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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The No-Hitter


I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete to cut through red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass


The no-hitter in baseball is the equivalent of winning the pie eating contest, winning the fantasy football superbowl when your team is a load of shit, and having your boss being kicked in the nuts in some haphazard incident involving flying tile and a creatively placed pencil.  The no-hitter is what I've called being "skunked" in cribbage and being 8 years old and shot while turkey hunting with your high and drunk dad in the woods.  Well, maybe not that last example but according to the father that might work.

The no-hitter is the epitome of a pitcher's resume (unless you are Jack Morris or Curt Schilling).  Amazing things happen when a pitcher is pitching a no-no late in the game.  You'll find opposing fans rooting against their team, you'll hear the fans cheer just a bit louder as every out is recorded, and the pitcher look about as uncomfortable as Roger Clemons at anytime nowadays. 

One of the biggest reasons why I attend so many Twins games is that I have always wanted to see a no-hitter.  I've always wanted to frame that ticket stub and have it on my bedroom wall.  There's only a couple no-hitters pitched in a season so it's almost like winning the lottery when it does happen.

I nearly attended one with Johan Santana pitching against the Brewers a couple years ago.  With every out he made after that 5th inning the crowd began to cheer louder.  With every two strike count the fans would gradually start to stand up and cheer.  He made it to the 7th inning (I believe) and finally gave up a hit.  It sucked and the entire defense was willing to do whatever it took to keep that ball from hitting the ground but it just wasn't enough.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be a catcher in that instance; you're calling the came of this pitcher's life and any wrong pitch will screw everything up.  Or to be the manager and have the shortstop play closer to 2nd while the worst hitter hits a dinker in the middle of 2nd and 3rd.  I've heard of stories where a pitcher gives up a lead off home run and pitches a perfect game after that which has to be funny to someone (okay, I'm laughing actually). 

It would also be cool to win the lottery.

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