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Monday, June 02, 2008

Sex and the City Crap

Time cast a spell on you
But you won't forget me


Crap List

-Sex and the City the Movie

So I played a really horrifying round of golf on Sunday.  I scored two tens (one on a par 3) and I managed not to kill anyone or destroy anything.  I would've felt better had I scored five shots better and dented the hell out of a biff but... oh well.  I came home and plopped myself on the couch wanting any other (non-golfing) excuse to get out of the house. 

Anything at all.

Female roommate stands by the door where I'm watching TV and looks at me with a grin,
"Whatcha doin?"
Boof: I'm watching the Twins and sulking.
B:  Wanna do something?
Boof: yeah, I'm up for anything.  I wanna just get out of here.
B:  Wanna go see Sex And The City?
Boof:  Fuck no, I wouldn't see it with your eyes
B:  I'll pay
Boof:  No
B:  I'll pay and buy popcorn.
Boof thinks:  ahhhh no
B:  I'll pay, buy popcorn, and buy you a soda (she's from the East)
Boof thinks:  ehhhhh, maybe

I figured since I wasn't paying and I was really hungry then I could maybe justify going to the ultimate chick flick of chick flicks.  It was something to do, it was something I was curious about (how ugly can Sarah Jessica Parker be?), and it would be an experience.  It would be like my own National Geographic study in which I study how and why women like such crap.

After all, I have seen Glitter... just for the train wreak mentality though.  I have seen Mean Girls too and that was like There's something about seeing a super bad film that makes me feel better.  I mean I wasn't stupid enough to write or direct such crap so that makes me feel good! 

There was, however, the slim possibility that I might enjoy such a film.  I mean maybe it was well written and maybe I could actually feel with the characters.  I haven't seen a full episode of Sex and the City so perhaps I'm missing something.  I did have horrible expectations for Transformers and I really wanted to hate that movie but I didn't.  Maybe, just maybe SATC would surprise me.

We went to the theatre and I complained the entire time we waited in line to buy tickets.  She bought the pop and popcorn and we entered the theatre.  90% women were in the audience and it was actually  kinda scary.  I was wondering if the 10% of guys in the place were gay or enjoyed the show or maybe they were dragged out there.  Maybe I was the only sane male in the theatre.  Maybe the movie gives a "hate all men" theme and all the women come over to me and kick me in the balls.  Maybe Sarah Jessica Parker's nose comes out of the screen and stabs me between the eyes like in Terminator 2. 

The movie was downright horrific.  The movie should've been called "Whiny Women in the City" because they were all nuts.  All the men in the movie were either gay, porn models like in the soap commercials, or they act like pussies.  It was unbelievable. 

This movie was the epitome of chick flicks because it contained every-single-chick-flicky-thing that only women understand.

Chick Flicky things in the SATC movie:

  • a group of women gathering around and squealing
  • All dogs were the size of footballs
  • A giant, ridiculously sized wedding
  • Valentines day
  • A newborn infant
  • A pregnant woman
  • Everyone (including some guys) wearing high heels
  • a montage featuring Sarah Jessica Ugly trying on different dresses
  • music that was incredibly gay or something that women enjoy
  • A fashion show (for crying out loud)
  • giddiness over handbags

And a whole lot of irrational drama seeking women.  I haven't even gotten into the actual plot yet.

Imagine Rocky spending months training for his big bout and then suddenly he says, "Heya I just wanna go screw around with Adrian, ya know?" and stops training altogether.  They screw and Pauly ends up continuing to make fun of Adrian.  Nothing changes.  The End

With all the ugly, old, and lesbian looking woman there was actually one hot looking character.  Kristen Davis was the only thing that kept me from throwing up and crying at the same time...and in the movie she took a dump in her pants (I'd still tap that btw, diarrhea and all). 

One subplot has to do with Miranda (the lesbian looking one) married and with kids.  Her husband is frustrated because she's not giving it up (for over 6 months) and she doesn't keep herself groomed.  Guy ends up cheating on her and she turns heartbroken.  I'm not backing with the guy but... he gave all the signs.  He begged, pleated for poon and she wouldn't give it to him. 

Then the main plot has to deal with SJP and how she yearns for a wedding and to get married to a millionaire who has already divorced twice and is very weary of another marriage.  Ugly knows this and decides to make their wedding into a super human steroid ultra million dollar 200 guest affair.  What guy wouldn't be scared of that?  Not to mention the bridal party were 25 minutes late for the wedding anyway which drives me nuts. 

This movie was downright horrible.  I honestly felt a little nauseous walking back to the car.  The whining, the bitching, the jokes that I didn't understand at all, and the squealing-I can't take anymore girl group squealing.

All I can say is that this movie was pure hell and the big screen makes Sarah Jessica Parker's nose look like something out of a Godzilla movie.  I can now say that I've seen the ultimate chick flick and now every movie I see from now on will be better because I saw this movie.  I didn't gain any perspective on women and I'm still a bit bewildered by the experience. 


ceylincohomes said...

I like manly men. If a man told me he knew the ins and outs of Sex and the City I would punch him in the face before running in the opposite direction from his candy ass.
i stl Watch Movie here

Bigtime said...

I know a guy who lost a bet with his wife on Saturday and he had to go to the movie with her. When he got into the theater as they were sitting down, all these other woman were looking at him like "what's he doing here". He loudly said "Don't worry Ladies, I left my balls in the car".
He also said it sucked really bad!

Anonymous said...

wow ok you went for a bag of popcorn and a soda? were those kernels covered in gold?


Matt Risi said...

Man, I was merely in the same room as a bunch of women watching this crap. The part where that weird lookin guy with black hair puts HorseFace's shoe on had mr banging my head against the floor.

manas said...

oh man.....that was awesome....i've been waiting for this shitmovie to have it's ass hauled DOES NOT even have any good sex....only some bitches walking hand-in-hand all over manhattan and talking all the time.