Search This Blog

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Dear God, I Hope you got the letter and
I pray that you can make it better down here.
I don't need a big reduction in the price of beer

I consider myself to be one that is very mild mannered and I don't get excited for much unless it's beautiful asses or transformers.  Other than that, I generally don't give much of a damn.

Tier one:  no difference.

This is where something random will go wrong and it could be big or small.  Usually for these instances I will say "shit happens" and move on.  My mood doesn't change at all, life goes on, and live and learn

Tier two:  bad mood

This is where one bad thing happens and multiple small things go wrong.  Usually they go hand in hand because I'll just be in a negative mood and noticeably troubled.  You might find me with my hands on my hips and shaking my head at this point.

Tier Three:  uneasy craziness

This is where everything is going wrong, where Murphy's law comes in to play and I want to outwardly kill Murphy.  The weird thing is that my mood is now better than tier two and it could appear that nothing is wrong.  In fact the whole shit storm of problems is hilarious to me and I'm waiting, yearning for that next thing that will go wrong so I can break into a giggling fit.  I'm almost afraid of my own sanity because at this point I could snap shut down.

I found the low coolant light on in my car.  No problem, just fill up the car with coolant.  After adding an entire gallon Tier one became apparent.  Something was very wrong with this because while I could understand adding a quart of coolant, I can't believe I would need to add a gallon without seeing any leaking. 

I called up my dad and added more until it was full.

Dad:  so everything is alright?
Boof:  I think so.  But where did all that coolant go.
Dad:  hmmm.  go check the dipstick

I checked the dipstick and the sight was probably one of the scariest things I have ever seen.  This thick poo color was caked on the dipstick.

Instantly Tier two was permanently all over me.  I knew I probably shoudn't drive the car anymore since it was now being lubricated with antifreeze so I parked it in the auto repair yard.

Yesterday I received a call from the shop

Guy:  ah yeah, well the head gasket is bad...
(blow one)
and usually with that the heads get cracked...
(blow two)
and I'm not done with the estimate yet but repairing all that would be about $2000-$2500  (as in two thousand- twenty-five hundred dollars) but I'll give you a call when i know more.

I instantly went into tier 3 and possibly beyond because I certainly felt kinda high and in a whole new world.  It was as if I was waiting to wake up.  Like I would look to the ceiling and say..."okaaaaay, alarm clock go off at anytime now"

I then got another phone call from the shop.

Guy:  Yeah I'm done with the estimate and it's going to be about $2600 plus tax

at this point I'm about ready to do a man faint.  This is also the perfect example of the difference between tier 2 and 3.

With tier 2 I would be yelling at the guy,


but instead I was like "woahhhh wuuhooooh spaghetti O's"  and completely out of it.  It was like I just had a lobotomy. 

So now I'm very numb and I feel really sick.  There's nothing I really could've done to spot the problem any earlier and 'when was the last time I had an oil change?' you may be asking?  It was about 2850 miles ago so I totally got screwed on the deal.

so.... yeah.  If you ever have a bad experience with car repairs...think of me and this last scenario.

With that being said, if anyone knows any funny jokes, videos, or pictures, or pictures of hot women I could certainly use them right about now.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Birthday '07

Shameless Sea
Aimlessly so blue
Midnight moon shines for you


Birthday 2007 was not as good as birthday 2006. 

Last year was kind of sweet in a way that only my family could resonate.  My brother bought me a really cool card, my dad got me money, and my mom bought me something so unbelievably weird (ceramic cows) that I just went with it.

This year was a let down.  I came home and my mom was all into her weight loss book where this guy says you need a series of shots.  My bro wanted to talk houses and my dad wanted to talk about work.  I guess all are good topics to talk about but I didn't get that weird present this year and didn't get any cake and no one sang happy birthday to me!  I feel kinda dumb for wanting it but I just think it's kind of sweet when you have the lights off with the candles while your family is singing happy birthday to you. 

Instead of cake my mom bought those cupcakes that people pretty much have to trample over when you first walk into a grocery store.  I was a bit annoyed with the cupcakes since I've always had Dairy Queen cake but oh well.

My bro got me a really nice 'The Office' talking card which I really liked.  My parents gave me a 'major league baseball' talking card which was cool too. I guess I can buy my own cake but I really missed the happy birthday song.  It's odd when it's not sung.  Oddly enough I did my mom's patented 'stupid present' too.  I was all ready for something so bizzare, something that she picked out of Goodwill that I was getting ready for it. 

At least this year I feel good about myself and not so down.  Last year (and previous years) it was always the motif that "uh oh, I'm getting older and I guess I need to start wearing tweed jackets with leather elbow pads" but not this year.

This year I say fuck the elbow pads and I'm happy to be 28.  I don't feel old at all and I'm ready to go out and eat dairy queen cake.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Naked Sunday

I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win.

First of all I would like to congratulate the city of Cleveland for holding the title of "loserville, USA".  I mean for how much our teams suck, at least we don't wait until we get deep in the playoffs to choke.  At least not lately.


Crap List

1.  Naked Sunday
I'm getting pretty sick of "naked Sunday" where my 45 year old roommate and the old neighbor people get together and drink and get naked.  It goes like this,

6:30pm:  Arrive home from watching football somewhere and having small talk with BJ Guy on how much the Vikings suck.  I then go to my room and watch more football.

7pm:  Neighbors arrive and the vodka and diet cokes get flowing

7:30pm:  I get hungry and decide to go to the grocery store to feast on delicious frozen pizza

7:45:  I get home and will probably run into BJ Guy being naked in the garage, kitchen, or the basement area right before the hot tub.  I then feel a little awkward and continue watching football.

9:30:  The party winds down and roommate and BJ Guy end up passing out in the living room or bedroom.

11:30:  I decide to start washing clothes and I catch them in the bathroom (my bathroom) with the door wide open, in the kitchen, or around the corner.  They get embarrassed or irritated and then walk away.

I can handle about one accidental naked glimpse in a year with really old and 'not-my-type-type of people but this is turning into a weekly thing and I'm bottling all this aggression until one day I blow up.


And believe me, if I was living with Sara Evans or that ballerina chick on the iphone commercials, that would be an incentive--a HUGE incentive--and I would be putting such a story in a Tuesday entry titled "I cannot stop masturbating". 

Please, wear some panties or a robe, or something that covers up your naked wrinkley ass bodies.

I guess there are some people that love being naked and I'm not one of them.  I can understand skinny dipping and the freedom and all that but I'm more comfortable in clothes.  I mean having a gonzo flopping around is not comfortable because you could slam a cupboard door on it or drop a knife somewhere in the vicinity of it.  Also when you watch tv it's like it's watching you with that one eye.

"I seem to grow whenever Cameron Diaz says 'sacks' and get smaller when she says 'shit soup', why is that"

"Quit talking to me you dick."

God I hate naked Sunday.

2.  The red flags

I guess it's good to get the red flags out of the way during a first date but it's like getting beat in poker. 

You're at a restaurant having really good conversation for the first 20 minutes.  You know the background of the person and she seems interesting enough until...
Date:  I think it's important to go to church every week.
Date:  I don't really listen to music.
Date on the phone:  I have a really flat ass.
Date:  I'm very much (insert hardcore political party here).

I keep getting the Price is Right loser tune whenever I hear something the red flag and I'm pretty sure I kinda shut down right after that.  Like I said, it's like poker in that you wish you could have a do-over and tell that person to not be so Republican or to make up some music that they like or to simply tell me that they have a nice round bubble butt that looks great in painted on jeans. 

Friday, October 19, 2007

Just Shut Up, Everyone!

You all know I'm a Vikings fan and you all know I am biased towards all of Minnesota sports.

With that being said,


You'd think the guy was Jesus, or Brett Favre, or the 2000-'03 St. Louis Rams or all combined.  This whole damn week people have honestly compared the guy to LaDanian Tomlinson, Barry Sanders, Jim Brown, and Eric Dickerson and I'm not exaggerating!  I pretty much had it when the Pioneer Press has "The Kid Who Saved the Vikings".

I know the 'kid' is leading the league in rushing and he looked really good against the Bears last week but let's drop the wiener and not get too caught up in things.  Lets wait until the guy plays--I dunno--ten games before we crown him as being the best back in the history of the NFL. 

Perhaps the Bears just aren't that good?  I mean a 2-4 Bears record doesn't exactly reflect greatness.

So if the guy posts 40 yards against the Cowboys let's not all kill ourselves.  Okay?

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Transformers Bits

Tougher than diamonds, rich like cream
Stronger and harder than a bad girl's dream
make a bad one good make a wrong one right
power of love that keeps you home at night


-When I read the Sunday advertisements I noticed that nearly every store had it's own Transformers giveaway.  Best Buy had a dumb comic, Circuit City had a dumb cap, and Target had a Deluxe Edition where the DVD case "transformed" into Optimus Prime. 

Which one would you pick?

The picture of the transforming DVD case looked kinda cool in the ad so I figured I'd buy the transforming DVD case.

In case you're thinking about buying it, don't.  It's a transformer like a chair that transforms into a chair that you can throw at a wall.  It's like a transformer for a really slow person.  Slower than me in fact.

-While I'm regaining my 2nd wind of Transformers goodness, I watched the commentary by Michael Bay hoping to hear about how the ideas came about.  I learned one thing about that commentary, Michael Bay is completely in love with Michael Bay.  In fact a couple times during the commentary it sounds like he's sucking on a popsicle but I'm sure it's his penis because he just cannot stop talking about how awesome he is. 

Despite my 2nd wind, I couldn't even finish the commentary because he was on point 58 out of 100 on why he's so awesome.  The man is the opposite of humble.

The man who directed Pearl Harbor and Armageddon isn't humble at all.  It takes a lot of arrogance to be that unhumble!

-I was talking to someone who is already fretting about Christmas.  She's got a bunch of nieces and nephews (ages 1-5) and she came to the conclusion that she's going to buy them savings bonds. 

I'm trying to remember what I was like at 5 (basically down about 5 pixie sticks and 10 mountain dews) and how I would react about receiving a savings bond.  I think the words, "Christmas", "Ever", "Worst" may be yelled in some denomination and a few may be shed tears if that's what I received from my aunt. 

Five year olds don't even know what saving is.  Saving is nearly taboo at Five.  If not then your kid is going to grow up to be a nerd.

-ALCS game 4, Boston is down 7-2 when Manny Ramirez hits a solo shot.  With his team still down by four Manny admires his shot over the center field fence with arms stretched.  He then slowly walks to first for his home run trot.  Again, his team is still down by 4.
It sounds like a spoof on SNL or something better but the fact that it's Manny and he's serious about it is both hilarious and disturbing at the same time.

Yes! Now we're only a grand slam behind!  Everyone bow in my presence!

-Next Saturday we're going to Gasthaus for 1)My birthday and 2) Halloween.  If you decide to go, just look for Jamie Hyneman from Mythbusters because that's who I'm dressing up as.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Shoe Bitching

And when they've given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all, it's not easy
Banging your heart against some mad buggers wall

Crap List

1.  Chuck Taylor All Star Sneakers.
I'm not one to know much about fashion.  In fact I really don't care.  The brown shoes with black pants red flag is mostly lost on me, the rule of colors between memorial and Labor day is mostly something I just snicker at, and 'popping the collar' is just completely douchebaggy and stupid. 
That being said there are a few things that I really can't stand.  One is the goofy bow tie and that one person that has to stick out by wearing his green polka dot bow tie.  I understand the need to be different and being an individual and everything but don't be 'that guy'.  I always have this sense that "that guy" and, I don't know, say child molestation or child porn or Hannibal Lector have some sort of a link but I don't know.

My next fashion pet peeve is the Chuck Taylor All Stars.  The way I see it, there is absolutely no need to wear these ugly ass shoes unless you're trying to act like a basketball player in the 50's or simply be a dork.  I'm seeing way too many people wearing something very nice with some dress pants or khakis and then there's the stupid god damn Chuck Taylors. 

What is the message that you're sending? 
That you're trying to be cool or different?  Because you might as well be wearing a bow tie because it's not cute.  You're not George Mikan.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Sharp Left Turn

You've got the money maker
They showed the money to you
You showed them what you can do

I must say, I'm in a malaise type mode.  I'm not getting excited about the little things, I don't find myself getting really, really hyper lately, and I'm sleeping a hell of a lot.  It's not that I'm depressed or anything it's just that I feel like I'm on that car on the Tilt-O-Whirl that doesn't seem to spin around really fast.  Instead it just kinda hugs the tracks and goes with the flow.

I suppose it's a nice change of pace from the past couple months where there never seemed to be enough hours in the day to do everything but...

Okay changing gears a bit.  I just saw a picture of Susanna Hoffs and I want to do a comparison to her and Sara Evans


Susanna Hoffs Vs. Sara Evans

Susanna Hoffs comes from The Bangles who some say she ruined them like Phil Collins ruined Genesis, but music schmusic-we're talking about ass here.  The band that Hoffs was leading was one of those chick party hard type of bands where THEY would be the one's throwing baloney on GUYS asses instead of the other way around.  Hoffs is about the same age as my roommate (why oh why couldn't I have been Susanna Hoff's roommate?) and she's definitely in the MILF category.

Sara Evans is one of the hottest country singers around and her newest video 'as if' is about as good as it gets when it comes to Evans.  She's sings country which isn't too bad and probably has a better voice than Hoffs.  Away from music she has appeared on Dancing with the Stars which I haven't seen and she's known for whining about her hardcore republican politician ex-husband on how he whacks off.  The blemishes with Evans is that she's hardcore Christian which I've always seen as kinda boring and it doesn't fit with my imagination with her being outfitted in tight red leather but whatever, it's my imagination.  She's also a milf but a younger milf than Hoffs.

With that being said... I'll take both if I can.  haha

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Leavin' Crap

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone

Crap List

1.  Friends moving away.
I'm a guy that values my solitude more than others.  With that being said my friends are the pillars that I can depend on whenever I need some sort of a release.  Whenever I get cabin fever staying at home, I can always depend on someone to watch the game with or to see a movie with.  I wouldn't say that I have a ton of friends nor would I say that I need a whole lot of friends but the ones I do have, I really do appreciate them.

This month two of my "inner core" of friends have already or will move away.  Just reading that last sentence is staggering to me.  It gives me that anxiety type fear that I usually get when everything seems to go wrong.

For Raymond I never honestly thought he would go away.  I remember having this conversation with him,

Boof:  So have you decided on where you're going to work?
Raymond:  Yeah I'm going to be a truck driver.
Boof:  haha nice
Raymond:  I'm serious.  I'm going to Tennessee in couple weeks for training

I never honestly believed him until he left and gave me the text that he was now a Tennesean and that his permanent residence was in TN.  That's when it hit me. 

I never believed that he'd move away because it seemed like a very impulsive move for a very non-impulsive person.  I mean Raymond has never been away from his family, his hardcore-close-knit Italian family and now he was by himself in Tennessee?  I can see some people doing this but Raymond was the last person. 

I feel really bad that he left without any kind of a going away party or any sort of 'water in the face' realization that he was going for good. 

The next person is T who I had met at the U of M.  T and I are big college football fans and we always find ourselves at a bar on Saturdays watching the Gophers lose.  Most importantly T would always be there for when I had frustrations in life and school or that one annoying person who we both couldn't stand.

T is leaving at the end of the month and because of Raymond, I'm preparing for T's move and how she wont be around anymore. 

It just flat-out sucks.  I'm really happy for them in that they're finding out what their niche is but It sucks that something is sort of coming to an end.  It's almost like a death-like category because suddenly I don't have the option of going to see the Gophers with T or playing football with Raymond.  Those options are now gone. 

I'm pretty sure both have no idea about how much I'm going to miss them and the thought that both are going to be gone soon almost puts me in a panic. 

It's just really sad and puts everything in perspective. 

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Grilling Bits

leave me out with the waste this is not what i do
it's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you

-I probably had the first nightmarish type of dream in years the other day.  It started out with me climbing up the buildings at my place of employment and me smashing them (Rampage style) until one-by-one they tumbled to the ground.  I was a bit possessed at the time for some reason.  It's like how you have a bag of fireworks and you just want to see if you can blow up a cup of gas.

Anyway I snapped out of it and I realized I destroyed part of my place of employment.  I then walked up to my boss and asked,
Boof: So uh, what do ya think?
Boss:  Well, obviously you can't come back here anymore.

And then I started to feel sad for getting fired and destroying a bunch of stuff.  As the dream went on I began to wonder what I will do for a job and how I'm going to relate with this.  This part of the dream went on waaay too long as far as I'm concerned.  Like practical joke-way too long. 

I then woke up and it actually took me about 20 seconds to realize that it was a dream.  I was actually relieved that I didn't destroy or kill anyone.  What's weird is that I slept from 2am to 11am without waking up between.  I usually always wake up about 4 times throughout my slumber.  It was heavy man!

-Last week team Giggity Giggity netted zero points from their running backs.  That includes the four other running backs on the bench too.  Probably not a good sign.

-That dude was totally safe on Monday night.  That ump should be fired or fined.

-My roommate is now noticeably bitter about me leaving in 3 months.  I'm pretty sure she had my future rent money already spent for something else and I completely screwed up her plans.  What really gets me is that when I told her about my notice she asked,
Roommate:  Is it because of Me and [BJ Guy]?

Which is insinuating that she knows that there could be a chance that 'they' could be the reason.  If so, why even have sex in the garage?  Why have sex in the garage that we both clearly use?  On top of that, why grill naked when you know that I always come out of hibernation whenever I smell something cooking on the grill?  I'll stop in from 20 miles away and it turns out they're grilling. 

Monday, October 01, 2007

Rattling the Hornet's nest

Shall we get into fights
Leave the lights on
Drop bombs
Do tours of the East
Contract diseases

Warning:  I'll probably piss off some people here with this particular entry so...don't take it too personally.

Yesterday was the first day of awesomeness as far as I'm concerned.  Yesterday was the first day the no smoking ban went into effect for the entire state of Minnesota and for me being a non-smoker this is music to my ears. 

No more of the wandering smoke from a smoker or the burning eyes from a smoke filled room.  No more of someone turning their head to exhale right in front of you.

It's about damn time.

I must admit though that I probably do agree with rebuttal about the government telling a private business what to an extent but for me this ruling is just for my own selfish desire not to put up with smokers in a bar that I want to sit in.  I mean I didn't agree with the Hennepin county banning or the Ramsey county banning.  Then you have all the smoker retreating toward the suburbs in order to find a bar that does allow smoking (which sounds kinda crazy if you ask me).  I don't care about the health effects of smoking or smokers.  I just want to come home and not smell like an ash tray.  I mean if you're doing something that bugs other people, take whatever you're doing out to where you wont be bugging people.  It's that easy!  It's common courtesy as far as I'm concerned.  When I have a phone call I walk out of the room so I'm not bugging anyone with my conversation.

I don't care if none of the smokers decide to quit just do whatever you're going to do in a place where I (or anyone else) will have to put up with it.

We can debate the topic all we want but the bottom line is...US NON-SMOKERS WON BITCHES!  Smokers, take your smoke and go outside and quit bitching!  No one is stopping anyone from smoking.  Just do it in a designated place.  It's too cold outside?  Then grab a jacket. After all we live in Minnesota and when I first step into my car in the morning it can get cold too.  Do I whine about that?  No, because who the hell is going to listen anyway.

In a year or two from now the whole idea of smoking in a bar is going to seem so foreign that it's a wonder how we ever accepted it in the first place.  After all, it was allowed in the work place for awhile and now it's hard to even imagine!

If you revolting smokers are going to strike by not buying anything on Saturday then I'm going to make it a point to buy EVERYTHING on Saturday. 

We won smokers, take your rebuttal and bitching outside and complain to all the other smokers while lighting one. 

Maybe next we can find a place outside for people with bad gas.

It happened again!

Words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
They slither while they pass
They slip away across the universe

Crap List

1. It happened again!
For those who don't remember, give this and this a good read before you move on.

Yesterday at around 5:30 I decided I was going to tell my roommate that I was handing in my 90 day notice. If I don't hand in my notice then I'll never have the motivation to find a friggen hizzy and live in it. Add to the fact that my architecture career lasted one week and with that I have a better idea of what I want to do. All I had left was to tell the roommate.

I had been hearing my roommate and BJ guy walking around upstairs so I knew they were around. I walked upstairs and couldn't find them so I thought I would look in the garage since the garage is awesome as hell to watch tv. I opened the door and there was my roommate who was sleeping on the chair and BJ guy passed out over the chair and on top of her lower stomach.

Or were they?

Then I heard panting and BJ's head was slightly moving.

Oh crap.

BJ Guy was on the wrong end of a BJ. BJ guy was eating out my roommate in, once again, the garage.

I closed the door and wanted to blow chunks. The thing about this is, I leave through the garage and they know that I leave at odd times throughout the day. Therefore when I open up the door and I see two people with the combined age of 97 sucking on genitalia I think that may be a bit inappropriate. After all YOU DO HAVE A BEDROOM!

I would even be alright with BJ Guy popping his head in my door and saying,
BJ Guy: Hey, I'm going to be bent over a chair and eating out J in the garage so...could you be a treat and leave through the front door?
Boof: Okay got it. Sexual acts by old people being had in the garage. Don't go in. Got it.

But again, the garage? Would any woman let their guy 'take out the garbage' in the garage?

Oh but it doesn't end there. After I got through trying to sanitize my body of such a scene I decided to head over to the grocery store for some frozen pizza. The garage was half open because they have this heater that runs on propane and they were using the grill all while watching tv and screwing. My car, being parked outside the half opened garage, has the running lights that automatically kick in during the day. I turn the ignition in my car, the lights come on, and the lights shine on these pasty white asses in the garage.

I then shielded my face and put on my sunglasses to protect my eyes from whatever fecal white rays that pasty white asses emit. Actually living in a place that has 2 tanning beds there really is no excuse to having pasty white asses.
There's no excuse to having exposed asses in the garage either.

I have no problem with this in the garage if roommate is Sara Evans and she happens to be going out with Salma Hayek in which case I would never EVER leave the house but they're not Sara Evans and/or Salma Hayek. In fact they're not even close and that's very unfortunate in my situation.

It does bring up some really weird coincidences such as the day I moved in I found her going down on him and the day I decide to move out he's going down on her. Both in the garage.


2. Across the Universe

First some background
Musicals: I hate them. I can't stand the singing and dancing and the "I'M HAPPY, I'M SO HAP, HAP, HAPPY!" I think there's a great way to mix song and story with the final product being cool just that the "musicals" don't do this.
Beatles: I'm a luke warm fan. I know about Pete Best, the Cavern Club, Presley being their deep inspiration, and Yoko Ono. I'm not the best person to ask about Beatles stuff but I can definitely hold my own in Beatles trivia.

Across the Universe is a musical-type-thing based off the music of the Beatles. When I saw the trailer I completely fell in love with the idea. A movie based off of the music of the Beatles. Half the movie is already completed as far as I'm concerned. With these types of songs and breadth and depth of the music there is nearly a guarantee of about ten "moments" within the movie. Add the fact that Bono and Joe Cocker appear and sing in the movie and I'm nearly exploding with anticipation.

This movie sucked a god damn ass load

Good movies have character development, a good plot with subplots, and a great use of of the score. This movie had the score, no character development, and barely any story. This movie was nothing more than an excuse to play Oasis' versions of Beatles songs for, sometimes, no apparent reason.

Why was there a character of Prudence? Was it because there was one Beatles song that featured someone by the name of Prudence? Because other than that there was no reason why she should've been in the movie. Then there's Sadie and the Jimi Hendrix fellow who just kinda hung out for most of the movie. They had every opportunity to give a new spin on classic Beatles songs and all were either okay or stupid. The only song that stood out was 'Come Together' and that's because it featured Joe Cocker and he kicked some serious ass.

I'm not a huge Beatles fan but I was I would be thoroughly pissed about this movie. In fact I was thoroughly pissed at this movie. They ruined it! They really need a mulligan for this movie. A do-over where they bring in new, better writers who can actually visualize something better than this piece of crap.

With a movie off of the Beatles I would hope someone comes up with something so amazing that it gets checked and double checked by the hardest core Beatle fans first before it would be approved.