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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Twins Hot Stove

People try to put us d-down (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we get around (Talkin' 'bout my generation)


-I can't believe some Twins fans were surprised that the Twins didn't re sign Hunter. I find it even more surprising that those same people are shocked that they would trade Santana. I find it even more and more surprising that they're mad that Nathan is on the trading block.

Do you people even try to think ahead?

I mean when was it? Back in '95 when the Twins basically unloaded Tapani, Erickson, and Knoblauch. Then it happened again in 2003 with Cristian Guzman and AJ Pierzynski. So why is it so surprising that it's happening again?

I've got news for you. If Morneau continues to be the awesome hitter he was in '06 well then we probably wont be able to keep him. Same goes with Liriano. Don't act surprised! Please!

Hunter isn't even worth half of his paycheck (and yes I know the market is saying otherwise but screw the market). Hunter was a 5 hitter on the Twins which means he's almost a 7 hitter on a good team. I can't ever say that I went to a game to see Hunter because he seemed to be more disappointing than exciting just because he had little plate discipline. When you think of a guy like player like Arod, the highest paid player in baseball and someone like Jacque Jones Hunter seemed to be a lot closer to Jones than Arod. I don't think Hunter could ever take over games and be nearly as dominating as people think. I know he's been on plenty of highlight reels but so what.

We knew that Santana was going to be traded at some point last year. No way the Twins would seriously attempt to sign him long term deal and the whole idea of "hometown discount" is completely lost on me. If you mentioned 'hometown discount' to any agent they would probably have about 30 jokes starting out with "I got your hometown discount right here".

But look at it this way. Let me give you a potential line up and you tell me if you would've rather watched the Twins from '07 or '08

lineup

Jackoby Ellsbury
Mauer
Delmon Young
Morneau
Cuddyer
Kubel
Redmond
Casilla
Punto (hopefully a Nathan trade can fix this)

SP
Bucholtz
Baker
Boof
Perkins
Slowey
Liriano

I think that might be fun to watch. I certainly don't think we'd be playoff bound but seeing as the average age of that team is 24 I think we might have something to grow on. I'm really doubting that the Sox would trade both Ellsbury and Bucholtz but for the sake of my imagination I'm going to just throw that in there. But good lord, Young and Ellsbury in a lineup with a good change of lefties and righties. Dang that's almost sexy!
Then you have the starting rotation with Clay Bucholtz, the guy who pitched the no-hitter in his 2nd major league start along with Baker who was showing some very strong signs of being a MLB pitcher. Boof needs a little time but has the stuff, Slowey will be decent in time and Liriano...woah. If Liriano is half of what he was last year the Twins could be in damn good shape for the future! 2010 would look great with these guys

Monday, November 26, 2007

TryptoCRAP

We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side

Thanksgiving wasn't too bad this year considering it was in Packerland

Crap List

1.  Thanksgiving in Packerland
I actually felt a bit guilty rooting against the Packers.  Not because I hate the packers but everyone in my family was rooting for them so innocently as if they've been immune to all the Farve love for the past 15 years.  Even my 92 year old grandma had a Packers shirt so me booing the Packers as loudly as I was was a bit hurting.  I mean I'm certainly not going to stay quiet or, heaven forbit, root for them but when Joe Buck asks,

superdouche:  Troy, do you think announcers go a bit overboard when they give praise to Brett Favre?

Boof trying to hold it in:  ugh....grrrr..no, no!  no!!! NO!!!! NO THEY DON'T GO OVERBOARD BECAUSE WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT ABOUT BRETT?  I MEAN THE GUY NEVER THROWS BAD PASSES HE JUST THROWS--okay, okay, sorry everyone.  I'm quiet now.

Soperdouche:  Look at how the lights glisten off his helmet.

Boof:  no....no, no way.  I can't take it anymore.  THE LIGHTS GLISTEN OFF YOUR SHINY VAG YOU DOUCHE!  SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT BRETT.  CRITICIZE HIM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.  IT'S ALRIGHT TO SAY HE SCREWED THE POOCH WHEN HE MAKES A COMEPLETE DUMBFUCK PASS!  Alright, I'm going back in the car to cry. 

 

2.  The Aunt making everyone play games.
Some people like playing games and some don't.  I'm warming up to the idea but when 10pm rolls around and we're all winding down at my Aunt's place, game time is about done.

Oh but no, she is practically lifting us out of our chairs to play.

Aunt:  Let's play scrabble
Family:  meh...bleh
Aunt:  well, lets play something.  I mean what else are we going to do?

Boof to himself: We could simply watch TV until we fall asleep since we did drive 4 hours to get here. 

But to ease the pressure I said that I'd play cribbage because it's a kick ass game.  My dad joins in and as far as I'm concerned it can end right there because my bro is an annoying putz when it comes to cribbage and my mom simply doesn't play.

Oh no, but Auntie insists that they play too so we have a 5 way cribbage game going.  Cribbage five ways is like trying to play four square five ways--it really doesn't make much sense.

So we play and my mom is struggling with the game because she's never played before.  Me, sporting a headache and belly full of turkey, is on a short fuse so I can't help but say my snotty comments when my brother is being a putz and my mom is trying to count to 31.

"Okay bro, do you have a card that less than 24?"
"Mom, lay down that five so we can get 2 points please."

I'm pretty much a dick when it comes to this but I don't care because I have a headache and 5-way cribbage is so, so retarded. 

3.  Tryptophan

I think I touched on this last year but I can't stand that person that has to bring up what tryptophan is and why it's we're so sleepy after eating turkey.  Please, spare me the useless medical knowledge because you're not smart.  Just because it's a word that has more than two syllables doesn't make you a fucking genius. 

Next year whoever says Tryptophan will get a Thanksgiving punch by me.  I'm making that a new tradition.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Boston Sickness

Haven't you heard it's a battle of words
The poster bearer cried
Listen son, said the man with the gun
There's room for you inside

 

Crap List

1.  The New England Patriots
There was once a time where I actually sided with most of Boston sports.  A time where I sympathized with the losing, the hatred toward New York, and even the heartbreak.  The humbleness that would be Boston sports was like rooting for the little guy to beat the favorite.  I loved stuff like this bit.  I rooted for the Sox in '04, the Patriots pretty much every year they went to the Superbowl and the Celtics. 

Then they all started winning like fucking mad.  The Celtics are like 9-1, the Patriots are playing video game football, and the Red Sox won the World Series.  Thus, my hatred for New York teams has been waning and now I'm starting to exert the hatred towards Boston. 

Take the Patriots for example they score 40 points every game.  Now for every team that has a prolific offense I get very bitter towards that team.  I hated--HATED-- the St. Louis Rams and all that 'Greatest Show on Turf' utter bullshit and sure enough I'm getting the start of that hatred toward this Patriots team.  It's all because of that '98 Vikings team and how they were the ones to play video game football only to lose it in the end.  We had that awesome offense!  We should have all the glory!  We should've beat the damn falcons and their dirty bird crap!

Anyway,

Take last night for example.  Video game football in play with Brady just throwing it to Moss and the poor, poor stupid Bills defense doesn't know how to cover Randy Moss.  You'd think after two touchdowns that they'd stop picking on the Bills and give it to someone like...hmmm...like Laurence Maroney.  But no, Moss left, Moss right, Moss down the middle--it's seriously that kid who runs up the score on video game football.

And I understand the whole 'there's no such think as running up the score in football' argument.  A team can get something going and make a game out of it.  Not with the Patriots though.  The Patriots can do whatever they want against a defense. 

What are they supposed to do being up by 40 in the 3rd quarter?  Kneeling the ball would be a bit of an insult but so would keeping in the starters and having them continue to kick ass too. 

My solution:  bring in a bunch of Make a Wish kids and suit them up to play the Bills.  Make the offensive line work their ass of to literally protect the life of little Billy who is terminally ill.  The kid can say they were a part of a Patriots dynasty and if they don't live through the game, well they went with glory!

Or better yet...FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST PUT IN MARONEY!  I drafted him thinking he would be rushing more than ten times a game and I'm getting mighty pissed off.  Have Maroney and Moss switch jerseys or something.  Just to screw around with the other team.

So now that I've established my distain for the Patriots I want to address the who's who of Boston sports personalities.  I'm talking about Denis Leary, Bill Simmons, and Paul Fitzgerald.  I loved listening to all of them for the heartbreak and the hatred towards New York sports.  I reveled in them complaining about the Sox and their comic routines with Boston sports being the punchline.

Now those same guys are pretty annoying with their sherry and gloating and their "Hey, I predict another Boston victory this weekend...FOR EVERYTHING!!! bwahahahhahahahahahah Wins for everyone!  Yay!!!"  Bill Simmons has his weekly article on how great the Patriots and Celtics are and it drives me nuts.  It's not even entertaining.  At least Packer fans who bend on one knee to the sight of Brett Favre is entertaining--that's like 'going to the zoo' entertaining.  This Boston orgy fest is vomit worthy.

The worst part about all this Boston love fest though is all the ex Minnesota players on all these winning teams.  David Ortiz with the Red Sox, Kevin Garnett with the Celtics, and Randy Moss with the Patriots(hell, throw in Manny Fernandez with the Bruins).  THEY WERE ALL HERE AT THE SAME TIME AND WE SUCKED.

So Boston is successful and guys are talking about it, what do you want them to do?
I want a major music festival in the form of a roast with Boston being the main butt of it.  I want a variety of different acts and I want all those musicians to give their distaste for Boston sports before each song.
Sarah McLachlan:  This next one goes out to everyone but people who root for Boston.  It's called Angel.

Then I want all those comedians: Leary, Simmons, and Fitzy to all stand in front of everyone with their hands in their pockets and apologize.  Just like their comedy acts started out when Boston sucked. 
Leary:  ah hehehe well, ah sorry about all the ass kicking.  We just wanted one championship not 5 hehe.

For that matter if the Packers and Patriots are in the superbowl I will probably be sick.

2.  "Music is my boyfriend"
ARGH SHUT UP! 

I'm talking about the Iphone commercials with this new age and upbeat tune with some annoying voice telling us about what music is to her.

Music is my girlfriend
Music is my king sized bed...

And it never seems to stop.  That commercial is constantly being played and I do believe that song is ten times more annoying than "This is our country" by John Mellencamp.  Enough already, I can't afford a stupid Iphone so stop shoving my face in it.

The song is just the type of tortorous music I can't take either.  The really fast beat and the severe lack for a genuine voice (at least in my opinion).  I like music that is allowed to expand that centers around the voice and includes some good guitar, piano, and a nice comfortable beat.  This "music is my boyfriend" is so fast that I don't understand if one is supposed to dance to it, groove with it somehow, or lipsync.  I can't imagine anyone attempting to lip sync such a stupid song without losing ten dignity points. 

Moral of the story:  bring back that dancer woman who talked about her iphone.  She was easy on the eyes and it didn't contain a really, really stupid song.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Confusing Movies

I guess you finally stopped believing
That any hope would ever find you
Well I know that story,
I was sitting right behind you


For some reason I'm not really understanding movies like I once did.  About five years ago I could really pick apart movies and get good ideas on what was inspired by the bible or the hidden meanings behind certain cuts in movies.  I could probably give a detailed report on metaphors and shit like that. 

Nowadays it seems I'll watch a movie and be confused as to the simple things like who is the protagonist and antagonist.

For instance I saw in American Gangster I didn't know if was to be rooting for Russel Crowe or the suave Denzel Washington.  I mean the movie sets everything up to be rooting for Denzel because he loves his family and gives back to the community but he's also a drug dealer.  Then Russel Crowe is a Boy Scout cop who focuses way too much on work but is all for doing the right thing.  Crowe is trying to catch Washington and it's like 'who the hell am I pulling for?' 

Also I saw Knocked up again this weekend to which I had another bout of confusion.  So Paul Rudd's character continues to ditch the wife and kids for some band or something.  The wife continues to think Rudd is cheating on her.  She ends up finding out that he's playing fantasy baseball instead and only wanted some 'getting away time' instead. 

Wifey didn't like that one bit and threw a hissy fit.  Hot ass Katherine Hiegl then goes on to say that Rudd is an enormous ass and what he did was so unbelievably selfish.

Now I understand the whole lying part because he left the whole cheating suspicion wide open but wasn't it a good thing that he was playing nerdy fantasy baseball instead of banging some other woman? 

I also totally side with Rudd in that he couldn't actually tell his wife what he was doing because that would only start a huge argument. 

So the way I see it, it was good that he was taking some time for himself because that's what keeps him sane and not yelling at his wife.  In return I would like to think that he would allow her to have her time alone if she wanted it. 
What's wrong with that?  Why is that so unbelievably selfish? 

I guess I'm a little worried because that is exactly what I would be doing...I mean I would tell my bitch what is up of course, but I totally need and value my solitude.  The thing I'm worried about is that the movie just kind of assumed that it was a horrible thing to do and Paul Rudd was worth divorcing over.  To me he did a good thing because getting away from the family maintains his sanity and prevents their baby from having SIDS.

You make the call!

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Seafood Crap

Cuz in the peaceful lull, the quiet spell
Seduced by the promise of bliss,
we soon forget that nothing's happened yet
We're living for moments like this

Crap List

 

1.  A night with the family
I consider myself pretty easy going.  When I'm with my family though I can barely take how irritating they can be.  This gives me the question:  Is it my annoying family that brings out the dick in me or does my dickiness bring out my annoying family? 

Let me start with us celebrating my bros birthday at Red Lobster.  Why he picked Red Lobster over any steak place, any deep dish pizza place, or a real seafood place is beyond me but it's his birthday so...whatever.  We go to Red Lobster and take a couple minutes to look at the menu when the waitress comes up.  We all order and the waitress says,

Waitress:  So it's Tim's birthday today

Everyone looks up in amazement.  My bro looked amazed until he realized that the card I gave him was sitting right there, face up with "Tim" written on the front.
Dad:  How did you know?  haha What a waitress!
Waitress:  What can I say, I'm psychic.
Dad:  Wow, that's very impressive.  I bet you impress all the guys with that.
Waitress:  Well I'm good like that
Dad:  Oh I'm sorry for kicking you.  It's been awhile since I played footsy with anyone
Waitress:  I would say excuse me but...

(blink:blink)  There's nothing more annoying than your dad flirting with the waitress with your mom sitting right next to him. 

Waitress then leaves but not without giving my dad a tender touch on the shoulder and we start to talk.
Mom:  So where did you watch the game today?
Boof:  Buffalo wild wings in south st. paul
Mom:  Say, I bet the waitress knew it was Tim's birthday because his card was right there.

My brother and I just shake our heads. 
Boof:  Thank you captain obvious!
My dad, still glowing from playing footsy with the waitress then asks,
Dad:  So where did you watch the game today?
Boof:  ugh, B-dubs in South St. Paul
Dad:  I thought you were going to Buffalo Wild Wings?
Boof:  That's what B-dubs is
Dad:  oh okay haha.  You know that waitress probably saw Tim's card and figured out it was his birthday.
Boof and Tim:  BAAAAAAAH!!!

I nearly exploded at that point but I tried to repress it and enjoy the food.

So my dad continued to flirt with the waitress and we continued to have the same conversation two times because either my mom doesn't pay attention or my dad can't hear.  Finally the bill comes and after all that flirting and my dad glowing as a result of such flirting he tips...12%.  Twelve percent!  Actually he shorted her a buck so it was more like 10% but he was like "oh well". 

I can't believe my bro still lives with them. 

2.  Seafood
I'm starting to try new foods because I have traditionally been a fussy eater.  When it comes to food, I know what I want and I don't want to take any chances on trying new things because if I don't like it, then I feel ripped off.  With that being said, I haven't really explored a lot of foods.

With seafood I have tried fish which I enjoy but everything else I'm starting to wonder about.  At Red Lobster I ordered the snow crab.  My parents gave me some tips on how to eat it with the cracker and the small fork so I worked away at those crab legs.  About 25 minutes later, after working my ass off, my plate and lap looked like a big kindergarten project with stuff everywhere and weird looking tools scattered around.  There really wasn't any meat to the crab legs and what meat there was just didn't taste like much.  My parents told me to dip it in butter for more flavor.  I tried it and it tasted like a glob of butter. 

As a rule of thumb, if you need to douse something with butter, it's just glorified popcorn.  The same thing goes for lobster...glorified popcorn.  That's not to say that if I was in Maine that I wouldn't try that lobster but not here.  Not at Red Lobster anyway.   

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Good news!

Now I'm here (now I'm here..)
Now I'm there (now I'm there..)
I'm just a just a new man
Yes you made me live again

I've been a bit down in the dumps lately.  Last week when I found out that my car was going to need about $2800 in service, I just couldn't stop crying and shitting in my pants.  Instead of walking around I moped and was being a negative nancy--er Boof.  I had a friend that just

Phone rings.... It's from the shop
It was getting to the point where if I saw the repair shop's number in my caller id that I wouldn't answer but I would wait about ten minutes to set myself up for more bad news.

Boof:  Hello?
shop:  Uh yeah, your car is done. 
Boof:  Sweet.
Shop:  It looks like your heads were good though so that's some good news.
Boof:  The heads were good?  YES!!!

 

So I came in the next day to pick up my car.  The woman behind the counter had a bunch of bills laid out on the table so she was looking for my bill. 

Lady looking at my bill:  Wow, that's a lot of money
Boof:  yeah I kno--WOAH, HELL YEAH!
They quoted me a price of about $2800 anticipating that the cylinder heads were cracked.  This bill was considerably less--about a grand less.  The woman looked at me like I was nuts while I was pumping my fist in the waiting area.  Apparently I caught the problem just in the nick of time and I got to the shop before it started to overheat.  The guys at the shop were surprise and I (doing my best Russian dance) was elated.

It was probably (and will be) the only time I ever get elated to shell out $1800.  Still, I'm looking at all the positives.

-Since I saved my heads it also means I may have saved the bearings.  At least to the point where I don't have to worry every time I drive it.
-I needed an oil change anyway so instead of one, I had two (because they needed to flush out all the coolant that was everywhere).
-I also needed a coolant flush and that was done
-I got a new gasket, water pump, plugs, and hoses so that's all tip top.
-I learned a little bit with the whole fiasco.  Never ever own a vehicle.
-I now feel the need to spend $1000 like crazy mad!  That's probably more of a bad thing but...so what.

I'm experimenting with ways to develop propellers that will go over my head (like inspector gadget).  That way I can go anywhere I want.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Peterson Revisited

Oh, my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels that dance around you shoulders
'Cause at times in life you need a loving hand

I must first apologize for I was lost and now I have been found.  I have witnessed this Adrian Peterson in the flesh.  I have witnessed the goodness, the power, and the grace.  Nevermind this post from a couple weeks ago...

You all know I'm a Vikings fan and you all know I am biased towards all of Minnesota sports.

With that being said,

ENOUGH WITH ALL THIS ADRIAN PETERSON TALK!!!!   

You'd think the guy was Jesus, or Brett Favre, or the 2000-'03 St. Louis Rams or all combined.  This whole damn week people have honestly compared the guy to LaDanian Tomlinson, Barry Sanders, Jim Brown, and Eric Dickerson and I'm not exaggerating!  I pretty much had it when the Pioneer Press has "The Kid Who Saved the Vikings".

I know the 'kid' is leading the league in rushing and he looked really good against the Bears last week but let's drop the wiener and not get too caught up in things.  Lets wait until the guy plays--I dunno--ten games before we crown him as being the best back in the history of the NFL. 

Perhaps the Bears just aren't that good?  I mean a 2-4 Bears record doesn't exactly reflect greatness.

So if the guy posts 40 yards against the Cowboys let's not all kill ourselves.  Okay?

I now understand and agree with that whole 'peterson is awesome as hell' deal.

I have drank the kool-aid and now I take back everything I said.  Adrian Peterson is awesome.

Alright with that said,

Crap List

1.  Overstock.com womam
Let us first take a look back and bask in the beauty of the first Overstock.com woman.  Olive skin, dark hair, dark eyes, a voice that makes me change my underwear, and her in that business suit...oh yeaaaah.  So when I first saw the beginning of a new Overstock.com ad I was leaning in my seat and anticipating the beauty of whatsherface when they showed this blond number who couldn't even carry whatsherface's panty. 
How could they do such a thing?  Do they actually think they can one-up the original Overstock.com woman?  As far as I'm concerned there is only about 5 women that could take her place.  Like if the esurance chick took over, I would not be upset at all.  I know she's a cartoon character but it's the imagination factor...and the voice.  The voice is so important.  Oooh, oooh or the woman in the Mercury commercials.