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Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Giggity Giggity Superbowl

You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever,
But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

"Out of anyone in the league, there is no one that I want to beat more than you.  I would gladly lose every game if I knew I was going to win the two games I play against you."
This was said by Hog and I totally feel the same way about him when it comes to fantasy football.

This 2007/08 season my fantasy team, Giggity Giggity has had a decidedly forgettable year.  I ended with a 5-12 record and receivers that were older than cockroaches.  I lost to Hog twice this year and Sundays just weren't very much fun after last years miracle 2nd place season.  I think Bill Simmons actually said it best with this,

The Matthew Berry Award for "Most obvious 'Eff You!' to fantasy owners"
How 'bout Vincent Jackson and Maroney turning it on in the playoffs and becoming the fantasy forces everyone thought they would be in August? What's the over/under on fantasy owners who watched Jackson make his umpteenth big catch in the Pats game, listened to Phil Simms talk about what a weapon Jackson had become, then stood up and held both middle fingers toward their TV? I say 50,000.

Yeah guess who drafted Laurence Maroney 2nd?  Then try and take a stab at who drafted Vincent Jackson somewhat early?  Who's got two thumbs and sucks ass?  This guy!

The good thing is that I actually got to use these guys in the playoffs and in return, I've been blowing away the competition.  For a guy who could only win five games in the regular season, winning three in a row in the playoffs hasn't been all too bad. 

So I'm going to my fantasy league's superbowl facing non other than Hog's 'Goodfellas' team.  We're calling it Presidents Cup III (when it's actually like 14 or something).  Anyway, I'm feeling the pressure because suddenly we don't have pride on the line but pride and $100.  I could do a lot with a hundred bucks like paying someone to clean my car, or blowing it all on one hand of black jack, and maybe perhaps I could simply hold it up and brag to strangers at the mall until someone mugs me while I walk to the bathroom.

Goodfellas V Giggity Giggity Superbowl (?)

in the League of Extraordinary Poop championship. 

"The pee will be coming out of the dickhole!" 

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I used to be on an endless run
Believed in miracles 'cuz I'm one

I remember there was some point in 2006 where I was watching another Johan gem when I thought, "man, this guy is going to be gone in a couple years."  The guy was just too good and the Twins just don't have the money to keep a guy like that.

Then I thought, "Wait a minute, imagine, just imagine, what the Twins could get in a trade."  Then I looked up to the ceiling and started dreaming of cleaning out some team's farm system and the Twins becoming dominant and young.  It was when I thought of that scenario when I started looking forward to see who the Twins could get.

Then the bids started coming in.

Red Sox offered their prospects
Yankees offered their prospects

Both bids never really blew me away.  I felt that both were undervaluing Santana.  I figured that the two would just out bid each other and pretty soon we'd have a team of Beckett, Ortiz, and Ramirez or Arod, Wang, and Cano. 

What happened today was like waiting for a date with Sara Evans and finding out it was Sara Jessica Parker instead.  I mean sure she's got a nice body and one could just close their eyes and pretend it's Sara Evans, but it's when her nose crashes through the front door is when you realize that you didn't get exactly what you wanted. 

With this deal I can't really say that I know much about either prospect but I do know that the Twins traded one of the best pitchers in baseball for four prospects.  It's a very sobering realization to know that a guy who should've been the Cy Young award winner three years in a row was traded for guys that simply 'may do well' in 3 years.

It's really frustrating and I want to be mad at someone but I don't really know who.  I mean Bill Smith seemed to be handcuffed because he needed to find a team that A) had prospects, B) was rich C) was looking for a pitcher, and D) was located on the east coast (per request from Santana).  Basically that leaves us with the two NY teams and Boston.  Yankees dropped out of the race about a week ago and, like I said, I don't know how serious Boston ever was.  Which leaves us with just the Mets.


Also whenever the Twins make a trade I tend to blindly side with them because their history of trades suggest that we all should shut up and take a breath.  Also if the Red Sox offers were still on the table then Smith liked this Mets offer better for some reason (or perhaps the Red Sox were never really interested). 

It's just really frustrating that, as a Minnesota fan, all our guys end up going east.  It's like our teams aren't built for super talented players

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Minnesota Crap

I am not your rolling wheels
I am a highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Crap List

1.  Minnesota at the Oscars

I'm all about Minnesota.  Whenever I travel anywhere else I love telling everyone that I'm from Minnesota and that their weather is nothing compared to us.  I tell all the 'cold stories' that I pray that they all get on their knees and say,
"wow, you are sooo tough for living up there.  Please, please take my bread as a sign that I'm not worthy of your Minnesotan heritage."

Yeah, all that and I never grew up playing hockey so...

Anyway with Juno and No Country for Old Men both being nominated for Best Picture you'd think that they should hold the Oscars in St. Anthony, right under the falls, where these films were conceived.  The truth is that Juno was based in some western Minneapolis suburb to which no one knows where and No Country doesn't have anything to do with Minnesota except that the Coen Bros. were born here. 

So... every Coen Bros. film that comes out will be a certified 'Minnesotan film' even if it takes place in Green Bay underneath Lambeau Field.  Still a Minnesotan film. 

And despite how everyone was all up in arms about how our accents were depicted in 'Fargo' we still welcome its' success's a Minnesotan film.

I should make a film and in it I'm going to have Daniel Day-Lewis sticking the middle finger to every state and country while flashing the state of Minnesota after every fade-away shot from Daniel Day-Lewis' blood sprayed arms.  We can play the 'state of hockey' theme music, the one line in that Lee Greenwood song, Kirby Puckett hitting the Game 6 homer, and have the Music of Bob Dylan playing.  It would simply be titled 'Minnesota' and the entire state will have such an orgasm that we'll have our own state holiday so we can just have non-stop orgasms. 

There wont even be conversations.  They'll go something like this,

Bob:  So today I ate a sand--oh.  I ate a sand-eh....A sand-guh-eh-oh damn, oh fffffuck,OH FUCK!  OH FUCK!  FUCK!  BUH!  BUUUAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.  Wuhwuhwuhwuhwuuuuuuuh.  What was I going to say?  I dunno, I'm going to take a nap.


2.  There Will Be Blood
It's not that I didn't like the movie.  I left the movie feeling like it was pretty damn good but I don't really know why.  Daniel Day-Lewis was awesome!  The score was superb!  The dialogue was amazing!  The story was...well, I don't really know exactly what the message was.  I don't really know who the protagonist or the antagonist was. 
It's really weird because the movie was about 150 minutes long and I was never bored.  After the movie I felt that it was worth the money I paid and I'm not totally against all the accolades that it received

I think I need a cliffs notes on the movie.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Boof's Packer History

Mountain gets steeper
The hole you dig gets deeper
You better stop and climb out

After that Packers loss I needed something to think about while I was on the john, so I thought about what led to my extreme dislike for the packers. I don't dislike the Packers because society tells me to, I dislike them because I feel a strong dislike for them. My mood changes slightly when I see that green and yellow--not in a 'woah he's going to set houses on fire' dislike but more of a 'god, damn Packers' dislike. Kind of like when I see an R Kelly song and I wonder how in the hell he's still popular with his terrible songs and his urinating on 14 year old girls deal.

But I thought about my past and--warning: this may be Earth shattering stuff, you may take a couple steps back from what you will see here--I wanted to find the exact point where I changed my ways.

First off some background info on me. My dad grew up in Sturgeon Bay which is north of Green Bay and half of my family are Packer fans. None of them are die-hard Packer fans but they do make it a point to watch them on gameday and I would say that I'm a bigger Vikings fan than they are Packers fan. My dad roots for the Packers AND Vikings which is completely wrong in itself so that should tell you all you should know about what kind of a fan he is. A couple years ago he heard "Griese" on the tv and said,

"Griese? He's gotta be like 60 years old by now!" After hearing that I moved out.

When I was young I certainly didn't hate the Packers at all. In fact, I wore a Packers winter hat to school.

I'll wait while that sinks in.

I'll say it again.

I wore, on my head, a Green Bay Packers winter hat to school when I was in Kindergarten and elementary in school. I did and I didn't care and I never got any crap for it either.
Then again, why would I get any crap? If someone wore a Arizona Cardinals cap anywhere nowadays, would they get any crap? Hell no because the Arizona Cardinals suck. So did the Packers in the late 80's and early 90's. Didn't the Packers go like 30 years without making the playoffs?

Anyway there was no ill will towards the Pack because they sucked. They were the crappy blue-collar crappy Wisconsin team.

I was young and wasn't alive when the Packers were good. They had Don Majkowski as a quarterback. haha "Magic Majkowski" as they said.

I even kinda wanted them to go to the Superbowl if and when the Vikings didn't have a chance. At that time there was no spoogefest for Brett Favre, the fans weren't completely obnoxious (at least not from what I remember), and they represented cold weather football in an upper midwest city.

The Packers then won the Superbowl and I was happy for them. That's when it all changed.

Suddenly these types of statements would be muttered by Packer fans,
-Best fans in the NFL
-Titletown USA
-God's team
-Who won the first two superbowls?

and suddenly it was as if Packer fans multiplied and got increasingly more annoying. I found myself thinking,
"You know, those fans are no different from any other fans."
"Titletown USA? They only won one damn Superbowl in the last 25 years. Minnesota has won more championships in 25 years."

And the dislike started from there. I actually rooted against the Packers the next year in the Superbowl just to shut those Packer fans up. The next couple of years I would look forward to "packer week" when the Vikings would play the Packers and really want the Vikings to win that particular game.

Then came '98.
Week 4 was one the best Vikings memories I had. The Packers had a 20-something game winning streak at Lambeau and I was hearing all about how impossible it was to win in 'fabled Lambeau Field'. Vikings kicked the ever living shit out of the Packers and I remember being a complete ass to my roommate in college. J was a Packer fan and I would constantly mutter Packer insults under my breath. After this game I simply stood in front of him, nodded my head with a cocky grin, and claped slow and strong claps. I still feel pretty good about that one moment and it was about an 11 on the cock scale but I was living it up.

I remember shortly after that when I was in Wisconson for something else I was wearing my Moss Jersey in some po-dunk gas station in Wisconsin. I forgot I had it on and as I was buying my candy the white trash looking woman behind the counter muttered,
"You got a lotta nerve coming in here wearing that jersey." I was actually a bit taken back by that.

Anyway 'yadda yadda yadda, wide right in '99' and I came back to my dormroom, disheveled, broken down, and head sunken. I opened up the door to my room and there was my roommate with a giant 'fuck you' grin on his face.
"So how was the game?" He asked. I was so pissed and I knew what karma was all about and how much I totally asked for it. Instead of wanting to kick his scrawny (and 'sconny) ass, I wanted the Packers to lose every game for the rest of eternity.

Then the comments like,

"Why would you not root for the Packers?"
"God I love the Green and Gold"
"Packers do things the right way"
"Look, he's like a little kid out there."
"He's having fun now."

Those drive me crazy because it's all stupid. FAVRE BLEW ANOTHER PLAYOFF GAME ON SUNDAY BUT STILL GETS A FREE PASS!?!? Remember that playoff game against the vikings where he underhanded a pass past the line of scrimmage to cost his team a first down? No one does because it was such a dumbass stupid patented Favre fuck-up of a play that no one can understand that Jesus Favre could screw the pooch. He does it every playoff game.

Wake up!

It's only when the Packers are good that I really start to really dislike that team. When they suck then, funny, the fans are hard to find and are very humble.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Titletown? pffff


I would write a crap list but it's...just...too..good.  Oh what a satisfying Packers loss.  It was the kind of game that dreams are made of.

I don't think I've ever wanted a team to lose so bad as I did the Packers and with Jesus Favre throwing the interception in overtime things could hardly be better. 

Oh do I really dislike the Packers and their fans.  The headline in the paper will go great with my anti-Packer shrine at work.

Poor Packers.  You'll git-em next year.  bwahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

And Hog, we'll see you in the superbowl.  waaahahahahhahahahahahahahah

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Houston (pics)

You've got the money maker
They showed the money to you
You showed them what you can do

I haven't written about my Houston experience so here goes nothing.  I must warn you though, this entry is going to be riddled with "I can't believe they think it's cold out" and other northern climate elitist quips.

So I arrived in Houston on a Friday afternoon to which it was about 55 degrees.  As I was waiting at the budget shuttle waiting area I was talking to the attendant.  When I told her I was from St. Paul she then laughed and said,

"Why did you bring your weather with you?  You're supposed to come here when it's warm."  And I was a little puzzled because 55 is fucking not bad for Dec 28. 


So I met my friend at the Houston Zoo where she works and she allowed me free access to see the zoo which was really cool.  One of the most bizzare sights I saw was a little girl wearing a winter hat and mittens.  Meanwhile I just took off my sweatshirt because I was starting to sweat a bit. 

Later that night we went ventured to Reliant Stadium to catch the Texas Bowl between Houston University and Texas Christian.  The stadium looked really cool and it was a little hypnotizing how big the scoreboard was and the huge HD screen it had.  We stayed for 2 quarters because neither of us really cared for UH or TCU.  The crazy thing was that Reliant Stadium has a retractable roof and it was closed on this night.  This cements my feeling that retractable roofs are stupid.

Unfortunately I don't have any pics because I forgot my camera so... deal with it.

The next day I decided that I would take the Greyhound to San Antonio and try to attend the Alamo Bowl.  My friend dropped me off at the Greyhound depot and I had to wait an hour for my bus to leave for San Antonio. 

While I waited I realized that I was probably the only white guy there and I was the only one that didn't look homeless which made me a bit concerned.  I really wanted to get to San Antonio because that's a city I've always wanted to see so I didn't let a couple hundred homeless looking minorities scare me.

When the bus came I realized why there were so many minorities--after a brief stop to San Antonio the final stop was Monterrey, Mexico so me and my 3 years of failed high school Spanish hopped on the bus for San Antonio.

The idea to spend a day in San Antonio was one of the best ideas I had over the vacation.  San Antonio, in a word, is beautiful and I couldn't have picked a more beautiful day to be there.

DSC01261 The River walk is really cool and it seems to go on forever.  I walked a lot of it but still didn't see everything.  One area has tons of bars and restaurants right next to the water and other areas have little water features.  I kept worrying that I would fall in somehow. 

DSC01264 The weird thing I had to keep thinking is that it was Dec 29 and it was this warm out and all the holiday lights were out and about.  It's just hard to get used to seeing holiday lights without freezing your ass off.

DSC01266 DSC01269The plan was to find a way to get into the Alamo Bowl which had Penn State facing Texas A&M.  The part of San Antonio I was in was filled with maroon and blue for the different teams.  I wore my maroon Minnesota sweatshirt to which a couple guys came up to me like,
"Texas A AND---wait a minute that's not an aggies shirt!  pfff"  and I also ran into some Penn State fans who said,
"You know, the Gophers aren't playing today." and then I'd say some super funny Gopher joke about how much they suck and everyone would laugh.

The funny thing about the Alamodome is that it's not a home to anything.  No sports teams call it home.  So it just sits there and waits for a convention to come. 

I didn't have a ticket to the game but I was hoping to find one.  At one point I saw a bunch of old guy sitting next to the Dennys and they were selling $75 tickets for over a hundred bucks so I was getting a little worried.  I ran into a guy who wanted to sell his upper deck ticket for $90 (face value $52) I told him I wasn't going to spend over $60 so he eventually broke down to $60.  I probably could've had a cheaper ticket but I wanted the pleasure and glory of going to the game.

DSC01272   It was a perfect night and it was very festive outside of the Alamodome before the game.  There were a ton of giveaways and cool looking giveaways.  Quenten McCracken (whoever the hell he is) was signing autographs outside and I got a free geiko lanyard which I was stoked about because I love free stuff.  I even got a cool looking plastic ticket holder deal so I felt like a VIP with my ticket in plastic.

DSC01277 The game consisted of about 8,000 PSU fans and about 60,000 A&M fans.  I sat down and took in how cool the place looked and how good my ticket was when three Aggie fans sat next to me.
"Hello, my name is Dave.  Nice to meet you"  said the head of the family that sat next to me.  As it turns out I bought his ticket that he sold earlier in the day. 
Dave:  So where are you from?
Boof:  St. Paul, Minnesota
Dave with a 'oh my god' look:  Well, haha, I wasn't expecting that.

Dave then introduced me to his son and his son's girlfriend who were all unbelievably nice.  I didn't know much about A&M football except that they were really big into football so I asked them all about A&M football to which they gave me the Aggie 101 bit.  I even asked them where A&M was located at which seemed completely stupid sitting in a section of 99% aggie fans.  haha

I came into the game rooting for the Big Ten.  Well kind of, but I didn't really care too much.  I did turn into an Aggie fan though and their fight song consists of all the fans putting their arm around the people around them and swaying.  Apparently a U of Texas fan will be in a midst of A&M fans and they'll be forced to sway because everyone else is doing it around them.  I had the group to my left swaying one way and the group to my right swaying another way.  How the hell do you solve that?  It is pretty cool seeing everyone swaying across the sections.

The game ended up with Penn State winning and Joe Paterno won his one billionth game or something. 

It's very strange hanging around the San Antonio greyhound depot at 3am.  Half the people in there were homeless and some would stare at me to which I would act like I had a gun and ignore them.  I also didn't really want to touch that much stuff because it seemed really filthy and I'm not even a germophobe.

After another weird Greyhound experience I made it back to watch the Vikings lose and took a nap for most of the day. 

DSC01311 We then went to the Space Center in Houston which was okay but was mostly boring and I love the movie Apollo 13.  They had a couple Star Wars things there which was stupid but I was mostly disappointed with the Space Center.

DSC01322 Then we saw the bay which was also really cool. 

The final day I had a whole day wasting time before my flight so I figured I would try to take a tour of Minute Maid Park.  So I walked the streets of Houston with my duffel bag of stuff trying to find the way to Minute Maid Park.  I hadn't shaved in 2 days and my clothes had looked a little dirty on this day so I really played a good homeless guy.  The temperature was only 48 so I wasn't afraid of getting mugged since this was direly cold.  DSC01327  I even passed by all these bail bond places with homeless people sleeping all around and no one asked me for change.  I really did feel a bit down on my luck but I kind of enjoyed it.  It seemed like Halloween to an extent but without the sluts and candy...and beer.

I made it to the ballpark and to my luck the tour started in fifteen minutes so I took my duffel bag and everything into the ballpark.  I was with a nice old couple from Connecticut and a really young and hot tour guide.

DSC01332 We entered the ballpark and I couldn't help but to ask the nerdiest, most specific questions ever.

Boof:  Was there much of a bidding war over the name?
Hot Tourguide:  Well, I uh I don't think so.
Boof:  Was this made with materials found in Texas
HT:  well it's made of some steel
Boof:  oooh what does this symbol mean?
HT:  I don't know.  shuddup

DSC01346 DSC01350 We got to go in the radio/tv pressbox and I got a little carried away with pictures.

DSC01355 I just had to know how all the cables went and how everything was spooled together and the like.

DSC01351 DSC01330 These are the home runs by Jeff Bagwell.  I think Brad Radke is on here like 5 times and he's not even in the same league.

DSC01356 Interesting tidbit about Roger Clemons and Nolan Ryan.  I guess both are from Texas.  Ryan has 7 no-hitters but zero Cy Youngs.  Clemons has zero no-hitters but 7 Cy Youngs.  But then that's another discussion.

DSC01359 I had to lumber around with my duffel bag as we toured the ballpark.  I was totally okay with all this because I didn't think I would get this close of a look.

DSC01372 This is the centerfield area of Minute Maid Park.  The tour guide explained why this was and right before she mentioned Crosley Park I interrupted her like a super nerd.  I was pretty stoked to be this close to the controversial MMP center field.

DSC01376 The bullpen phone.  I picked it up and I could hear the phone ringing from the dugout.  I was as giddy as a school girl.

DSC01378 Behind the scoreboard in left field.

DSC01381 left field foul pole.  It should be black.

DSC01383 Minute Maid Park is a retractable roof and apparently it's closed about 90% of the time which is heartbreaking coming from a Twins fan.  Apparently the Texas summers are really hot.  I believe them but I don't care.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Inevitable Crap

Leaves were falling ..Just like embers
In colors red and gold they set us on fire
Burning just like a moonbeam our eyes

Crap List

1.  Superbowl XLII

It's probably going to happen.  The superbowl in which the big questions get answered.
-How big is Joe Buck's mouth?
-Can his mouth fit both Tom Brady and Brett Favre's penises at the same time?
-Can he really talk with both dicks in his mouth?

I'd rather not know any of those questions.  I'd rather Joe Buck or, for that matter, any other announcer could refrain from the nonsensical praises for either of these quarterbacks for one whole game.  Lets focus on cornerbacks and secondary for just one game.

Superbowl XLII is almost destined to be the Packers Vs. Patriots and the angles behind that potential superbowl are bound to be unbelievably ugly for anyone who is not a fan of the Patriots or Packers.  Hell, let's bring the Yankees in the fold or perhaps the Celtics while we're at it.  If we're going to go the full vomit worthy angles then we might as well go the full nine.  Bring in Tiger Woods and his dad, Kurt Warner's wife, and Jerry Jones in the sidelines.

Lets have Superbowl XLII be the most obnoxious bowl ever.  Halftime could be the skankwhores of Paris, Lindsey, and Britney and then take a train and blow it up in front of 2 billion people.  Get the lead singer of Ratt and have him bang the hell out of some transvestite at the 45 yard line.  Whatever, go Chargers and ugh, go Giants.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Brief Bits

Somebody said they saw me
Swinging the world by the tail
Bouncing over a white cloud
Killing the blues

-Hog texts me with this,
"I have an opportunity to attend the Packers game this weekend.  Should I go?"

Granted that I hate the Packers and I usually can't stand their fans I would never, ever pass up an opportunity to see a game in January in Lambeau.  It would definitely be a weird clash between fantasy and penance but the tailgating would be worth it alone.

In fact I've I was talking to someone about my best Lambeau scenario.
It would involve the Packers playing the Vikings in late December or January in Lambeau.  I would be in some sort of metal outfit in that I would be underneath an inch of steel and wearing my vikings gear.  I would essentially be Robocop but instead of fighting crime in Detroit I would be a total and complete dick to the Packer fans.

Boof in his Robocop outfit:  Hey Packer fans, how many people does it take to turn around the civil rights movement?  Hold on lemme count ONE, TWO, THREE!* 

Hey Packer fans, Brett Favre has won just as many Superbowls as Doug Williams, an African American quarterback!*
Hey Packer fans, Do you all poop in your deer hunting bibs or does Green Bay always smell like this?
I thought you guys knew how to make brats?  Looks like I gotta find good food in Chicago!
Two words:  California Cheese!

And that should get them going.  That way if they decide to throw stuff at me or beat the crap out of me, I'll be behind an inch of metal.  The only thing is if someone decides to pee in my air hole.  I would have to develop an intricate system of that someone doesn't pee in my air hole.

*Yes, I understand that racism exists everywhere but this is to just piss off the fans while wearing my robocop outfit.

-I just picked up the Robert Plant and Alison Krause cd and it's probably one of the best albums I've heard in years.  I didn't think Plant could have anything near the voice for such a project but he sings very nicely.

I didn't think the two of them would be able to collaborate either but 'Please Read the Letter' and 'Let Your Loss Be Your Lesson' are really good songs

-I just bought a 2.5 pound bag of gummy bears and I blame everyone but me.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Top 5 awkward moments...

Caught out running - just a little too much to hide
Baby baby, everything's gonna work out fine
Please read the letter - I nailed it to your door

I finally got most of my deposit back but not without a some shameless negotiations. I had my own bathroom to which I cleaned superbly. It was 'guy clean' AND 'woman cleaned' in that most women could walk up and give their stamp of approval. Apparently the bathroom wasn't cleaned to her liking and she's taking $50 to which I agreed on because I don't want to deal with her or that blasted bathroom anymore.

Therefore, I feel the need for a little bashing and with that I give you the top 5 most awkward moments of my time with my ex-roommate and her BF, 'BJ Guy'.

6. The Sex Swing
Actually there were six big awkward moments from my time spent there. One day I came home from work at around 12:30am and I opened up the garage to enter like any other night. It was dark and I ran into something that was hanging with chains. I was immediately startled and headed towards the light switch. Sure enough it was a swing complete with stirrups and a spring shock all hanging from the ceiling. The box it came from was sitting right there and I immediately reverted to my 'guy in the background of the most girl' look.

In the days after they tried to hide it by placing another box on top of the sex swing box and leaving the hanging spring section of the swing.

Probably the most disgusting part about this was (other than thinking of two 50 year olds banging the hell out of each other) was when BJ Guy was drunk with the neighbors and decided to swing in the sex swing. Some might think of Sara Evans swinging away but not BJ Guy.

5. Condom in the hot tub
I know it's pretty disgusting to even think about using the hot tub that they had and the STD buffet that was probably in it but I did indeed use it a bit. I guess the tablespoon of chlorine you toss in before you use the tub made me feel a bit comfortable. Instead of a STD buffet it seemed like an STD sampler.

So I open the top halfway to toss the chlorine in and I get my swimsuit on and get ready to take a mid winter dip. I take the top completely off when I noticed a small green package sitting on top of the waterfall feature. It was a fancy Trojan condom.

Again, the 'background mosh girl look' came upon my face.

A sidebar to this point is when BJ guy was showing me his pictures and he skimmed a picture of some strange looking lady with a dick in her mouth in the hot tub which is just outside my bedroom window.

I think I'm pregnant now.

4. The shit toilet
When I moved in I had the expectations that I had my own bathroom and if I was to have my own bathroom then no one but me would be using such a bathroom. As it turns out "my bathroom" was nothing more than the official 'riding the thunderbucket bathroom' because whenever someone would make a stop to Taco Cabana or White Castle and they needed to 'ride the thunderbucket' they would do so in my bathroom because... hey what am I going to do about it.

So I come home from work one night and I see the light to "my bathroom" left on. At that point I knew something bad was going to happen because that light shouldn't be on and my roommates like to drink so I was thinking someone was passed out or 'riding the thunderbucket' with the fucking door wide open.

As it turns out someone clogged the toilet and left a really cool looking mess in the toilet. Oh and the smell was just grand too.

3. Roommate in the bathroom
So I had a girl over (ooooh I know, I know) and when that happens you have your room cleaned, you try to be all smooth, and you hope that everything goes right. The night was going right. My date seemed happy and everything was going well when she had to use the restroom.

Boof: Right upstairs and to the left

Fifty seconds later my date enters my room with a bewildered look on her face.
Boof: oh no. What happened?
Date: Ah your roommate was in the bathroom, naked, and using the toilet with the door wide open.

This was probably the most pissed I ever got at my roommate. She had her own bathroom and had no business being drunk, naked, and using my bathroom.

Luckily that wasn't the reason why I was dumped. Not that it matters.

2. Garage part 2
This is the 2nd time I caught them in the act. Now I'm not so uptight that if two people are making out in a room that I complain about it. Nah I think I'm pretty easy going when it comes to things like this as long as they try to be a tad bit discreet about it. When BJ guy is eating out my roommate right in the garage and right at the pedestrian door going to the garage, then that's not being discreet. In fact sex in the garage is just kinda wrong. I mean you put your flammables and motor oil in the garage you don't 'flick the bean' in the garage.
At least not right next to the trash.

1. Garage part 1
This was the first day I moved in and can be better explained with this and this entry. I caught my roommate sucking BJ Guy's dick right there in the garage when it was wide open for the neighbors to see. If the neighbors decided to take a nightly stroll they would have fellatio right in their rear view mirror. Basically because I didn't know my roommate at all I was kinda freaked out. Especially since I think she chomped down on BJ Guy's phallus. I thought BJ Guy was going to come kick my ass in my room with a penis coughing up blood.

I had no idea why they were in the garage instead of their bedroom but I was just too naive and unaware of what I was heading in for.

One of our last conversations went like this,
Roommate: buhuh, geez I just wonder what kind of stories you told your friends about us. I bet your friends all know about us huh?
Boof: yeah I had to tell a few people.

I must say now that I moved in with an old friend things are much easier and comfortable with H and his gf. I have a bitchin king size bed to sleep in and when the room was cold they gave me a space heater.

The only thing is that they know I will eat candy so they leave candy out knowing that I will grudgingly eat it. They gave me coke bottles last weekend and now I feel like eating nothing but candy.

Also I got my record player working and one of my joys is to play a record to sleep to. It sounds like an old man thing to do but listening to the blues on vinyl is simply magical.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Back to Reality Crap

Lately I've been talking in my sleep
Can imagine what I'd have to say
said my world would be right
if love comes back your way

Crap List

1.  Coming back to work after vacation

It was the winter of Boof...and now it's over.  Remember how awful Sunday nights would feel knowing that you have wake up for school the next day and how awful waking up to that alarm clock is?  I remember and sucks big fat fucking dick.
Oh this vacation was great.  I got to go to a warm climate.  I took in exactly 4 sporting events, one movie--one fucking stupid as hell/dumb ass movie--and I got to hang out with good friends nearly every day.  I had projects to keep me from thinking about certain people that I shouldn't be thinking of and I was genuinely happy most of the time.  I honestly felt soooo good that I nearly shed man tears and no, I didn't fall in love and Sara Evans didn't give me my tight leather pants porno fantasy. 

I just felt unrestrained and carefree.  There was a time when I was walking along the beautiful riverwalk in San Antonio when I thought to myself,
'Dang, I could really go for Sara Evans in some tight leather pants and I'm kinda hungry.  I wonder if there's a cheap place around here?'
Then I thought,
'Wait a minute, fuck the cheap place.  I'm in San Antonio and I'm on vacation god dammit.  I want steak and the most expensive steak in the joint and I want the pleasure of giving a ten dollar tip.'

I did just that and it felt so good.  If Sara Evans was in sight I would've probably sought out her size and went running to a leather pants place.  Ugh, and now it's gone. 

2.  Moving

I'm starting to wonder if the worst part about moving is the cleaning, the hard work, or the dealing with parents.  I'm beginning to think the latter because the comments and the bickering is too much to take.

"You have too much stuff."
"Why did you move?"
"Can I give this to the Goodwill?"

and it never ends.  It's bad enough I have to clean bathrooms and pack up but dealing with the 'rents and then having to move in is a complete pain in the ass. 
Now I still need to collect $100 from my previous landlord and suddenly she's not answering her phone.  Now while I've told plenty of stories about her and BJ Guy I've always affirmed that they were decent roommates.  If I don't get my $100 then I'm going to rip both of them like no one has ever seen.  To be continued

Thursday, January 03, 2008

I'm back!

Satisfied but lost in love
Situations change
You're never who you used to think you are
How strange

(tap, tap) Hello?  Anyone?


I have about ten posts worth of stuff and it's all good.  Well, at least it has the potential to be cool. 

I think I'll get into it all very slowly with this one entry just giving you a taste of what is going on.


-I cleaned
I spent about 3 days cleaning the hell out of my room and my bathroom.  My bathroom in particular was in horrible shape with soap stains everywhere and hard water stains galore.  I learned that I will never ever have sliding glass doors in my future bathroom because they are a total bitch. 
I did, once again, prove that cleaning your bathroom every week is bullshit and doing it all at once is the true way to go.  At least for guys.  I've proved that point twice already and I plan on proving it more in the future.

-I moved
Once I cleaned that son of a bitch bathroom I took my dried up hands and moved out of the place with BJ guy and my 50 year old roommate.  It wasn't exactly like the last episode of Growing Pains but I did get my $450 deposit back. 

-I moved in
with my parents for about 3 days.  I was already moved out and had a trip to Houston planned so I would've slept on the street but it was cold and the bottom bunk bed had an electric blanket so...I figured a couple days at home wouldn't be too bad
Wow, was I wrong about that.  My mom is so bored that she not only looks through my stuff but she chronicles it, analyzes it, and then gives me a report about how I should change things and how wrong things are. 

It brings the stress level to about a 11. 
Then you bring in the whole coming back home thing and a 28 year old, balding male sleeping in the bottom bed of a bunk bed in his parents house.  That right there is kinda depressing.

-The trip
I went to Houston to visit a friend and to get away from the cold for awhile.  It was awesome and it was worth every last penny.  I even got to see the Alamo Bowl which was one of the coolest things I have ever done.  I even got a free lanyard!

-The trip aftermath
Oh it sucks, it sucks, it sucks.  I WANNA GO BACK! 
Texas:  palm trees swaying (at least where I was at), warm 50 degrees, and just the overall tranquility of vacation.
Minnesota:  cold, dead, salt stained cars, parents, problems, and the thought of more moving. 

The first thing my dad said to me as I hopped in his truck was,
Dad:  Your TV is busted.
Mom: I went through all your stuff and now you should know where everything is.

I felt like crying right there.

-The new place
nice, cozy, and no Naked least not yet. 

I'll talk more about this later but for right now I'm just going to continue enjoying my vacation from work.