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Sunday, January 27, 2008

Minnesota Crap

I am not your rolling wheels
I am a highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky

Crap List

1.  Minnesota at the Oscars

I'm all about Minnesota.  Whenever I travel anywhere else I love telling everyone that I'm from Minnesota and that their weather is nothing compared to us.  I tell all the 'cold stories' that I pray that they all get on their knees and say,
"wow, you are sooo tough for living up there.  Please, please take my bread as a sign that I'm not worthy of your Minnesotan heritage."

Yeah, all that and I never grew up playing hockey so...

Anyway with Juno and No Country for Old Men both being nominated for Best Picture you'd think that they should hold the Oscars in St. Anthony, right under the falls, where these films were conceived.  The truth is that Juno was based in some western Minneapolis suburb to which no one knows where and No Country doesn't have anything to do with Minnesota except that the Coen Bros. were born here. 

So... every Coen Bros. film that comes out will be a certified 'Minnesotan film' even if it takes place in Green Bay underneath Lambeau Field.  Still a Minnesotan film. 

And despite how everyone was all up in arms about how our accents were depicted in 'Fargo' we still welcome its' success because...it's a Minnesotan film.

I should make a film and in it I'm going to have Daniel Day-Lewis sticking the middle finger to every state and country while flashing the state of Minnesota after every fade-away shot from Daniel Day-Lewis' blood sprayed arms.  We can play the 'state of hockey' theme music, the one line in that Lee Greenwood song, Kirby Puckett hitting the Game 6 homer, and have the Music of Bob Dylan playing.  It would simply be titled 'Minnesota' and the entire state will have such an orgasm that we'll have our own state holiday so we can just have non-stop orgasms. 

There wont even be conversations.  They'll go something like this,

Bob:  So today I ate a sand--oh.  I ate a sand-eh....A sand-guh-eh-oh damn, oh fffffuck,OH FUCK!  OH FUCK!  FUCK!  BUH!  BUUUAAAaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.  Wuhwuhwuhwuhwuuuuuuuh.  What was I going to say?  I dunno, I'm going to take a nap.

 

2.  There Will Be Blood
It's not that I didn't like the movie.  I left the movie feeling like it was pretty damn good but I don't really know why.  Daniel Day-Lewis was awesome!  The score was superb!  The dialogue was amazing!  The story was...well, I don't really know exactly what the message was.  I don't really know who the protagonist or the antagonist was. 
It's really weird because the movie was about 150 minutes long and I was never bored.  After the movie I felt that it was worth the money I paid and I'm not totally against all the accolades that it received

I think I need a cliffs notes on the movie.

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