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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

My Gameplan to Eating


Everytime the snow drifts
Every way the sand shifts
Even when the night lifts she's always there


I know it's been about a month and I haven't posted a damn thing about the Twins yet but there's nothing really to write about.  The hitting sucks and the pitching is like watching a dog take a poop.  That being said, I kinda figured this year would be a crappy year but it's fun to watch players like Carlos Gomez--and please don't ever say "go, go, Gomez" in front of me because I will beat the ever living Christ out of you.  God damn, Minnesota comes up with some dumb fucking nicknames-- and Delmon Young should also be fun to watch. 

Also Nick Blackburn and Scott Baker (if he should ever get healthy again) are somewhat fun to watch if your only other option is to slice off your left hand.  Then watching Ron Gardinhire continue to put some idiot infielder at the number 2 spot instead of Mauer is kinda funny in a sad-joke type of way.  Then Nick Punto, oh how I wish I was Nick Punto because Ron Gardenhire has this crush on him despite him being one of the worst hitters in history.  In fact H and I figured they should rename the Mendoza line the Punto line.  It sounds just a bit better.

I was a bit intrigued about a promotion the Twins have going on May dubbed "all you can eat event".  I honestly couldn't give a damn about the game but the thought of double fisting dome dogs is very intriguing.  I could put on my State Fair gear (sweat pants, bib, and crappy t-shirt with holes) and bring my own ketchup bottle and simply 'go to town'.  The point, of course, to eat my money's worth of food. 

The event costs $33 and they seat you in the seats at the dome where no one ever sits.  The game could have 40,000 people there and these sections will still not have a sole sitting in them.  They're playing the Rangers so it's probably not even worth watching the game when you have 5 dome dogs in front of you so I'm not worried about that.  Now if they have the same food that they charge for, a dome dog and a regular pop is nearly $10 so I would just need about 3 of those to get my money's worth.  I'm definitely not going to get any pretzels because they fill you up and that's just stupid eating planning right there.

I know I can eat 4 hot dogs because I've already reached that plateau before.  I think it was some game in 2002 when I went to the dome on dollar dog night.  I ate 3 hot dogs before the 5th inning when I also happened to be sitting in the Hormel hot dog 'row of fame' and I was on jumbotron with a frown trying to think of a way to eat a 4th hot dog. 

I'm also a bit skeptical on the promotion because knowing the Twins, they'll find a way to wuss their way around it.  Like instead of a wheel barrel full of dome dogs I can see then having a tray of lil smokies on a dish with little buns where you can only take two.  I also imagine that the pop will be served in little dixie cups where you pretty much take a shot of coke and that's it.  I've thought of having rotating fireman lines to keep circulating food throughout the sections or perhaps using conveyor belts of some sort to maximize the eating potential.

I just hope the bathroom is located by these seats. 

Sunday, April 27, 2008

10k Crap


One man caught on a barbed wire fence
One man he resist


Crap List

1.  Our Company Representative

I consider myself to be a very understanding person and I really don't ask for much however if something needs to be said, I'll say it.  That being said, our company representative is a worthless tool.  Whenever I have a problem and I'm supposed to go to her, I get a type of response that screams "there, there, you'll eat what you'll be given" and that pisses me off. 

I must admit that she never really gained any points from me with her stupid comments and her endless droning of small talk in the first place.  She has always been the one to encourage me (and nearly begging me) to come to these noon lunches at work which are a pain in the ass since I live in Minneapolis where it's 20 minutes out of my way and I usually come in to work at 2:30.  Then I come in for the lunch and she gives me a comment like,

So beheheheh did you have to roll out of bed to come here bweheheheh?


So after this are you going to simply hang out for a couple hours until your shift starts?

I hate *HATE* those comments.  I have acted somewhat cold to those comments because it's an asshole thing to say even for an asshole.  I also want to stand up and say,

You know, fat bitch, don't test me!  I would like you to work nights for a month and tell me how you like it. How bout you shut your ass and help me for once.

What is worse is that I don't think she knows what she's saying.  She gives me this look like she's completely clueless.

I suppose I should probably say that this fit of rage was supplied by the fact that my request for an increase in money for safety shoes was thoroughly rejected since she found shoes that redneck Jim makes from his garage in Coon Rapids for $30.  She's never worn any work related shoe in her life and it would probably prevent her from an evening reading '1001 Ways to Be Smarmy' at the OCB to look into the matter more than simply going to the Cabela's website. 

After all, while boots have gone up in price in the 6 years, the money we've been allocated has not changed. 

Also my request for a raise has not been answered.  Instead they gave me a $50 Target gift card which I'm sure was initiated from Fat Bitch herself. 

-Running the Get-N-Gear 10k without much training

I usually run all the time but for the last couple weeks I've wavered on my running due to my schedule and my lazy ass not allowing me to run.  I wanted to run this race because I ran it in 2005 and 2006.  I didn't run it last year and as a result I felt an immense guilt for not participating in it.  It's a great race and there's plenty of fit women wearing tight forming spandex-like material so there's a lot in this for the assman in me.

Oogling is usually so good that I have google eyes throughout the race. 

After the race I needed an 8 hour nap and my knee hurt like a filthy son of a bitch.  I'm still sore now as I type this and a 10k shouldn't hurt this much.  I mean a 10k is usually child's play for me but this was a bit of a bitch. 

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


I swear I can see you
Coming up the drive
And there ain't nothing like regret
To remind you you're alive

Sorry for the lack of a Crap List this week. I just couldn't muster any sort of bitching for this week. I could try to find something but the heart just wouldn't be there.

For the past couple months I've been aware that my car battery is about ready to retire. Instead of playing the 'lets see how long it lasts' game I figured I would replace it before any worst case scenario happens.

It usually is the case where you have that dream job interview and you get all spiffed up and you turn the ignition when, nothing. There are very few futile feelings when you turn that key and nothing is happening. You feel defeated, deflated, and you wish you would've had the foresight to changed that stupid battery when you were too busy throwing rocks at street signs.

So I figured I would save myself of any sort of worst case scenario like the one described above. Or the scenario where I meet Sara Evans at Best Buy and she wants to meet me at Anal Point in one hour. Having a dead battery at that point would break my heart and it gives my johnson a deflating feeling (complete with sound effects) just thinking about such a scenario.

So I went over to Sam's Club and had my battery replaced. I had to wait about 2 hours for the technicians to get to my car but it eventually was complete. When I turned on my car I started singing the first few notes of "La Isla Bonita" but I it was just me, and not Madonna singing. My radio was stuck in "Loc" mode which killed my Madonna moment. The theft lock deal engaged and now all I needed to do was remember the code that I entered.

Sometime in the past...over two years ago...probably after 14 hours of working

I was so worried about someone stealing my factory Delco stereo I decided I would "protect" it by inserting some crazy code. After careful consideration I landed on X since no one would ever guess X to be a code. I entered the code with a sinister laugh and threw my fist to the sky.

Last Sunday

Boof: FAAACK, what the hell was that code?

I tried to enter the mindset of Boof from 2005 but pfff who the hell knows how many Mountain Dews and pixie sticks I had that day. I tried every 4-digit code I would've used.


I tried googling theft lock and all I got was outdated info. I called up a buddy and he referred me to a blasted dealer which I wasn't happy with. I left a message and turned to my other options.

I went to dealer #2 and as it turns out they'll give me the override code for free just that the two guys that do that stuff wont be in until Wednesday. I then got a call back from douchebag dealer number 1 and they quoted me a price of $49.95 for the code.

A code. A fucking over ride code. A code that requires a couple phone calls. For fifty fucking dollars! God, I hate dealers.

So I had to wait until Wednesday in order to have any sort of audio entertainment in my car. For the next couple days I would have to 'enjoy the silence' being in my car. Let me tell you right now that not having a radio thoroughly sucks and it can drive a person completely crazy. Driving in silence during the day is almost bearable but night, wow, at night really sucks to drive in silence.

It's like after a minute you start to think that there's something wrong and then you look at the passenger seat and actually start to feel a bit uncomfortable even being alone. Then you hum to yourself and get even more freaked out.

Take me for example, when I was coming home this morning at 3am.

2 minutes after turning the ignition: hmmmmm, hm, huuuum, hm-hm-hm-hm-hmmmmmmmmmmmmmrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmm

4 minutes: baaaaah bap, baap, BAAAP, BAP, SHOO WAP-DE-WAP. BAAAP-BAAAP-BAAAP-BAAAP

6 minutes: Punt, shunt, glunt, zunt, front, dunt, crunt, blunt, funt, bunt, clunt, yount....*thinks* Molitor?, Catfish Hunter....

10 Minutes: Bernie Brewer, Crunch, Bluntch?

And it goes on and on.

UPDATE 3:36AM: I CRACKED THE CODE!!!!!!! Driving home from work I thought to myself, "what about 64?" and I thought about it, and thought about it, and then I burped, and then thought about it some more. I knew I was about one bad code short of screwing the whole thing up (if you insert 8 bad codes the car goes into super crackdown mode and wont let you use any codes for a day or something). With trembling hands I entered 0064, enter and I saw which was weird since I've never seen that before. I then slowly nudged the power button and, viola the radio worked! If it wern't 3:30am I'd go buy some champaign and celebrate but for right now I'm going to bed.


Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I Gotta Take a Huge Bit

There's those thinkin' more or less, less is more,
but if less is more, how you keepin' score?


-I have come to the conclusion that I need a serious time-out from the movies Juno and Into the Wild because I'm strangely obsessed with them for different reasons.  Into the Wild is actually a movie that will give me nightmares with how that ending went and I end up getting into a huge fit over the actual story behind it.  Juno drives me nuts because I keep wondering which suburb it was based in and I try to look for all the Minnesota nods in it.  Also Diablo--what is it about ex-strippers that make in curious?  Oh I know it's probably all the tricks they know and what they can do with a pole. 

-We have a very special insurance meeting this Friday to which I'm already not looking forward too.  For one thing it's one of these meetings that they schedule at noon when it's convenient to everyone else but me.  I have no idea what I'm going to do from 1pm until work starts so I guess I'll bum around in a mall somewhere or pretend like I'm a bigshot at Best Buy.  Maybe I'll go to the car dealership and pretend like I want to buy a car and basically waste their time.

-With that looming insurance meeting I've been wondering on what the best way to butter me up would be.  I'm thinking some sort of a gift box full of Twins tickets, goofy Twins trinkets, and perhaps a couple superballs would be a decent start.  Then sit me down and talk to me about old school cartoons just to get me warmed up.  Then ask me about how much the Green Bay Packers suck so I can get fired up and get some adrenalin pumping.  Finally show a couple clips of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.  After the clip, tell me the bad news and it won't even seem as bad because I was buttered up first.

Speaking of butter, maybe an ear of corn on the cob would be an order too.

-The firewall at work is still not firewalling anything so I'm very comfortable surfing youtube goodness and being able to see the Twins ballpark being erected.  I figure if they catch me and are that pissed off then I can say I enjoyed some youtube goodness.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Into the Wild Crap

My god its been so long. Never dreamed you'd return.
But now here you are and here I am.
Hearts and thoughts they fade away.

Curling is getting too tiresome on my body. Two games in a row wears me out.

Crap List

1. Into the Wild, Chris McCandless, and the movie (I haven't read the book yet)

Spoiler alert!!!!!! If you want to see the movie or read the book then don't read this bitching.

A coworker said that I really, really need to see this movie and he also went on to mention that it was 'right up my ally' and I should probably see this movie as soon as possible. I know when I tell other people stuff like that, I want them to see the movie right now as in this very minute. Into the Wild seemed very interesting with the soundtrack performed by Eddie Vedder and Kaki King (whom I didn't know had anything to do with it until seeing the movie).

After seeing the movie my initial reaction that it was really good but there was something wrong. I think it was the "I've had a fulfilling life" notion that I had a problem with.


You did not have a fulfilling life. You had 2 really fun, enjoyable years which hardly a life makes. The whole damn reason you went on that mystical journey is because you weren't happy with your life. So....don't lead us to believe that you had a fulfilling life at the age of 24.

Then I started thinking more about the film and the question 'what exactly did he really do?' came to mind. He bummed around the country, met some good people, and worked odd jobs. That's all I can pretty gather. He did contribute $24,000 to Oxfam which was very noble but other than that...

He eventually made it to Alaska and lived in the wilderness for about 120 days which, to me, does not seem that impressive. In fact, had he not been lucky enough to find that bus, he would've been dead in less than 120 days.

Then I thought about it even more. He went out in the Alaskan wilderness without a compass, much of a map, and lacking supplies.


WHAT THE HELL?!? How do you have a dream of living in the Alaskan wilderness and you don't buy boots or a god damn topographical map!?! IN ALASKA OF ALL PLACES!? NEAR DANALI!? WHERE GRIZZLIES ROAM AROUND IN ABUNDANCE.

Now this whole tale sounds more of complete stupidity than heroism and individual spirituality. I mean I hate to say this but, I can attempt to live in the great northern wilderness and probably die in 120 days. I'm pretty sure I could find a sweet way to die too. But if I was going to attempt to do so, I would make god damn sure to buy a compass, buy a topo map or FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE A FUCKING MAP, and bring some supplies with me so I could survive so I don't have to rely on some magic bus in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere.

This Chris McCandless is considered a hero and has his own cult and everything. Did they not understand that he was a (and I'm going to call a spade a spade here) a failed outdoorsman who was simply out of his element. I get that he was a guy who followed the road less traveled and was sick of the selfishness of society but, for the love of god, read a little more about wilderness survival before you head into the woods. A book on edible plants is a good start but apparently it wasn't enough.

Then it really burns me that he completely abandoned his family. I understand the need to break free and go off on your own with the pressures of family but let them know you're still alive. Good god! To me it shows incredible hypocrisy to go off into the wilderness because of the selfishness of society when you're showing selfishness towards your own flesh and blood. One anonymous postcard, one phone call, one picture would at least let your family know you're alright. No, he left his parents in complete agony for 2 years. I don't care how much your parents irritate you, it screws with people's minds when their son vanishes.

I don't know. This story seems like a spiritual journey to finds ones self to most people but I just find it to be someone who is running away from something and blindly goes into the Alaskan Wilderness. Nothing terribly groundbreaking for me. In fact it seems like a story of idiocy.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Random Stuff

The rocking horse came
From an old oak tree
Just missed the house
When it was hit by lightning


I have to admit that posting will be a tad sporadic since the NHL Playoffs are in effect.  At least that's my excuse.


Quickly though,

-I finally found that beef stick

-I did guess Kansas correctly and I have pronounced myself as King Shit I

-Garfield comics are now ruined forever thanks to the website Garfield Minus Garfield.  Jon is a fucking nut!

-(insert random complaint about the weather here)

-I burnt my hand on the oven the other day.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Wussy Crap

I walk for miles along the highway
Well that's just my way of saying I love you
I'm always walking after midnight searching for you


I would've had this Crap List set for Monday but two games of Curling took a lot out of me on Sunday night. 

I just want to point out one thing before I begin.  One time I picked the final four to a T.  This year I correctly picked the championship game!  Not that it was tough picking two number one seeded teams but whatever.  If Kansas wins then I nominate myself as King Shit almighty.


Crap List

1.  Politicians who are physically uncoordinated.

I'm getting really tired of politicians delivering the first pitch of a baseball game and end up throwing worse than my mom.  I understand old, decrepit men not being able to throw a ball but sometimes these guys are in their 40's.  They'll pretend to wind up (like they think they need to), throw their weight back, and throw as if they were born without an elbow.  Where is that humongous can of Milwaukee's Best Light when you need it? 

Then in other sports you have grown men who pretend to hunt, pretend to be catching a football, and our latest example attempting to bowl.  Not that I would ever take bowling seriously but 37?  A grown man bowing a 37!?  Ugh I don't I've it's possible for me to bowl a 37.  I even have the philosophy to throw the lightest ball down the alley as fast as possible and I still don't suck as much as 37.  Little girls at least bowl a forty!

It makes me wonder if their dad ever bought them a baseball or played catch with them at all.  Not even the 'good faith' game of catch just to shut up the kid for a week.  Speaking of catching a football, who in the hell catches a football like this?  Good fucking god.  No wonder he didn't get elected. 

Also, I know he's not a politician but I was looking all over for Bud Selig throwing a first pitch at some game.  He is the commissioner of baseball and...he hit the ground about 30 feet in front of homeplate.  The ball just barely rolled to homeplate.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Butter Field?

I Got Stripes --- Stripes Around My Shoulders
I Got Chains --- Chains Around My Feet

-In the self decidedly un-nerdy Twins blogging community someone at Stick and ball nation came up with some leads for the name of the new field. It seems as if Land O' Lakes field could be in the running for the sponsorship of the new ballpark. We've all (actually just me in a padded room) discussed General Mills Field, Wheaties field (best of the blocky sponsor names), 3M Field (I don't think so), and Target field (no way). Land O' Lakes was always a suggestion that I immediately dismissed because I never really thought they'd sponsor it. At first Land O' Lakes field sounded kinda stupid but the more I thought about it.... it isn't too bad.

Let's break it down.

Whenever I hear "Land O' Lakes" I think of butter since my mom always bought the LOL butter and I'd stare and wonder about the female Indian on the cover. LOL field makes me think of butter and my mouth actually salivates when thinking about it. Since I don't put butter on anything other than corn on the cob I also think of eating blissfully, an ear of corn on the cob dripping with butter on a warm, sunny day. Butter + Corn = good times

I don't think that's a bad thing. It's better than Best Buy Park where I'd just feel guilty for spending all that damn money on the extended warrantee on a pack of batteries. I suppose General Mills makes me think of cereal but General Mills makes me think of 'IRS Burger' on the Simpson's and it sounds too industrial.

It's way to soon to assume It'll be LOL field but I'm giving my thumbs up. I want to think about butter and corn all the time. Also don't you think sweet corn would make for a fantastic baseball snack? It already makes people orgasm at the State Fair and can't be that hard to make. Dip that shit in LOL butter and there ya go. Maybe make little Twins corn holders or something. Maybe TC in a corn holder! HEY!

-I keep having weekly dreams where I have hair. They're actually very vivid and I'll wake up thinking 'oh now since I have hair, I'll grow a mohawk.' but then I look in the mirror and my Mr. T dreams have washed away. Actually I can't wait to show off my shiny cue ball in the summertime.

-I played that Slayer song on Guitar Hero III on medium and it's so horrible. There's nothing like crying like a little bitch and hearing that plucky guitar error sound at the same time.

-Wild are NORTHWEST DIVISION CHAMPIONS!!!!! Man, it's about time we get a winning club around here.

-Twins on the other hand, yuck. I'm not giving up on them yet but damn, I'm not even watching them and they're boring.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Current Living Situation

I'm questioning my education
Is my education all i am now?


I was rudely reminded by my roommate that I have not written about at all since I've moved into H's lair of Jewishness.  I guess there's just not so much to write about when I'm not living with 45 year olds who look like Sarah Connor and who party every night like it's New Years.  In fact there really hasn't been any incidents at all.  Except for the fact that all three of us have gotten sick like 6 times in the last 3 months.

But I don't know if I introduced my roommates to you all (all 4 of you including my roommates)

H: I've known him for about--geez 6 years now and he's a product of living in the hizzy with Crazy Bitch and Ms. Austria.  H offered me a room and no lease so naturally I moved out of 50 year old partyville, USA and onto H's.

B:  is H's gf and she's goofy as all fucking hell.  She was going insane over koalas one day and I just continued eating my munchos watching basketball.  She calls me gay and retarded on a daily basis but I really don't care.  She's uncoordinated and delirious so I think we're a wash.  The funny thing is she works at a looney bin which I can only assume the old adage "takes one to know one" comes in.  Other than that we seem to get along pretty well.

I do enjoy living there and H even bought Guitar Hero for us to play and get along with.  My whole current situation seems to put my other situation in perspective with the sex swing in the garage and catching them having sex and all.  That all seems really, really gross now whereas before it was just really gross.  I suppose coming home from work seeing a dangling sex swing in the garage has a way of desensitizing anyone. 

The one thing I'm worried about is the summertime and centipedes.  Just typing that out gives me the willies.  The one good thing about living with the old nymphos was there were no centipedes anywhere.  There has been rumors that a pet may or may not emerge soon which would be cool because I could use this pet as my centipede killer.  Cats will for sure be all over them and big dumb dogs like to eat them so that would be bitching.  But yeah, there's nothing manly-er than having to take a dog downstairs because of a fear of bugs.  I'm alright about that though.