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Monday, June 11, 2007

Wow, That was Horrible Crap

You had your time
you had the power
You’ve yet to have your finest hour

Crap List

1. The Sopranos Ending

An hour before the finale begins…

Boof: You know, I bet this ending is going to be a downer. I mean how can it possibly live up to the hype ya know?
Hog: Yeah that’s what I’m kinda thinking too. We’ll see I guess.

Two hours later, during the last 5 seconds of the show Boof and Hog are sitting back in their chair with their arms folded.
Then, the ending..

Boof looking at Hog: uh…what?
Hog: Oh no. Did I just chop off the ending?
Boof: FUCK!
Hog: Oh god dammit!

Then the credits come on…

Silence for about 5 seconds
Boof and Hog look at each other incredulously.
Boof: Did they just…end the show like that?
Hog: I…guess?
Hog laughs with disappointment: Wow…

******SPOILER ALERT!!!!!*********

Nothing fucking happened! AJ went through about 3 phases as he discovers himself, Meadow couldn’t parallel park if her life depended on it, and Phil was taken out without much satisfaction (except for the car rolling over his head). Once Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ started playing, I had quite the frown on my face.


The annual Berg Spring Cleaning is more entertaining than that crap and it even has an ending--my dad sitting on the chair eating shoe string potatoes and eventually falling asleep.

I know the Sopranos ending left pretty much everything open for…well, anything to happen now which makes this whole “last episode” bullshit seem like a complete waste of time. Actually the entire 6th season (save for the 2nd to last episode) was entirely dismissible. They had us wait over 2 years for this awful season and with all those great episodes in the first 5 seasons and THIS is how you end it?

I remember a year ago when I had my Sopranos marathon and how I watched like 6 episodes in a day just to catch up with the season 6 premier. Thank god I only got into this show a year ago because I can not imagine how pissed off I would be if I watched for the entire 8 years. Ironically, my reaction after 8 years of viewing would probably have a much more entertaining ending than this episode.

I now change my mind on the Sopranos--the show sucks simply because of the last episode. I don’t care if a movie comes out because as someone pointed out before, the move would be a trilogy,

Part 1: The Soprano family paints their house
Part 2: The Soprano family then sit in lawn chairs and watch the grass grow.
Part 3: They all die of old age.

Despite that stupid fucking ending, I’ve come up with better endings than what happened the other night.

-Tony gets whacked by Paulie (who has secretly been working for Phil Leotardo) as he drives AJ from his run. AJ then grows up pissed off and vengeful and leads the New Jersey mafia gang.

-Tony finds Phil at the gas station and they duke it out until Tony beats the crap out of Phil. Phil bleeds so bad that his hair gets messed up.

-Tony and Phil find each other in the wild west and they decide to have a showdown at high noon. They both attempt to step 15 steps but cheat and turn around after 3 and end up shooting each other simultaneously.

-Silvio makes it out of his coma and takes a walk in the park when he comes across Bruce Springsteen.

Silvio: Hey, it’s da real boss
Springsteen: Hey how are ya doin? Hey do you know any guitarists around here? The E Street Band needs a new one.
Silvio: Hey, I can play guitar. What the hey.
Springsteen: You gotta wear this bandanna though.

Then the show ends with Tony, Phil, and the entire cast of the Sopranos at the Bruce Springsteen concert rocking out to “Glory Days”.

-The classic Growing Pains ending where the Soprano house is empty and the family has a tearfelt goodbye. AJ then picks up a childhood toy and sets it on the floor. The family then exits and the sunlight fills the empty room. Tony then falls on a banana and dies.

-Phil finds Tony and chains him up to a wooden post in the middle of nowhere. Phil then degrades Tony as the New York family laughs on. Just before Phil kills Tony the “hand of god” then comes down and makes everything right (The Stand ending--thanks for nothing Stephen King!)

-Phil decides to live his life on the run and buys a semi. After five years on the run Tony runs into Phil at a Topeka truck stop and decides to wait in the semi for Phil and then whack him. As the truck does some weird shit, Tony hops out and blows his cover as Phil is walking back from the truck stop. Semi then transforms into Optimus Prime and both Tony and Phil look at each other in comedic fashion and simultaneously say “What the fuck” and Prime kills Tony. Prime then leads the New Jersey family based on guilt and sorrow.

-Meadow strips naked

-Tony finds Phil using a pay phone at a gas station and sticks an ice cream cone up his nose and shaves his eyebrows.
Show ends with Tony saying,
“haha it was a sticky situation.”

-Tony and Phil go at it Mortal Kombat style. Phil falls for Tony’s uppercuts while Phil’s lightning surge is useless. Tony then performs a babality and baby Phil cries a lot.

-Tony, worried about what Phil is thinking and when he’ll get whacked decides to enter a gym and workout his frustrations. After 5 minutes on the elliptical machine he stops and wipes the 2 gallons of sweat on his brow. Tony then looks back and recognized Osama Bin Ladin doing lat pulldowns and chokes him to death.
Tony is a hero and Phil gets so frustrated that he…dies.

-A heartfelt scene where AJ and Tony have a father/son heart-to-heart when AJ starts whining about how depressing life is. After AJ’s lecture on genetically modified foods Tony gets so frustrated that his head explodes.

-Janice dies

-Tony chokes on his popcorn as he watches the last episode of Friends.

Any of those would’ve been better. Any of those endings would’ve left me with a feeling like it ended and not this open ended crap they pulled on us last night.

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