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Sunday, February 10, 2008

Flu Crap


One left her sweater sittin' on the train
The other lost three fingers at the cannery
Everything's so easy for Pauline

Crap List

1.  Having the flu...while driving truck...with someone else who also has the flu.

The past 5 days or so I've caught some strange bug which makes me really weak, and irregular coughing fits.  Basically I don't make fun of kids anymore because I suddenly fear for my life.  One little bootie in the butt and I'm dead meat.  So I've been trudging along for the last 5 days or so trying to get myself healthy again so I can safely start making fun of people and having the strength to either run away or sit on someone. 

Then I got this text message from Raymond,
"Me and NIck both have the flu.  The vomit is flying.  Worst case scenario"

oooooh, yeah that does indeed trump my 'little girl beating me up to a pulp at the local playground' nightmare, or the 'getting your jugular sliced off during a hockey game' nightmare.  That's just a very bad scenario.

My friend Raymond just started driving truck last October/November.  He moved down to Tennessee and ever since we've all tried to keep tabs on where he's at and what he's doing.  This past week he and his brother decided to tag team the operation for some extra company and maybe for an adventure.  Apparently they got that--actually it's not even an adventure, it's just pure shit luck is all that is.

When I think of Raymond and Nick I think of them stuck in a 10x7 box with about ten inches of puke, fecal matter, and some urine.  Every time they stop the wave of diarrhea comes up to the cab and splashes out the windows.  On top of that when they aren't puking or 'riding the thunderbucket' they're coughing and moaning like zombies.  Oh my god that's so horrible! 

I remember when I had the flu (at least I'm 95% sure I had the flu).  I was in bed, woke up, and looked at the ceiling and thought,

"There is absolutely no way I'm going into work today." which was probably the first time I had ever thought such a thing.  Up to that point I don't think I ever took a day off of work because of sickness.  I always had a cold or wasn't feeling 100% but I still would manage to gather myself and go to work (even when I shouldn't have).  I always had plenty of reasons to be at work and being sick just was unacceptable. 

Driving truck though, with that ten inches of miscellaneous bodily fluids floating around--that's gotta really suck though.

2.  Johan Santana

I never did get to write about this so here goes nothing.  It truly sucks that he's gone.  He was my favorite player and I would actually try to attend any game that he pitched.  I figured it was only a matter of time before he left. 

I mean imagine if you were a pitcher, a dominant left handed pitcher with a fucking awesome change-up, you kept smoking away everyone in the opposing lineup.  First 5 innings were cake and then the 6th inning comes up and some crazy dude actually guesses correctly on a change-up and knocks it out. 

It's no biggie because it's only a solo shot but--oh, because your team can't score 2 runs you're either tied at 1 or mostly likely down 1-0.  This is the type of crap Johan had to deal with here.  The Twins couldn't score 3 runs to support him, never made that one defining trade or free agent acquisition to ensure a nice playoff run, and he pitched in the worst stadium in baseball.  Add in the fact that the National League is great for pitchers and that the Twins will never sign anyone (especially not a pitcher) to a 7 year contract and it seemed pretty safe to say that Johan was out of here.

What I didn't expect was for him to pull that bitch-ass ultimatum by Santana during some Tuesday when barely anyone was interested.  The end result was that the Twins received 4 prospects for the best pitcher in baseball. 

Johan is better than 4 prospects.  He's probably better than most teams farm club's pitchers altogether.  Twins had no chance whatsoever and Johan had all the cards in his hands. 

Seeing him with that Mets uniform was about the grossest thing I have seen in baseball

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