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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Top 5 awkward moments...

Caught out running - just a little too much to hide
Baby baby, everything's gonna work out fine
Please read the letter - I nailed it to your door

I finally got most of my deposit back but not without a some shameless negotiations. I had my own bathroom to which I cleaned superbly. It was 'guy clean' AND 'woman cleaned' in that most women could walk up and give their stamp of approval. Apparently the bathroom wasn't cleaned to her liking and she's taking $50 to which I agreed on because I don't want to deal with her or that blasted bathroom anymore.

Therefore, I feel the need for a little bashing and with that I give you the top 5 most awkward moments of my time with my ex-roommate and her BF, 'BJ Guy'.

6. The Sex Swing
Actually there were six big awkward moments from my time spent there. One day I came home from work at around 12:30am and I opened up the garage to enter like any other night. It was dark and I ran into something that was hanging with chains. I was immediately startled and headed towards the light switch. Sure enough it was a swing complete with stirrups and a spring shock all hanging from the ceiling. The box it came from was sitting right there and I immediately reverted to my 'guy in the background of the most girl' look.

In the days after they tried to hide it by placing another box on top of the sex swing box and leaving the hanging spring section of the swing.

Probably the most disgusting part about this was (other than thinking of two 50 year olds banging the hell out of each other) was when BJ Guy was drunk with the neighbors and decided to swing in the sex swing. Some might think of Sara Evans swinging away but not BJ Guy.

5. Condom in the hot tub
I know it's pretty disgusting to even think about using the hot tub that they had and the STD buffet that was probably in it but I did indeed use it a bit. I guess the tablespoon of chlorine you toss in before you use the tub made me feel a bit comfortable. Instead of a STD buffet it seemed like an STD sampler.

So I open the top halfway to toss the chlorine in and I get my swimsuit on and get ready to take a mid winter dip. I take the top completely off when I noticed a small green package sitting on top of the waterfall feature. It was a fancy Trojan condom.

Again, the 'background mosh girl look' came upon my face.

A sidebar to this point is when BJ guy was showing me his pictures and he skimmed a picture of some strange looking lady with a dick in her mouth in the hot tub which is just outside my bedroom window.

I think I'm pregnant now.

4. The shit toilet
When I moved in I had the expectations that I had my own bathroom and if I was to have my own bathroom then no one but me would be using such a bathroom. As it turns out "my bathroom" was nothing more than the official 'riding the thunderbucket bathroom' because whenever someone would make a stop to Taco Cabana or White Castle and they needed to 'ride the thunderbucket' they would do so in my bathroom because... hey what am I going to do about it.

So I come home from work one night and I see the light to "my bathroom" left on. At that point I knew something bad was going to happen because that light shouldn't be on and my roommates like to drink so I was thinking someone was passed out or 'riding the thunderbucket' with the fucking door wide open.

As it turns out someone clogged the toilet and left a really cool looking mess in the toilet. Oh and the smell was just grand too.

3. Roommate in the bathroom
So I had a girl over (ooooh I know, I know) and when that happens you have your room cleaned, you try to be all smooth, and you hope that everything goes right. The night was going right. My date seemed happy and everything was going well when she had to use the restroom.

Boof: Right upstairs and to the left

Fifty seconds later my date enters my room with a bewildered look on her face.
Boof: oh no. What happened?
Date: Ah your roommate was in the bathroom, naked, and using the toilet with the door wide open.

This was probably the most pissed I ever got at my roommate. She had her own bathroom and had no business being drunk, naked, and using my bathroom.

Luckily that wasn't the reason why I was dumped. Not that it matters.

2. Garage part 2
This is the 2nd time I caught them in the act. Now I'm not so uptight that if two people are making out in a room that I complain about it. Nah I think I'm pretty easy going when it comes to things like this as long as they try to be a tad bit discreet about it. When BJ guy is eating out my roommate right in the garage and right at the pedestrian door going to the garage, then that's not being discreet. In fact sex in the garage is just kinda wrong. I mean you put your flammables and motor oil in the garage you don't 'flick the bean' in the garage.
At least not right next to the trash.

1. Garage part 1
This was the first day I moved in and can be better explained with this and this entry. I caught my roommate sucking BJ Guy's dick right there in the garage when it was wide open for the neighbors to see. If the neighbors decided to take a nightly stroll they would have fellatio right in their rear view mirror. Basically because I didn't know my roommate at all I was kinda freaked out. Especially since I think she chomped down on BJ Guy's phallus. I thought BJ Guy was going to come kick my ass in my room with a penis coughing up blood.

I had no idea why they were in the garage instead of their bedroom but I was just too naive and unaware of what I was heading in for.

One of our last conversations went like this,
Roommate: buhuh, geez I just wonder what kind of stories you told your friends about us. I bet your friends all know about us huh?
Boof: yeah I had to tell a few people.

I must say now that I moved in with an old friend things are much easier and comfortable with H and his gf. I have a bitchin king size bed to sleep in and when the room was cold they gave me a space heater.

The only thing is that they know I will eat candy so they leave candy out knowing that I will grudgingly eat it. They gave me coke bottles last weekend and now I feel like eating nothing but candy.

Also I got my record player working and one of my joys is to play a record to sleep to. It sounds like an old man thing to do but listening to the blues on vinyl is simply magical.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

what you live with H?
I heard the hostels of Austria are nice this time of year.....