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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Fart Fantasies

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again


This morning I had plans on going to the gym and working on sculpting my guns. As it turns out, I just could not sleep last night and I woke up to the dreary looking piece of crap day we had. I guess I shouldn’t have had that last can of pop at 1am.

I then went back to sleep and had the most glorious dream ever.

I was sitting at a bench-like table eating lunch (like the old school lunch tables). I was talking amongst people when I blew ass. It wasn’t the typical quick fart but the lengthy, drawn out, two minute masterpiece where you end up being the center of attention. In the middle of the fart I looked around and the guy two people down from me was laughing his ass off at me because he could feel the 2.1 bench quake.

I’m pretty sure I had a nice dream grin on my face.

With that in mind I remember back when I was a kid living with my parents when I was tip-toeing down the hallway back to my room. I’ve always been a bit of a restless sleeper and I always need to walk around to grab a glass of milk or nowadays grabbing a bunch of olives, my newest addiction. I was tiptoeing down the hall with my parents room wide open so I was as quiet as could be. As I came up to my parents door I went even slower, taking each step with precision. I then slightly set my foot down right in front of the door and simultaneously my dad lets out the king of all farts. It was timed so perfectly that I could’ve stepped on a whoopee cushion.

After that I couldn’t help myself from laughing my ass off so I ran to my room and roared.

One of the best farting scenes came in Ghostworld when Steve Bucemi was having a heart to heart with his slob of a roommate. Steve is hating on the world over his women problems and his roommate says,
“Don’t worry, I’m sure there are other women.” then a couple seconds later he lets out a little ridiculous fart. It was perfect!


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