Search This Blog

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

New Roommate?

You slide down into the seat
From twelve hours on your feet
And get the tide to wash you away
For thousands and thousands of days



Phone rings…
J: Tom, I want to know how you feel about another roommate.
Boof: uh, I uh…huh?
J: L really needs a place to stay and I offered my place for her temporarily.
Boof: are you asking me to move out?
J: bwahhahahaha no, oh no! She’d take the top room and you’d continue paying me--living in your place.
Boof: oh alright, that’s cool. Who is this person?
J: We’ll she’s a woman--
Boof: oooooh yeah?
J:--who is 50 years old--
Boof: oh ugh

Which would make the combined age of my roommates at about 95 years old. Not exactly my ideal situation of living as Sara Evan’s love slave in the mountains but at least the rent would be cheaper.

I suppose it would be like living with a couple lesbians…and a BJ guy and be really weird, and it would automatically make any other female way more attractive (that’s assuming the 50 year old is not a hot piece of ass) and it would also make me feel really young.

So there would definitely be some benefits but I want too look at the negatives.

-Two women living together. If I know anything about women it’s that women just can not live together. At all. I remember at scout camp we’d take crayfish and put two in a coffee can and watch them fight. Basically women are the same god damn way. Two guys together, no biggie. Two women together and you may as well string some ropes and a giant stage so everyone can see the rumble mania about to unfold.
I was talking to BJ guy today about this whole thing

Boof: So, two women living together
BJ: yeah….NOT a good ideal.
Boof: yeah? What do you think will happen?
BJ: Ahhhhh nothing good. I can tell you that much
Boof: bit of a cat fight?
BJ: yeah or if you’re a fan of bitching and moaning, imagine that in stereo!
Boof: dear god!
BJ: yeah.

And that’s a perfect example, me and BJ guy: we started out with him yelling violently at me and progressed into having a good conversation of “guy talk”.

-Apparently this new roommate has been extremely needy and very dependent. Dependant to the point where she’s never had to live on her own and has never had roommates. My landlord talked to her about potential arrangements and the newbie wanted me to jockey the cars around when I get home after midnight.

Envisioned midnight w/ new roommate
-park my car on the side of the road
-find keys to newbies car.
-park her car out on the street
-park my car in the garage
-walk to newbies car and park her car behind mine in the garage.


Ah haaaaaaaaa….FUCK NO!!!

She pretty much demanded this of me.

So that pretty much sucks.


Last night my landlord met with newbie about the arrangements and apparently this little meeting they had didn’t go well. My landlord (45 female) first touched on the car arrangements and newbie (50 female) didn’t care for it. Landlord then got pissed off. Newbie got pissed off. BJ guy sat and listened to the whole show and now I guess I’m not getting a new roommate.

Thank god

I think the women/crayfish deal worked in our favor this time since they decidedly couldn’t play nice enough for move-in day.

So now rent is back up to where it was. Damn.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Oh How I Miss Baseball

Whatever happened to
The life that we once knew
Can we really live without each other?

Crap List

1. People who have to park behind you in the driveway.

So I have a space reserved for me in the garage and my roommate (the owner) has the other spot. When BJ guy parks in the parking lot he usually parks behind my roommate. Great, doesn’t affect me and I couldn’t give a damn if I tried. Sometimes, though, he’ll park behind me which has always frustrated the crap outta me.

Summer 2003, the hizzy
I was in the middle of my marathon training and I always ran my “long run” on Saturdays because it was just convenient that way. I wake up, drink my much needed amount of water, grab my radio, my assortment of Gatorade and water bottles, and carefully took time to think of anything else that I needed. I had to move quickly because I needed to run as much as I could before it really got hot out.
I walk outside…
“Fucking god damn shit! Why does she do that? FAAAAAK!” My roommate decided to park right behind me because apparently the street (about less than 20 feet away) was too far to walk. That or she may have thought there was a snow emergency in August so she would steer clear of that by parking in the driveway.
I dunno.

So that whole situation causes me to try to control myself, knock on her door, and try not to give the impression that I’m mad.
Knock, knock
Knock, knock

Faaaak, she’s not even around. UGH!!!

I just cannot understand how or why some people don’t just park on the street. Does 25 yards (if that) really make much of a difference--and don’t think about football.

I dunno, maybe 25 yards is too much for people to walk. If so… good god.

2. War movies
I will come out right now and say that war movies absolutely have no effect on me. Basically it’s to the point where I could probably come out with some sort of a war movie with the US involved and critics would give it 3-4 stars based on a weird form of McCarthyism. It would be considered anti-American/VFW if I didn’t like a particular war movie.

I did see Letters from Iwo Jima and the movie wasn’t necessarily bad--I’m not saying that--but they just are all similar. They’re like football movies in which every movie is like Remember the Titans which is probably like another football movie. Or it’s like space movies in which almost any movie about space completely copies Apollo 13 down to the point that the same actors are involved.

War movies always have these traits

1. Some historic perspective: They always show real war clips of the soldiers running on the beach or hiding behind the bunker.
2. Characters from all over the country: obviously they have to but it’s just like Forrest Gump in which there’s a guy named Tex and some guy named “Zeke” and another guy named “Bud” and they’re all distinctly different

3. There’s absolutely no women in these movies: Say what you want but I’m a big fan of women: I listen to mostly women in music, I fantasize about women, and women make me…happy. Therefore, I need women (hot women preferably) in any movie. In Iwo Jima they had a total of about 2 women. If there are women they’re usually on a dock waving a handkerchief and crying.

4. Tons of artillery being shot off: again, totally understandable but this is the equivalent of someone clicking a pen next to me.

And yadda-yadda-yadda. Iwo Jima wasn’t bad--It was a bit interesting having a new perspective on things with the movie giving the Japanese side of things, but it’s still a war movie.

I will say this though, Glory is pretty awesome. I believe war movies begin and end with Glory but that’s probably because I like the racial prejudice type of movies.

3. $4 for a coke at Twinsfest
Twinsfest is just like any marathon expo where they make you attend just to collect your bib and numbers. Twins fest marks the first time tickets go on sale for the 2007 season and they have all the ballplayers out to give autographs, booths with radio stations, and it’s the upper midwests largest card show. It sounds like a gimmick and it’s even $10 to get in BUT you get a free twins ticket with the admission. And it’s not just any ticket, it’s a $20 valued ticket too so it pays to go there!

But amongst the booths, they have the typical ballpark café where they serve typical ballpark stuff: chips, beer, pretzels, hot dogs, and popcorn. I actually thought that prices would be somewhat cheaper since there didn’t seem to be any fund raiser involved with the concessions and it’s the middle of January. Nope, $4 for a damn 20oz. Of Coke. $4! Now that’s about a 400% profit on the a damn bottle of pop.
I know it’s no different than a typical ball game but this isn’t a typical ballgame! People paid $10 for crap and most of their money is going to charity so why not give the crowd a bit of a break.

Come on, why can’t that $.75 RC Cola booth at the State Fair just come to the places that I go to.

Baaah!

Friday, January 26, 2007

NYC

No matter how he tried,
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain


This is the time of year where I plan for things to do. I try to come up with some ideas for the summertime--if nothing else but to dream.

This year I have determined that I want to go to New York and see a Yankees/Twins game. “The house that Ruth built” will be gone after the 2008 season and if I don’t see a game there, I will definitely regret it for the rest of my life.

Lil Billy: Daddy, why didn’t you ever make it to New York to see Yankee Stadium?
Boof: Uh… well, see, your daddy just didn’t have the ambition or the initiative to go there.
Lil’ Billy: Daddy, why were you so stupid?
Boof: I uh…GO TO YOUR ROOM!

So the way I see it the Twins are in NY from July 2-5 and I would like to go to two games if possible. I’ve already been to NY twice before but I wouldn’t mind seeing the 9/11 memorial and perhaps a walk down times square but I would definitely like to see more baseball around the east coast.

With that being said, I’d love to go to Boston and see Fenway and they’re home from June 29-July 5th so I would have to go to Boston first.

Plane ticket to Boston…. $130
Plane ticket outta NY…..$130
Tickets………………….$150 (roughly)
Buses, taxicabs, subways ect…$100 (?)
Room………………..$$$

For rooms I’m hoping I could find a vacant bridge to sleep under or perhaps one of those Super bags of Doritos. For rooms I’m trying to see if I have a long lost sister that happens to live in NYC/Boston so I could shack up with her and perhaps cook breakfast for compensation. I hate paying for hotel rooms but I will if I need to. Still, a Super bag of Doritos sounds just as good with it being free. Hell, I could take my tent out there and simply sleep in that if A) there are such things as lawns in the east coast and B) if anyone lets me.

So we’re looking at around $600 depending on a bunch of things but damn, I need to do it!
The whole idea gets me pumped!

For that matter, if anyone is interested in coming along or have any connections... just look me up!

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Moneybits

Well he must have been a looker - smooth talkin' son of a gun
For such a grounded girl - to just up and run
Course you can't fence time - and you can't stop love


-I finally got around to reading Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game by Michael Lewis. Moneyball follows the Oakland A’s general manager around and examines how a pro baseball team can win with a quarter of the payroll as some other teams have.

It’s actually very interesting because instead of scouting players, the A’s GM relies purely on a computer and stats. On base percentage (OBP) is basically the end all, say all stat in terms of hitters. The theory is if a player can get on base, the chance for scoring runs improves dramatically.

Lewis lays it out so easy that I was found myself reading the book thinking, ‘why the hell didn’t I think of that?’. I mean I already knew that batting average was mostly crap and that a pitcher’s win-loss record was horseshit but damn, on base percentage makes perfect sense.

The most satisfying part of the book was when the Twins beat the A’s in the playoffs and Lewis pretty much skims that part of the season which is understandable.

One item that I don’t necessarily agree on is his and Bill James (the king sabermatician) opinion on sac flies and sac bunts are a detriment to the team. I don’t understand how sacrificing one out instead of two is a detriment. Also it’s explained in the book the reason why the A’s lost to the Twins was because they gave up too many runs. Well, I still believe it’s because they screwed up their pitching rotation to only have Barry Zito pitch once in a five game series. I mean what the hell were they thinking? He was the Cy Young award winner that year!

-As part of my newly found addiction to international competition I found out that the online store for last years World Baseball Classic has all of their merchandise on clearance. I’ve already bought a South Africa hooded sweatshirt and a Johan Santana Venezuelan jersey from the WBC so after finding out that hooded sweatshirts went from $50 to $20, I had to score up another sweatshirt. Japan was one country they had in stock and they won it all last year so I got myself a phat $20 Japan hooded sweatshirt.

-I have just discovered Panera Bread and specifically the cream of chicken and wild rice in a sourdough bowl is about as awesome as anything can ever be. I think I saw a skit on Sesame Street with Cookie Monster eating a plate of cookies (plate and all) and I thought, “hmmm I wanna eat a plate too”

Now I can safely eat a the bowl to go along with the soup. It’s ever Sesame St. dream

-I find it hard to type “Sesame Street” for some odd reason. It defies everything I have been taught in typing with the home keys and everything. Sesame Street. Weird.

-Exactly how long do we give the lifetime of newspapers? I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about how print media is dying and I can definitely see it. I’m wondering if newspapers will be around in ten or twenty years.

I’m almost thinking no and certainly not in 30 years.

-With the recent acquisition of Lane Kiffen, 31 who just signed on as head coach of the Raiders, I would like to offer my services to any team willing to hire an energetic (loopy mostly), enthusiastic (thank you caffeine), and innovative (bull headed) twenty something who be a wonderful addition to any baseball team. After reading Moneyball I understand that players out of college are better than high schoolers, on base percentage is the only stat that I need to look at, and I know how to surf the web.
Plus, I’m cheap too. I’d take half of what the lowest paid GM makes.

-I find it really disturbing that the person who found the St. Paul Winter Carnival medallion was tipped off by someone who considers themselves the “medallionator” (or something). Apparently Medallionator was digging around Hidden Falls when he had to go to work. That’s when whatshisface comes up and Medallionator come up to him and says, “the medallion is here somewhere”. Three hours later it’s found and Medallionator doesn’t even care and is even happy because he just wants the credit for finding it never mind the $10,000 that is granted towards the finder.

There are a lot more nerds that I thought that look for that medallion but it is somewhat fun.

I remember one year as the clues were coming in, my parents would keep telling me in the morning--when I’m my grumpiest--that the medallion was probably at Harriet Island near the yacht club--I worked at the St. Paul Yacht Club for about 5 years--and that I should look there.

After about a week of having that same annoying conversation every morning, sure enough the fucking medallion was found at Harriet Island exactly where my parents thought it would be.

Ah well.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Burned

I've crossed the last line
from where I can't return
where every step I took in faith
betrayed me
and led me from my home


August 2006


I was riding the light rail on Hiawatha Blvd on to Nicollet mall to meet the woman who I had been dating. K and I had been dating for about a month and things seemed to be getting better and better with each passing week. Interestingly (or sadly-- however you figure) it was the first real hint of a relationship I had been a part of in a long time. K was a driven woman with high aspirations of being the best at everything she could possibly do. She would put family and friends number one and still had a drive to be the best at everything. It was rather inspiring and I felt like I had to match that somehow someway. K was very attractive with her eyes being the most attractive asset. As far as I was concerned, she was keeper.

With me working afternoons and her working “normal people hours” it was a bit difficult to see each other but we would make ever opportunity to do so even if it was just for an hour over lunch. We had some really good dates in the past--most notably at a Twins game in which the Twins came from behind to beat the Brewers. It was one of those nights that an aura was cast around us and every little thing seemed to take place and enhance the date. Also another night in which we simply watched movies and did the little things that mark the start of a potential relationship was a bit memorable.

Things were going good to say the least and now I was on the train to see her. I hadn’t seen K in about a week because our schedules just wouldn’t match up so I was anticipating seeing her and giving her back the movie that she insisted that I bring over. Before hand we exchanged emails,

Along with the movie I brought a small gift that I got her for her birthday which was a couple days ago. It wasn’t anything expensive or big or anything but just a small gesture to brighten her day a bit. I like to try to surprise people like that.

So I get off the train and wait for K to show up, she shows up and we embrace. We head over to the local pizza place and immediately start into conversation.

Normal conversations between us seemed genuine and pleasant before but this one seemed more business than anything else. K seemed a bit somewhere else and the comments she would give seemed more like subtle jabs than pleasant conversation. I remember looking across the room and trying not to scowl at one particular period of time.
Her tone then suddenly jumped and I figured it was going to be good news,
“Oooh, did you bring me my movie?” she asks. Although the tone was happy, the intention seemed a little ‘one-track’ and not the subject I was hoping for.

After our lunch we walked out and I handed her the gift and she was not nearly as surprised as I expected. We embraced very quickly and she left jogging for her office door.

Something didn’t seem right at all.

After that, she didn’t call, return my voice mails, or emails for an entire week after that.
Did she not like the present?
Did something happen to her?
What is going on?

Throughout this week I had the unpopular notion that she just wanted to meet to get her dumb movie back and now that theory seemed to be an accurate assumption but something was definitely up.

Long story short, we never met again. She had a guy “best friend” who she would reassure me was just a friend. Apparently they started dating and things heated up from there which shoved me out of the equation. I found this out two months later. Surprisingly enough for the next two months: through a series of phone calls (initiated by her) to string me along and tell me things are good between us, blatant lies, and wanting to keep me available for a rainy day--she held my attention because I didn’t know how else to approach the situation.

I even asked her,
“Are you stringing me along?”

K,
“no, I’m not stringing you along at all and I’m so sorry it seems that way”

The inspiring-friends and family first-woman that I once thought I knew quickly turned into a bit of a snake.

All in all the situation really burned me and I felt a bit humiliated and naïve. Even now with the current relationship (or whatever you want to call it) I’m in now, I feel myself remembering these events more and more.

The interesting thing is that I find myself less and less comfortable as a relationship progresses. The first date will be a piece of cake but after 6 weeks I find myself hoping not get-together to simply return videos. I also find myself trying to keep my finger on the pulse of the relationship and try to find any kind of a barometer to things. If she’s having a bad day and doesn’t want to see me, I instantly have to examine things. If she says a comment that I misinterpret, I have to find out more and dig deeper to the source. It sets quite a conscience dilemma: can I let that comment go or should I pursue it more?

Not that what I went through was terribly bad or worse than anyone else’s story but it had a way of burning a watermark into future relationships for me. K is long gone now but she left me with a reminder that I wish would go away.

Baaah, whatever. I guess I just needed to vent a bit.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Twins Ditties

My mother came to hazard when I was just seven
Even then the folks in town said with predjudiced eyes
That boy's not right

Because there’s no more football, baseball is still in its hibernation period, and I can’t watch any primetime programming I figure I’ll talk a little bit about the Twins. The Major League Baseball offseason (or the hot stove league if you will) has been about as boring as watching the bears play on Sundays. The only interesting tidbit is how much the god damn players market exploded with signing average players to $14M per year contracts. It seriously feel like we jumped ahead 3 years with how the market shot ahead.
With that being the Twins entered the hot stove league with a somewhat desperate need for a starting pitcher and maybe-sorta a DH and infield help.

Now with the starting pitcher equation, one must understand that the stupid baseball market would pay about $8M per year for an average pitcher so the Twins signing any big name pitchers would be automatically thrown out the door. They have, however, signed a couple.

Sidney Ponson was the first pitcher the Twins found. Now they signed him to a minor league contract so it’s really up to him to make the team. Looking at the fact that his ERA was 6.25 last year and 6.21 the year before tells me that he has been consistently sucky. It’s like patching up a bad cut using a band-aid found behind the toilet at the State Fair bathroom.
I suppose there’s very little risk involved and Rick Anderson has shown that he can turn some pitchers around (see Dennys Reyes) so we’ll see how this band-aid does.

Ramon Ortiz was the recent pitcher picked up by the Twins. If Ponson was the band aid behind the toilet then Ortiz is the friggen toilet filled with about 6 gallons of crap. Ortiz has traditionally been a god awful pitcher in recent years. So bad that it’s been to the point where during Twins in-game threads, people would comment,
“damn, that dude for Washington--Ortiz or whatever--sucks some major dick.” and it’s mostly true.

Ortiz had one good year with the Angels back in 2002 and then has progressively sucked ass since then. Twins signed this terrible pitcher for….$3 million dollars. $3 million for this piece of shit pitcher! This kind of money may be chump change for the Red Sox or Mets or Yankees but for the Twins it’s a hell of a lot of money.

Ugh…

Then for hitting/fielding the Twins have signed Jeff Cirillo who used to be a staple at 3rd for the Rockies and Brewers but now that he’s 37 he’s a grizzled veteran or whatever. Twins have notoriously loved, *loved* utility infielders to the point where I bet they wished they had a team full of utility infielders. I suppose he hopefully wont play much and who knows what kind of leadership he can offer.

So basically this off season has been about as boring as can be.

Go Twins!

Monday, January 22, 2007

Crappity Crappity Crap

Memories back when she was smooth and strong
and waiting for the world to come along.
Swears she knew him now she swears he's gone


Crap List

1. The politics with going out with the work colleagues.
So I attend a hockey game with a bunch of work people and it was generally really fun. We all had good times bitching about work and talking about what’s going on and all that. The thing that really kinda bugs me is the interesting dynamics that seem to linger around.

For instance the boss that everyone is frustrated over seems to be hanging by himself a lot, you can tell who doesn’t really like who by how some people are avoiding others, and the personal space issue is apparent with the people reluctant to sit next to each other even in a sports setting.

Of course this happens naturally, without the work environment, but it’s just a little bit awkward.

I dunno, I just wanna drink beer and watch some American hockey and eat apple pie and listen to Bruce Springsteen or whatever. Damn

2. Van Halen and their crap

So VH was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and now they have to quickly settle with a lineup. As it currently stands, there’s Eddie Van Halen, Alex Van Halen….and the rest is up in the air. It’s been rumored that Eddie’s kid, Wolfgang (yes, that’s his name) will be the new bassist and it’s also been rumored that David Lee Roth will come back because his bluegrass stuff hasn’t exactly lifted off yet.

But, the interesting thing about that is that the usual VH bassist, Michael Anthony, and 2nd lead singer, Sammy Hagar, were also included on the VH bill which would make for an interesting induction ceremony.

You see, it’s tradition that all the inducted bands have to perform on stage together. Apparently Sammy and Dave and Eddie will have all get along just in time to sing a couple songs. Hmmm

I guess as long as you have enough tequila, cattle prods, and black coffee everyone should be alright.

Bears suck.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Goin Against My Gut

I spend my spare time with my rosary beads
although I never learnt to pray
but you don't need the light
and it's best to pretend
that you've seen the errors of your ways


Tis the last day of football (other than the Superbowl of course) and it just seems like a sad time. I mean I’m going to actually have to get out and do something on Sundays from now on. The thought is just way too liberating to me and I don’t know if I can take the freedom.

I suppose I wont miss Joe Buck’s fucking whining and his butt slicked hair style and Troy Aikman’s bored look. Then there’s Terry Bradshaw’s squeeling like a pig and all that god awful pen holding that those guys constantly do.

I think CBS carries the superbowl so we’ll have to deal with those guys some more.

Anyway last week I went 2-2 because I just didn’t expect the Ravens to lay an egg and Chicago to luck out another god damn win--that’s what? Like 8 lucky wins for them?

Picks

New Orleans @ Chicago
I had a little déjà vu the other day and I could’ve sworn that the NFC completely sucked ass too. Sure enough they did and I had this quote,
“Seattle has to be the worst number 1 seed that I’ve ever seen”
Of course I beg to differ now because say what you will with Seattle last year on them having a cake walk schedule but at least they shown they can beat teams. At least they had a solid running back and--gasp--a bonafide quarterback.
Chicago just uglifies their opponents into nothing. It’s as if the other team is like “woah, this is just way too ugly for me. These 2 yard runs and terrible incompletions are just boring the hell outta me.”
Just as the corner is walking away, the bears find a way to pull a 30 yard completion out of their ass and win on a field goal.

I love looking at the ESPN fan voting deal on who is the stronger team. Basically you know exactly how the country votes according to state. Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Michigan all know how lucky Chicago is and they don’t even consider them a team.

Rex Grossman?!?

I would love nothing more than a 70-0 spanking of the Bears and to show the country how much of a fraud this team is.

BUT…. I’m always wrong on these type of deals. If I learned anything from last year is to never underestimate the underdog in football and the bears are playing at home against a dome team. I mistakingly keep saying that the Patriots are gods team but that’s not true. The Patriots actually win their games convincingly. Chicago may be god’s team.

As much as I really dislike the bears and their boring brand of football, I grudgingly have to go with them this week. I do believe the bears will ugly out another win and bore the crap out of the superbowl.

Ugh the thought of listening to all that mindless enthusiasm from Chicago just sickens me but Chicago fans will be Chicago fans.

Bears 16 Saints 14

New England @ Indianapolis
Now THIS GAME…. THIS GAME IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

I just think it’s cool that the 1 and 2 seeds were both knocked off and now Indianapolis is hosting the AFC Championship. That has to be a great surprise for any Colt fans.

Watching the Colts this postseason I find it amazing that they’ve been handling the run very well. It’s almost as if they wanted the perception that they suck against the run during the regular season just to dupe the opposition in the playoffs.

Hmmm

Then the Patriots are back in the swing of things. Basically how in the hell do you beat the Patroits in January?

The Patriots remind me of Rambo III where John Rambo is facing an entire army and somehow finds a way to take down 4 choppers, 7 tanks, 430 troopers, and steal like 4 beautiful horses.

Rambo = Patriots without the mentally deficient dialogue and the sweat.

Since I’ve already went against my gut with the first pick why not do the same for the next? As hard as it is to pick the Patriots I have to believe that the Colts are a bit pissed off by being overlooked and being beaten by the Pats like Ike with Tina Turner. I don’t know how or why but I think the Colts will edge out the Patriots paving the way for a Bears stomping in the Superbowl and endless commercials featuring Peyton Manning and an endless stream of him playing football when he was 3.

Ugh the humanity. At least this should be a good game.

Colts 31 Patriots 23

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Yankee Bits

Oh Heavenly day
All the clouds blew away
Got no trouble today
With anyone


-Hog and I are going to embark on a journey that may end up changing our lives forever. No, we’re not getting married, we’re going to take up hockey and try to simply “play” hockey.

I’ve never ice skated in at least ten years and I certainly havn’t even so much as touched a hockey stick in…forever either.

Hog has never even skated before in his life so I figure we’ll be fierce rivals on the ice as well as on the NFL stat sheet.

It will probably look like two monkeys humping a football or something I can imagine.

-The Colostomy Crushers season is now over and although I didn’t win the Leave of Extraordinary Poop championship, I still netted myself $112 which will be used on the Burger King dollar menu.

It certainly was a good run though--winning 7 in a row to take 2nd place. I would just like to thank my awesome fantasy brain and my courage and damn near heroics in being the architect to this 2nd place achievement.

God Bless myself!

- I wonder if I dressed up as a turd sandwich, waited in line with all the other 20,000 of mostly delusional poppy teens, and hummed a couple bars of the Crash Test Dummies’ “Hmm, Hmm, Hmm, Hmm” that I could probably realistically get on American Idol.

I’m thinking that I could probably easily do it. That’s how stupid that show seems to be.

-Cheesy potatoes, 2 loaves of banana bread, a plate full of cookies, and a beautifully laid out and delicious dinner--this is what my “special lady friend” has prepared for me at different times since I’ve met her. I’m thinking about buying her a bag of jo-jos or maybe making some Rice-a-roni or even some mac and cheese for her someday but that’s only if I have the ingredients.

-Potential baseball trip: New York and catch a Twins/Yankees game at Yankees stadium before they level it in 2009 and then drive up to Boston to check out Fenway or vice versa. I think that would be incredibly phat as hell. That’s what I’m shooting for this summer. I just gotta get that ketchup stain off my “Boof” jersey.

-I used to love this video as a kid. Now the guy just looks like a carney.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Memories

His hands wouldn't work the machinery
'Cause his brain told them what to say
It was a helluva of a life
But its somebody's life
Up and down the street all day


Sugar tits: No, I didn’t have anyone touch my “peepee”. I only had a scout leader feel me up is all

Today I thought I would give you miscellaneous memories of my childhood. The kind of stuff I remember and then think, “Why do I remember this?”

Misc. Memories

-I remember I had this awesome rope swing in my back yard where everyone would in the neighborhood would come and swing on it. This one time the rope rotted out and my bro decided to duct tape the rope together. I was dumb enough to continue swinging on it and sure enough the duct tape wasn’t strong enough so I fell

-I remember when the neighbor girl took a dump on our lawn and it sat there and decomposed for forever.

-I remember at my grandparents anniversary mini get-together I bumped my head on the slide and it started bleeding like a siv. We took family pictures with me smiling and having blood trickling down my face. It was so cute.

-This one time when my bro and his friend were playing around this frozen crick and I came over and tried to jump in when the ice gave away and I fell in the frozen crick

-me and my bro soaking our underwear and freezing them in the freezer to they turned into frisbies.

-me and my bro stealing our caps and throwing them on the roof.

-This week me and my bro went to our grandparents farm for a week. This week we were so pepped up and ready to fight each other that after the week my grandma gave my mom a lecture on how she doesn’t want us to stay over anymore. I don’t blame her because we were bastards of little kids.

-Thinking Hog was a wuss for hugging a girl and relentlessly pointing and laughing at him for his hug. Shows how much I knew (or didn’t know) about relationships at the time.
Hey, would you turn down a hug from Pamela Anderson? I sure as hell wouldn’t. I’d give her a nice big hug!


-playing football in my buddies 40x30’ back yard and enjoying it. I don’t even think you can fit a football on that piece of land.

-playing tackle football 4 days a week and being so sore biking home.

-playing little league and landing in this huge mud pit after blundering this easy pop fly.

-going to my dad’s air force reunions and him constantly telling my 8 year old self to “get out of here” as he would talk to his buddies.

-following the 1990 Twins team and thinking they were the 6th best team in the AL when in fact they were the 6th best team in the West and therefore a really crappy team.

-March of 1991 at the bus stop
Tom: Have you seen the Twins this spring training? They’re awesome!
Todd: Yeah well the games don’t mean anything.
Tom: I think they could win it all this year
Todd: What are you talking about? They don’t even have Gary Gaetti.

-Constantly watching the Vikings lose in the playoffs to the 49ers by a score of 67-14

-Being able to freely roam around our neighborhood without any parental consent or supervision. We had a band of like 5 kids that we’d just walk around willy nilly.

-Breaking off this huge branch at our neighbor’s house. Neighbor lady was PISSED about that.

-My parents buying me the “best of Kenny Rodgers” cassette and I absolutely loved it.

-swimming at Lake Jane and taking this can of pop and drinking the whole thing with only one breath of air.

-going grocery shopping with my parents when I was 5 and going over to the bottles of pop and trying to grab my parents a 6-pack when I grabbed the bottom pack and like 4 packs came crashing down on me. I was crying like a manly man when I had to explain myself to the manager.

-being deathly afraid of floods for some odd reason. Every time the bath water would run I would freak out.

-actually wearing a Green Bay Packers winter hat to school on really cold days. That’s right, you read that correctly. I wore a freaking Packers hat to school.

-Hosting our family Christmas get-together back in ‘91 and everyone in the family at our house sledding, talking, and having a good ole time. Twas snowing and everything, it was perfect.

-biking anywhere and everywhere.

-Finally making my good friend cry when I threw a pool ball at his fingers. He ran to his room and cried and I was a little bit satisfied being a bit of a cry baby myself and wanted to see if he was able to cry.

-life in general without the internet. Hmmm weird eh?

-zoobaz and neon colored clothes

-panicking at home when I drifted off to sleep watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and calling my friend’s mom to see if she could come and pick me up. She did and my dad was actually closer than she was. Still was a pretty nice thing to do.

-when my buddy asked the teacher if Monday was 8th grade skip day.

-reading my sports almanac until the think broke in 4 different creases and also seeing how the Vikings lost 4 super bowls.
“Hmm I wonder if they won any?” I thought to myself as I scanned the SB winner column.

Hah NOPE.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Up With Crap

but it's on the table
the fire's cooking
and they're farming babies
while the slaves are all working


August 1993
I was on a three week quest with the Boy Scout to attend the National Boy Scout Jamboree

(I’ll wait…..

Please, please get the laughter out of you system right now.

Uh huh… keep going

Okay now the pointing-start the pointing and laughing

Okay you’re done now)

The BSJ is an event that only happens every four years and it’s actually kinda cool. This year they were supposed to have Alabama sing for the scouts. Say what you want about country but Alabama is actually pretty damn good. BUT…Alabama cancelled and instead we got Up with People-the nerdiest, crappiest show tunes happy crap of a group that I’ve ever seen. Also the President usually shows up to make a quick speech (my bro got to shake Clinton’s hand) BUT… Clinton cancelled because of…who knows. This big ceremony was in Virginia and it concluded with tons of fireworks. It actually was a great time if you can believe that.

Of course to get to Virginia there’s a couple weeks of sight seeing. This trip included a day in Philadelphia, a couple hours in New York City where the tourist thought we were Amish--she asked us if we knew what a boom box was--also a stop in Washington DC which was cool, and a day of rides at Cedar Point in Ohio.

The one thing I really was looking forward to is a stop at Cooperstown for the Baseball Hall of Fame. With me being a big baseball buff I feel I could literally camp out there and spend a weekend looking at everything.

Well one kid threw up, another troop we were traveling with didn’t have their shit together, and numerous delays caused us to arrive to Cooperstown a bit late.

“Alright boys, you all have 45 minutes to look at everything before we have to get going.” is what our surragate Scoutmaster told us.

“45 fucking minutes?!" I mutter.

So I ran through the whole damn thing, trying to see as much as I could.

I was PISSED! Up With People made me even more pissed.


So now fast forward the tape up until yesterday. The Minnesota Historical Society has this exhibit titled “Baseball As America” where numerous historical baseball items are revealed. Basically, if one can’t go to Cooperstown you would want to head over to this awesome exhibit.

The absolute high light is the Honus Wagner card that is in display. The Honus Wagner card is the most valuable baseball card in existence and it’s been bought and sold numerous times just so people could say they owned it. Also there was a booth where people could walk up and try on gloves from the early 1900 century and touch baseballs from back in the day which was meatnourmously cool.

They tried to angle it toward the Minnesota Twins and the local area by having an old school Millers jersey around and Willy May’s memorabilia from when he played with the Millers.

The one mini stand that I was really interested in was the racial prejudice in the game. They had an actual letter sent to Hank Aaron during his quest to become the all time home run leader. This letter looked like it was written by a fourth grader by the handwriting and grammar (kinda like this blog) and numerous depictions of African Americans from the early to mid 20th century.

For me craving baseball, this was a nice and satisfying treat. I highly recommend anyone who is a little bit interested in baseball to go and check out this exhibit. Besides the baseball they have a semi-cool history of Minnesota.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Good Monday

Complicated
X-rated
I want you bad


Crap List

1. This guy at work
It started out with me simply being nice when this 40 something guy comes in and start bitching about his cruddy hand (or what HE seems to think is a cruddy hand) in life and me simply listening. Now it’s becoming a daily occurance and the guy is now blowing ass as he’s bitching.
To add more insult to injury, the guy is severely ignorant and doesn’t seem to use any kind of knowledge to any kind of topic. For instance,
“Yeah my cabin is starting to become a little dusty. Fucking towel headed jews.” and something like that just kind leaves you mystified as to how he just came up with that and if he really thought about what he said. So that comment will leave me stupefied and he’ll continue on about how he’s been fixing his fuel pump in his truck and how his dog sleeps in the garage and how his brother in law is being screwed his sister--you know things everyone wants to hear.
Then I gotta look up car parts for him online and that’s no big deal except when he leans in and blows ass right next to me.

(blink:blink)
And that makes me want to stand up to him and yell,
“WILL YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU HONKEY ASS CRACKER!”

2. The inventor of “the wave”
I just saw on ESPN Sportcenter how there is a controversy over who invented “the wave”: that annoying ritual of simply waving your hands in the air during (what usually is) a good ballgame. Basically there are two individuals how claim and are proud of starting the wave and they brag about it.

First things first: it is not a sign of team spirit. Yelling and heckling--yes. Looking around the stadium in anticipation for the wave and then doing it completely ignoring the game--is not.

There is nothing I can’t stand more than watching a 2-2 game with a runner on second and a 3-2 count when everyone stands up around you and blocks your vision of the game. I think of it as everyone going to grab a hotdog in the middle of the inning all at once. During the middle innings it’s fine but NOT DURING THE GOD DAMN GAME!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Boring Saturday Afternoons Coming

One man caught on a barbed wire fence
One man he resist
One man washed up on an empty beach
One man betrayed with a kiss.


I fear that we are nearing what I call the “sports abyss” in that there is nothing really on TV worth watching on the weekends. Football is ending and even that is starting to get really boring, basketball is well, basketball, and hockey is great if you’re at the Xcel Energy Center but it sucks until the playoffs. And baseball, baseball is still weeks away from worthless spring training.

So what the hell is there to do on a Saturday afternoon other than chores or errands?

I’m not going to plop my ass down and watch a UNC/Clemson matchup because I just don’t care about college basketball unless the calendar reads “March”.

Football and baseball are my only saving graces and once there are over, it’s just dullsville from here on out.

Baaah

Last week I went 3-1 on my playoff picks thanks to that god damn overachieving Indianapolis Colts team

Indianapolis @ Baltimore
I watch a game in Indianapolis and think, “what a bunch of pansy fans sitting there in their white turtlenecks and short sleeve shirts in that indoor thingy.” but then I realize how much us Minnesota fans must look in our indoor thingy and then immediately drop my head and start kicking any dirt that’s around my shoes.
Good thing this game is in Baltimore and good thing that Baltimore is finally playing instead of those god awful (chiefs, jets, cowboys, giants…take your pick). With Indianapolis the only weaknesses they have are running defense and the possibility of going against a great defense.
Whoops, the Ravens actually have a decent (not great) running back and they’re the most balanced and dominant defensive team in the football. This is the classic game that Peyton Manning loses and one of the only things the NFL has going for them now is that the colts are the classic Buffalo Bills team that just can’t make it over the hump.
Ravens 27 Colts 19

Philadelphia @ New Orleans
This game seems like a September game in which the whole country ignores except for New Orleans and Philadelphia. This time around New Orleans actually has a couple reasons to watch with their whole tragedy deal and how Drew Brees can’t do anything wrong but it’s still a yawner. Until the NFC actually has a team that can show a little dominance--I’m just not going to care. Philly has a nice team and…they can play some defense but so what?
Saints 23 Eagles 17

Seattle @ Chicago
Ugh the most worthless number one seed against a team that…I don’t know. Seattle showed me nothing last week when they let the Cowboys trip all over themselves for the loss and Chicago is boring. How can a number one seed have quarterback controversies without one clear good quarterback. Usually you have a mediocre quarterback with some rookie hot shot coming off the bench but that is definitely not the case with the bears. They have Brian fucking Griese on the bench.
I have to say Seattle because I’ve watched the bears luck ‘em ou this year.
As Denny said, “They are who we thought they were!”
Seahawks 20 Bears 9

New England @ San Diego
Damn did CBS ever luck out these last couple years by having an actual awesome conference to broadcast. Clearly the anticipated entertainment with one of these games is worth about 5 NFC games no matter who plays.
I like this matchup a lot. You have the one dominant team this year in the Chargers playing host to one of the forgotten teams in the Patriots whom still have only lost 4 games this year.
God Vs. Tomlinson
Beantown Vs. zoo town (?)
Brady Vs. Rivers
Poise Vs. Revenge

Patriots Vs. Chargers
Dun-dun-DUUUUUUUUUN!

Patriots 28 Charger 27 ( I honestly don’t know though)

Have a good weekend everyone.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Blogger's Block?

Button your lip. Don't let the shield slip.
Take a fresh grip on your bullet proof mask.
And if they try to break down your disguise with their questions
You can hide, hide, hide,


-I have been addicted to another blog recently. Uniwatch is the perfect blog that details every facet of sports uniforms. It teeters on the brink of insanity sometimes how Paul Lukas fawns over verticly striped socks or black number shadowing but it’s still a great site to listen to how ugly all of these new uniforms are. I also wanted to hear how he liked (or rather disliked) the new Vikings jerseys this year to which I can’t believe anyone liked.
For that matter I am begging Zygi Wilf to go back to those “cool” style uniforms that we’re so used to.

-Remember how I was like 77th in line to check out V for Vendetta and Lost: First Season? Well lone and behold I found both of these at the library last Friday. V was good (and for the record, Steph hasn’t even seen V for Vendetta despite her hatred for it) but it wasn’t worth waiting a year in a half for. Therefore I’m never going to use the library movie reserve system ever again.

-The Riverview Theatre is awesome as hell. I went on a date there and it’s the best $4 I’ve ever spent. Tuesdays are only $2 and popcorn is only $3 for a large and it’s good too! If I didn’t have to work bloody nights all the time, I might consider going there every Tuesday.
One thing I like about these old theatres is that the seats are like 60’s office seats in that they’re spring loaded and you could sit back so far that you’re in the person’s lap behind you.

-There is nothing going on… at all. I feel obligated to talk about the weather but for the three of you that read this, I’m going through a little “bloggers block” in that that there isn’t anything to talk about. I could talk about more dates that I’ve gone on but that’s not the angle I want to go for this bits deal. I could talk about past dates that I’ve been on since those gals are long gone. Hmmmm
But see, there’s nothing to talk about even with those. Damn.

Oh well

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Good Faith

Thursday nights
I go and type
Down to the church
For Father Mike


I have found myself practicing good faith methods for my everyday life. I practice good faith with acquaintances, people who I don’t like, gatherings, and work.

Basically I believe good faith is an agreement with myself to put on a pretty face and pretend to be happy when in fact I’m a little bored just so I can leave early or skip out on the next time. Basically instead of bitching about things I’m going to instead protest in my own little way.

Here’s how.

Acquaintances
Usually I don’t care for acquaintances because I consider them to be life’s “role players” and no good for me otherwise. I will find that I will hang out with an acquaintance just so I don’t have to hang out with them again.
“Hey Tom, you wanna go to the craft fair on Sunday?” I will be asked by an acquaintance and while I would rather be at home stuffing my face with chips, I wouldn’t mind doing something different but I would still rather be eating chips too. I’ll accept the offer just so they know that I have done stuff with them at one time and it’s stays fresh in their mind. I also believe that with this one offer of good faith I can then reject them another five times and eat chips in front of the tv.

People I don’t like
For instance I have this ignorant son of a bitch that likes to come around my area and talk and talk and talk. I wont have a say in anything but he’ll just be moaning and groaning about his shitty hand in life. I’ll actually listen in on his bitching and ignorant ranting just so I could sneak out for the next night. Hell maybe I even save a little kid from a beating in the process by letting the bitch vent so I feel like I’m helping man kind by listening (or pretending to listen) this his bitching.

Gatherings
Like an organization that I don’t like to be around I’ll actually help them volunteer and act cheery even though I think the cause is a complete waste of time and everyone there is just wasting their time. I’ll take a leadership role and pretend to be happy if nothing else but to show an example to any possible little kids around.
I figure this leadership will allow me to not do anything like this again, keep it in people’s minds that I do volunteer, and I work hard.

Work functions
We have these worthless meetings every week and basically I sit there and watch my boss work for an hour and sometimes even an hour in a half. I figure I can go to one meeting every other week because it shows that I do show up, that I’m still alive, and I’m still in the mind of everyone. Basically I’m allowing myself to skip out every other week by attending every other week. I think it’s a smart play on my part and I’m staying visible.

So you really need to master and practice the good faith practices in your life. I believe that it allows one to be lazy.

Monday, January 08, 2007

It's About Time

Your time has come - you can stand our you can run
But don't keep it all inside
'Cause you gotta understand that there ain't no second chance
No one gets outa here alive


Damn, it’s been awhile.

Crap List

1. The NFC Playoffs
I’m watching the NFC playoffs like I watch NBA basketball or documentaries on the history of Pepsi commercials. Yesterday the crappiest of the crappy NFL games was on with the Eagles Vs. Giants. Now if NFC football was bad enough, NFC East football is the bottom of the proverbial entertainment barrel. Even Saturday nights game was somewhat good but that was only because the Cowboys kept screwing everything up.
Maybe it’s because I naturally compare the NFC playoffs to the AFC playoffs where the REAL teams play and where the elite of the elite four teams are left to battle each other for the chance to beat the crap out of whoever comes out of the NFC.

For instance let’s compare the games.

Indianapolis Vs. Baltimore
The unbelievable offense of the Colts vs. the impenetrable defense of the Ravens. This is a game I would pay to see.

Then there’s,
New Orleans Vs. Philadelphia
Yuck. This has grey, overcast day written all over it and this is the decent game of the NFC.

New England Vs. San Diego
The Patriots and the power of God go up against one of the only truly dominant teams of the NFL in the Chargers. I would gladly pay to see this game as well especially since it’s going to be in San Diego.

Then there’s
Seattle @ Chicago
What a friggen blah game this is. It doesn’t even seem like a playoff game.


2. Armageddon Vs. Deep Impact
In the ongoing debate over what is the worse movie, I have an important element that may tip the scales a bit. Armageddon’s dialogue is complete crap and is something that a bunch of high school goof balls would create for a slap stick comedy that is so over the top that people take it seriously. For me being a big dialogue and script person, this is the characteristic that really makes Armageddon amazingly dumb.
Michael Bay, I blame you for the bad dialogue and that ultra sappy Aerosmith song.

I’m also sorry to report that Michael Bay is the director behind the Transformers movie coming out later this summer. I’m still wondering how exactly he’ll screw this movie up but the Transformers have traditionally had a cheesy script so maybe he’ll do a good job.

3. More old people and technology

Phone rings

Dad: Hey, how are things?
Boof: good. How are you?
Dad: Well, I’m having computer problems and I need a little help.
Boof: alight what’s the problem
Dad: I don’t know how to turn on the computer.
Boof: huh? Hehe WHAT?
Dad irritated: Just tell me how to turn it on if you know.

Haha so I told him about that circle button with the stick coming out of it which usually means “power” in this computer age.

Friday, January 05, 2007

95?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life


This year at football picks I would like to give a big fuck you to teams like,

Buffalo
Tennessee
Carolina
Atlanta
NY Giants

For being completely unpredictable throughout the season. Basically my last 4 weeks of .500 are due entirely because of these bastard teams.

As for the Vikings, I kinda sorta expected a season like this. I mean I wasn’t all too impressed with the receiving corps began being Koren Robinson, Marcus Robinson, Travis Taylor, and Joe Schmo, and Justin Hessler, and Kato Kaelen, and pfff Bonnie Blair.

I mean if we had Randy Moss, Cris Carter, and Jake Reed in their prime then I could simply chuck the ball up and throw for 3500 yards. Also I think the white quarterback was a major problem of the vikes as well.

I think it was very promising that Childress is smart enough to know that stopping the run and trying to run is the center of everything but his playbook is about as boring as church in June or whenever.

With that being said I ended the year going 154-95

2004: 141-95
2005:157-95
2006: 154-95

Haha wow, so no matter what happens, I’ll always lose 95 picks

Playoff picks

Kansas City @ Indianapolis
I think this is the absolute worst possible matchup that the Colts could possible get. They give up 1000 yards rushing in every game and sure enough they’re playing against the number 2 running back in all of football. The Colts come in with the Buffalo Bills syndrome where whenever the hint of losing comes into play, they start worrying and end up falling on their ass. Also the last five weeks have shown us that if a Colts opponent has a damn good running back, then they win.

Chiefs 24 Colts 21

Dallas @ Seattle
Man do the NFC playoffs suck complete ass. Dallas has backed into the playoffs and Seattle actually lost by 20 or so to the Vikings. I can see Shaun Alexander running for 150 yards and the Seattle fans going absolutely insane. With that being, I’m going to go with the Seahawks because any team that nearly gives up 40 to the Lions then I don’t have any trust in them.
Seattle 34 Dallas 18

NY Jets @ New England
The Patriots have been relatively ignored in the football world. They went 12-4 in the AFC and yet no one notices. The Jets have actually beaten the Patriots in Foxboro but I think the Jets have been the product of an unbelievable easy schedule. The Jets have actually played nobody since October and have simply arrived to the game. That being said I can’t count out the Patriots in January.
Patriots 31 Jets 13

NY Giants @ Philadelphia
Giants are the official NFC joke in that they have absolutely no business being in the playoffs. Jeff Garcia seems to be the big “shock the world” story so far. Shock the World may end up going to the NFC championship game based on the story of the matter. Giants don’t have a damn chance.
Eagles 34 Giants 10

Have a good weekend everyone.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

BSU! BSU!

Let's make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell me all my love's in vain.


-Did you watch that amazing Boise State/Oklahoma game? It felt just like March Madness rooting for those underdogs and I nearly wept when they gave up that interception with a minute to go.
That being said, I nearly jumped out of my bed and when they successfully completed the hook and ladder to tie the game with seconds to go. And with THAT BEING SAID, I nearly shatted my room full of shat when they successfully completed that statue of liberty play.

Take that BCS!

So now that BSU beat a legitimate team, why aren’t they in contention for the national title? For that matter why the hell is there one team picked to be the national champions based on speculation? Because (assuming OSU beats UF… sorry Steph) if two teams end undefeated, how can one team be considered better than the other?

Imagine, just imagine if the NFL had a similar stupid postseason. They would automatically match Chicago with San Diego blinding believing that those are the best two teams in football based purely on record and strength of schedule and all that crap. How unsatisfying would that be? First of Chicago is probably the most overrated number one seed that I have ever seen and San Diego is really good and all but they’re primed to be upset.

-Speaking of college football, the Gophers finally saw the light and fired Glen Mason and his arrogant ass. All it took was another colossal collapse in a 2nd half of a bowl game that they were lucky to make and it was clear as day, Glen Mason is a mediocre coach.
I mean really, he did help out the program in the first 5 years but since then he’s done nothing. I could hardly stand his excuses of not being able to compete due to not having an on campus stadium or whatever else he wants to blame his ineptness in recruiting and coaching on.

I’m still pissed about that Michigan game from 2003 (thank god I didn’t go and gave my tickets away to H). If the gophers had held the Wolverines, I’m sure the Gophers would’ve gone to the Rose Bowl or at the very least a Jan 1 bowl.

-I had a weird dream where I walked in a bar and I was talking loudly to the bartender for some reason. I was like,
“YEAH, I THINK LEWIS BLACK IS AWESOME AS HELL!” and to my surprise it was Lewis Black sitting down near me and he looked at me with a smile.
It was at that point that I was proud of myself that I didn’t dis him or anything like that.

Then I woke up.

Pretty cool eh?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Shocked The World!

Risin' up straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance
Now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive


Week 11
My fantasy football team, the Colostomy Crushers, were struggling. I couldn’t seem to find a win and I was in desperate need of more points. Hog’s “Goodfellas” were strolling along anchored by the ultimate fantasy player in the history of fantasy football, LaDanian Tomlinson. Tomlinson was scoring an ungodly 4 touchdowns every game and a streak of something like 24 touchdowns in 8 games or something.
So every Sunday we’d go to Buffalo Wild Wings (BW3) I’d have to listen to him brag about how many touchdowns “LT” would get and hear how he’s going to destroy the league.
I believed him and therefore got really jealous as any opposing rival should.

The week before I faced off against Hog in the Presidents cup VI and had a heartbreaking loss. I scored an amazing 112 points but it wasn’t even close to Hog’s 132. To round it all off Hog would refer to LT’s 4 touchdowns that sealed the deal. From that point on I semi secretly wanted Hog to lose anyway possible.

Hog was 8-3 with no signs of letting up and my Colostomy Crushers were 5-6.
“Dave told me that he’s pretty much handing over the season championship to me” Said hog after 5 straight wins. Dave was clinging on to the league standings based on luck for the most part and Hog was favored to take it away based on the crazy streak he had going.

Then things changed.

Maurice Jones-Drew started going bananas and running in a crap load of touchdowns, Stephen Jackson started to really turn things on, TO and Donald Driver (the only black man named Donald I think) also started to turn it on.

Before long the Colostomy Crushers were pummeling the competition and had won 3 in a row. Four games left and I was playing the best of the best. I figured if I won the last four games, I could wrap up 2nd place.

Yadda, yadda, yadda [cue: cheesy 80’s montage here]

1st game Vs. The Bald Eagles: won despite not beating this team for ten years or something like that.

2nd game Vs. Pocket Rockets: won

3rd game vs. The Yettis: won

Finally the last game was the rematch with Hog. With me winning and Hog suddenly losing our records were tied at 10-6. Suddenly it came down to the one final week. LT didn’t have anything to play for and Hog desperately picked up Issac Bruce and Ron Dayne to plug up any holes he had. I had to go with my core group.

A win against Hog would ensure a 2nd place finish and $100. I pumped my fists, I frantically looked at stat projections, and waited with anticipation for what would be in store that week. An hour after the games began the score was knotted up at 30 then 35-30 then it would be tied again. Willy Parker would score a touchdown and Hog would be up once again.
Then the Colostomy bombs started falling.
Stephen Jackson scored 4 touchdowns
Terrell Owens scored on a 56 yard bomb from Tono Romo (my quarterback)
Maurice Jones-Drew scored

And by that time it was just too much. The Colostomy powerhouse was just too much for the weak and pathetic Goodfellas. In fact you could say that we crushed the colostomy bags that the Goodfellas needed for pooping and such.

Colostomy Crushers 2nd
Goodfellas 3rd

The Colostomy Crushers ended with a 7 game winning streak and therefore,



SHOCKED THE WORLD!