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Tuesday, July 29, 2008


So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me

Last week I had a good friend that passed away and yadda yadda yadda.  I'm not going to have another heart pouring entry because I've said my peace and those entries tend to be vomit worthy anyway.  Nic did throw up a lot....whatever

The wake was nice.  It was actually cathartic to laugh and remember all the good times.  I waited in line with my parents to talk to Nic's parents and his mom completely blindsided me by telling my parents the time when someone threw up on their carpet during a night of drinking.  I suddenly took the blame while my parents looked at me like I was scum of the earth.  First of all I didn't do it, and I was telling my buddy to get his ass in the bathroom.  Second, why the hell are you bringing this up right now?  It happened like 8 years ago!

The funeral was really not much fun either.  It started out with Moby's 'Everloving'.  When I first heard the notes of this song I said to myself, "oh no".  Not so much because of Nic's funeral but more because this song will now be ruined because I already had a nice personal memory of this song.  'Everloving' was the song that was on when I was entering Denver for the horrible Van Halen concert I was going to see.  It was a nice way of entering Denver!

Also Pink Floyd's 'On the Turning Away' was actually sung at the funeral.  I'm alright with this because I always thought of Nic when it came to this song anyway.  Also I'm lukewarm on the song so it's okay.

What was really interesting was the coincidences involved with songs being played at certain times throughout that week. 

Now I'm not one to be paranoid by ghosts or to pay attention to weird noises or anything like that.  I'm pretty ignorant and lazy so if something's amiss, I usually just keep on stuffing my mouth with chips and ignore it.  Last week though, there were a couple coincidences that gave me shivers because they were so....spooky.

For one, all week I was trying to look for Nic's obituary online.  Before Wednesday all there was was a "Look for the full obit on Wednesday".  I finally saw the full obit on Tuesday night at around 11pm.  I was listening to the radio since my laptop was dead.  When I clicked on his obituary the song "Wish You Were Here" came on the radio nearly instantly.  I immediately got shivers and had to take a step back from the computer.  Again, Nic was the one who got me into Pink Floyd and there isn't a more appropriate song than "Wish You Were Here" for that particular moment. 

The second instance came after the wake when we decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings for some food since no one ate that day.  They were setting up for karaoke so they had speakers and a host who was getting things ready.  I told everyone that I sang karaoke with Nic once--we sang 'Wanted Dead or Alive' and he sang Jon Bon Jovi's stuff while I did Richie Sambora's part.  Everyone nodded and soon enough the conversation switched to something else.  No more than five minutes after mentioning me singing with Nic, 'Wanted, Dead or Alive' came on over the speakers at Buffalo Wild Wings and no, not one of use selected this song on the jukebox.  When we heard the song, we all looked at each other like a bunch of Keanu Reeves. 

It was pretty crazy. 

I remember this one time I was on college radio in Marshall and I was behind the mic loading songs while I had friends putzing around the studio.  I was shooting the breeze with my buddy Adam when he picked up a random cd and said,
"What's that song?  You know with the Berlin Wall and it coming down and all?
"You mean The Scorpions and "Wind of Change"?
"yeah, that's it.  You should play that!"
"ugh, actually it's on cue right now.  It's going to be on in like one minute"

I thought that was kinda nuts.  Out of all the songs, he selects the exact artist and song that I was going to play next.  Crazy.

Then there was this one time I was walking by Dairy Queen when I had the hankering for a Blizzard and then five minutes later, I was eating a Oreo cookie Blizzard! 

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Construction madness Crap

We go straight for the thunder, straight for the rain
Love leaves a mark and, life leaves a strain


Crap List

1.  Road Construction

Now this isn't going to be the usual rant about road construction and how I don't understand why they do it now when it's only inconvenient for me.  No, I understand why we have road construction, I understand why we have it in the middle of summer, and I agree that some of these roads need work.  When 36 was downright closed for 6 months I found other ways.  I didn't complain once... well maybe once but I lived through it.

Roseville, I love Roseville.  Roseville is the magical suburb of suburbs because the people aren't snotty.  Roseville is the center of everything you need and it's between St. Paul and Minneapolis.  Roseville has a huge mall, a great big fucking Super Target, an Old Chicago, and has many different and convenient ways to get there.

Roseville is now in an island of road construction.  There is no fucking way to get to Roseville without parking your car at some point, sitting in your lawn chair on the road, and pushing your car whenever the cars in front advance.  Like I said, Roseville is great because there are so many convenient ways to get there but WHAT THE HELL?

Snelling is down to one lane and it's stop and go,
280 is also down to one lane and that's already clogged up because...
35W has that little bridge problem.
36 is all screwed up because I think they're building an international airport right in the god damn median.

Those are the only good ways to get there without having to wait at stop signs through residential communities.

I'm all for road construction but...let's try and plan this out a little better.  Maybe take one of those projects and put the men on 280 since that's being used as a makeshift freeway right now.  Then we have one clear shot to get to Roseville instead of waiting and then being stuck in Roseville. 

This gives me the idea that maybe we should have metrowide holidays throughout the country.  We'll have a crew of 2000 road workers who pound out the construction in all the cities around the country.  We'll give these workers a good 3 or 4 day weekend to pound out all the road construction projects in the city for which they work around the clock with all the materials, machines, and tools that they need.  If there isn't enough time then we throw more workers at the project.  In the meantime everyone has to use the residential streets or simply not go to work...or buy a damn helicopter. 

This makes me wonder if they're trying to grind all these projects out before the RNC when all the rich and powerful folks come in to see our construction free city.  That way THEY can all use the roads and bridges without any wait since they're time is more valuable than the yearlong economy here...Alright I'm done ranting.  I just want to go to B-dubs without having to wait behind that old guy in the LeSabre who wont drive 40mph. 

Aren't all the people attending the RNC going to have their own helicopters anyway?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Comfortably Numbed

June 29, 2008
Spooner, WI

Tom: You know, why didn’t you just get 2-4packs of Chicken McNuggets? Isn’t that cheaper?
Nic: yeah it usually is but not here. The Chicken McNuggets here aren’t on the dollar menu for some stupid reason.

Tom: oh really?
Nic: yeah, apparently.

The past weekend I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I’ve been trying to keep my mind from wandering and reminiscing. I woke up on Sunday and I thought for sure that it was a dream. I nearly convinced myself that I just had a one of those strange nightmares that make you hold your head and wonder what that was all about.

I open my drawer to find a clean shirt to wear and I blindly take the first one that my hand finds. It’s my Roger Waters’ In the Flesh tour t-shirt from the 2000 tour when we (myself, Marc, and Nic) attended. At that point I need to sit down and compose myself. I then put on some music from my computer to lighten my mood and on comes a tune from Sarah McLachlan. Usually Sarah McLachlan is sad enough but Nic was nearly in love with Ms. McLachlan ten years ago whenever he saw a video on TV. I just can’t seem to think of anything else.

At this point I need to take a leak. I again try to lift myself up with the tired old question, “What’s the best nation in the world?” I then give a smile and think to myself, ‘urination’. However somewhere, I hear Nic’s ghostly voice saying another popular answer with, “Insemination?”

The first time I met Nic, I went over to Marc’s house when I was in 3rd grade. I threw a basketball at Nic's head and he retaliated by hitting me repeatedly with a hockey stick. It was really scary since he was three years older than me and I really threw that ball pretty hard. Since then we’ve been battling back and forth through more comedic, peaceful ways.

My parents still recognize him as being Marc’s brother, the alter boy. They still refer to him as the alter boy even when he’s been at least 18 from breaking the bread. I remember running across the church just so I would be in his line for communion. When I finally reached Nic he would roll his eyes and sigh.
“*sigh* oh no, body of Christ…”

“amen. amen-amen-amen-amen-ame--"
“pfff okay, gosh hehe.”

When I was a freshmen in high school, Nic was a senior. He would see me digging in my locker and tell his big, football playing friend to scare the crap out of me. The big friend would slam my locker shut and lightly push me into the locker. I wasn’t very scared because I could see Nic giggling behind him so I would often look up to the guy and say “huhuh, do you want a coupon?” which would break whatever fake tension was there and make us all laugh a bit. I always felt really good about being a freshman and joking around with seniors.

I know in high school he would carry around a card of David Gilmour in his wallet. He even sang “On the Turning Away” when he was in choir. I remember being curious and I borrowed “A Momentary Lapse of Reason” from him and I’ve been forever addicted to Pink Floyd ever since. I remember after that Roger Waters concert listening to Pink Floyd in his new apartment. He was especially fond of "Comfortably Numb" and we would compare different versions and give explicit contentions for why our favorite version was best.

It was always great to mention the famous version which included Van Morrison singing Gilmour’s parts. Nic hates….hated Van Morrison. We always get into musical wars which would always end up with both of us either running away or hitting each other. I would sing Moondance and he would respond with Loverboy’s Turn Me Loose.

After we were tired out with our personal musical distastes, we would move on to raunchier topics. I remember for about six months whenever I would see Nic he would greet me with,
“So, how was sexual intercourse with your mom?” and he would laugh at my nauseated face as I gave him a sickly frown told him to shut up. Finally one day I responded with,
“Sexual relations with my mother were really good. You should’ve seen it…” and I would go into complete explicit detail until he was the one doubled over wearing the frown.
“Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Good god that’s disgusting!”

It’s also ironic to know that the most popular comment this week has been that “it comes through in waves”. I know I’ve certainly felt that decided uncomfortable numbness in that there’s so many things that make me think of him that it’s so hard to take a simple drive, walk, and nap without trying to not think of him and all the good time we had. It feels so disingenuous to try and think of something else but it’s painful to know that we have to use past tense whenever we mention Nic now.

Nic was the first person to ask me if I took a dump in my shorts after I finished the marathon. Nic was my main competition in the illustrious White Castle eating contest. I remember playing football when he broke his collarbone. I came back to the house when I saw him sitting on a chair, four feet in front of the tv, holding his collar bone. He was watching Beavis and Butthead trying not to laugh because it hurt so much,
“hahahahah oww oww oww! oh crap! Behhahahahha oww crap!”

It’s bad on so many levels. Other than the obvious, seeing most of your friends in so much sadness and pain makes you want to do anything to make the feelings stop. I called up all my friends and made sure that I was there for them if they needed anything. After I hung up the phone I was wondering if I was the one that needed the most help because I always looked up to Nic. Nic was Marc’s cool older brother who was the human resource for music information. I always thought he was amazingly talented in music and art in general. He designed our 2nd grade yearbook cover and from that point on I felt he could’ve done anything with his drawings. Certain catch phrases like, ‘superfluous tubuoles’ and ‘mighty tighty whities’ will forever be linked to him in my mind.

Nic was the person who I would constantly refer to as “Bob Wells” in this blog. I referred to him as “Bob Wells” because he bought an authentic Bob Wells Twins jersey. Wells was a horrible set-up man for the Twins in 2000 and 2001 and certainly one of the last players that anyone should buy a jersey bearing his name. I still sit back and laugh about that. Only Nic would have me remember a struggling bullpen has-been like Bob Wells. He was there for Milwaukee and KC when we budged in front of little kids and ran the bases. He drove us to the Black Hills and Yellow stone on two separate occasions. He was there when we were very tired and loopy from a ten hour car ride coming from the Black Hills when we acted like buffalos having intercourse. He was there when we were watching Apollo 13 at the drive-in when we were in our parkas on that brisk October night. We had to roll the windows down in order to keep the windows from fogging up with our own breath.

I’ve been battling the sadness for a couple days now and I don’t know what I need. I’m going to be alright but I just need a little time. I’m dreading the wake and funeral because there’s still a piece of me that wants to believe that I’m going to wake up soon. I find it most difficult trying to explain to people about my/our loss. I waited until yesterday to call up my Mom because I honestly didn’t know if I had the strength to tell her without breaking down. Like Justin (Hog) was telling me, “We should be in our 70’s doing this, not in our 20’s”.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I shouldn’t necessarily feel so sad about losing Nic. I guess I just feel completely blessed that he was a large part of my life and gave me so much to laugh about. There so much that reminds me of him and it’s hard to imagine a world where he isn’t there giving sarcastic remarks while eating out of a bowl on that couch saying,“That’s too bad. Ah well, what are ya gonna do ya know?”

My last moments with Nic involved me acting like I was passing a large stuffed teddy bear through my colon and losing to him in poker. The last conversation I had with him involved chicken McNuggets which started this entry. I’ve been thinking if that was really the way I wanted our last conversation to end up. To be perfectly honest, it is. When a friendship starts out with beating one up with a hockey stick, I think it’s more than appropriate that it should end with a topic like Chicken McNuggets.

What a wonderful night for a Moondance...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

It's Not Extraordinary!

It's been a long time since the book of love
I can't count the tears of a life with no love
A-carry me back, carry me back, carry me back
mm-baby, where I come from


I know I've already bitched about my family reunion and that Mondays are usually days I have reserved for my complaining but I can't take it anymore.  I can't take all this bullshit about the All Star Game and the stupid little games associated with it.  I don't mind the competition for what it is, exhibitions.  It's when noteworthy people start complaining about it, then I start to get pissed.

First of all, lets not all have an orgasm over what Josh Hamilton did.  It's a great story that he's been able to revive his career after drug addiction but the home run derby is not the pinnacle of his success.  They're not going to make a Disney movie and end it with him slugging out 28 homers in the god damn derby.  At least I certainly hope not. 

Lets get one thing straight,
Josh Hamilton being selected (by the fans) to the All-Star Game = a touching sentiment in his revival back to baseball.

Josh Hamilton hitting 28 home runs in a home run derby with a 71 year old throwing lollipops = entertainment of the night.

All night I kept on hearing about how "amazing" it was.  Words like "outstanding", "incredible", and "unbelievable" were being tossed around endlessly.  It was as if he carried the game of baseball on his back.  I even heard Tim Kirkjian (whom I respect as a baseball writer) say how it was impossible for a guy to hit it 500ft.  Ugh, it's not impossible.  It's happened before and most notably in Yankee Stadium. 

It's not amazing!  It's not outstanding, incredible, nor is it unbelievable because it's almost expected when you think about it.  It's a 71 year old man serving up complete cupcakes to this All-Star hitter in a ballpark that was made for left handed hitters.  I'm actually more surprised that no one could hit more homers than they did.  Think about it, the hitters know what's coming to them, they simply wait for the 60 mph cupcake and drive it out as far as possible.

That doesn't take talent!  It really doesn't.

Now holding a bat at the plate with a pitcher who has a breaking curve, nasty slider, flame throwing fastball, and a very deceptive change-up is something else.  That actually does take talent to try and figure out what pitch is coming and to try and catch up to the 97mph fastball after a series of change-ups and curve balls.  It's always impressive when someone can identify a fastball on the fly and nail it out of the park.  The cupcakes these guys were hitting though,  isn't incredible.  It's not even batting practice.

I may not be able to relate to hitting against a 90+mph fastball but I have had an assortments of meatballs thrown to me before.  I haven't had much of a baseball career but if I was thrown 30 meatballs, I *might* be able to knock one out of a mlb park (especially with Yankee stadium with a left foul pole at 318ft) and I'm serious about that.  If I could hit a home run, then I would expect mlb All-Stars to hit 20 times what I could hit.  It's not that hard considering the pitches being thrown. 

And lets not forget that these hitters in the derby are not the most prolific home run hitters of our time.  No, they were simply the hitters that accepted an invitation to hit some dingers on a Monday evening.  Morneau was the last to accept and he's only had 14 on the year. 

With all that being said, I do think the derby could gain some greater meaning in terms of charity.  Instead of one (or is it three) signs that say "hit it here for $$$$" lets have like twenty various signs.  Lets have a large sign in the centerfield "dead area" where you hit it and $5000 gets automatically donated to the Boys and Girls club.  Lets have the foul poles represent and automatic donation of $10,000 (or whatever amount) to the YMCA and perhaps a giant sign in right and left center field which would be 530ft out there to represent $3,000,000 to the charity of the hitters choice.  Those are only a couple examples but it would be so much fun to see all the money going to charity and you just might convince the major power hitters to take a crack at donating money to charity.  That would be an event that would excellent in so many ways.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Reunion

Now I never thought I could feel a sadness that could bring me so down
And I never thought there'd be a time where my heart had no song


This last weekend I attended another family reunion--the second in two years (thanks grandma).  This is what I wrote for the last reunion we had a couple years ago.  My uncle held it at his house and it was actually pretty fun.  I learned that my Iowa family came from Wisconsin and I got to see a lot of old pictures of some relatives.  It was actually a lot better than I was dreading.

This year I still had the dread, I was still a bit stubborn about going, and I was hopeful that it would turn out nice. 

It was indeed dreadful.

It started out with my brother being an hour in a half late to pick me up which didn't bother me too much but why couldn't he call?  He also refused to leave the radio on one station so I tried to ignore it but I just....couldn't.  He'd flip through all the stations until he found that one song that he was looking for and then flip around some more.  I think he did more flipping than not. 

He'd leave it on a station with Zeppelin but it wouldn't be good enough.
He'd then switch to a station with Melloncamp--okay but that wouldn't be good enough either.
Then it was Maroon five (which I'm glad he changed it), then Carly Simon, Bob Dylan, some Rap, and finally he'd hear the most annoying punk song and he'd leave the station right there.  I was not in a good mood.

We finally arrived at the Knights of Columbus hall where we all were meeting.  Everyone parked in the designated parking spaces in the back of the joint except everyone who wanted to brag about their car where the handicapped were supposed to park right up in front.  We drove up and saw a Lexus, Benz, Caddy, Caddy, and another Caddy all parked right up in front, right in a row.  They might as well have just left a piece of paper with the size of their penises in those spaces with how blatantly obvious they were trying to be.  I say this because every year it's the same thing between my dad and my uncles.  They all feel this need to show off their vehicles and one-up each other.  A couple years ago Suburbans were all the craze and everyone had their waaay oversized vehicles.  Even if they had to travel long distances (like my dad) and they could've saved some money driving a suitable car, they would still drive their gas guzzler because they had to brag.  This year it was the luxury car since gas prices are so high.  It's not as if they're rich because they're not, it's more like they are hard working middle class folks who want to have the identity of being rich.  That's what really irritates me.

So we head in the Knights of Columbus hall.  We were a bit late and we entered with everyone sitting down and eating.  I've always considered my family to be a large one but with everyone sitting in this smallish room it doesn't seem as big.  Everyone was eating right away and my bro and I sat next to our parents and made small talk with everyone around.  After that it was just mingling which is extremely boring for me.

I hate mingling.  I need an activity.  The last reunion we had horse shoes, a football, and a four wheeler to mess around with.  For this one we didn't have anything but tables and chairs and being inside on a wonderful day.  I need something to do while I talk so I don't have to stand and talk about stupid shit like "What I'm up to nowadays" and "if I still work at MMM". I find those questions to be elevator questions.  Like, if you see a longtime acquaintance in the elevator and you ask what they're up to.  You don't really care, you're just trying to make small talk to pass the time.  I find it stupid and a waste of time.  I know others like it and probably care but it's probably just the introvert in me.  It's also why I believe these family get-together's should be every 5 years because then it's like a brand new slate and the small talk questions would seem more genuine. 

Every year I attend the yearly get-together and I'm always mad that not all the cousins come.  There are 14 cousins and nine ended up coming: five of which live in-town so they basically have no choice but to come.  Because all the cousins never show up (or want to show up), I've wondered if these get-togethers are only for the aunts and uncles.  After all, they once lived together and they have a good times to reminisce.  Us cousins only hung out maybe once a year and never really established much of a bond or have much to talk about.  I guess it's just a matter of a simple conversation but every year it's like starting over.  Every year everyone calls me Tim and my name was even spelled wrong on the family tree.  Such details usually don't faze me but this is my family.  Even acquaintances at work get my name right, why can't my extended family know the obvious difference between me and my bro? 

So anyway enough of the family catharsis.  My brother and I then walked over to the county fair for a nice break from the old folks mingling.  The county fair was great for the shocking factor. 

For instance my brother and I walked towards the "midway" and we were questioning if the fair was even open.  It was 4pm on a Saturday and usually this is a prime fair going time but there wasn't a soul there.  There were only carneys.  We walked slowly amongst the 6 small rides with the carneys leaning on their fence and eyeing us up.  It was almost like walking in a zoo where the carneys were in their own little cage and begging us to let them out. There was one hot dog stand that looked deserted and a grill that had like 5 young waitresses waiting around.  This was truly a bizarre scene.

My brother and I then walked to the nearby 4-H building and 4-H is something that I will never understand. Inside were a bunch of projects that various kids in the area had been working on.  There were some beautiful quilts, some really good craftsmanship, and some interesting reports on various things like photosynthesis and soil horizons.  Then there were projects that looked like they were bought at Ikea and simple structures made out of legos.  Someone even brought in a Wii system and received a ribbon for that.  I wonder if I could take a dump in a pair of shit-kickers and receive a ribbon for that? 

It was pretty cool for us cityfolk seeing the animals.  The 4H kids were in the pigpen and slapping the pigs with fly swatters in an effort to keep them from walking along the sides of the pen.  It was good entertainment actually.  Then there were the horses, sheep, and cows which are always nice to feed.

I almost wanted to stay there for the night because they were having figure 8 racing where you end up seeing car crashes in the middle of the figure 8 but I didn't because 3 hours of Iowa is too much as it is.  They did have a demolition derby the night before and I remember my aunt taking me to one when I was like 6 years old. 

It was a very awkward day.  It's not like I dislike my relatives but I just feel uncomfortable going through the same cheap conversations every single year.  It's almost like we need to take a train ride somewhere together or find some sort of common ground so we can all naturally get to know each other.  Whatever, until the next family reunion. 

Monday, July 07, 2008

The Nightmare Scenario

I'm gonna inject your soul with
some sweet rock 'n roll
And shoot you full of rhythm and blues


I'm sorry, I don't feel like talking about the Twins today.  That 1-0 game yesterday really pisses me off and I'll end up writing like 4000 words on dumbass Gardinhire. 

Brian Bass?!?  Okay I'm done.

I keep on getting reminded by notable NFL media types that Brett Favre going to the Vikings may not be such a dream.  Peter King, of all people, even said in his "Monday Morning Quarterback" article that Favre in purple is a possibility.

After all, the Packers are now primed for Aaron Rogers at the helm and not a 70 year old Jesus even though Jesus is signed to be a Packer in 2008.  So either they swallow their pride (and their 2008 season) and go with Favre or they release him  or they send him a sudoku book and hope to god that he stays retired so he can "keep his legacy" (aka: doesn't screw them in the ass by playing for a division rival.)

At first when I heard the possibility of Favre going to the Vikings I stood up and immediately started 'shaking my ass' with an asshole grin and my waving my middle finger towards the east.  I believe the words, "BWAHAHAHAHA SUCK ON THAT PACKER FANS!" came out of my mouth.

Then I sat down and thought about it pensively.
There was a loop of Favre highlights on TV when it eventually stopped on one image of number 4 just after he took his 3 step drop.  It was a classic Favre pose right before he throws it directly at the defensive back. 

My mind started taking over and I remember his yellow and green melting into a jersey of purple and white.  The theme music that I had in my head went from "Mamamana" to "The Unforgiven" and my heart started beating rapidly.  I then started thinking of all those Favre purple replica jerseys in the stands and how very wrong that that would be.

It was like I just woke up from a nightmare.  Then I imagined my dad calling me up and telling me the "news" after two months of constant Favre going to Minnesota talk.  After all Dan Patrick said it best, if Favre goes to the Vikings then ESPN would start their pregame show tomorrow for the Vikings/Packers season opener. 

Dad:  Did you know that the Vikings signed Brett Firve*?  That's kinda neat don't you think?
Boof:  no, DAD, that's not neat.
Dad:  I mean you used to hate Firve and now he's on your favorite team.  I suppose you have to root for him. 

*My dad has trouble pronouncing last names.

Brett Favre in purple downright scares me in so many ways.  I actually have a bit of panic over the scenario.

Imagine if Favre were to actually be successful.  Imagine the Vikings are leading 30-0 heading into the 3rd quarter.  Favre is lighting it up and with every touchdown I'm completely torn.  It would be very tough to root for a guy that I've rooted against for so long.  I mean it's great but it seems so wrong.  I imagine this scenario at my relatives Thanksgiving,

Aunt:  So, sounds like Favre's been a good quarterback for you guys eh?
Boof:  It's not just Favre, I mean if it wasn't for the waterboy then Favre wouldn't have the necessary hydration in order to do...the things he does.  He's still a mediocre quarterback okay!  OKAY! 

It would be having a dream where you're experiencing the best blow job ever.  The tongue is going everywhere it's supposed to go and---oh, even that spot.  It's so incredible that you don't believe it.  You open your eyes and....

It's your mother.

You look up to the ceiling in horror but it feels so good and 'a mouth is a mouth''s your mother.  You then weep and moan until you wake up drenched in sweat and wondering how in the hell you're going to look at your mom the same. 

I'm sorry, that's what it would be like.  I can imagine myself and Hog watching a Vikings game and looking at each other like we really don't know what to do.  Imagine the Vikings winning the superbowl due to some sort of heavenly Favre heroics and Minnesota spooging over the guy like Wisconsin does?  All those Favre highlights of him sporting the purple and ESPN acting like crazed groupies over a Minnesota player? 

Of course the obvious scenario is him being a Vikings quarterback and him throwing like 5 interceptions a game and then the Packer fans would be like,

"yes!  He's still actually a Packer at heart!  He's killing them from the inside"  ugh

I hope to god that he stays with the Packers and ends up sucking so bad

Sunday, July 06, 2008

My Morning Crap

We'll find a way
We'll go out
Out for a day
And I want it so bad


It's probably not a good idea to type cathartic things onto the computer while you're sitting in a bathtub in ice water but at this point I don't care.  It's too damn hot and I'm sick of having a huge fan blowing on me from 3 feet away. 

Also, how about those Minnesota Twins eh?  They're still kicking opponent ass right now!  More on this tomorrow...or the next day.  Don't hold your breath.


Crap LIst

1.  My Morning Jackets newest CD

I absolutely and helplessly love alternative country.  Show me a band with creative ideas, some really decent writing, and slide guitar and I'll be somewhere nearby.  My Morning Jacket has always been one of my alternative country mainstays and would like to keep it that way.

I was a bit late in buying their latest CD but I've always kept it in mind and finally I bought it through itunes as my first album (of many) that I bought online in its duration.  I read up on the reviews of the new album online and everyone was raving on how it will be album of the year, best MMJ album ever, and continuing to push the envelope of the alt-country genre. 

Before I go on, let me give you a taste of what I love about My Morning Jacket.
-One in the Same
-Lay Low
-At Dawn

Those were the best youtube clips I could find but go look up those songs on Rhapsody or whatever because they give a good example of what MMJ is all about.  I think of MMJ as great road trip music when you're in the midwest.  Like picture this,  riding off into the sunset after a good weekend of drinking and going nuts and playing MMJ on the way home while winding down in the back seat.

After buying the new album, the first songs pops up on my itunes.  Give a listen,

"Highly Suspicious"


What in the god damn hell is THAT?!?  When I heard this song I looked back on the track list with a huge look of disgust, back at the song, back at the digital cover of the cd, and then nearly threw up.  I really thought I picked the wrong band like My Afternoon Jacket or something like that.  This could've been the most disappointed I've been from an album since... Van Halen III with Gary Cherone.  When I heard VHIII, I tossed it across my room.  This MMJ album was downloaded so I couldn't throw my laptop across the room even though I wanted to. 

What happened to the ride in bumblefuck nowhere with the hangover in the backseat?  Where's the country?  What happened to my genre? 

Of course one song does not make an album but...there's not much country on this album.  In fact itunes gives it the "alternative" title instead of "country" like their previous albums. 

Maybe another example of a bad album would be Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow when she "falls in love" and "is happy" and "everything in the world is beautiful" and all that shit.  What happened to the Surfacing days when the world was hopeless and people were stalking her (Possession)? 

2.  The Things you hear at the baseball games
I've been continuing my habit of buying tickets from scalpers outside of the venue and for Twins games I generally just want to see how good of a ticket I can aquire.  It's more the thrill than the actual game itself because I'm actually willing to hop back on the light rail, go home, and know that I tried to get an ultra cheap ticket instead of being a sucker. 

The last couple Twins games I've gone to I've scored $50 tickets for $20.  The last game was a thing of beauty.

Boof heading over to scalpers corner when he yells out to one guy holding tickets.

Boof:  Hey, you have a single?
scalper:  Ah...yeah I got one right here.
Boof checks the ticket to make sure it's legit, and then looks to see where the seat is located at.:  How much do you want for it?
Scalper:  $30
Boof:  $20
Scalper:  $25
Boof:  Sorry, all I got is $20
Scalper closing his eyes and taking it like a bitch:  Alright, $20

I sat in the VIP section and it's just god damn pitiful to listen to the baseball talk going on behind you.  Sometimes I just can't help but to turn around and try to correct everyone on their stupid god damn knowledge of the game.  I know I'm not the end-all, say-all on the subject but these people are so god damn stupid! 

"I think the Twins should acquire a decent left handing bat."
"I bet they'll put on the suicide squeeze here"
"Time for a hit and run (
when a guy is on third)"

ugh, when I grow up and have my own ballpark, I'm kicking these people out. 

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

July Bits

He wants to sit down and think.
He wants to pour you a drink.
And you wont feel a thing. You wont feel a thing.


-It's not like I've been terribly busy but I've been going through a bit of writers block (or bloggers block or something).  At this point in time I really don't give a damn about readership, not that I've really cared but at one point maybe three years ago I kinda cared.  I've used this space as a personal journal to where I can bitch about work and people in general.  Lately I haven't been that bitchy lately.

But now I have some shit to finally write about so, behold.

-After watching Walk Hard for the 7th time I've come to the conclusion that I would love to have a monkey more than a big dumb dog.  I figure that a monkey would be fun and if it acts up, I can throw it in the bathroom like what Tommy Gavin's dad did when he had a monkey.

-I saw one of the best movies this last weekend, "The King of Kong" is excellent.  It's about how these two complete characters have been competing with each other over the world record Donkey Kong score.  It's completely bizzare and the whole movie will have your jaw dropping on the floor. 

I had Donkey Kong for NES and I can't imagine how anyone would play that game for more than twenty minutes.  Tops.  That game was so repetitive, so stupid, and so boring that I never wanted to play it for more than ten minutes.  I do love how they fight, cry, and bitch over this really stupid game though. 

-The big news today is that Brett Favre might come back to play for the pack.  I'm actually hoping to god that he makes a comeback because of many reasons:

1) he sucks
2) he'll suck more now that he's a year older and has had an offseason of eating junk food and not keeping up in working out.
3) and probably most importantly he's on the cover of Madden '08.

Oh yes, the reason why they slapped him on the cover is because no one wants the bad luck that goes along with being a Madden cover player.  Most players that ended up on the cover have been plagued with extensive injuries or bad seasons so that should mean that Jesus should be due for a bad season as well.

Not to mention that when you look at that Viking front four, they could probably perform a babality on Favre on nearly every drive. 

*salivating* oh yes Favre, please come back and play.  Please! 

Edit:  I was just watching NFL Live and they brought up the thought of Favre coming to the Vikings.  This brings in very mixed emotions because the though of him being successful (somehow) for the vikings would be great ammunition to throw out against Packer fans.  This would be a major con in that we'd have Favre on our team and we already have a proven interception thrower on our team. 

-Try some Cox sausage

-Twins have been kicking serious ass lately and here I am claiming that I have some sort of bullshit bloggers block.  Well, I do and although I love this Twins streak and I hope it goes on until...forever but this streak really doesn't do much now.  I mean it's one thing if your team is hot in July but it's a completely different thing when they're hot in September.  Not to mention that this team is young as hell. I think the average age of our outfield is like 23.