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Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Cornflakes Crap

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme

A new week and…now we gotta go back to work.


Crap List

1. The asshole who swiped my car

I saw my dad hanging outside a building at work so I drove by.

Dad: Tom, how did the weekend go?
Boof: It was good.
Dad: did you…
His eyes are then fixed toward one area of the door
Dad: what happened here?
Boof: what?

And I have two sizable scratches from someone who came a little too close to my car.

To the asshole, listen here--er read here…whatever--you know what you did and the responsible thing to do was to leave a note--hell, leave a note that at least says “sorry”--but you didn’t so screw you.
Actually you didn’t even need to write a sincere note because a fake note by someone I despise would do just nicely.

For instance,


I feel bad for you. Not only did I just scratch the shit out of your car but I also noticed that your car was purple. Who the hell buys a purple car? I know I totally screwed up your paint job and all I can say to that is, sweet.
I know you know who I am because those precious Twins that you so deeply love was so close to being terminated. If I had my way I would’ve switched the uniforms to the baby blue color that you hate so much and then give all those overachieving players to the Yankees and Braves respectfully. Might I add that I pissed in your cornflakes and I stuck Packer stickers all over your rear bumper.

I’ve also made sure that chocolate marshmallow ice cream is no more as well.


Bud Selig

I can imagine myself calmly looking up steely eyed and slowly clenching my fist. After about 5 minutes a small flickering flame sneaks out of my left nostril and soon my entire head bursts into flames.

Then I would forget all about the scratch to my car.

2. My Coke Rewards Points

I remember back in the day I would be severely addicted to Pepsi points because…I really wanted a t-shirt.

A little background: I will do anything for a t-shirt. There’s something about receiving a cheap piece of cloth with a cheap symbol or date on it that just encourages me. My job should hang a new shirt right above me and then I will out of my way to be nice to Fuckface in order to obtain said shirt.

Anyway I needed like 10 million Pepsi points in order to receive a free t-shirt (plus $5.95 shipping and handling…BS)

I got the shirt and so I had something to wear while painting and it just took a whole summer to collect.

Now after seeing about 30-12 pack boxes of Diet Coke in my garage, I decided to start collecting the points because…maybe I could get a Coke shirt now. I bought a case thinking I could get some killer points but THE CASES DON’T HAVE POINTS!!!! Ugh.

I bought 4 cases of coke only to find out that I didn’t make any progress towards that shirt. I feel like a failure and that Coke should send me a free shirt for the hell of it (especially after all this talk about Coke)

I got 193 points right now and I’m only about 14,303 away from a signed Elton John Guitar….yuck.


The Steph said...

So your goal out of all of this is to get a signed Elton John guitar? Hmmmm.

Boof said...

nah I was trying to point out how crappy the main prize was. I don't think it's an Elton John guitar but something equally stupid

The Steph said...

That's not as much fun as saying, "Boof wants a signed Elton John guitar!!" and then pointing and giggling behind your hand.