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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Fed to the Alligators

No doubt, no pain
Come ever again, well
Let there be light in this lifetime
In the cool, silent moments of the nighttime

I’ve been helplessly addicted to Mythbusters lately. The show is fascinating and the two hosts are so hilarious on a subtle level that I get myself rip-roarin’ every time I watch it. Jamie is great being the dignified father-type figure and Adam is just damn hilarious in a clownish kinda way. Then Carrie, oh she’s hot as hell with that fake red dyed hair and that rack…ooh.

Anyway this particular episode of Mythbusters they were testing the myth about being buried alive. They went to a place where you buy caskets (mortuary?) and found one made of steel. They then rigged up a 10x10 plexiglass box, placed the casket in (with Jamie inside it to test how long the oxygen would last), and began filling it with dirt. As it turns out the casket was beginning to buckle with the weight of the dirt and they had to stop. Jamie even said that dirt was starting to come inside the casket

This set a bit of a frown on my face. If one buys a casket with all this beautiful silky white material on the inside, made of steel, and which had a god damn bedspring for chrissakes you’d think…hmmm *thinks* well, I find a lot wrong with all that stuff.

When it comes to the conversation of death we all have our strong opinions in that regard. I remember this date I had where I accidentally stumbled on the subject of euthanasia.

Boof: So if your sister was Terry Schievo what would you do?
Date: I would keep her alive as long as possible of course. How bout you?
Boof: I’d pull that plug…of course.

We both had these incredulous frowns on our face until we both blurted out simultaneously,

“You’d pull the plug?!”
“You’d keep her alive?!”

“What the hell?!”

And needless to say it was done from there.
(Boof’s dating tips: never talk about euthanasia on the first date)

For me when it comes to death I kinda think it’s a bit selfish to reserve a plot of land and call it yours for eternity. I mean with all the generations to come and all those baby boomers screwing everything up I think cremation is the way to go. It bugs me the idea that all this money gets dedicated to someone who is dead and it seems like a heathcare deal in that the funural industry just tries to absorb as much money as they can. A casket for $3000? I’d rather have someone make an old fashioned horror film wooden one made of plywood if I’m going to have one.

When I heard that caskets come with a bed spring mattress I nearly shat myself. Why on earth does a dead body need a bed spring? I mean…

it’s dead!

Then, to take things further, what’s with the silken white linings and steel casket? I mean, again, it’s a dead body so is it supposed to be nice for the afterlife or something? It just seems like a total waste of money. I know it’s for dignity and a welcoming to the afterlife and all that crap but…it’s a waste. Why not take those silk sheets and have them used for…the living?

Then the fact that the steel casket buckled and even leaked dirt inside seems like the whole casket industry is just a big farce. You’d think that a steel casket would be able to withstand that amount of dirt and with all that pretty white silky crap that it wouldn’t leak. At least put a seal and some ingenuity in it. Good lord if you’re trying to sell comfort and respectability at least make it so it doesn’t leak dirt over the body.

I’ve thought about how I would like to be buried for awhile (and no, I don’t intend on dying anytime soon but it’s something to think about when you’re getting your oil changed) and I’ve thought for years I would be cremated. I would hate to have a ton of resources being dedicated to my dead ass so burial, again, seems selfish. The more I think about it, cremation sounds a bit selfish too because I wouldn’t want any money to go toward an oven to incinerate myself.

Then I thought, what else could I do?

Then I remembered those hungry alligators in Florida. I could simply have someone dump my dead carcass into some Florida swamp and have it devoured by hungry alligators. It would leave no mess and it would feed the animals. No money towards any stupid caskets or kilns.
I could also be thrown in a pen of wild hogs too because I’ve heard that they devour everything too. Hey, why not.

Hell they saw off my upper torso, stuff it, and use it as an awesome gag for someone’s cabin. I would totally approve of it! Maybe send my ass to the Green Bay Packers and tell them to kiss it or something. (Actually sending my ass to a team named the Packers seems very uncomfortable…so never mind)

Perhaps I could donate my body to some super stressed out kid so they can take their aggression out on my carcass? I could be a stress carcass or something.

Why would I even think about doing something so disrespectful? Because it’s just a dead carcass. What’s the difference between having an army of maggots devouring myself inside an expensive casket compared to hungry alligators or stressed out kids or hungry pigs doing the same thing?

I think actually donating my body to some anatomy class would be the way to go. Then I could donate myself to science and brag to all the others in the afterlife. Maybe the class hottie will be so infatuated with my formaldehyded good looks and make out with me, my dead lifeless self. Eh, never mind that’s not really a fantasy.

I like the alligator idea though.


Aliecat said...

I plan on being cremated. It's much more cost effective and if you want your relatives to be able to visit your remains you can be interred at a mausoleum or you can also have the ashes buried in a cemetary. Everybody wins. You could also have yourself fed to pigs, they eat everything as well.

Anonymous said...

Caskets go inside concrete vaults in the gound! Caskets are not made to withstand the weight of dirt, that's what the vault is for.
Hey what about being creamated like the Vikings on a burning boat? Or on a scaffold made of sticks like the Indians, so the birds can pick you clean?