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Sunday, November 18, 2007

Boston Sickness

Haven't you heard it's a battle of words
The poster bearer cried
Listen son, said the man with the gun
There's room for you inside

 

Crap List

1.  The New England Patriots
There was once a time where I actually sided with most of Boston sports.  A time where I sympathized with the losing, the hatred toward New York, and even the heartbreak.  The humbleness that would be Boston sports was like rooting for the little guy to beat the favorite.  I loved stuff like this bit.  I rooted for the Sox in '04, the Patriots pretty much every year they went to the Superbowl and the Celtics. 

Then they all started winning like fucking mad.  The Celtics are like 9-1, the Patriots are playing video game football, and the Red Sox won the World Series.  Thus, my hatred for New York teams has been waning and now I'm starting to exert the hatred towards Boston. 

Take the Patriots for example they score 40 points every game.  Now for every team that has a prolific offense I get very bitter towards that team.  I hated--HATED-- the St. Louis Rams and all that 'Greatest Show on Turf' utter bullshit and sure enough I'm getting the start of that hatred toward this Patriots team.  It's all because of that '98 Vikings team and how they were the ones to play video game football only to lose it in the end.  We had that awesome offense!  We should have all the glory!  We should've beat the damn falcons and their dirty bird crap!

Anyway,

Take last night for example.  Video game football in play with Brady just throwing it to Moss and the poor, poor stupid Bills defense doesn't know how to cover Randy Moss.  You'd think after two touchdowns that they'd stop picking on the Bills and give it to someone like...hmmm...like Laurence Maroney.  But no, Moss left, Moss right, Moss down the middle--it's seriously that kid who runs up the score on video game football.

And I understand the whole 'there's no such think as running up the score in football' argument.  A team can get something going and make a game out of it.  Not with the Patriots though.  The Patriots can do whatever they want against a defense. 

What are they supposed to do being up by 40 in the 3rd quarter?  Kneeling the ball would be a bit of an insult but so would keeping in the starters and having them continue to kick ass too. 

My solution:  bring in a bunch of Make a Wish kids and suit them up to play the Bills.  Make the offensive line work their ass of to literally protect the life of little Billy who is terminally ill.  The kid can say they were a part of a Patriots dynasty and if they don't live through the game, well they went with glory!

Or better yet...FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST PUT IN MARONEY!  I drafted him thinking he would be rushing more than ten times a game and I'm getting mighty pissed off.  Have Maroney and Moss switch jerseys or something.  Just to screw around with the other team.

So now that I've established my distain for the Patriots I want to address the who's who of Boston sports personalities.  I'm talking about Denis Leary, Bill Simmons, and Paul Fitzgerald.  I loved listening to all of them for the heartbreak and the hatred towards New York sports.  I reveled in them complaining about the Sox and their comic routines with Boston sports being the punchline.

Now those same guys are pretty annoying with their sherry and gloating and their "Hey, I predict another Boston victory this weekend...FOR EVERYTHING!!! bwahahahhahahahahahah Wins for everyone!  Yay!!!"  Bill Simmons has his weekly article on how great the Patriots and Celtics are and it drives me nuts.  It's not even entertaining.  At least Packer fans who bend on one knee to the sight of Brett Favre is entertaining--that's like 'going to the zoo' entertaining.  This Boston orgy fest is vomit worthy.

The worst part about all this Boston love fest though is all the ex Minnesota players on all these winning teams.  David Ortiz with the Red Sox, Kevin Garnett with the Celtics, and Randy Moss with the Patriots(hell, throw in Manny Fernandez with the Bruins).  THEY WERE ALL HERE AT THE SAME TIME AND WE SUCKED.

So Boston is successful and guys are talking about it, what do you want them to do?
I want a major music festival in the form of a roast with Boston being the main butt of it.  I want a variety of different acts and I want all those musicians to give their distaste for Boston sports before each song.
Sarah McLachlan:  This next one goes out to everyone but people who root for Boston.  It's called Angel.

Then I want all those comedians: Leary, Simmons, and Fitzy to all stand in front of everyone with their hands in their pockets and apologize.  Just like their comedy acts started out when Boston sucked. 
Leary:  ah hehehe well, ah sorry about all the ass kicking.  We just wanted one championship not 5 hehe.

For that matter if the Packers and Patriots are in the superbowl I will probably be sick.

2.  "Music is my boyfriend"
ARGH SHUT UP! 

I'm talking about the Iphone commercials with this new age and upbeat tune with some annoying voice telling us about what music is to her.

Music is my girlfriend
Music is my king sized bed...

And it never seems to stop.  That commercial is constantly being played and I do believe that song is ten times more annoying than "This is our country" by John Mellencamp.  Enough already, I can't afford a stupid Iphone so stop shoving my face in it.

The song is just the type of tortorous music I can't take either.  The really fast beat and the severe lack for a genuine voice (at least in my opinion).  I like music that is allowed to expand that centers around the voice and includes some good guitar, piano, and a nice comfortable beat.  This "music is my boyfriend" is so fast that I don't understand if one is supposed to dance to it, groove with it somehow, or lipsync.  I can't imagine anyone attempting to lip sync such a stupid song without losing ten dignity points. 

Moral of the story:  bring back that dancer woman who talked about her iphone.  She was easy on the eyes and it didn't contain a really, really stupid song.

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