I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win.
First of all I would like to congratulate the city of Cleveland for holding the title of "loserville, USA". I mean for how much our teams suck, at least we don't wait until we get deep in the playoffs to choke. At least not lately.
1. Naked Sunday
I'm getting pretty sick of "naked Sunday" where my 45 year old roommate and the old neighbor people get together and drink and get naked. It goes like this,
6:30pm: Arrive home from watching football somewhere and having small talk with BJ Guy on how much the Vikings suck. I then go to my room and watch more football.
7pm: Neighbors arrive and the vodka and diet cokes get flowing
7:30pm: I get hungry and decide to go to the grocery store to feast on delicious frozen pizza
7:45: I get home and will probably run into BJ Guy being naked in the garage, kitchen, or the basement area right before the hot tub. I then feel a little awkward and continue watching football.
9:30: The party winds down and roommate and BJ Guy end up passing out in the living room or bedroom.
11:30: I decide to start washing clothes and I catch them in the bathroom (my bathroom) with the door wide open, in the kitchen, or around the corner. They get embarrassed or irritated and then walk away.
I can handle about one accidental naked glimpse in a year with really old and 'not-my-type-type of people but this is turning into a weekly thing and I'm bottling all this aggression until one day I blow up.
"FOR THE LOVE OF ADRIAN PETERSON, GET SOME GOD DAMNED CLOTHES ON. YOUR 50 YEAR OLD NAKED BODIES SHOULD NOT BE ANYWHERE NEAR PUBLIC AND IF I WANT TO WACK OFF PROPERLY, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR SAGGY BREASTS! QUIT BEING NAKED!"
And believe me, if I was living with Sara Evans or that ballerina chick on the iphone commercials, that would be an incentive--a HUGE incentive--and I would be putting such a story in a Tuesday entry titled "I cannot stop masturbating".
Please, wear some panties or a robe, or something that covers up your naked wrinkley ass bodies.
I guess there are some people that love being naked and I'm not one of them. I can understand skinny dipping and the freedom and all that but I'm more comfortable in clothes. I mean having a gonzo flopping around is not comfortable because you could slam a cupboard door on it or drop a knife somewhere in the vicinity of it. Also when you watch tv it's like it's watching you with that one eye.
"I seem to grow whenever Cameron Diaz says 'sacks' and get smaller when she says 'shit soup', why is that"
"Quit talking to me you dick."
God I hate naked Sunday.
2. The red flags
I guess it's good to get the red flags out of the way during a first date but it's like getting beat in poker.
You're at a restaurant having really good conversation for the first 20 minutes. You know the background of the person and she seems interesting enough until...
Date: I think it's important to go to church every week.
Date: I don't really listen to music.
Date on the phone: I have a really flat ass.
Date: I'm very much (insert hardcore political party here).
I keep getting the Price is Right loser tune whenever I hear something the red flag and I'm pretty sure I kinda shut down right after that. Like I said, it's like poker in that you wish you could have a do-over and tell that person to not be so Republican or to make up some music that they like or to simply tell me that they have a nice round bubble butt that looks great in painted on jeans.