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Friday, June 29, 2007

The Lunatic is on the Grass

How I wish,
how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
year after year


Roger Waters is in town this weekend and I’m getting a little more pumped as Saturday comes closer. I don’t have any tickets but I’m hoping that some hot looking woman is looking for someone to take one of her extra tickets. That or someone who just has no idea who Roger Waters is and their hardcore Pink Floyd buddy is sick so now they are trying to give away a ticket. Either way I’m feeling pretty good about my chances of getting in the door for less than $30.

Back in 2000 when I went to see Waters it was a HUGE deal because he hadn’t toured in over ten years and no one from Pink Floyd did anything in a long ass time. It was a pretty decent concert (for being at the Target Center) and I even bought a concert tee. Yep, I bought one of those cheap ass t-shirts that seem to dissolve in 90 days. It was just that good.

Now there seems to be absolutely no hype for this. Roger Waters hasn’t done anything other than play with Pink Floyd a couple years ago and he’s touring for no apparent reason which I don’t mind. Also the local radio station was selling a 4-pack of tickets for $92 which is a little embarrassing.

But for the people who don’t know Roger Waters….

HE’S THE GUY WHO WROTE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON, ANIMALS, THE WALL, AND WISH YOU WERE HERE for christ sakes. This guy is a satirical genius who really can’t sing--but that’s besides the point.

But since I saw David Gilmour in concert last year and he was touring with Nick Mason and Richard Wright. Then take in this concert with Roger Waters and if I could only cut and paste past images in my head… we would have a full fledged Pink Floyd concert with all four members.

Which is probably only cool to me though.

Hmmm…

Pizza makes me thirsty.
I also have also cleaned up the side panel a bit so it's not so crappy. I added my photo archive as well.

Have a good weekend!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Movie Bits

You don't like crazy music.
You don't like rockin' bands.
You just wanna go to a movie show,
And sit there holdin' hands.
You're so square.
Baby, I don't care.


-This is my Kevin Garnett trade scenario

Minnesota trades Kevin Garnett
Minnesota receives…who gives a rats ass

Lets just trade the Timberwolves for the Marlins farm system.

-I can’t remember the last movie I’ve seen without looking up the reviews on rottentomatoes.com. As a rule of thumb for me, if a movie is below 70%, I probably wont watch it. Anything over 80% is a movie that I will drop everything and see right then and there.

I saw Evan Almighty and I liked it. I thought it was funny, I empathised with Evan, Catherine Bell was in it briefly, and there was at least one good ass. First of all Catherine Bell--what happened to her? Why is she not on more shows and movies? She’s in my top five for god sakes. Then the ass--Evan’s wife as an ass that looks good in jeans. That automatically raises the movie up a full point/notch/star.

I figured Steve Carell was in it and how could he possibly screw it up. I mean right now the guy could be a celebrity priest and run church for a weekend and it would be money and god would like it too. It would be funny but also guilt ridden too.

The movie had some environmental/save the trees themes to it which I like (but I'm sure others don't) and I thought it was worth the money.

Tomatoes didn't though, rating it 22%.

Best line of the movie was…

“We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” bwahahahaha I never thought the Jaws quote could ever be so funny.

-The big three movies that this summer was based off of was Spiderman 3, Shrek 3, and Pirates 3. Here’s my rundown of each.

Spiderman3: basically just a wuss swinging around town. Does nothing for me.
Shrek 3: First two were good but I can’t see myself going to a theatre and seeing it.
Pirates 3: eh Keith Richards is cool but I cant ever seem to pay attention to any of these movies.

Instead, my big three are just coming out now.

-Die Hard 4
I’ve always been a Die Hard fan even though these movies have Jerry Bruckheimer written all over them and I typically don’t care for action movies. The Die Hard collection has been a favorite of mine from the awesomeness of Die Hard 3 to the ridiculousness of Die Hard 2 (where the entire German army was against him pretty much. Tangent: John McLane vs. John Rambo in Rambo III who wins? )
All the reviews for this have been awesome--3 out of four stars or better.

-Transformers
I’m still worried about the whole Michael Bay thing and his use of needless love stories. I can just see him putting in some love story with Optimus Prime and--ugh--Cameron Diaz or some shit like that.

-Simpsons Movie
This was the movie that everyone was talking about last year and then it there was nothing. I remember the Xmen 3 dvd made it a point to include a Simpsons trailer in their movie and that was is.
I must say that this movie is just a little more than a curiosity for me since I haven’t really followed the Simpsons in…awhile. In fact I don’t think I’ve seen one episode in over 6 months which is crazy and I have the first 8 seasons on dvd.

-I just bought Black Snake Moan and I still believe that it’s the best movies of the year. The case says that it was a great performance by Justin Timberlake but all he had to do was have sex with Christina Ricci.

Hell, I could’ve done that.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Boof = Hero

I ain't got no future or family tree
But I know what a prince and lover ought to be

It’s so god damn hot in here. I’m sitting in this conference room and they’ve turned off all the supply fans to this building because…no one works past 4pm.

**clears throat**

I remember the times before my family had central air--we had those stupid window units that would cool off one room. The kitchen had one and my parents had one in their room. Both would be cranked and while the kitchen and parents room would be nice and cool at 65 me and my brothers room would be a sweltering 87 with a fan to blow around 87 degree heat around.

I remember me and my bro hanging out in our parents room until they kicked us out so they can go to bed. We would be in the hall staring longingly into that room of cool air as my mom closes the door on us and we were left in the hallway with half our bed sheets sticking to ourselves. I thought that was pretty much child abuse if nothing else but that image of our mom closing the door on us.

I finally whined and cried enough to get central air which my parents didn’t understand because….

THEY HAD A DAMN WINDOW UNIT IN THEIR ROOM!!!! Empathy doesn’t run in our family.

I remember I would take a cold shower and that would only make me pumped up. I remember practically screaming in the shower because the cold water felt awesome. Then I got sweaty again.

Yeah I had no real point to this entry.

Steph called me a wuss for whining but I’m no wuss. She glorifies her eggnormous blister but I had an infected finger.

Infected finger > blister

In fact, I’m an American hero for having that infected finger because I spread the word as to what paranychia can do to you. I even held a parade for myself and had tootsie rolls to throw out. I didn’t have the classic generic chocolate tootsie rolls mind you. No, I had the flavored tootsie rolls so it was all legit and everything.**

Boof: and American Hero
Steph: a weirdo who obsesses over blisters the size of texas.

I choose Boof!

Now this is like an incoherent rant. I’m done.

**parade consisted of me eating a handful of flavored tootsie rolls as I walked down my street to steal a Sunday paper. Hey, I waved at the neighbor at least.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Poopy Crap

Alone, listless.
Breakfast table in an otherwise empty room.
Young girl, violence.
Center of her own attention.


Crap List

1. The local get-together
Basically it was a county fair without the county involved. Sometimes these can be fun but most of the time they’re good to just roam around and see some people. The food is usually reasonably priced and the atmosphere is generally decent.

Bottomline: it’s a good way to kill a couple hours.

Estimated time spent at our local get-together: 5 minutes

It was a beautiful summer day, Sunday afternoon, and Nascar was on tv so you’d think some people would do something away from the house. Sunday afternoon this place was so dead that the carneys were mere zombies and people were sleeping. It was just completely and thoroughly pathetic. The beer garden only had about 15 people in it!

I blame the lack of people due to the poor planning of the deal. There didn’t seem to be any sort of pattern to the stands or anything. Basically it was like, pavement =rides and grass equals stands (where ever you want to place them). There was bingo which was great…if you’re 70 and the car show which had about ten cool looking muscle cars but good lord, come up with something. There was more action at the old folks home.

2. The “poopy news”
I rubbed my eyes and made my way towards my bathroom one morning. I entered the bathroom where I saw this note taped to the mirror,

Hey Roomie,
Poopy news, yadda yadda yadda
We owe $800 for the electricity bill due to rising gas prices.

Toodles,
The roommate

The bill was actually there and it did look legit but I frown on the “rising gas prices” because….bull-fucking-shit. I haven’t looked at the latest price of coal but I haven’t heard anything. Also I looked at the energy use this year compared to last year and this year was waaaaaaay up.

So what makes this year different from last year? I wondered. Temps were about the same, I haven’t used the fridge to chill the temperature in awhile, and I don’t really have anything that uses that much electricity.

I looked around my room trying to figure it out. Let’s see big tv (nah), stereo that hasn’t been turned on in a couple months (nah), hot tub, computer, alarm clock…hot tub? Hmmm would constantly heating 2000 gallons of water be a major electrical use?
Yes it would.

That god damn hot tub. The hot tub that has been used about 5 times in the last 3 months.

What a great financial decision that was.

Also “poopy news”? Owing $800 is not “poopy news” it’s ‘you better sit down for this’ type of news. Poopy news is when you arrive at the ballpark with your “Michael Cuddyer fan club” banner and you find out he’s been benched because he pulled his left pinky finger or having an infected index finger, or having the runs, or knowing the dumbass at work screwed up again.

Friday, June 22, 2007

That One Mother

Ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I'm gonna be free, Lord!


This weekend my community is holding their local get-together complete with carneys and softball games galore. This weekend has always been a weekend that I will have the urge to go but doing something else always seems like the better option. I mean there’s lots of fattening food that will lead me to the thunder bucket for two days straight--which I like--and there’s that feel good summer atmosphere which is cool too. There will also be a bunch of people I went to high school with and tons of the “So how’s life?” or “So what are you up to nowadays?” conversations which I almost hate with a passion.

It’s like that buddy from ten years ago who happens to be in the same aisle as you while at Walgreens. Some people will walk up, shake hands, and reminisce about the good times. I pretend like I don’t recognize the guy and quickly get the hell outta dodge.

I remember a friends mother came into Toys’ R Us one day and this was one woman who I would gladly chop my hand off if I knew I didn’t have to talk to her. She came in and I heard her from two aisles over and I nearly shat myself in my black jeans. I peaked around the corner and there she was with her little kids. Luckily I snuck to the break room without her knowing.

I wasn’t so lucky this next time,

I went to the local bar to watch some football one Sunday afternoon and I donned the usual Sunday attire of sweatpants, Earth Day ‘99 t-shirt, and the 72 hour shadow. I was half awake and as the waitress sat me down in my booth I heard the most terrible thing,

“Mr. Berg.” I knew who it was right away. The same woman that I heroically avoided at Toys the previous time. So I sat down and listened to her bullshit, her obvious and nonstop bullshit about her kids, her late husband (really cool guy), and she was basically wanting, needing me to be jealous over her kids. I actually wasn’t listening because I wasn’t even awake at the time.

Those conversations are just hell on me because there’s only so many “oh okays” and “oh wow” and “sure” one can say before it just starts getting pathetic.

I suppose I’ll stop by just to get my hands on some thunder bucket food. I’ll probably just wear my cap down so I don’t have to run into anyone. That way I can sit back, look into the beer garden, and say,
“Woah she got fuckin fat!” as I giggle to myself.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Clip Bits

This flame that burns inside of me
Im here in secret harmonies


-One night after work I was craving White Castles. White Castle is unique because it’s the only food that you need to plan for a couple days due to every bodily fluid reeking of those nasty onions. As it turned out I didn’t have anything going on at work, didn’t have a date, nor did I need to be out in public so I successfully ate some sliders.

I threw the uneaten sliders in the fridge when BJ guy found them the next morning. I can only imagine BJ guy opened the fridge when his eyes perked up to the sight of a sack of white castle hamburgers. He then went to wake up my roommate.

“Honey!!! There’s White Castles in the fridge!” with a huge smile on his face. He actually didn’t take one because he knew they were mine but now I wish he had. Anyone that has a reaction to White Castles should be privileged to have some.

-As it turns out Sugar Tits doesn’t like gravy and Pink Floyd

Boof and Sugar Tits have -2 things in common.

- I’ve had a new regimine of getting up at 9am and watching the golfers from my deck. It’s kind of nice but then I get tired and fall back to bed at around noon and I have the best dreams. One time I was living in The Office and I was part of this episode. It was really good and we were using Hootie and the Blowfish song titles as the comedic hooks in the episode. I can’t remember much after that but I probably made love to Pam.

I was woken up to this old guy knocking on our door.

*knock, knock* “Wake up, Wake up!” which is weird since no one really knows I live her and what my sleeping schedule is. It was the old neighbor guy and he wanted to talk to my roommate.
Stupid old guy

-Here’s a great clip (woah pun) of Bert Blyleven getting his head shaved by Johan Santana. Blyleven made a bet that Santana wouldn’t pitch a shut out when he was going against the Mets. Turns out he did and Bert had to eat it.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Tommy Used to Work on the Docks

One dream one soul one prize one goal
One golden glance of what should be
It's a kind of magic


I was a bit saddened to learn about that boat that exploded at the St. Paul Yacht Club last week. From what I read this 30-something foot craft exploded after it left the gas dock. Who knows what happened because you’d figure any owner of that size craft would know enough to throw the blower on but who knows. From what I hear something went amiss with the generator.

I used to be the gas dock manager on that same dock for 5 years before I decided to do something else. At that time the gas dock was just upstream of the Wabasha bridge and I had probably the most fantastic view of St. Paul anyone could have. Working the summer weekends, I’ve seen many different boaters, boats, and learned a ton in the process. Actually this is probably where I learned to be anything even near an extrovert. After all I remembered my first summer there, when I lied about my age just to get the job, the dock master told me that I had to greet the customers.

I actually had to talk to people which was a bit scary to me. I was still in my low self esteem era and the thought of actually acknowledging people was kind of overwhelming. As a result I met tons of great people and it was a great summer job. I thought I’d share some anecdotes of my time at the yacht club.

-I remember we had this pump-out system which was basically a very powerful vacuum used to suck all the sewage out of boats. I started pumping out boats simply because I knew how to do it and I didn’t want shit all over the gas dock. After my boss told me I didn’t have to do this anymore I would warn all the boaters about how the system works--put the head over the pumpout opening, keep the valve closed, hold tight with your legs and hands, slowly open the valve. I would have way too many boaters simply lay the hose down and flip the valve wide open. As a result, the boater would have the whole side of his boat full of sewage, his whole body full of sewage, and be really pissed off.

This one guy actually listened to me and wanted me to open the valve while my friend Raymond held on tight.

Boof: No way man, you do it.
Boater: Please, I need help.
Boof: no way
Boater: I’ll give you a tip.
Boof: Well, alright.

I slowly flipped the valve open when a little stream of sewage went right at my face.

The guy gave me AND RAYMOND a dollar.

A whole dollar.

-I remember watching in horror at these kids actually swimming in the river on the public dock. They eventually came over to buy ice.

Kid: Hey, is there a good place to swim around here?
Boof: you mean in the river?
Kid: yeah.
Boof: You mean this river? The Mississippi River?
Kid: yeah.
Boof: This is one of the dirtiest rivers in the world!

-I remember the flood of ‘97 when if the water was to rise another 15 inches, the docks would’ve been lost. Oh that current was terrible too. Boaters had to use a boat just to get to the docks.

-We had the sheriff stop over all the time to fuel up. I got to know the guy pretty well throughout the years and one year he had someone shadowing him. I was talking to the guy while fueling up his boat as I was messing around with the water spigot on the side of the dock. I accidentally turned the valve on and got the sheriff all wet.

He was pretty pissed but it was too damn funny.

- One summer day I came to the gas dock from the garage while Raymond worked the dock. I walked in and there was this woman with an unbelievable body wearing a bright orange thong clad bikini. It may amaze people to know that good looking women were not as abundant as one might think because, while there was some bikinis, the average age underneath those bikinis was about 60.

I basically was blown away by this hot ass in front of me. Raymond was on the other side of this ass and he just gave me this “holy shit, can you fuckin believe this shit?” look on his face. It was unbelievable.

-That was actually much different than the usual woman with the bikini who would come around. She thought she was the cat’s ass but she was annoying and prunes shouldn’t be wearing bikinis.

-Another time a small 24 foot runabout came in towed. In it was a couple guys and this unbelievable looking woman who was the fiancĂ© of the owner of the boat. The guy couldn’t get his boat started and would just berate this woman.

“God you’re such a stupid fucking bitch.”
“Just shut up because you don’t know shit.”

And I was expecting this woman to kick his ass because it was just uncalled for but this woman was trying to help.
Woman: “Well perhaps it’s flooded and we just need to give it 15 minutes.”
Guy: What the hell do you know about this? Stupid Bitch, just sit down and shut up!
Woman: I’m telling you, just give it some time.
Guy: ALRIGHT, FINE. We’ll just listen to you, how about that. ‘It’s probably flooded’. Jesus Christ.

And the woman was very dignified and never gave into the guy.
They waited 15 minutes

Guy: Alright lets give it a try because it’s going to magically work now.

Boat starts right up. I gave the woman a little elbow and a grin and she just shook her head.

-Fueling up this houseboat ready for a evening jaunt there were about 15 people on board when one woman screamed,
“OH MY GOD, ED!!!!”

The stove inside was on fire. Ed quickly took the heavy sized camping stove and chucked the thing in the water.
“There, problem solved.” said Ed, and I continued fueling up the boat.

That’s what I remember right now but it was a damn good job.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Meeting Crap

There's a new wind blowin' like I've never known
I'm breathin' deeper than I've ever done
And it sure feels good to finally feel the way I do


Crap List

1. Meetings
I’m at the point now where I believe scheduled weekly/monthly meetings are just so some person can hear the sound of their own voice for two hours or more. I love it when we come to an incredibly simple problem and we end up reliving it three different times as people ask stupid questions and rehash worthless details.

It’s like being stuck in a roundabout where the problem just keeps coming around and around. Just when the topic seems to come to a close some ooberly old man brings up another, “non-problem” and it’s back to the stupid circle.

Old Man: I’d like to point out one problem. It seems that one of the teams ended early and I wasn’t finished with grilling their hamburgers for lunch. They had to wait couple minutes. Next year we should see to it that we finish two minutes later so we can be ready to serve the burgers on time.

And then we start back over with the whole routine again.

My solution: let the two minute overachievers wait for their damn food. If it takes too long then they can blow me.

Luckily I’ve been able to chair a couple of these meetings and I make it a point to keep things with the pulse of the meeting members. If no one says anything or contributes, we move on. For a meeting that usually lasts 2 hours, we were done in 80 minutes.

I’m no hero, oh no.
I just don’t believe in wasting time.

2. That new Maroon 5 song
I remember watching the documentary, “The History of Rock and Roll” (great documentary) and listening to the disco era and how it was like a sickness that infested the world of popular music. There were all these interviews about how terrible it was and how it was one of the worst eras of music. Disco was constantly being bashed left and right and no one had anything good to say about it.

I explicitly remember one interview with Tom Petty. Now usually when Petty is interviewed he’ll have a slow, monotone drawl as he’s sitting back with a slight grin on his face. Basically it looks like he’s been ‘rockin the ganja’ all weekend. This particular interview, after being asked about the disco era, Petty is noticeably agitated as he tries to look back on the late 70’s. I can’t quote him word for word but I remember him saying something about how he tried to create something that would destroy disco music forever because he hated it so much. He seemed so incredibly passionate towards the cause too.

After hearing that new Maroon 5 song I’m having daydreams where Tom Petty comes to a Maroon 5 concert and, in the name of Rock, blasts the members of Maroon 5 with some sort of laser that emits from his guitar neck with each power cord he uses. Then with help of the rest of the surviving members of the Traveling Wilburys, they embark on destroying all this neodisco crap that is out there.

This Maroon 5 song is so horrible. It’s quite possibly the worst song I have heard since “The Remedy” by Jason Mraz (and My Humps is bad too but at least it’s quite sexy when a woman lip synchs it). I think it has already entered the category where the Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” resides--(why that song was even created is beyond me).

This is exactly why 14 year old girls shouldn’t be allowed to watch MTV or listen to the radio because obviously their hearing hasn’t grown in yet. Or it could be that the most popular girl in the whole world likes this song and all the rest of the girls try to ‘fit in’ by pretending to like it and thus, encouraging more bands to play more neodisco. That one super popular girl probably affects like 5 million subsidiary girls and they all drink the ‘Cool Girl Kool Aid.

I can only imagine that the engineer for this song is either deaf or locked in his room like Howard Hughes. The thought of being stuck in that control room, listening to that annoying beat 1500 times, and that falsetto voice. It just sounds like a horror movie.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Smell 'Em 2007

True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken sky and burning flag.
Colours crash, collide in blood-shot eyes.


Growing up and watching sports I remember despising certain teams. Usually these teams would be the ooberly popular teams that everyone liked (bulls, raiders, kings, white sox, ect). Basically if 5 people had their starter jacket in another city then I rooted against them. With that respect I’ve always rooted for the unpopular teams--the teams that the networks would hope to god never make it to championship series (Jazz, Bills, an original 6 hockey team, and the Padres--because of Tony Gwynn).

I still have a lot of that today with the biggest example being that I wanted the Spurs to win because no one else outside of San Antonio wanted another Spurs championship. Not that really care about basketball either but I like to disappoint the sheep so to speak. I also want ESPN to lay off all the LaBron gushing they’ve been doing.

I’ve always had a deep seeded hatred for the Atlanta Braves though. I remember back in ‘91 hoping to god that the Twins win because 1) I love the Twins and 2)I hated the tomahawk chop 3) maybe it was just me but everyone seemed to want the Braves to win. I vaguely remember a SNL skit (back when SNL was good) where during the Weekend Update they were doing the tomahawk chop and I, wearing my Thundercats pajamas, clenched my fist and said with a high pitch voice
“Oh now I really want the Twins to win.”

Sure enough they did in arguably the best World Series ever but that hated continued on. Twins and Braves were very comparable in ‘91. They both were worst to first teams, both had players that grew into their role, and they probably would’ve split a 100 game series had they played one.

Then the comparison faded away as the decade went on. The Twins were stuck with the cheapest owner in sports while the Braves had the ever annoying Ted Turner (who naps during the World Series!!!!) whom spent money on the team. The Braves kept winning while the Twins had to slowly unload that ‘91 team.

Every year I was more bitter and when the year came that TBS dubbed the Braves as “America’s Team” I just about threw up. Every playoff game and World Series I rooted against them.

I even--and get ready for this--I even rooted for the Yankees when they faced off against the Braves in ‘99 and ‘96. It even gets to the point where I give a bit of a steely eye toward the Indians for losing to the Braves in the ‘95 series--I mean what the hell?

Now that Ted Turner is no more and there’s only John Smoltz from that ‘91 team that remains, I still look at a Braves cap and jersey and my blood boils just a little bit.

That’s why after a win like last night, it seems twice as sweet. Knowing that the Twins came from behind against Clevelands old--and worthless closer--in Wickman, winning in the bottom of the ninth, doing so against the Braves, and knowing that the TBS announcers called the Metrodome a “house of horrors” puts a pure and gentile grin on my face.

SMELL ‘EM BABY 2007!!!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Queen Bits

We're only human, baby
We walk on broken ground
We lose our way
We come unwound


-With everyone saying how much of a genius David Chase was for that crappy ending I’m wondering if he could make a bad ending to those people. I mean the guy could probably have dancing monkeys with midgets riding tricycles and it would still end up with people saying “wow, see, the midgets represent the small sense of reality these mobsters have”.

Midgets riding tricycles would’ve been better too.

-I know everyone is dying to see this but this (not for the queasy)was one of my highlights of last weekend. When I saw this I had a smile from ear to ear.

After all, when your finger feels like it’s going to blow up this feels really good.

-More Live Aid ramblings…

Judas Priest had a terrible feedback problem. Usually for these DVD’s they edit and clean up all the feedback, swearing, and anytime the singer is off. Well, during “after midnight” there’s pretty much feedback through the whole thing.
Yuck.

-Also during Live Aid Robert Plant, Jimmy Page, and John Paul Jones regrouped as the remaining members of Led Zeppelin (although they didn’t come out as LZ). Anyway, so apparently Phil Collins asked Robert Plant to drum for them (because when I think of Led Zeppelin, I think Phil Collins) after John Bonham had already died back in 1980. Interestingly enough, their performance wasn’t included on the DVD because they didn’t like the quality of it.

This interview that I found on you tube is amazing to me.
1.) it’s possibly the most awkward interview ever
2.) Jimmy Page is completely “out of it” and everyone knows it
3.) Robert Plant seems to handle the weird questions like a pro and only cares about his solo career
4.) Throughout the interview Phil Collins senses some awkwardness and diverts the attention onto himself
5.) Page gives quite the look when Plant talks about his solo stuff.
6.) The interview. Never. Seems. To. End!

-Also on Youtube, I found one of the best performances ever. Queen rules.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Sextuplets

When you believe in things that you don't understand,
Then you suffer,
Superstition ain't the way


And one other thing about that bullshit ending,
Basically you could cut the last 20 minutes of any movie and give the excuse that “oh it’s up to the viewers interpretation of how the movie ended”.

Wow, that’s SOOOOOO god damn creative I just shat myself! So intellectual and symbolic by chopping off the ending.

And to those who say, “oh well it’s obvious that he was whacked” Well, was it? I mean if they decided in five years to have a movie or reintroduce the series, Tony’s definitely not coming back? Yeah right.

Anyway if I had sextuplets I would probably shit my pants everyday for 6 days.

I can just imagine the announcement by the doctor,

8th month checkup at the docs office.

Doc: Tommy and Gina, I have some good news for you.

Tommy: yeah I bet you do… assface
Doc looking at Gina: is there a problem with him?
Gina: oh Tommy used to work on the docks. Unions been on strike and he’s down on his luck.
Tommy: it’s tough, so tough

Doc: well, anyway instead of one miracle you two can expect 6 miracles

Tommy: oh Christ you gotta be kidding me.
Doc: nope you’re going to be a father 6 times over.
Tommy then has a look that can only be described as ‘I’m having 5 more kids than I expected.’

Gina: C’mon Tommy, we gotta hold on to what we got. It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not. We got each other and that’s a lot for us.
Tommy: We also have 6 other kids in the oven or did you forget about that already. Also it does make a difference if we make it or not because how do you divide a Doritos bag eight different ways? I’m going to have to actually start going to church now so I can use the Christian card for some of these kids.

Alright, we’ll give it a shot

Fast forward to the birth. Three kids pop out and now the next three are on the way. Tommy holds Gina’s hand and helps her though

Tom: Ohhhh we’re half way there
Gina: OOOOOOOHHOOOOOH LIVIN ON A PRAYER
Tom: what? The hell does that mean?

Pop, pop, pop the rest of the babies come out.

***********

Good lord that would suck. I mean yeah miracle of birth and 6 little miracles and all that but good lord. I suppose I could raise them to be baseball players and put all my hope and dreams into all of them so I could live vicariously through all of them. All six of them. I would name three ‘Huey, Dewey, and Louie’ and laugh about it for 50 years. They would hate me but it would be funny!

I would be a terrible father based on my sense of humor. Another kid could be named Dick and another would be Trickle. Their grandfather would be proud.
Their Grandmothers would probably be appalled.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Wow, That was Horrible Crap

You had your time
you had the power
You’ve yet to have your finest hour


Crap List

1. The Sopranos Ending

An hour before the finale begins…

Boof: You know, I bet this ending is going to be a downer. I mean how can it possibly live up to the hype ya know?
Hog: Yeah that’s what I’m kinda thinking too. We’ll see I guess.

Two hours later, during the last 5 seconds of the show Boof and Hog are sitting back in their chair with their arms folded.
Then, the ending..

Boof looking at Hog: uh…what?
Hog: Oh no. Did I just chop off the ending?
Boof: FUCK!
Hog: Oh god dammit!

Then the credits come on…

Silence for about 5 seconds
Boof and Hog look at each other incredulously.
Boof: Did they just…end the show like that?
Hog: I…guess?
Boof: NO!!! OH SON OF A BITCH COME ON!! THAT WAS SO BAD THOUGH!
Hog laughs with disappointment: Wow…

******SPOILER ALERT!!!!!*********



Nothing fucking happened! AJ went through about 3 phases as he discovers himself, Meadow couldn’t parallel park if her life depended on it, and Phil was taken out without much satisfaction (except for the car rolling over his head). Once Journey’s ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ started playing, I had quite the frown on my face.

******************************

The annual Berg Spring Cleaning is more entertaining than that crap and it even has an ending--my dad sitting on the chair eating shoe string potatoes and eventually falling asleep.

I know the Sopranos ending left pretty much everything open for…well, anything to happen now which makes this whole “last episode” bullshit seem like a complete waste of time. Actually the entire 6th season (save for the 2nd to last episode) was entirely dismissible. They had us wait over 2 years for this awful season and with all those great episodes in the first 5 seasons and THIS is how you end it?

I remember a year ago when I had my Sopranos marathon and how I watched like 6 episodes in a day just to catch up with the season 6 premier. Thank god I only got into this show a year ago because I can not imagine how pissed off I would be if I watched for the entire 8 years. Ironically, my reaction after 8 years of viewing would probably have a much more entertaining ending than this episode.

I now change my mind on the Sopranos--the show sucks simply because of the last episode. I don’t care if a movie comes out because as someone pointed out before, the move would be a trilogy,

Part 1: The Soprano family paints their house
Part 2: The Soprano family then sit in lawn chairs and watch the grass grow.
Part 3: They all die of old age.

Despite that stupid fucking ending, I’ve come up with better endings than what happened the other night.

-Tony gets whacked by Paulie (who has secretly been working for Phil Leotardo) as he drives AJ from his run. AJ then grows up pissed off and vengeful and leads the New Jersey mafia gang.

-Tony finds Phil at the gas station and they duke it out until Tony beats the crap out of Phil. Phil bleeds so bad that his hair gets messed up.

-Tony and Phil find each other in the wild west and they decide to have a showdown at high noon. They both attempt to step 15 steps but cheat and turn around after 3 and end up shooting each other simultaneously.

-Silvio makes it out of his coma and takes a walk in the park when he comes across Bruce Springsteen.

Silvio: Hey, it’s da real boss
Springsteen: Hey how are ya doin? Hey do you know any guitarists around here? The E Street Band needs a new one.
Silvio: Hey, I can play guitar. What the hey.
Springsteen: You gotta wear this bandanna though.

Then the show ends with Tony, Phil, and the entire cast of the Sopranos at the Bruce Springsteen concert rocking out to “Glory Days”.

-The classic Growing Pains ending where the Soprano house is empty and the family has a tearfelt goodbye. AJ then picks up a childhood toy and sets it on the floor. The family then exits and the sunlight fills the empty room. Tony then falls on a banana and dies.

-Phil finds Tony and chains him up to a wooden post in the middle of nowhere. Phil then degrades Tony as the New York family laughs on. Just before Phil kills Tony the “hand of god” then comes down and makes everything right (The Stand ending--thanks for nothing Stephen King!)

-Phil decides to live his life on the run and buys a semi. After five years on the run Tony runs into Phil at a Topeka truck stop and decides to wait in the semi for Phil and then whack him. As the truck does some weird shit, Tony hops out and blows his cover as Phil is walking back from the truck stop. Semi then transforms into Optimus Prime and both Tony and Phil look at each other in comedic fashion and simultaneously say “What the fuck” and Prime kills Tony. Prime then leads the New Jersey family based on guilt and sorrow.

-Meadow strips naked

-Tony finds Phil using a pay phone at a gas station and sticks an ice cream cone up his nose and shaves his eyebrows.
Show ends with Tony saying,
“haha it was a sticky situation.”

-Tony and Phil go at it Mortal Kombat style. Phil falls for Tony’s uppercuts while Phil’s lightning surge is useless. Tony then performs a babality and baby Phil cries a lot.

-Tony, worried about what Phil is thinking and when he’ll get whacked decides to enter a gym and workout his frustrations. After 5 minutes on the elliptical machine he stops and wipes the 2 gallons of sweat on his brow. Tony then looks back and recognized Osama Bin Ladin doing lat pulldowns and chokes him to death.
Tony is a hero and Phil gets so frustrated that he…dies.

-A heartfelt scene where AJ and Tony have a father/son heart-to-heart when AJ starts whining about how depressing life is. After AJ’s lecture on genetically modified foods Tony gets so frustrated that his head explodes.

-Janice dies

-Tony chokes on his popcorn as he watches the last episode of Friends.

Any of those would’ve been better. Any of those endings would’ve left me with a feeling like it ended and not this open ended crap they pulled on us last night.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Live Aid: A Play-by-Play

And the Christmas bells that ring there
Are the clanging chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you


With my love of concert dvds I recently bought a teaser dvd of the Live Aid concert in 1985. The concert featured 63 artists from around the world on two stages in London and Philadelphia. The concert also featured the most glorious mullets I have ever seen.

With that I’m going to give you my play-by-play of this teaser dvd as I see it. I will include the act, song, and how many mullets I see in the set for your enjoyment.

Why? Because I care.
That’s why.

The Royal Salute
(mullets: Bob Geldof with his general style mullet along with numerous acts sitting behind princess Diana and Prince Charles)
I’m not British but this seems kinda stupid.

Status Quo: Rockin’ All Over The World
Mullet count: 1-the guitarist has this jerry curl mullet deal goin.
Who the hell is Status Quo anyway? Of all the acts why would these guys kick off one of the biggest rock concerts in history. This song is on the wrong side of horrible. Must’ve been a request from Princess Di.
The fans seem to like it but what the hell do they know. Status Quo actually did the triple guitar leaning deal too. Yuck.

Boomtown Rats: I Don’t Like Mondays
Mullet count: 2- Geldof has this tears for fears type thing going and the drummer has a mini mullet
Now I know why I never got into the Boomtown Rats--it’s because they suck and I don’t care for Geldof’s singing. I remember totally disliking Geldof because I didn’t know who he was but somehow he was able to bring the whos who of singers to this gig.

The Style Council: Walls Come Tumbling Down
Mullet count: nothing… wow
I don’t really know the Style Council either. They seem really happy as if they came out of a Wham video.

Ultravox: ???
Mullets: 0
Again, Ultravox doesn’t ring a bell but the song seemed pretty cool. Whatever it was.

Spandau Ballet: True
Mullets: 2--the guitarist has a modest mullet while the lead singer has this poor man’s mullet deal going on.
These guys suck too. I think they had a song on GTA and judging by how bad the singer is, I think it’s good these guys didn’t continue on.

Bryan Ferry: Slave to Love
Mullets: 1 the guitarist has this droopy dog ear thing going.
Nothing really to say here. The guy looks like a math teacher.

Nik Kershaw: Wouldn’t it be Good
Mullets: Jackpot-everyone has a sizable mullet in this group. Nothing spectacular but they’re indeed mullets
Pure 80’s is all I can say.

Sade: Your Love is King
Mullets: 0
If you can get past that almost baritone voice and mute the song, she’s got a lovely set of DSL’s. I mean eee gads.

Paul Young with Alison Moyet: That’s the Way Love Is.
Mullets: 3- Young, Guitarist, and Drummer. Young has this spiky business end going while the party end seems like an 11 in the white trash dept.

I can’t remember what Paul Young did that he was so popular but he did something and I have no idea who Moyet is. When I first saw her I figured she was a woman then I heard her sing and I started to wonder a bit because she sounds like a man. Not that the song was bad but Alison Moyet really threw things off for me.

Sting: Roxanne
Mullets: none
I assume this was after the Police split up (well, Sting had enough with the other guys in The Police). A pretty weak version of Roxanne with just a clarinet and his guitar. You know, if all these acts donated half their fortunes there probably wouldn’t be any poverty in Africa.

Howard Jones: Hide and Seek
Mullets: 1-it looks like a cat died on his head about 2 weeks ago. You may want to wash that at some point.
Fans throwing the finger and are bored at this guy. God that mullet is bad though.

Elvis Costello: All You Need is Love
Mullets: none
Very cool rendition of the Beatles classic. Not a bad idea to get 80,000 fans together

Dire Straights with Sting: Money for Nothing
Mullets: 3 (guitarists, drummer, and sorry to say that Knopfler has a subtle sorry one)
I don’t care Mark Knopfler rules

U2: Sunday Bloody Sunday
Mullets: 2 really good ones (Edge actually has hair and is sporting a permed mullet complete with bald spot and Bono…) Bono has just about the most glorious mullet I have ever seen. It looks like he’s wearing a kids size fur coat on his head. It blows in the wind and everything. If you’re going to grow a mullet, this is how you do it. Wow I bet he never gets cold in the winter.
U2 live is about as good as it gets live and they certainly don’t disappoint here. I don’t really think they’ve lost much in the 20 years since. Well, except their writing ability.

Bryan Adams: Kids Wanna Rock
Mullets: 1.5 (guitarist has a huge mullet and Adams has a debatable one)
The mixing wasn’t up to speed right away with the bass drum sounding like a shot gun. I bet Summer of ‘69 was good though.

Kenny Loggins: Footloose
Mullets: Everyone has some low end version of a mullet. They’re all about an inch too long in the party area.
It seems that Loggins wore his pajamas to the gig today. Also I wonder how many people vomited from this song as the performance was bad enough but the people dancing in crowd… ugh. I should never ever watch Footloose ever again.

Neil Young: Nothing is Perfect
Mullets: 2-the guitarist has one and the drummer has the makings of one
I’m wondering if this song was part of his country album that he came out with. His record company then, I believe, made him have his next record more rock ‘n roll so he came out with a 50’s style album.

The Cars: Just What I Needed
Mullets: 3- bassist, drummer, guitarist
I pretty much dislike The Cars with a passion and looking at Rick Ocasec makes me want to vomit. Knowing who Rick Ocasec married makes me want to vomit too.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: American Girl
Mullets:1- drummer
Petty doesn’t really have a mullet as much as he has a carney hair style but he does have these mutton chops that almost come down to his mouth. I’ve really changed my stance on Petty through the years. I hated him at first (I never understood the like for ‘Freefallin’) but now he’s alright in my book. He puts on a decent show. He also flicks off the crowd too which is cool.

Pretenders: Stop Your Sobbing
Mullets: none that I can see
Pretenders suck… that’s it.

Simple Minds: Don’t You Forget About Me
Mulets: ???
I could never ever stand anything that has to do with Simple Minds. I couldn’t stand how VH-1 played this stupid video 20 times a day and I couldn’t stand how the lead singer bounces around everywhere he goes. Nails on a chalkboard.

Judas Priest: Livin After Midnight
Mullets: none, just a ton of hair
Thank god they got a little metal into this deal. All this pop is kinda giving me a headache ironically enough.

Madonna: Holiday
Mullets: 1- the drummer has something weird going…and he’s African American! Oh my god, can that be possible?
This is…crap especially her two dancers who can only be described as fag-hags. They seem really happy to be back there though. I wonder if any of them got a piece of that?

The Beach Boys: Wouldn’t it be Nice
Mullets: none but they’re all tan as hell.
I think the Beach Boys pretty much carried the stock of florescent colored clothes in the 80’s. This was before John Stamos joined the band (did he join in place of Brian Wilson?). Here, it looks like Brian Wilson is playing along with them which I was a bit surprised of.

Crosby, Stills, and Nash: Teach Your Children
Mullets: none although Stills has a rat tail I think
Very nice song to play and it was a great touch to have everyone singing the chorus. Who doesn’t know the words to this song?

Queen: Radio Gaga
Mullets: who cares
I’ve never been much of a Queen guy but the best front man in the history of the world IS Freddy Mercury. The guy could sing “oops, I did it again” and it would be tremendous. I mean the crowd is completely into this performance. Simply amazing is Queen live.

David Bowie: Heroes
Mullets: None, Bowie knows better than that.

Not bad. I went to school with a guy that looked like David Bowie. We called him David Bowie.

The Who: Wont Get Fooled Again
Mullets: The Who don’t do mullets
The Who simply kick ass live. John Entwistle is somewhere in there I think.

Elton John: Bennie and the Jets
Mullets: too many- nearly everyone has one including the Wham dancers in the back (who’s shorts are way too short--Elton’s gay you say eh?) and unbelievably Elton himself has a mullet.
Elton John looks really pale in this concert and I’m wondering if this is close to the time where Elton was starting to lose it. I mean looking at him is like looking at cocaine. He even acts like it.

Elton John and George Micheal: Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me
Mullets: Elton and the Wham singers back there.
I wonder if Elton and George ever…uh so how bout them Twins eh?

Phil Collins: In the Air Tonight
Mullets: Collins has this balding mullet deal going
Collins actually performed in London and then flew to Philadelphia because I guess it’s cool to waste that much time and money and gas to play on two continents in the same day. I dunno. Where’s Peter Gabriel when you need him?

Eric Clapton: Layla
Mullets: none that I can see
It’s probably the 1 millionth time Layla had been performed and he doesn’t disappoint. Now if someone could only tell him to put screens on all his windows. Why does he use two drummers?

Duran Duran: Reflex
Mullets: The guitarist has the 2nd best mullet of the day. I bet he could shelter a couple African villages with his hair.
Surprisingly enough the lead singer does not have any hair. I was expecting a mullet of biblical proportions but he didn’t have one.

Temptations w/ Hall and Oates: Aint to Proud to Beg
Mullets: The two white guys both have outstanding mullets. Oates has the perm mullet while Hall has the 3rd best mullet of the day going. It’s blond so it glistens.
Hall and Oates probably had the worst decade in the 80’s because it was like they wanted to be hair band but they would play R&B stuff. Who were they trying to attract?

Mick Jagger w/ Tina Turner: State of Shock
Mullets: Jagger has something going there.
This was definitely a highlight of the show because Turner and Jagger had so much energy. I wonder how many pills it would take for them to retain half that energy if they tried that same performance now?

Bob Dylan with Ron Wood and Keith Richards: Blowing in the Wind
Mullets: can’t tell
So I wonder why Richards and Wood didn’t play with Mick Jagger? They played with Dylan right after Jagger’s set . Very good ending to the US show.

Paul McCartney: Let it Be
Mullets: none
Of course McCartney has to end the show even though he isn’t really the best act. What is worse is that David Bowie, Alison Moyet, Pete Townsend, and Bob Geldof--of the four people, why these 4?-- join in with the “Let it Be” parts and they somehow screw it up. It’s very awkward like the Live 8 send off where McCartney and company were trying to force the “na na na’s” onto everyone after “Hey Jude”

Everyone: Do They Know it’s Christmas
Mullets: oh my god…everywhere
It seems kinda weird the they’re singing a Christmas song in the middle of July. It’s a good moment but I’d rather they just give the microphone to Freddy Mercury and simply let him do the whole thing.
I don’t know why they didn’t put the “we are the world” version on here but I suppose it sucked so whatever.

I was a little surprised that none of the Led Zeppelin set appeared on here. You’d think that them simply standing around would be enough to warrant them their own boxed set. They had to really suck in order to not make the list.

I suppose I’ll have to wait until Live Earth starts

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Roger Waters is Coming!

You walk across a baseball field
The grass has turned to straw
A flock of birds tries to fly away from where you are


-I think my stint on that tree club is coming to an end rather quickly. It’s not that I’m uninterested in trees (because I am and everyday I think of what particular trees to put in my future yard) but talking about trees is soooooo god damn boring that I find myself uncontrollably moving around in my seat.

That’s the problem with dealing with the environment and natural resources--it’s just not fun to sit around and talk about the stuff. Usually it’s very disheartening and frustrating and dealing with the problems is hard to convey to people who don’t have the same needs. I the problems and suggestions are not as fun to talk about as it is going out and seeing the stuff. Like Emerald Ash Borer Beetles are one thing to talk about but seeing examples and heading out to the forest is another thing.

Perhaps having meetings outside is an order.

-That same tree club meeting I had a conversation with one of our older members.

Old Lady: So this particular house then has a fence. Guess what color this fence is.
Boof: uh…red?
Old Lady: it was blue
Boof: oh like a light blue?
Old Lady: No, like a navy blue
Boof: oh, sounds nice.
Old Lady: NO, it was horrible. I can’t believe anyone would have a fence like that.

Old people kinda crack me up sometimes.
I must’ve missed the memo on that one because what the hell? I wouldn’t mind having a navy blue fence.

-I’ve always wondered what the saying, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” really meant because although I know the meaning of the phrase, I don’t understand it. I mean when I have cake I usually have it and then eat it…too. So what the hell?

Apparently the saying is supposed to mean that you can’t have your cake and eat it too…and then still have it. So basically I wont be saying it anymore.

Instead I’ll be sayin, “you can have picture in picture, but you can’t have picture in picture in picture”

-The local radio station is selling a 4-pack of tickets for $92 to see Roger Waters at the Xcel Energy Center on June 30. I have another buddy who is interested but if anyone else has a general curiosity to see Dark Side of the Moon played in it’s entirety at the Xcel Arena for $23 then let me know.

The last time he was here he played in the Target Center and as biased as I am, the concert was really cool. For $23 this is a steal!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

I Fainted

Sunshine on a shiny ocean
Sunshine on a shiny bay
I opened a tiny shutter and
Sunshine blew me away


Over last weekend I noticed that my finger was growing tender by the day. Right below the cuticle a sizable bulge started making its way and putting pressure on the rest of my finger. The actual term is paranychia and I’ve actually had it before so I wasn’t too worried.

2004 Black Hills
Working for the Forest Service I had this same bulge on my left thumb. I didn’t know what it was so I ignored it for a few days. Eventually the pressure and pain was so much that I winced in pain while on the job and started doubling over. My coworker looked at my thumb and it was very much disproportioned and the size of two thumbs. My coworker stepped back and said,
“oh my god huhuh.” because the sight was very odd.

I got some antibiotics and I accidentally nicked that thumb onto something and tons of pus went draining out of my ballooned thumb. Everything was great after that.
****

This time the problem is on my index finger and it was just before the point of throbbing paint so I called up the doc so I could get it taken care of. Doc sees me and tells me that he can drain the fluid out and give me some pills.

Doc: Sound like a deal?
Boof: yup lets do it.

So I sat down and the doc shot some Novocain in my finger. The needle bothered me a little but I was cool about it. Then the doctor sets a scalpel and tweezers next to my finger.

I’ve never ever been a queasy person when it comes to this stuff so I still felt comfortable with everything--I’m not the wuss that Steph would have you believe. I couldn’t feel my finger and I really wanted this infected finger to go away. So I continued making conversation with the doctor.

He picked up his tools and I naturally looked away. I couldn’t feel anything but I knew he was doing something and time slowed up a bit. I must’ve started breathing heavily when he asked me if I was alright and I assured him I was alright and to continue on. Slowly my vision started fading away and I was having tv-like snow filling my peripheral vision.

“Actually I’m starting to feel a little light headed.”

Doc then gets up and gives me a Dixie cup full of water. I drink it and I’m continuing to go numb and losing control. I set the cup down and soon my vision was nothing and I hit this dream-like state. I had a song in my head that was going on and on and I was in this crazy dream state. It was like when you press your eyes in and you start seeing weird colors and shapes.

I then felt a tug on my shoulder and I looked up as my vision slowly came back to me and this doctor was looking right back at me slightly worried. I had no idea where I was but I knew this man was a doctor.

Did I get into a car crash?
Why am I here?
What is wrong with me?

The heartbeat increased and I broke out in a cold sweat as I couldn’t figured out what happened.

“What is going on?” I worriedly asked.

“You passed out there. Your head was slumped down and I caught you before you crashed to the floor.”
I started looking around the room and slowly I started realizing why I was in this room and what I was doing before I went out.

“How long was I out?” because it felt like I was gone for an hour.
“About a could seconds. I turned around and your head was dipping. It’s a good thing you told me about the light headedness. How much have you had to eat today?”

Now I couldn’t even remember where I was a couple seconds ago let alone what I had to eat so I just shrugged my shoulders and gave him a “how the hell should I know” look. As it turns out I had a little nutri-grain bar for breakfast and a liter of water--then I went and ran 4 miles and lifted some weights right before I went into the doc’s offices so…yeah, I didn’t have much in my stomach.

It was kinda crazy fainting in the doctor’s office but what is even weirder is “waking up” and seeing the doctor with a somewhat worried look on his face. Just the sense of not knowing what the hell is going on was very odd to say the least.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Pork Chops

'Cause it's the new mother nature taking over
It's the new splendid lady come to call


Friday 8am

Phone rings….

Roommate: wakey wakey.
Boof: uh hey…
RM: Sorry to wake you up but I have a job for you.
Boof: uh yeah..
RM: In the fridge I have two pork chops and two steaks. EAT THEM!
Boof: oh uh okay. I guess I’ll have to do my duty and eat that stuff then. Hell yeah

I never really grew up with pork chops on the dinner menu growing up. I was more excited about the steaks but I know that pork chops have been on people top five list so I wanted to make these right.

I got home from work and I was fixed on these pork chops. One of my longtime friends had a party that night which I said I would come over but these pork chops were telling me that I should stay home and watch Kevin Slowey pitch.

Growing up my dad would do all the grilling (naturally) and every burger, brat, and steak he grilled was tough, dry, and tasted like charcoal. One doesn’t know anything else growing up so one assumes that this is how everything is cooked over a grill. I’ve never had anything medium or even medium well. I’ve never had the thrill of having juices lead out of a steak.

This was my chance to make and learn how to grill some great steak and pork chops. I looked up some recipes and started experimenting.

On one chop I marinated it with my favorite crack like hot sauce--Frank’s Red Hot (I know H this is weak hot sauce so bite me) and I drenched the chop in that stuff. The 2nd chop I put a different mix of seasoning on. I think I used black pepper, seasoning salt, basil, and other stuff.

I warmed up the grill and my mouth started to water. After five minutes I went back to the grill only to find out the propane was bone dry. My beautiful pork chops were right there in the plate waiting for me to cook them. I briefly thought about cooking them up on the pan but I nearly slapped myself for such a sentiment. I ended up hopping in my car and breaking into my parents place just to use their new, phat grill.

I didn’t wake them up and I was ultra quiet as I stumbled outside and back inside carefully turning the chops and timing everything. I was even able to catch the last of Kevin Slowey’s outing as well.

I took them off the grill carefully and sat down with the steak sauce just in case things didn’t taste right, knife and fork in hand, and wishful thinking. I took a bit out of the marinated chop and it was very good--definitely something I would make again. Then I decided to try the seasoned chop…

I closed my eyes and chewed slowly for the pork was amazing. I looked up and mouthed “oh my god” because is it possible that I just cooked the world’s best pork chop? I certainly think so. My first reaction was to grab a Kleenex but luckily I had more of this heavenly dish to eat. Now I can’t wait to buy pork chops.

Then the steak… very good. Not as good as that one pork chop but I made it to my liking and I gave a deaf ear to my mom who kept saying,
“You gotta cook it longer. So it gets black.”

Now I think the seed has been planted because I want to start grilling up stuff that I never thought I would grill up. Oh those juices and that taste…mmm damn

Monday, June 04, 2007

Congrats Fuckface

But I don't give up,
no, I don't ever give up
It's all I got,
it's my claim to fame


First of all the Sopranos last night was….AWESOME!!! Next Sunday cannot come fast enough.

Crap List

1. Again….Fuckface

I know this is like the 12th entry with Fuckface but this blog is for my own therapy and I need to vent. With that being said, I am officially putting Fuckface in the illustrious category of “most frustrating people I’ve ever had to deal with”. He used to be in the “top five crap list” category but he’s now joined the list that only my mom has been on for at least 15 years.

Congrats Fuckface, I don’t know how you did it but well done. You have managed to make my blood boil, dampen my mood by simply thinking about you, and giving me that ugly scowl whenever I see your name on my phone.

It was last week when I received the phone call from him.

FuckFace: I told you that we need to do things “this” way.
Boof: Soandso told me this way and there’s no way I’m going to spend that money and fall for this typical trap. Not to mention I don’t remember you ever telling me this.
FF really angry: I told you last year. Look at your emails and find the one where I told you this.
Boof: Look, I’m sorry. I’ll look for the email and I’ll do it the way we talked about.
FF: yeah, okay----hangs up---

It was a test. It was way too easy to become furious and throw my phone around so I held it in. I held it in because perhaps I’m wrong and I simply missed that email. I’m man enough to admit my mistakes unlike other people. So I checked.

I looked at every email he sent me last year. Every painful, frustrating, idiotic, nonsensical email he sent me. With each note I felt the little white flame from inside growing bigger and my eyebrows started twitching. I was reliving last year and nowhere was this email. I finished all 50 emails and I was about ready to start beating the shit out of my car.

Things were going so well too. I mean there was a long period of time where we would actually get along…and joke around. We would say “have a good night” and greet each other with a smile! Hell, if I was to see Fuckface in a restaurant with his family I might even go over to his table to say hi,

Boof walks up to Fuckface’s table with his family: Hey Fuckface hows it goin? I just wanted to stop over and say hi and wish you a goodnight. The pork chops here are awesome by the way.
Fuckface: yeah….have a…good night

Son: Dad, did he just call you ‘Fuckface’?
FF: I….don’t know. I thought I heard that too.

So I sent him an email that says that I really want to get on the same page and that we had a breakdown in communication somewhere.
On the inside I was like: If I ever see you at a bar, you better hope I’m not drunk for I will level you.

I have had dreams of this guy transferring to another job or even getting promoted so he moves to Knoxville or something. I don’t want the guy to lose his job because that’s terrible karma and he’s got a family to feed. I also really don’t want to harm the guy too much. I mean I just hope he has a huge canker sore and bites into a ketchup filled hot dog or maybe have a zit on his hip so when his pants tighten up he can have that piercing feeling of having a zit right there.

If Fuckface got transferred I would probably jump up and pump my fists and celebrate as if I won the Stanley Cup. In fact if he got transferred I would construct a Stanley Cup--I would buy tin foil and find some fat cylinder cardboard boxes and sit in my garage and make a Stanley Cup. I would then engrave the cup with as follows,


1991 ATLANTA BRAVES
2002 DENNIS GREEN
2004 CREED

2007 FUCK-FACE

I would then carry that Stanley Cup around and celebrate for a full 24 hours. MARK MY WORDS!!!!

Well since there’s no sense in putting anything else on the crap list I’ll just leave it at that.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Come On Kevin...

Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin


I remember when Liriano came up a couple years ago and how it was a bit like test driving a friggen bad-ass car. As it turns out he did okay but his stuff looked awesome.
Then I remember when Garza came up last year and the same feeling came again. He did okay and his stuff was alright but it was still exciting.

Now Kevin Slowey is another pitcher that the Twins have coveted. I don’t think any clubs have been willing to give Alfonso Soriano or any big name players for him (like Garza and Liriano) but he’s certainly looked good in the minors. He’s also replacing Ramon Ortiz so that’s enough happiness to share for at least a couple days.

Slowey will have his debut today in Oakland and a here’s a couple things about him. One thing about Slowey is that he really doesn’t walk anyone. This year in AAA he’s pitched just over 64 innings and has walked….5 hitters. Basically when he walks anyone the spectators should all stand and remove their caps with a collective gasp. Also by saying that I’m well aware that Slowey will probably walk the first hitter he faces today. Also his style has actually been compared to Greg Maddox if you can believe that.

So, if Slowey amounts to anything, the staff will look like this,

Santana: The best pitcher in baseball
Boof: Strike out pitcher who’s getting better
Silva: sinker ball pitcher who’s finding his grove
Baker: ??? One good game and another bad one

All in all it seems like a pretty good mix and with Garza waiting in the wings and if these new bullpen guys can hold a runner or two, we might be in okay shape heading into the all star break.