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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

And the winner is...

Walking down the street
Distant memories
Are buried in the past forever

Today I’m going to tell you about the time my dad almost “won” a race car.

June 1998

My dad was definitely one of those parents who sacrificed a lot for his nagging wife and his crazy, hyper kids. He had to suppress his love for racing by hiding out in the kitchen every race day and hope to god that no one comes around to bug him. His wife and kids had no interest in racing…at all so he didn’t really have anyone to talk racing with.

At this point in time he’d been at least twenty years since his last race that he attended. I remember asking my mom about their honeymoon, which was in Daytona and included the Daytona 500, and she reminisced with multiple eye rolling action about how bored she was. Clearly (and humorously) my dad planned their honeymoon around his wishes--since it runs in the family I plan on taking my future wife to the Winter Olympics where I can hang out--and apparently not only did they attend the Daytona 500 but they went to different driver’s garages and my dad actually got to meet Richard Petty (the Babe Ruth of racing).

With Me and my bro finally being old enough to where we could fend for ourselves (and be tried as adults) he bought tickets and made reservations to attend the Coca-cola 600 which is one of the premier races in the NASCAR circuit. He was elated and although he never really shows excitement, you could tell he was pumped. He wasn’t going with anyone but just to get the hell out of dodge was vacation enough.

He was gone for a week and things went fine--I stole his truck a couple times and my bro and I bugged our mom.

When I picked him up from the airport he had his usual bags but another huge bag that I’ve never seen before.

“What the hell is that?” I said and he mentioned that with all the stuff he collected, he had to buy a new duffle bag to hold all of it. Alright, whatever so drove him home.

When we got home he emptied out his duffle bag and out came tons of merchandise, flyers, and just miscellaneous junk he grabbed from the race and visiting different drivers’ garages. Apparently one can buy outdated and irregular merchandise for dirt cheap and my dad was all over that.

The one thing he did mention with a big grin that he visited Jeff Gordon’s garage (Jeff Gordon is actually not well liked by my dad but he visited his garage anyway). Gordon had a ‘98 (new at the time) limited edition Monte Carlo he was auctioning off with the money going towards charity. My dad saw this and, with help from the attendant, made a bid using the “internet” or the “information superhighway” at the time.

The internet was still in the beginning stages of whatever it is now and my dad clearly did not understand it. My only guess is that he felt it was a big computer game in which everyone loved except him because he’s never really cared about video games. I think he considered it a toy--in this sense a NASCAR toy.

I can only guess that my dad got caught up in his naivety and his vacation fun that he actually placed a bid on this car. Without any previous bids my dad bid $33k which was a bit of a deal for a car valued at $38k. He didn’t want the car but felt that he’d probably be in some raffle for being a losing bidder or something. Also he didn’t think he’d be the winning bidder by bidding $5K less than the value for it.

He was probably right and indeed was before a short time. In no time at all there were four bidders who out bid his bid of $33k. So the dream was over. He laughed it off and wanted a good story to tell others when he came back home.

Fast forward the clock about a couple weeks…

My dad checked up on the website (with my help) and found that the winning bid of the ‘98 limited Edition Jeff Gordon Monte Carlo was for $33K.

“Thirty three thousand? That’s what I bid. Haha.” and he kind of laughed and went on with reading the rest of the website. Apparently the 4 other bidders ahead of him were “illegal bids” due to bad credit card numbers or just not being eligible.

I went to the living room to where my dad walked by, walked the opposite way really fast, then went the other way, and then followed his steps really fast. I asked if he was okay.

Dad rocking is chest forward and back: I think I just bought a car

Mom who was also in the room and very calm: You just bought a car?

Dad: yeah I…I think so.

Mom: I see. You didn’t give them a credit card number or anything did you?

Dad looking at the floor and then sheepishly nods.

Mom: you did WHAT!?! You fix this right now!

You see my mom didn’t like the idea of him going anywhere by himself for an extended period of time. She also didn’t like how he ended up buying a car from his first real vacation.

I remember walking outside and trying to hide my laughter and I envisioned driving to school in this phat Monte Carlo.

My dad was freaked out and he entertained thoughts of actually buying it but he knew he couldn’t actually A) afford it and B) be able to keep it without worrying about keeping it in pristine condition with two kids who both knew how to drive.

He wanted out of the auction and called up the company about it. They were firm about him buying this. My dad then panicked and called a work buddy.
He panicked and then called up the state attorney generals office. I forgot what they said but I’m sure they were like,
“You’re the dumbass that bid on it! That’s your problem fella!”.

As it turns out because my dad’s bid was lower than the estimated value of the car, the auction place actually let him off the hook somehow. They had my dad sweat a couple months before they gave him the news and all was good. After all the stories that my dad would embarrass me with at all times I would be salivating to bust out this nugget of a story which would always trump whatever story he had of me.

So the moral of the story is: don’t bid on cars you don’t intend on buying-- especially if you have kids.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

More Snow!

And it won't be sad
to think of all we had
All unhappy ends could be behind us then


Call me crazy but I’m a little jealous of places like Winona and Mexico, NY. Winona just got dumped on with 29 inches of snow and Mexico got something like a hundred million billion inches a couple weeks ago.

I want that much! I miss those days where you are at a four way stop and all you can see are the antennas from the other cars and so it’s a matter of trying to figure out if everyone is on the same page and then try not to hit each other. I miss those days where the side walks are like snow caves and the plowed snow comes up to your chest. You try to dive in the snow but you just screw up your hip because you’re white and therefore can’t jump.

Then those days where you take your sled and plop it on the snow. You get excited and hop in…and it sinks about two feet into the ground. Oh and the football… oh the football is the best in the snow.

Maybe it’s all because I would hope that work would call a snow day like school--not necessarily my school--would. I remember that Tartan was the only school open in the metro area. I also remember where school was cancelled and they still picked up kids at the bus stops and held them hostage at school. How crappy would that be?

I remember when Marshall had like ten feet of snow and people where digging their houses out of snow. I remember watching the news with a grin and thinking, “That’s awesome! I’m going there for college!”

This year it’s been cold but I think it’s more of what winter should be instead of surprising. We also had a 10” snow storm but that seems more like what winter should be instead of amazing.

Hell, I remember walking up to the grocery store when there was a wind chill of 50 below and it literally hurt to the bone to be outside. I remember trick or treating in a Vampire costume with snow boots in the middle of one of the most historic snowstorms in recent history and fuck if that was going to stop me from getting candy.

I should probably move to Florida next time a hurricane is about to come inland.

God, that would be cool!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Lost Crap

Christ you know it ain't easy,
You know how hard it can be.
The way things are going
They're gonna crucify me.


Crap List

1. That GMC Presidents Day commercial

Baaa-baaa-babaaa-baa-buh-buh-buhbuh-buh….ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH STOP IT!!!! It’s bad enough I’m snowed in my driveway but everything I watch is with that Presidential song with a funky new beat.

It’s awful! It makes me want to do the opposite of buying a car, it makes me want to never drive again and use the bus! It makes me want to--buy a foreign car (gasp)!

I never thought I’d say this but Presidents day just can’t come fast enough. Anything that will get that fucking awful tune out of my head.

2. Lost

Alright, let me say a couple things right away.
1) It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t good in my opinion
2) I understand that, like Borat, I may be the only person to dislike this show.

My love of watching shows with dramatic seasons has stopped since I’ve caught up to 24. I heard that Lost is the cat’s ass in regard to shows and I saw season one at the library so I went for it.

After 4 episodes…..monsters and bitching but nothing terribly interesting

After 4 more episodes….islandic bitching and hints of love and drama but overall, nothing

After 4 more episodes….flashbacks of really, really, boring characters….but really, nothing

After 4 more episodes…things are starting to get kinda good and the last four minutes of every episode is getting me a bit hooked

After the last couple episodes…more teasing, more flashbacks with boring characters, more bitching, more “monsters”, and a bunch of mysterious uh…bullshit that almost makes the whole first season completely pointless.

The way I see it season one was 70% fluff, 15% good, and 15% people staring at each other.
I envisioned Lost to be about a bunch of people who end up on an island but then get rescued somehow by the end of the season. Cool, I’m down. Nope, it’s just a bunch of mysterious and fucked up things that just seem more stupid than interesting.

Again it wasn’t horrible but I would like those 22 hours back.

Friday, February 23, 2007

If I was Superman

I know I felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you


If I was Superman…

-I could work in downtown New York and not have to worry about parking or traffic jams. I could also buy land in Montana and commute by flying across country. God damn that would be awesome. I’d have to have a change of clothes in the office but with all the money I’d save without having to pay for gas or upkeep in driving across country for work.

-I could work as the only member of my own construction company. By employing only me, I could get a job done without having to use any kind of machinery because, hell, I could dig up anything and pick up anything. I could weld with my heat rays and I could freeze liquids with my freeze breath. I would automatically win every damn bid too because I would get the job done right away and if anyone messes with me, fuck them cuz, I’m motherfuckin Superman.

-I could also travel in an environmentally friendly manner without using fossil fuels. At least I think so unless Superman actually drinks liquefied coal or gasoline. Then the exhaust might allow me to invest in Fruit of the Lomb companies.

-I could watch any baseball game live because I could probably sneak on my way onto the roof of the ballpark and hide behind a light or something. Ooooh I could also prevent the other team of hitting home runs with the forcefulness of my breath. Twins would go 162-0...if they had an outdoor ballpark and if I was able to make every game.

-I could be a punter for the Vikings and I could punt the ball 20 miles into the sky. Then when 22 guys are all waiting for the ball, me and the Vikings players could constantly pin the other team inside the 5 yard line.

-I could “step” up to any mafia/gang member and totally fuck their shit up. When they retaliate with their fists or guns, nothing would hurt because I’m superman. I wouldn’t necessarily hurt them but I would make them waste their ammo on my impenetrable self which would piss the hell out of them.

-I could probably win the war in Iraq in 2 seconds.

-I could turn back time by spinning counter clockwise around the world and prevent Marty McFly from going back to the future…just to piss him off. Haha

-I would kick the crap out of any track star by being faster than a speeding bullet. I’d win the gold medal in every running category. Hell, I’d win the gold in every category: diving, marathon, biathalon, ski jumping, bobsled, curling (man, I’d be sweeping the shit outta that ice. I’d sweep so much that the ice would be melted off)

-I’d try burning CD’s and DVDs using my heated eye rays and then put them in a player to see what they sound like.

-I could smash anyone in the face.

-mock the hell out of race car drivers by pretending they ran over me and just laying on their hood and staring at the driver.

-I could act like I’m stranded on a deserted island with a bunch of other people and each day I’d bring in something more extravagant and mess with everyone’s heads. Like one day I’d be lighting off $400 worth of fireworks and then the next day I’d host a barbeque with some really fancy grill and a boom box. When they ask me how I got all this stuff I’d reply with, “because I’m superman you horse’s ass you!”

-I would turn back time and put Ringo, Paul, John, and George in one room and seal it up until they get back together for one concert. Screw you Lorne Micheals…pfff a million dollars.

-I could skip a rock from San Francisco and see if it goes all the way to Austrailia.

-I could set up a golf ball on a tee on one side of Niagra Falls and see if I could hit a golf ball around the world.

-I could fly up to the peak of Mt. Everest and hang out.

-throw a can of pop through a wall

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Theme Music Bits

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you


-I’m onto my newest addiction and this new addiction is almost over. Thank god. Lost season one has been okay at best although I still have the last three episodes to watch. The episodes all focus on one person on the island and after 18 episodes I have come to the conclusion that there are only 3 interesting people on the island. The fact that they don’t have a coconut radio and quicksand is another disappointment.

I think I’ve been watching this show so much is because I’ve just become addicted to watching entire seasons of shows. I had my mad Sopranos phase and then the comfortable 24 phase and both were very pleasant. Now that I’ve found that nothing compares to those awesome shows I want to act like I like something but I just miss the original fix.

Sopranos, get your ass in gear and show the damn final season already!

-I remember when I found out Pink Floyd got back together back in ‘05 I was a tad bit excited. I also remember David Gilmour saying that Live 8 was just a “…one off event” and that he wouldn’t think about getting back together unless it was another charity event. Since global warming has been the most popular thing to bitch about (where have you people been the past 30 years?) they are going to have a “Live Earth” concert on 7/7/07.

Similar to Live 8, Live Earth will have stages on most of the continents including Antarctica, North America, and Asia. Apparently the point is to make awareness to global warming…as if no one really knew about it.

For as much as I like these huge ass concert series (and I love how MTV will screw this one up) I just can’t help but think that some of this is completely messed up. Like where exactly is all this money coming from and going too? It’s not like AIDS or encouraging more funding to go towards Africa. It would be to encourage countries to look at their environmental impacts…in which case every damn concert should be held in the US.

Obviously the US needs to change their ways but when an administration chooses to cover their ears and go “LALALALALALLA” until it’s painfully obvious there’s a problem and then throw in the Kyoto protocol deal along with the societal bitching of $2 per gallon gasoline, I think it’s more of a problem than what Cameron Diaz can do about it.

Also, Antarctica? What the hell? You’re really going to fly (or ship) all the staging materials to and from Antarctica? You’re going to wine and dine a number of whiny rock stars in Antarctica? I have a feeling they’ll be using fossil fuels to power the stage, to run the boats/planes, and to fuels the generators.

How exactly is that spreading the global warming word?

Either way, if Pink Floyd get back together and play in Antarctica, I’m sure as hell not going to complain anymore. In fact I got a cool set list:

Dominoes (for Syd)
Take it Back
Welcome to the Machine
Dogs

Oh my god that would be awesome!

-Just in case anyone hasn’t gotten the picture yet the way Britney Spears is going she’ll be dead in a month. So….let’s not act surprised.

-I gave a link out last week and I’m actually going to expose my play list to y'all. I consider this play list my “guilty pleasures” play list so you’ll find the obligatory Nickelback song along with a Madonna song or perhaps some Steve Perry stuff. Feel free to listen and I dare you to make a play list and let me look at all your guilty pleasure songs. Or whatever.


-Is this Robin Thicke guy Alan Thicke’s kid or grandkid? Not that it matters I guess but It just gives me memories of watching Growing pains and really digging the theme song. If I can find it that theme song will be in my play list.

-I actually remember really loving that Full House theme song too. When I was 7 I was really diggin DJ Tanner.

-Disney’s Rescue Rangers had some phat ass theme music too. It’s got to be a lost art.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Timed Crap

Everywhere, the water's getting rough
And your best intentions may not be enough
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home tonight


Crap List

1. Bathrooms in locker rooms

I’ve been meaning to add this particular point for the past couple years and I’m constantly reminded of it every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday when I go to the gym.

Please don’t drop a deuce while I’m: taking a shower, putting on or off my clothes, or taking off my shoes. You might as well be on a stage with a spotlight dropping said deuce because bathrooms have pretty damn good acoustics and the smell goes everywhere. There’s nothing more depressing than when you’re showering and have that clean feeling going on when poop stank comes creeping in.

The only time I can see where that action is called for is if there’s a Dumb and Dumber type of colossal dump of biblical proportions in which case the guy should be dumped with Gatorade after such an accomplishment. Anything less than that is just sick and wrong…even for guys.

I suppose some locker rooms are the only bathroom in the joint so I guess you can only do what you can do in that case. Don’t expect me to dump you with Gatorade though.

2. Movies with timed plots

I loved Saw when I finally saw it. I thought it was smart, well done, and it grabbed you all the way through. I have been meaning to see Saw II for awhile but, for some reason, I just never got around to doing so. I saw it, and it just pissed me off.

These kids have 2 hours to figure a way out of this house. What do they do? They sit around and bitch and moan and cry and fight for about an hour in a half.

That. Drives. Me. Nuts.

Basically stuff like that makes me root for the antagonist because I figure if you’re too stupid to focus on the problem at hand then you don’t deserve to live…or my attention for that matter. Basically movies that go like that just make me want to jump up and down and swear really loudly. It’s frustrating and I can’t believe the audience is supposed to root for such stupid people.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Music

Sometimes you would send me a birthday card
With a five dollar bill
I never understood you then and I guess I never will

I got nothing today so instead of actually posting nothing, I thought I would type it out.

Actually I do have a little something and it's just a link to this "radio station thingy"--actually I think it's a link to a giant network full of people's playlist of music. Anyway I thought it was kind of cool and I've rediscovered a bunch of songs since my strung out Napster times.

I don't think I've actually listened to Everclear in...6 years? I also have rediscovered that K's Choice song "I'm not an addict" which is cool but it's a little too surreal for me.

It seems as if everyone has at least one Nickelback song too.

have a good weekend everyone.


Thursday, February 15, 2007

Taco Bell Bits

Greasy slicked down body, groovy leather trim
I like the way you hold the road, mama, it ain't no sin


-My dad told me about how they were testing these razors at work and so they needed people to donate their hair for science…and $250. After hearing this I decided I was going to go for it because I’m just a hero like that because it’s in the name of science…and in the name of $250. In order to be able to be eligible one needs to have at least a half inch of hair on their head.
Apparently I’m not eligible (and it’s not because of the baldness) but it’s because I’m not technically an employee which sucks. I’m still, however, growing out my hair because 1) I’m lazy 2) I don’t need to impress anyone, 3) I want to see what kind of “progress” I have (or don’t have) in the hair department.

-I just watched Ice Age for the first time the other night and despite my subconscious hatred of Ray Romano, I really liked it. Those Pixar/animated movies always seem to impress me and are much better than the other crap that’s out there.

-Speaking of movies, I have forgotten how good of a movie Amelie is. Even though it’s subtitled it’s still an amazing movie and I found myself giving those gut laughs that end up hurting after awhile.

-Last weekend

Boof: So what are you and dad doing for Valentine’s Day?
Mom: Well, your dad and I (yeah, she always refers to him as if she divorced him 20 years ago) are going to see a movie, have a romantic drive in the neighborhood, and finally come home for some cherry pie.
Boof laughing: Wow… not going to go there.

Mom: What? You don’t like Cherry pie?

Boof: I gotta go

This is the kind of conversation I remember we had in Watertown, WI where we passed a Taco Bell that was painted pink.
Boof: pfffff! Oh my god, that Taco Bell is painted pink! A pink taco bell!
Dad and bro both laughing
Mom: What’s so funny about that? The Pizza Hut is painted red.
Boof, Dad, Bro all laughing a bit harder
Mom: You all are weird

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

What Women Want

She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies,
Knockin' me out with those American thighs


I thought for this year’s Valentine’s day I would fulfill my love of generalizations and write about everything that every woman likes. Now the two females that read this may speak up and say that they actually do not agree with my assessment but I will discount that as blatant lying for the sake of my integrity and this entry.

-Red Hot Chili Peppers
Through my extensive research (talking to four females) I have determined that every woman on the planet loves this band. I don’t know if it’s so much as they like the music or just like the lead singer, Anthony Keidas but it’s sheer love for this band. I don’t know where the RHCP are playing today but send your girl to wherever these guys are playing and she’ll be happy.

-Grey’s Anatomy
This is the show that is on (is it Thursday nights?) but is the female equivalent of Sunday football for guys. I’ve only watched one episode (bomb episode part 1) and I vowed to never watch it again but for some reason women just can’t get enough. I think it has something to do with a guy named Dr. McDreamy or something around that name. I don’t know if that’s his real character name but that’s just plain stupid if it is. Somehow us guys have to bottle the mojo that comes with this show.

-You Shook Me All Night Long
Of all the AC/DC songs why do all women love *LOVE* this one? Basically play this song in any bar and you’ll have ever lady throwing their hands in the air and screaming followed by drunken karaoke by every female there. I’m a fan of TNT, Thunderstruck, and Who Made Who but this is just overplayed. I think women like it because of the beat of the song or maybe it’s the chorus. Hmmm

-Receiving flowers at work
This is because they want everyone to be jealous. Apparently there is no greater feeling than to feel the jealousy of your coworkers and to silently gloat to the coworkers. I don’t even think anyone notices the flowers as much as it’s the giant pink and red things being delivered to the desk.

-Cats
Women just can’t get enough of cats. They play with them, take pictures of them, dress them (I dated a girl who would dress up her cats and it was just…disgusting), and talk to them like babies. I don’t mind cats at all but I like cats like I like dogs and animals at the zoo that actually do things.

-the movie Sweet Home Alabama
I think it’s purely the dude in that film. It’s interesting because according to IMDB.com women give this movie an average rating of 6.5 which is decent. Guys give it a 5.5 which isn’t terribly good.
If you have no idea what your girl likes, just give her this movie because if she’s got a vagina, she’ll love this movie.

These are the things that I think 80% of the women like so I’m not as sure as these.

-Hillary Clinton
Using my extensive research I’d chat with a couple women and everything would be fine. Bring up Hillary and they turn into a blank stare and start talking like a robot,
“I-LIKE-HIL-A-RY, SHE-IS-FOR-WOMEN’S-RIGHTS-AND-SHE-IS-STR-ONG” and it’s almost as if you need to play “you shook me all night long” on the juke box in order to snap them out of whatever mindset they’re in.

-Any movie with Reese Witherspoon
Mostly the legally blond movies but as semi hot she is, she’s just the kind of woman that other women want to be or hang out with. Maybe it’s part of that Sweet Home Alabama thing? Who knows.

-Bob Barker and Richard Dawson
The ultimate Pimps of pimps everywhere. I would like nothing more than to hang out with these guys in Vegas (if Dawson is still alive) and get some of the hottie residual. Women love these guys because of their old guy charm (I think).

So based on all that I would suggest you bring your girl to a Red Hot Chili Pepper’s concert (wherever it is) and watch Sweet Home Alabama on the plane ride with about 5 cats roaming around. Then after the concert have some drinks with Bob Barker and Richard Dawson and talk about Hillary Clinton. Then bang the hell out of her with “you shook me all night long” on repeat of course.

And she should like that. I dunno.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Simply Crap

I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone


Crap List

1. Twins unsure where new ballpark will be built

It’s like this, I’ll play the part of the landowner and tell you how this thing has not worked out.

Once apon a time, there were these government personell who called me and we had this conversation

Government worker: Mr. Boof, would you be willing to sell your land for a Twins ballpark?

Boof: yeah, I could do that.

Government worker: cool. Bye

And then a bill was pushed through the state house where it was debated, fought, argued, pissed on, dragged in the mud, talked about until the late hours in the morning until it was finally passed. Then it went on to the Senate where it BARELY passed (something like 34-30).

And all was well. The deal was done! The ballpark is coming. Twins fans danced in the streets, liberals (who don’t watch any sports) found other things to bitch about, and the Twins were starting to win games.

Life was good for baseball fans.

But then they realized they never actually negotiated a price with Boof. So when the time came to start negotiating a price I’m sure they met in a conference room.

Governement worker looking all spiffy in his nice suit: Alright Mr. Boof here’s a piece of paper and we’d like you to put your figure for what you’d like to sell your land for and we’ll do the same and finally look at each other’s bid.

Boof and GW start scribbling in their piece of paper and finally swap.

Boof looking at paper: It says here you would like to buy my land for $12.5 million is this correct?
GW: yes.

GW looking at his sheet: okay it says here…..you would like to sell your land for--haha Boof, this is no time for jokes.

Boof: I’m not joking

GW: This figure doesn’t exist

Boof pounding on the table: WELL, MAKE IT EXIST!

And this is where the stalemate has come. They didn’t buy the fucking land while the bill was being sweated on through congress. Oh my fucking god.

If the state of Minnesota had to fill in a coloring book it would take about 3 months to debate the action through congress, about $3 Million dollars in lobbying, and the end result is that it would never be colored because, as it turns out, no one knows how to fill out a coloring book.

GOOD GOD, I remember back in the day I would visit Shane’s blog “greet machine” which was *the* blog for this topic. Legislators and senators would check up on that site and it would serve the informative site for this bill. Then once the bill passed Shane had nothing to talk about except for symphonies performing Super Mario Bros. and stuff like that. Now, and no offense to Shane, I find myself coming back there for more info.

It’s like those horror movies where you can drop Freddy Kruegar off a plane 20,000 feet in the air and he lands on 10 hand grenades and finally get run over by one of those oversized semi’s carrying Oprah and he comes back 5 months later.

ARGGHHH!

2. These people who leave their kids in their cars.

First of all these parents should be beaten to an inch of their lives. Second with ever story I read they’re always written like this,
“While little Jim was left in the car the temperature plummeted to minus 2 degrees but the wind index was down to twenty eight below.”
Now if I understand wind chill correctly, it’s how cold it feels with the amount of water being evaporated off your skin which a kid locked in a car would not feel. So wind chill, as far as I know, doesn’t really apply.
And also some of these kids are like 7 years old. My mom would leave me and my bro in the car for short periods of time (while she’d buy gum or whatever) and we were alone in the car. The second my mom stepped foot outside the door my bro and I would look at each other and A) fight B) play our kid games like we did and/or C) mess with every god damn lever, button, switch, and monitor in the car. Then my mom would come back into the car and the radio would be blasting loud, the wind shield wipers would be on full blast, we’d put a piece of gum on her seat so she’d sit on it, the radio would be on static, the high beams would be on, and the seat would be adjusted all the way back.

This was only a 5 minute jaunt into the store mind you.

If my bro and I were stuck in a car for an extended period of time, we’d probably end up destroying that car.

“Hey Tom, do you think these seats came come off?”
“I don’t know, let see”

I even remember tying to destroy the car while we were in it. I remember trying to peel off this metal piece next to the door opener and he yelled at me,
“AARRGGHH WHY DO YOU DO THAT!? I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE OLD ENOUGH TO BUY A CAR BECAUSE THEN I’M GOING TO START RIPPING OUT DOORS TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT!!!”

And then I’d mutter to myself “Well good for me because I’m never gonna buy a car so then he can’t destroy it”

So far he hasn’t destroyed it.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Reuniting Songs

Karma police, arrest this girl
Her Hitler hairdo is
Making me feel ill
And we have crashed her party


Today I’m going to analyze and give my predictions on the Pro Bowl…

Actually I’ve been thinking about songs that reunited bands come up with. I recently found The Beatles’ Free As a Bird and I’ve been listening to that over and over again. Without doing any sort of research and going back to my 1995 knowledge, I believe that song was a demo recorded by John Lennon and then Ringo, Paul, and George decided to use those tapes to record a full blown song. As raw as it sounds, it’s a rather good song and the lyrics are extremely good when you take the whole Beatles thing into fruition.

Whatever happened to/the life that we once knew
Can we really live without each other
When did we lose the touch/ seemed to mean so much

I’ve really digested that chorus for awhile and I think it could be about Beatlemania and the magic they had when they were together and why they even broke up. Of course it could be a general chorus for any one particular relationship that isn’t going exactly awesome. But it is sad for a band like the Beatles to really wonder why they broke up in the first place--it’s even sadder knowing that George Harrison sung the chorus and now he’s not around anymore-----and it’s even sadder than sadder knowing that only Paul McCartney and Ringo are the only remaining beatles…hmmm maybe the Beatles and The Who should pool their resources and form “The Who Beatles”? Actually that would totally work out because Paul would play bass, Ringo at drums, Pete Townsend at lead guitar and Roger Daultrey at vocals…
I would hate to see Paul McCartney having anything to do with “Wont Get Fooled Again” though… Maybe Roger Daultrey could sing Love Me Do….nah, no good.

That general idea would really kick some ass too and the average price for a concert would be about a million dollars for nose bleed seats.

Hmmm weird…

Anyway, where was I? Another band I was thinking of was Van Hagar in their song, “It’s about time” which really doesn’t even deserve to be compared to “Free As a Bird” or the Beatles. Van Hagar even mentioned in the same entry as the Beatles (or The Who for that matter) is a disgrace in itself. “It’s About Time” was featured on Van Halen’s Best of Both Worlds album and it’s just a poor attempt at saying “hey, we’re back and we love each other a hell of a lot.” which was bullshit because if you’ve seen their concert and have followed Van Halen news (because I sure have…. Ugh) you would know that Sammy Hagar and Van Halen have parted on ways…again. Not to mention that it was just a really bad song and Sammy is about three months younger than my dad and can’t really sing anymore.

But why would a song that says “Hey, we’re getting along now because…listen to this song” be that much more awesome? I would think a song about whatever they really want to write about would be just as good and less cheesier.

If I ever get into a band and we disband and then get back together, we’re making a song about abortion.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Quick Bits

I'm no kid, in a kid's game
Did what I did, I got no one to blame
But I don't give up, no, I don't ever give up
It's all I got, it's my claim to fame


-Only in Minnesota can it be 6 degrees and actually feel warm. Today was one of the most bizarre days I’ve ever seen because it was a bright, sunshiny day and people seemed to have that spring to their step as if everything was just a notch better.

I went to the grocery store and I noticed that they had an endcap with Oreos featuring their new “springtime Oreos” and then I started to think, “damn, March Madness is coming soon“ which led to me wondering when pitchers and catcher would report for spring training. Summer’s here! Well, not really but it was a very optimistic day anyhow.

6 degrees and it honestly felt warm! Based on that, I can imagine Minnesotan’s traveling to Florida and getting severely burned by the intense 75 degree heat.

-One thing I learned on looking at Yankees tickets.

Lowerdeck left field seats at Yankee Stadium: $75
Lowerdeck left field seats at Metrodome: $20 (and that includes a coke and small pizza)

Hmmmm

-I’ve just watched half of Jackass 2 and now I’m afraid to watch the last half.

-I forgot to mention this commercial but I thought it was very underrated. David Letterman snuggling with Oprah was pretty damn awesome.

-Uh, I guess that’s all I got.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

600 Post spectacular

I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud


I have to admit that yesterday as I was writing that crap list my heart just wasn’t into it. I was laying down in my bed watching the puppy bowl and half drifting off to sleep and I had this ‘get it done so you can sleep’ type of resolution so that’s what I did.
Today I’m hoping to have a “do over” and attempt to be way more effective and informative. I don’t want all three of you to think I’m that much of a slacker.

Crap list (take 2)

-The Superbowl commercials
I can’t believe people paid 2.something million for the near total crap that I watched. Commercial after commercial was just a complete train wreak in trying to be creative or funny but it was like watching John Kerry do standup.
How many times do we have to watch computer generated animals talk to each other like neighbors? Haven’t the advertisers found that out to be old, redundant, or even a waste of time and effort? At least Pepsi got it right by only showing a couple of their terrible commercials.
Even Godaddy.com was horrible and that has been a commercial that has usually been quite good. I assume that go daddy girl was caught in a massive building fire because she did not look that attractive.
At all. It was like I could tell what the director was trying to do but it was like having Sarah Jessica Ugly having sex with one of the golden girls. I, along with most of the group I was watching the SB with, cringed at the sight of bad plastic surgery in the face.
Then, in the most awkward commercial of the night, GM comes out with this robot who dreams about losing it’s job on the assembly line and even contemplating suicide. As I’m watching this I’m wondering about how the actual assembly line workers, who recently were laid off, think about this commercial. I mean it seemed in very poor taste.

It would be like a commercial with Dick Cheney as the main character in which he dreams that his moneybin is being burned down with some sad song being played behind it. Cheney wakes up and realizes that he’s still rich and the commercial ends.
Are we supposed to feel sorry for Cheney? Are we supposed to feel relieved for him? It’s all just so puzzling.

-The actual Superbowl
I loved the rain--I loved how it was pouring rain on top of a thousand hardcore executives. It’s a terrible thing to like but if karma plays a trick on me and puts me in a high priority game with the pouring rain, I would love it! So it’s all good.

Next I blame the bears for the complete boredom of the superbowl. If the bears didn’t play that boring style of defense and kept allowing the Colts to put us all asleep with 80 five yard dump passes then things may have gotten a bit interesting.
The first quarter was fun and disgusting to watch at the same time. Fun in that it’s raining out. Disgusting that these were the “best” teams in football with 4 god damn turnovers.

The most exciting part of the game was watching Rex Grossman screw it up. I’ve been hearing people say that it wasn’t Rex’s fault and that everyone is being too hard on him--you know, as if it’s an 8th grader going out there and simply not quitting. He was throwing passes like an 8th grader too because those interceptions were….haha they were horrible. I especially loved the 500 moment when he called out “OKAY JACKPOT” and floated the ball in the direction of Muhsin Mohammad only to be picked off.

I did, however, enjoyed the halftime show. I was glued to see something go wrong with the pouring rain on the stage and maybe seeing and electrocution somewhere in there but Prince’s performance actually surprised me. I’ve never been a Prince fan and have never even been close to liking his stuff but he was kicking some ass during that halftime show. It was probably the second best halftime show, next to U2, that I’ve seen in the otherwise crappy Superbowl halftime shows.

Then the 2nd half began and I really, really wish I was watching the puppy bowl because nothing really happened in the 2nd half. I suppose the bears having the ball and being surprisingly efficient clock eaters with 5 minutes left in the game was a bit of a riot but other than that it was stupid.

Also Peyton being the MVP was a bit of a joke. He played alright but Addia and Rhodes were each deserving of the award. Hell, he could’ve gotten knocked out in the first play of the game and Jim Sorgi could’ve thrown 6 touchdown passes and they’d still crown Manning with the MVP (because if he didn’t get injured then the Colts may have lost the game…haha).


Tuesday’s entry

I’m completely psyched because Patty Griffin’s new album “Children Running Through” is coming out today. I haven’t had this much anticipation for an album since…David Gilmour’s album last year.

I’ve been reading some reviews for this new album and I have not found any critical reviews. In fact most of the reviews that I have found have said that this is her “masterpiece” and that anything that she’s come out with in the past has merely been a teaser for this album.

Dur! Guh! What? I find it really hard to believe how much her previous albums have been pushed to the side over this new piece of work. If the critics are true though, this could be the most refreshing piece of music I have heard in a looooooong time.

In the past I have been burned on buying CD’s on release date. Van Halen, Def Leppard, and Velvet Revolver come to mind…hmm maybe I should’ve known better on those choices.

But I’m really looking forward to this album and I’m also looking forward to her coming to town at the end of March. Last time I drove out to friggen Madison to catch her and tried driving back that same night. Big mistake because I have a faint memory of me driving back in the moonlight at 4am and screaming my head off after drinking so much Mountain Dew to stay away.

I also found out that this concert is on the same day as my first curling match which leaves me with a couple options: 1) try to curl at 5:30, drink my drink, and then hightail it out of there before the show starts, and enjoy the damn show or 2) drive to Madison the next day and watch the show there.

Damn.

Then I found out that Roger Waters will be coming to town based off of some random T-shirt which is supposedly the official 2007 tour t-shirt. Who knows when he’ll be coming but that leaves me with a weird predicament: He’s super old but and that concert will be a lot of money but he was really good last time he was here.

What if he gets together and plays with Nick Mason and Richard Wright and plays as Roger Waters with… and later on David Gilmour decided to join him making these concerts bonafide Pink Floyd concerts. Then I could live of the fatta the lan or whatever.

God that would be great! Maybe Patty Griffin would open up too!

Actually that would be really weird. No way.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Superbowl crap

In the moment that it takes
You find you made your first mistake
Like the setting sun....
You turn around it's gone


Crap List

1. The Super Bowl Commercials
In case you decided to watch the Superbowl for the commercials you were probably as disappointed as we were watching that feeble attempt to be funny. Ugh most of the commercials were so lame that I didn’t feel guilty going to the bathroom.

For the record, I liked the coke Grand Theft Auto one. I thought that was a feel good commercial.
I also liked the Blockbuster mouse one and the Budweiser wedding one was oh so true. Other than that the commercials were pretty much lame as hell.

As a rule of thumb, monkeys = funny but noooooo they couldn’t have any monkeys or dancing bears. DANCING BEARS are completely funny! Basically just have a dancing bear for 30 seconds and the commercial will be gold.

What a disappointment all that was.

2. The actual Superbowl
Oh my god, that was the most boring superbowl in the history of mankind. I blame this on the rain…kinda even though I love the fact that it was raining on a thousand corporate execs.
Oh my god, if you were a fan of 5 yard passes and 4 yard runs then this was your fantasy coming true.

We found ourselves watching the puppy bowl on animal planet instead of watching the superbowl at times. It was crazy!

I’m so tired…I’m goin to bed

Friday, February 02, 2007

Superbowl 41

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be


If Wisconsinites (Cro-Magnon men) and Minnesotans (actual humans) were to ever agree on anything it would be that the Chicago bears suck. A hell of a lot. A tremendous amount. What’s even worse is that I know someone going to the Superbow this weekend and they’re Bears fans. Check that, they’re not “Bears fans” they are the typical-clueless-violent-die hard bears fans that everyone associates Chicago with.

2003 Miller Park

Boof stands up after a Richie Sexson homerun: BAAAAAH RICHIE SEXSON, I’M DRINKING MILK AND I PLAN GROWING UP TO YOUR GANGLY HEIGHT AND KICKING YOUR GANGLY ASS!

That’s when I noticed this sweet old lady next to me covering her ears and hunched over.

Boof: Oh, uh sorry about that.

Old lady: That’s alright. At least you’re not a Chicago fan. Those fans (shakes her head with a glazed look)…
Boof: What about those fans?
Old lady: Those fans are sooo horrible. They will do anything to get into a fight. I hate them. I HATE THEM!

Yeah I know one of those fans. He even got into a fight at the Metrodome once.

I really don’t want the Bears to win. It would take a lot of fun out of the Superbowl.

For the Superbowl this year my first reaction is to blindly say that the Colts will win. Peyton Manning will call audible after audible until Brian Urlacker’s head will twist around, overheat, and finally blow up.

Colts win and Manning has one of those classic endings where he’s waving his finger and makes out with some hot ass cheerleader as he runs into the locker room.

My gut is unbelievably accurate in relationships but decidedly inaccurate in football so I have to go against it. As it turns out I’m going against my heart too because…I…REALLY…DON’T…WANT…THE BEARS TO WIN!

First of all while everyone was just going completely crazy about two black head coaches being in the superbowl they failed to announce that someone with the last name of “Manning” was actually in the Superbowl. May as well have the Cubs in the world series or Martin Scorsese nominated in the “best picture” category because Mannings have never really won anything.

Not to mention that Manning has a hell of a lot of pressure on him because he’s thing close to a quarterback on both of these teams. With that being said, Rex Grossman just has to hand off the ball five great times in a row and sustain breathing for 4 hours in order for people to be proud of his effort. Hell he could throw 3 interceptions and people will still call it a breakout effort by Rex. Manning could throw 3 touchdowns and people will be talking about his off day as he threw for 500 yards.

The weird thing about the Colts is that their running defense has actually been somewhat decent against these awesome teams. I do wonder what the ever annoying Thomas Jones will do to their defense though.

I have to go against my gut and call a Bears Superbowl victory. It just has that kind of vibe to the whole thing.

Bears 26 Colts 13

Prove me wrong Colts

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Flonkerton

Oh lie
I thought you were golden
I thought you were wise
When I caught you returning
To the house you caught fire


-Phone call from last Saturday

J: So with this new roommate I’m probably going to lower your rent.
Boof: cool
J: Cuz I know how much you’d appreciate it. Hahahah (drunk laugh) I remember that one time where I was going to raise the rent $5 and you gave me this really dirty look. Bwhahaha I was like “oh my god” and you looked soooooo pissed….

That whole scenario seems burned in her mind and I think she’s pissed that I didn’t give in.

Okay once upon a time J, my landlord/roommate, comes up to me and tells me she’s raising my rent $5 because she thinks she may have screwed up on a bill. I then looked at her like, “Five dollars?” and she dropped the subject right then and there.

My feeling is that if I say alright to $5 then next month it will be $10 and pretty soon she’s raping me…literally.

-Continuing my wave of being 1-5 years behind in the times I have recently been hopelessly addicted to the US version of The Office. I remember watching The Office Olympics a long time ago and announcing that that episode was probably the best episode of anything I had seen in a long time. The show is simply amazing in terms of funny. Fantastic even!

Now after pealing through the entire 2nd season, I now need more and I’m completely drawn on that office tension between Pam and Jim. Also, Steve Correll is basically one of the funniest guys in the history of the entire world

Is the original british version any good? Do I need to learn British at all to follow it?

-I just saw this MTV commercial with Fergie and I think she is the weirdest celeb/human around now. From the peeing in the pants deal to “my humps” (tangent: HOW THE HELL DOES THAT GET NOMINATED FOR A GRAMMY!?!) to her fakish ghetto talk that was depicted in this commercial.
I wanted to know if that was real or not and I found out she played the voice of “Sally” in a Peanuts show back in the 80’s.
Now my Sally voices are a little rusty but I don’t remember hearing white-fakish-ghetto style in Sally’s voice.

I’m beginning to think that Fergie and Gwen Stefani are robots and they’re programmed by the major record companies to come up with the most obnoxious songs and beats that man can’t even begin to create. I’m also beginning to think they were once human and beautiful but not the experiment has gone horribly wrong and now they’re just…robots trying to be cool.

I dunno. Pam is pretty cute though.

Ice cream is also pretty good.

Hmmm…cool

-I have asbestos training today and I’m desperately trying to find ways to find something to do during the training. Now I know some of you goody-goodys are thinking “wow, gee that sounds really important. Maybe you should listen.” and I should but what can be talked about in 2 hours can be said with this sentence,
“If it looks like asbestos, treat it like asbestos”

There. Done. End of story because we have asbestos workers here and we can rehash all the different cases and asbestosis and all the diseases that come from it but it’s all the same.

I might get a lame ass certificate too and I guess it goes in my portfolio for the other BS training I take.

-I found out I have mandatory ergonomics training next week at 8am. I probably can’t afford to play blackjack on my phone for this one because someone other than my boss will be teaching it. Also I think the “big guns” will be in attendance too so I probably shouldn’t go in sweatpants and my Aqua Teen Hunger Force t-shirt.

Actually I probably should in protest for me working nights and having this BS training at 8am. I mean it would be like them coming in to work at 4am or maybe it’s like me hosting training at 9pm.

Training on….baseball stadiums of the 50’s! ooooh cool