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Monday, May 26, 2008

Apnea Crap

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down


Crap List

1.  T Bone and His Snoring

I had the Ratboy wedding to attend this weekend and it wasn't the most horrible wedding I've been to.  Luckily I had Sudoku to keep me company during the ceremony.  The reception was okay and the cake gave me severe diarrhea but it was nearly bearable.  Me, Raymond Jennings, Hog, and Babycakes followed the ceremony by going to the casino and eventually passing out in T-Bone's room.  I'm a pretty fussy sleeper as it is so I wasn't expecting much for sleep.  Maybe 2-3 hours or enough to keep me energized for a quick trip to Burger King and devour a biscuit sandwich before I take a ride on the thunderbucket for blissful defecation.

I had about 45 minutes of sleep and I don't even know how I got that much.  T-Bone was drunk and sleeping on his back which is perfect for someone who has terrible sleep apnea like T-Bone has. 

T-Bone will have a series of small squeals about 4 seconds apart in which he shakes the bed desperate for a breath of air.  Finally when the pressure on his lungs is too great, he takes this enormous breath of air in which he makes a noise that is so loud and so horrible that I can't even try to make such a noise!  It's rather quite amazing when you think about it while you're nice and warm in the confines of your own bed.  It's frustrating as shit when you're sharing a bed with him.

I even remember when his snoring scared the crap out of me when we went camping to Glacier National park.  We tented out at a public campsite--where plenty of pseudo camping come and try to "rough it" during holiday weekends.  Plenty of food is left out because people just don't know any better so they were warning us of bears and not just pussy little brown bears but Grizzlies.  I wasn't too scared because we didn't have any food in the tent so I slept away.

I woke up at around 2pm staring at the side of the tent.  I kept hearing this violent grunting coming from somewhere


and I thought for sure there was a Grizzly standing a foot away from the thin sheet of nylon separating us from the bear.



I was legitimately scared and was inching my way towards the center of the tent.  I slowly rolled over and looked to see if anyone else was awake when I saw T-Bone,


It was simply just T-Bone snoring and I was looking at him incredulously as the fear filled sweat dripped from my face. 

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