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Monday, July 07, 2008

The Nightmare Scenario

I'm gonna inject your soul with
some sweet rock 'n roll
And shoot you full of rhythm and blues


I'm sorry, I don't feel like talking about the Twins today.  That 1-0 game yesterday really pisses me off and I'll end up writing like 4000 words on dumbass Gardinhire. 

Brian Bass?!?  Okay I'm done.

I keep on getting reminded by notable NFL media types that Brett Favre going to the Vikings may not be such a dream.  Peter King, of all people, even said in his "Monday Morning Quarterback" article that Favre in purple is a possibility.

After all, the Packers are now primed for Aaron Rogers at the helm and not a 70 year old Jesus even though Jesus is signed to be a Packer in 2008.  So either they swallow their pride (and their 2008 season) and go with Favre or they release him  or they send him a sudoku book and hope to god that he stays retired so he can "keep his legacy" (aka: doesn't screw them in the ass by playing for a division rival.)

At first when I heard the possibility of Favre going to the Vikings I stood up and immediately started 'shaking my ass' with an asshole grin and my waving my middle finger towards the east.  I believe the words, "BWAHAHAHAHA SUCK ON THAT PACKER FANS!" came out of my mouth.

Then I sat down and thought about it pensively.
There was a loop of Favre highlights on TV when it eventually stopped on one image of number 4 just after he took his 3 step drop.  It was a classic Favre pose right before he throws it directly at the defensive back. 

My mind started taking over and I remember his yellow and green melting into a jersey of purple and white.  The theme music that I had in my head went from "Mamamana" to "The Unforgiven" and my heart started beating rapidly.  I then started thinking of all those Favre purple replica jerseys in the stands and how very wrong that that would be.

It was like I just woke up from a nightmare.  Then I imagined my dad calling me up and telling me the "news" after two months of constant Favre going to Minnesota talk.  After all Dan Patrick said it best, if Favre goes to the Vikings then ESPN would start their pregame show tomorrow for the Vikings/Packers season opener. 

Dad:  Did you know that the Vikings signed Brett Firve*?  That's kinda neat don't you think?
Boof:  no, DAD, that's not neat.
Dad:  I mean you used to hate Firve and now he's on your favorite team.  I suppose you have to root for him. 

*My dad has trouble pronouncing last names.

Brett Favre in purple downright scares me in so many ways.  I actually have a bit of panic over the scenario.

Imagine if Favre were to actually be successful.  Imagine the Vikings are leading 30-0 heading into the 3rd quarter.  Favre is lighting it up and with every touchdown I'm completely torn.  It would be very tough to root for a guy that I've rooted against for so long.  I mean it's great but it seems so wrong.  I imagine this scenario at my relatives Thanksgiving,

Aunt:  So, sounds like Favre's been a good quarterback for you guys eh?
Boof:  It's not just Favre, I mean if it wasn't for the waterboy then Favre wouldn't have the necessary hydration in order to do...the things he does.  He's still a mediocre quarterback okay!  OKAY! 

It would be having a dream where you're experiencing the best blow job ever.  The tongue is going everywhere it's supposed to go and---oh, even that spot.  It's so incredible that you don't believe it.  You open your eyes and....

It's your mother.

You look up to the ceiling in horror but it feels so good and 'a mouth is a mouth''s your mother.  You then weep and moan until you wake up drenched in sweat and wondering how in the hell you're going to look at your mom the same. 

I'm sorry, that's what it would be like.  I can imagine myself and Hog watching a Vikings game and looking at each other like we really don't know what to do.  Imagine the Vikings winning the superbowl due to some sort of heavenly Favre heroics and Minnesota spooging over the guy like Wisconsin does?  All those Favre highlights of him sporting the purple and ESPN acting like crazed groupies over a Minnesota player? 

Of course the obvious scenario is him being a Vikings quarterback and him throwing like 5 interceptions a game and then the Packer fans would be like,

"yes!  He's still actually a Packer at heart!  He's killing them from the inside"  ugh

I hope to god that he stays with the Packers and ends up sucking so bad

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