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Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Last Time I Puked

When you add it all up
The tears and the marrowbone
There's an ounce of gold
And an ounce of pride in each ledger


With both my roommates, Raymond, and Nick all throwing up recently I thought I would try and rediscover when the last time I blew chunks was.  I've never really kept track but hearing the vomit slam across the porcelain one night, I thought to myself,

"Damn, it's been awhile since I've hurled." 

I knew at a very young age that someone was very different about me---nah I didn't know anything like that.  In fact nearly all of my vomiting came as a young kid.  When I was young it seemed like I would throw up on holidays.  For instance I vividly remember one Easter throwing up a ton.  Perhaps it was too much Easter candy but I blamed it on the carrot cake.  Then I remember throwing up on New Years day which I think was just flu related. 

Since those times, I've never thrown up at all.  Not even by the "big 3".

1.  The Flu
While I do truly believe that I've had the flu (2006 Rose Bowl) I have never vomited as a result.  In fact I've never had the urge to vomit when I'm sick.  The only urge I have is to lay down in bed and hope that my extreme weakness goes away. 

2.  Food Poisoning
I'm a pretty ignorant person when it comes to food.  When someone tells me what hot dogs are made of I usually reply with,
"Yeah, and it all tastes good.".  There was also one time when I found a worm in my Rice-A-Roni and I simply fished it out and continued eating said Rice-A-Roni.  Now with my remedial cooking skills I know there has probably been one time where I failed to cook ground beef enough to call it safe or eaten one of those really sketchy tv dinners.  So I probably have had food poisoning before.

Instead of vomiting all poisonous food though, I just end up taking about 10 trips to the thunderbucket and let my colon take care of the work.  I mean when my stomach starts to feel bad I just run into a table and soon enough, I have the shits. 

3.  Drinking too much
I always see my digestive system as a series of construction workers working under one foreman.  Whenever I consume something the surly guy says something like,
"Macaroni and cheese coming down!"  and he sounds some sort of horn for the enzymes to do their work. 
When it comes to drinking I believe this foreman sounds a warning to my liver and gets all the enzymes on high alert.  I have a low tolerance for alcohol because I really don't drink that much.  It just never occurs to me that drinking = fun and I could (and have) gone weeks and even months without drinking without even knowing it.  It just doesn't automatically equal a good time to me and I certainly don't crave alcohol. 

The times when I do drink however, it's usually all out.  I mean for my birthday I will have about 3 steins of beer and a couple shots here and there and then fall asleep somewhere.  It's like I out-drink myself into an unconsciousness which sounds terrible but because I'm such a lightweight, I simply fall asleep at the bar.  I don't have a chance to drink so much that I have to puke it all out.

It goes like this,
Foreman guy:  Alright you douchebags, get ready because Tom's drinkin tonight. 
Foreman hour later:  He's got a grape ape coming down!  Get that fuckin liver ready!
Foreman a half hour after that:  Oh shit, THREE WISE MEN!  SHIT'S COMING DOWN!
Foreman an hour after that:  oh my god he's doing TRAFFIC LIGHTS!  WE'RE SHUTTING THINGS DOWN NOW!  WE'RE SHUTTING IT DOWN!  EVERYONE GO HOME AND GO TO BED!  WE'RE SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! 
and he'd pull some major lever and I would simply just fall asleep.

I remember growing up having an intense fear of throwing up.  I just hated the thought of puking.  Weirdly enough the more you think about puking, the more you want to puke.  There were many times where I was simply acting like a hypochondriac and thinking I was going to puke but no where even close.

Taking a brief back of the napkin estimate I know I've never puked recently or in the last 5 years.  I've never puked during college which dates back to '98.

I do remember puking during the NCAA tournament when Darvin Hamm broke the backboard which was....'96?  I remember laying in bed sick and watching this game.  I got to a point where I knew I needed to throw up but Hamm just shattered the backboard and I wanted to see them clean up the mess so I watched them and then proceeded to throw up on demand.  I puked so much that not only was it coming out of my mouth but out my nose so I was temporarily unable to breathe which was cool.  I think that vomiting was due to the flu.  I remember feeling exponentially better after blowing chunks too.

Other than that and the times where I drank warm lemonade which briefly upchucked it's way in the back of my mouth, I've never puked since then.  Maybe someday I'll puke again!  It'll probably be sometime soon since I just jinxed myself.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

On Valentines day yet!