poems, that would be awesome as hell.

I’m going to Milwaukee this weekend so it looks like I wont be bitter this year! Yay

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Nice Set of Bits

There was a fanfare blowing
To the sun
That was floating on the breeze.
Look at Mother Nature on the run
In the nineteen seventies.

-You know Cleveland Indians, whenever you want to stop scoring runs and hitting the shit out of us, let us know so we can actually rest the bullpen (if you want to call it that). Twins may as well have Nick Punto out there pitching for us if the Indians are going to kill us like this.

-I bought AC/DC Live the other day because my old copy kept skipping and I just couldn’t deal with that anymore. This new CD I bought was remastered and had all the good things printed on there so I thought maybe just maybe they would actually put the correct stop points in the songs because they’re all screwed up. See the CD is one of the best live CD’s around and nearly every song can be placed in my “workout” play list on my ipod but every song has about 45 seconds of the crowd chanting,
“ANGUS, (clap-clap), ANGUS” which is really annoying when you’re running and you need that AC/DC goodness to keep you going.

Nope tracks are the same and I still have to deal with the minute in a half of crap in front of “Thunderstruck”. dammit.

I don’t mind the dialogue because I think it’s interesting how indecipherable he is.

“hey everyone GEDJAMMMFFFABITSTAMFOGAMIT YEAH!” It’s just fascinating because I wonder if Brian Johnson even knows what he’s saying.

-speaking of game shows (yesterday’s entry) I just found out that one of the groups I just joined was featured on a question in a recent episode of Jeopardy,

Answer: The (community I live in) Minnesota Tree Board won the 2006 Lady Bird Johnson Award from this holiday's foundation
Question: what is Arbor Day?

That was the $1000 question under “Holidays and Observances”

There’s only about 7 of us on the Tree board so I thought that was damn cool.

-Tater tots

-Interesting find while rate shopping for mortgages.

Mortgage company through my credit union: 30 years at 6.25%
douche bag mortgage company who keeps calling me: 30 years at 7.875%

Wonder which one I’m leaning too?

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Game Show Talk

I'm rolling thunder, pouring rain
I'm coming on like a hurricane
My lightning's flashing across the sky
You're only young but you're gonna die

With the passing of Jerry Falwell the other day I thought it would be appropriate to write about game show hosts. I’ve always been a bit of a fan of game shows especially back in the day during summer vacation when I’d just stay in the living room and watch game shows until noon.

I believe it all started when I saw the Price is Right and I would watch that religiously along with Classic Concentration. I watched Price is Right for the yodeling dude, the women, and Plinko (who doesn’t like Plinko?) and Classic Concentration was just a fun game to try and guess what the picture represents at the end.

I then got really hardcore into Family Feud and would watch that religiously after school while eating graham crackers or Dinty Moore. At that time the young guy was hosting the show and he eventually committed suicide but hell, it was a fun show just to see how stupid the people were. Actually the whole inspiration for this post was me looking up funny game show moments on you tube (highly recommended). So I just want to give my opinions on all the different game show hosts.

John Davidson (Hollywood squares)
I can’t remember if Hollywood Squares was as bad then as it is now but I used to watch this all the time too. Davidson always seemed like a douche the way his lego hair would part and his idiotic dialogue with the “celebrities”. Although he was a douche, he was a small douche in that he didn’t bug me that much, it’s just the lego hair (hell, people with hair nowadays bug me).

Bob Eubanks (newlywed game)
I never really minded Eubanks simply because Match always seem to be very relaxed and anything goes type of show. Perhaps it was just that he’d say “whoopee” and I’d giggle a little bit or it could’ve simply been the answer to the question,
“Where is your favorite spot to make whoopee”?. Maybe it was the way these newlyweds would fight and get so pissed off at each other too. Either way the only thing that bugged me about Eubanks was his suits and how they’d make the span of his shoulders seem like they were the shoulders of a little girl. I did like how he’d make fun of the contestants when they’d say something stupid and that’s always points for me because it shows that the guy is sick of his job and he takes it out on people through passive aggressive ways which is cool.

Wink Martindale (tick tack dough)
I was never a fan of Tick Tack Dough because that dragon always kinda scared me and the show seemed like it was 15 years outdated. I also think I never watched because Wink Martindale had the grin of a crazy child molesting uncle and that grin would never leave his face. I think it’s even stranger now that he still has that grin and he’s older than hell.

Alex Trebek (jeopardy)
I got no beef with Alex simply because he seems like the most dignified person in the world. The guy should probably run for President because he could probably say “poop” and I would sit and watch in awe without laughing.

Gene Rayburn (match game)
Probably the opposite of Trebek in that he was an absolute pervert. Don’t get me wrong because he would say the stuff that us guys would be thinking but he’d have this really evil look on his face (complete with the Joker face) when he’d flirt with the guests. I would not be surprised if Rayburn was a robot from the future.

Bob Barker (Price is Right)
Barker is a saint. Forget the suave delivery or his ability to host many different types of games in a single show but what I’m mostly impressed with is how he handled all those crazy college students and those old ladies. Those ladies would come running on the stage like complete crazy bitches and then beg Barker for a kiss when he was probably like,
“Christ lady, I’ve been doing this for 30 years. A Probe is not that cool”.
Barker does allow for the show to stop just to point out how strange something or someone is which I think is a huge plus. One thing I did notice back in the day was how during the 80’s he dyed his hair black then one magical day it was white and, as a kid, I was so confused on if this white haired guy was the real Bob Barker or what the hell was going on. The guy sounded like Bob Barker but how does hair just change like that?
I had a dream once where that giant wheel fell off it’s tracks and killed like 20 people in the audience. I also watched the final showcase showdown when someone was within $100 and they’d play that whooping alarm. I thought the place would blow up.

I do have to admit that I was sad when Rod Roddy died though. The show just hasn’t been the same since.

Peter Tomarken (Press Your Luck)
I didn’t have anything against him except that his voice kinda bugged me. The only reason why I put him on here is because of that one episode of Press Your Luck where some guy figured out a pattern to where he never hit any whammys and would gain money along with another chance to gain more prizes. The show went on for an hour and he ended up with over $100k. I think they changed things after that.

Richard Dawson (Family Feud)
Basically, to me, it begins and ends with Richard Dawson. The guy was a pimp, he was funny, he made fun of the super stupid family members, and he was so smooth. From what I found, the best you tube clips are pretty much about Dawson and how he would laugh so hard as the stupidest answers.

“At what month does a woman start to look pregnant?”


He nearly died after that.

I also caught a very nice clip where Family Feud was celebrating his birthday. The guy seems heartfelt and very genuine…but that’s from what I see. He made sure that his producer and director were given credit for such a cool deal.

I loved his delivery, I love how he could do all that weird game show host-child molesting-like stuff and get away with it. He’d kiss women on the lips!

Chuck Wollery (Love Connection)
This guy is like 65 years old and he still looks really young. I always enjoyed his low key approach to hosting game shows but I hated his laugh and that “two-in-2” crap he’d do with his fingers before every commercial break. I’m pretty sure this guy will pass away by the sun melting his face.

Thank god for you tube though.

Monday, May 14, 2007

More Work Crap

Hey little girl,
you want it all
The furs, the diamonds,
the painting on the wall

Crap List

1. Fuck Face
I’m beginning the time of year where Fuckface really starts acting like a god damn fuck-face and starts pissing me off.

Just to recap, my arch nemesis, whom I call Fuckface, is this idiot I work with and ends up ruining all my projects that I have planned for the summer. He’ll come up with the stupidest solutions, predictions, and just can’t seem to do any damn job without screwing it up and blaming me.

I should also give you some background to who I am in this large company. I’m a contract worker who oversees other contract workers. The drama comes in where the company workers (basically the guys who do the same stuff as us only they’re not contract workers) believe that we’re taking their jobs and do whatever they can to make our lives miserable. We aren’t taking their jobs but this company wont hire anymore of their kind and is simply waiting for everyone to retire. Granted there are some fantastic workers on that side and most workers don’t take things out on us, but some wont hesitate to make life harder than it needs to be.

So Fuckface schedules this meeting with me and about 20 of my counterparts for a meeting. The meeting is to express any concerns they have with the work we do which…the fact that we’re there is concern enough. This meeting is also at 12:30pm which is not even during my normal hours of work.

So I arrive, sit down, and make small talk with everyone. No problems but Fuckface is twenty minutes late and good lord do I hate it when people make me go out of my way to go somewhere and they’re late. Fuckface finally comes in and starts out by asking everyone,
“So lets here your concerns over Tom’s crew?”

And he may as well dropped a juicy piece of meat in the lion’s den.

Most of the concerns were areas that we can’t control but we somehow take the blame but other than that it wasn’t too bad. In fact the meeting was a bit satisfying since all 20 of those other guys side with me in that they can’t stand Fuckface as well. FF would tell them something and the snotty remarks and vindictive comments were flowing like crazy. I was actually almost having a good time.

Take that you son of a bitch!

2. Mother’s day
I love my mom and I’m pretty sure my mom loves me but the both of us have no idea on what the hell to get each other for special occasions. For instance my mom continues to buy me cow related stuff because 10 years ago I bought a Gateway computer with cow-like packaging. This last Christmas I received these ceramic cows that you place sugar and flour inside…because they would look great in my kitchen when I cook. She also gave me a sponge holder for Christmas which is a little plastic device that holds a sponge to the wall. It was wrapped and everything!

Then as for me, one year I bought my mom a sewing junk box which is pretty much a crayon box only that it’s to store sewing stuff. Then I bought her a Beatles CD that sat on the countertop for about 9 months. Then I think I bought her some sewing material pattern deal which was the result of me stepping in this craft store, finding the first thing I could find, and then getting the hell out of there.

Then I remember the horroric experience I had when I walked in a craft store about a year ago. I walked in and immediately looked around at all the stuff that is completely alien to me-planters, craft stuff, and bird baths. It was like I stepped into a black hole. I was completely out of my element and I had to get out of there fast.

At one point I remember her telling me to never buy her a gift again but I refuse to listen to her.

This year I settled for…ugh,
A subscription to Clotide’s Sewing Saavy

Even my mom kinda gave me a weird look when I told her but she already had a sewing magazine at home and so why not have a subscription to another? I did also give her a bouquet of flowers so I thing that took the edge off how ridiculous my present was.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Friday Bits

I won't take no prisoners won't spare no lives
Nobody's puttin' up a fight
I got my bell I'm gonna take you to hell
I'm gonna get ya satan get ya

-Sorry it’s been awhile but between wakes, beer, and food there just hasn’t been enough time to get anything down. Not to mention I didn’t really have any material to talk about… I mean Twins suck so…how many times can one say it?

-Everyone says this clip of David Hasselhoff is sad but I find more humor out of it. I love how his daughter is giving him this impromptu intervention while he’s fixed on his burger. The absolute best is when he tries to take a bite out of it and the whole damn thing just falls apart leaving him with just a piece of lettuce in his hand.

“This is A mess” he mutters. Just hilarious.

If I had all my classic drunken moments videotaped I’m sure someone would have this idea that I would need an intervention which is funny since I really don’t drink that much. I have my couple days in the sun every year and those end up being memorable. I mean there may or may not be a you tube video of me dancing violently where I actually hit my friend in the head but is that considered sad?

I mean really? Sad?

Actually it probably is (but it’s really funny though) and the time where I woke up from being passed out and threatened to bite peoples legs may be considered sad too but oh well. There’s nothing better than waking up the next morning not knowing what happened when people are telling you how “funny” and “violent” I was.

-I had a great time hanging out with the bloggers mafia on Wednesday night. Finally--finally--I was able to break the shackles of work and play musical bingo with the other local bloggers like Alie, Hedy, Leslie, Jeremy, and others. They love to take pictures and because it was my first night there, my photo poses were pretty lame and I was left almost wanting to practice. I looked at my camera and I figured it just wasn’t worth it.

I’m just not a picture guy but I can do one hell of a pseudo homo pose I suppose.

-Speaking of pseudo homo, I saw The Devil Wears Prada the other night. Now because I don’t know a damn think about fashion (I don’t even know what “Prada” is) and therefore half the jokes were completely lost on me I really had no business watching this movie. I have been meaning to see this movie just because of Anne Hathaway and Anne Hathaway in sexy ass heels because…good god.

The thing is Hathaway’s character is considered ugly and fat in the beginning but I think she looks hot as hell. I mean she could be wearing a t-shirt with crap all over it and I'd still hit that. Then she’s supposed to change in this model and be incredible but I can’t even detect a difference except that she’s wearing weird ass clothing.

What the hell? I suppose I’ll have to file that movie in the “extreme chick flick” file where everything is completely lost on me.

-I found this from reading uniwatch, it’s the most creative baseball promotions ever. “Nobody night” is my favorite. Nobody night is where this team closed the gates off for any fans in an attempt to have the least number of fans at a game--that being zero fans. So fans were locked out of the game until the 5th inning when it went in the books.

-I’ve probably posted this about 5 times already but listening to this always makes me happy.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Games and Games

Down and out
It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about.
With, without.
And who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?

So back to Tits McGee….

We were all dead set and ready to go the Chatterbox when she asked what the Chatterbox was.

Boof: Well Chatterbox is pretty cool. They’ve got tons of old school video games (hoping to perk the interest of J) and tons of board games (hoping to spark the interest of Tits).

Tits had this frown on her face: So there’s video games?

Boof: yeah but there’s board games too

Then J looked at Tits and found out she didn’t like it and he started frowning: So it’s a place to play video games?

Boof: Well it’s a bar that happens to have games there, yes.

They didn’t want to go because I think they figured it was a place like Game works (only nerdier) or something where there wasn’t wall to wall people and you have to carry your drink above the headline in order to go anywhere. Basically they wanted to go to the type of place I just can’t stand where I’m relegated to sitting outside pretending I’m wearing a straight jacket.

I kinda took offense to the rejection from old school gaming. Old school games are like Shakespeare to me--they’re classic and no one should dare put hate onto such a subject. After all, it’s the games of the past that give us our ADD-ness of today. How can someone possibly put hate onto Super Mario Bros or regular Mario Bros. Then there’s Bubble Bobble, how could one not want to play Bubble Bobble? NBA Jam with Scott Skiles and Kevin Johnson!? My god that’s awesome!

If it was Gameworks I probably would feel their pain since I’ve retired from gaming as of 1992 when Super NES came out. I suddenly looked at my Nintendo system and realized that everything was already outdated. That’s when I started to not care about how many games I “beat” and I started to do other things to which I can’t even remember right now. Nowadays I just don’t “game” at all and it doesn’t interest me much.

Actually I remember my bro and I used to play this homerun derby game at the end of our driveway. We had this beach ball thing and I would stand at the end of our driveway and hit the beach ball at our house. I gotta say it was very satisfying hitting the house with that thing. Oh and I suppose golf took up a bunch of time as well….and work (so I could play golf).

I mean Chatterbox is pretty much the perfect first date place and I don’t even like board games. I can only imagine how cool it would be with a bunch of people where a couple guys play video games, a couple others play a board game and you could stand around with your drink and watch both. It’s sounds like New Years Eve!

Monday, May 07, 2007

Motorboatin' Crap

Strangers passing in the street
By chance two separate glances meet
And I am you and what I see is me

Crap List

1. The “back out”

So I’m at Hog’s place on Saturday night and we have this idea that we’re going out to have drinks. The main place is the Chatterbox since no one else has been there and it’s a great environment for a bunch of people. So the 5 of us at Hog’s place are waiting for two others. Everything is good and we’re ready to go.

Then J and Tit’s McGee show up. J, we’ve known for a couple years and is Hog’s pal from St. Peter. Tit’s McGee is J’s fiancĂ© and she’s porn star hot. Okay ass, chest is something you can’t help but to look at, and…I guess that’s all that matters. I suppose if one was going to complain: the tit’s aren’t real (tangent: tit’s not being real aren’t going to keep me from ogling or touching or “motor boating”. Of course real is always better but fake isn’t going to keep me from living out my porn star dreams. I mean how natural are vibrators?), she’s got a bit of a butter face (but a paper bag helps that cause), and--the biggie--she’s annoying as hell.

Needless to say it’s obvious why J is marrying her and it’s because of the “babe” factor. Obviously “motor boating” is way high on J’s list and I can’t necessarily blame him but, good lord, she’s annoying. After about a half hour of hearing her talk about pooping or laughing about how drunk she is and ogling her I quickly changed my tone on going out. Raymond and Shawn already left conspicuously early so now it was just the 5 of us (2 couples and me).

I still kinda wanted to so I tried--TRIED-- to get them to go out somewhere, anywhere. After about a half hour of “ho-humm, I dunno” (tangent: god, I love that--when no one can decide on where to go. Let‘s go outside or hang out in the parking lot anything to get the hell out of here) we decided to go downtown. The more I thought about it and the more I heard that woman’s voice, the more I wanted out of here.

So on the way to the cars to go downtown I pulled this little move,
Boof: We’ll, I think I’m gonna call it a night and bugger off

Hog had this look of “YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” and was noticeably pissed in front of the Tit’s and J. Hog’s gf, Baby Cakes, was probably just as pissed but the way I saw it, it was a way out of a very bad situation. Once I got in that car with everyone else, I would be stuck in social hell--like Hog and Baby Cakes were.

I mean if a big boobed girl jumped off a bridge I probably would too unless she was annoying as hell.

2. Twins baseball
Our lineup sucks ass without Cuddy and Mauer. Suddenly Justin Morneau and Torii Hunter look like two men in a sea of boys. No power, no consistency and plenty of 4 hit games. It’s 2005 all over again and damn was that a fun year--about as fun as being married to Tit’s McGee without the motorboat.

Hunter (was injured for a period of time)

Can injuries get any worse?

Friday, May 04, 2007


It was cold
In the middle of a railroad track
I looked round
And I knew there was no turning back

I was on my way of writing this huge piece about religion but….

Faaak it.

Basically what it comes down to if I love and forgive then what more do I need? Why do I need to follow old stories and memorize certain verses?

So if everyone simply loves and forgives then why does it have to be more complicated than that?

I got to leave home early so this is what I thought of as I’m watching basketball.
Yes, that’s right. I’m watching NBA basketball and I’m actually kind of enjoying it.

Deep. I know!

Thursday, May 03, 2007


Sunshine on a shiny ocean
Sunshine on a shiny bay
I opened a tiny shutter and
Sunshine blew me away

-I’ve been really wanting to write more about the Twins but…what do I write about? The team just doesn’t really have much of an identity yet and there’s not much to write about except Ponson’s greasy ass hair and that he looks like a tall midget. Until this team evolves into whatever it’s going to be, I suppose then I’ll start writing about them.

I will say one thing though, Crain sucks.

-Also Tropicana Field (the Devil Rays place) sucks too. I remember thinking before the D-Rays were playing that a dome in St. Petersburg is a bad idea for baseball. I mean how does someone like Selig look at that place and say,
“Yep, you guys should have a baseball franchise” and then six years later look at the metrodome and say,
“Nope, you guys can’t compete and should move.”

I knew it was a bad idea to give Tampa Bay (and Arizona for that matter) that franchise and I was only 14! Selig is like 90.

-I’m debating on switching from regular coke to diet coke. I’ve never been a diet fan just because I’ve just like regular coke so much. But with the calorie counting that I’ve done in the past couple years and all the pop that I drink, drinking a can of zero calorie coke does sound kind of nice. My one hang up on that was drinking all that aspartame and how the long term effects are unknown. I guess I figure that with as popular as diet drinks are, they can’t be that bad. Right?

Also I’m hoping such a change wouldn’t affect me too much because I believe that I drink so much pop because I simply like opening up a can and drinking whatever is inside of it. I actually have been wondering why there isn’t canned water instead of bottled water. I might buy it then.

-Sometimes when I’m feeling a little down, when I need a little pick-me-up I’ll log onto my fantasy football page and look at how my 11-6 record is better than most of the other teams in my league. It’s really sad, I know, but it’s true.

-Spiderman 3 comes out this weekend and I honestly just don’t give a shit.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

I Was Sick, I Swear

Vacate, is the word.
Vengeance has no place so near to her.
Cannot find the comfort in this world.
Artificial tear. Vessel stabbed, next up, volunteers?
Vulnerable. Wisdom can't adhere.

Okay so I can explain. Jus gimme a chance to explain.


So I caught this weird ass virus or bug or something. The fuckin thing was the most effective and quickest thing I have ever had and I it came out of nowhere.

Usually when I get sick it goes like this,

I’ll be sleeping and dreaming about…the things I dream about (Sara Evans, watching baseball while eating Doritos, and crazy things that can only be resembled in old USSR cartoons) when I’ll wake up and notice my throat is a tad bit dry. I cough the wussiest cough ever and then it hits me, I’m sick. Maybe not right then and there but that pussy cough usually represents that a cold is about 24 hours away. Like clockwork, 24 hours later I’ll be plugged up and sicker than a dog.

This was weird though. Saturday I was mostly fine. My eyes were really watery (which is very unusual for me) and I was tired but I believe that was more due to my lack of sleep the night before.

Sunday I was pretty much in bed the whole day. Eyes were watery with the crusties underneath, head was pounding, I was weak, and walking to the other side of the room would increase the heart rate. The weird thing was that I wasn’t stuffy, no sneezing, and my ears weren’t playing tricks (my ears always seem to plug up when I get a cold).

Although I didn’t seem stuffed up people on the phone said I sounded ill. Maybe that’s because I was ill. Hmm I guess that’s definitely a thought.

Also when I get sick I usually don’t let that stop me from doing the things that I usually do other than working out. I avoid people at all cost (I do that anyway) but I can usually work with whatever sickness I have. This particular bug was not workable. I think I only missed about 5 days of school (one being senior skip day) and I’m usually really stubborn when it comes to illness. It takes a lot to make me miss things.

Monday night I felt so unbelievably terrible. It was to the point where I couldn’t do anything without holding my head in my hands and pray that the pain goes away. It could’ve been a caffeine headache but I’ve had those before and this was unbelievable. I finally got home and went straight to bed.

I woke up about a hour in a half later and everything was gone--the pressure in my head, my watering eyes, and my weakness. I was ready to go…at 2am. Unlike the past two days, I wasn’t going to sleep a wink because I completely awake and alert.

Yesterday I felt pretty similar--I went out of the house, I arrived at work and I wasn’t crabby, I even sang in the shower. There’s still a bit of remnants from this bug but I can’t see it coming back for more. At least I hope not.

I wonder what the deal was though. Maybe it was that bucket of AIDS that I drank, or maybe it’s a genetic deal because my dad’s from Wisconsin and my mom from Iowa, or maybe I should stop eating quarters.

Did I describe a migraine? I don’t think I’ve ever had one but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever had anything that bad either.