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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

2008 Fantasy Foosball

watchin' a stretch of road, miles of light explode.
driftin' off a thing i'd never done before


Last year was a storybook ending for team Giggity Giggity.  It started with the regular season and my team completely taking a dump on the 2007 season.  Every week I would go to Buffalo Wild Wings and suffer loss after loss due to my worthless team sucking the crap out of the league. 

The regular season ended with Giggity Giggity finishing in last place and only five wins to show for it.  It was tough losing to Hog twice and everyone was pointing and laughing at me!  I only gained one high score of the season and had only $3 to show for my awful regular season.

Then the playoffs happened and guys like Laurence Maroney and Vincent Jackson actually started to play legit football instead of picking their ass.  My team of idiots was starting to play like a team of champions, American champions.  A couple wins later Giggity Giggity was in the Superbowl facing off against the evil terrorist team owned by Hog himself.  I really wanted to beat Hog (as I always do) but I really wanted to beat him in the Superbowl because we were playing for money and a really shiny trophy too!

As it turns out Freedom won again as Giggity Giggity beat Hog's team of terrorists.  God I love America!

This year I'm actually trying to keep the trophy and hopefully maintain some sort of success through the regular season.  We had our draft on Sunday and I you....


QB: Tom Brady
QB: Jay Cutler

RB:  Joseph Addai
RB:  Michael Turner
RB:  Thomas Jones
RB:  Chester Taylor
RB:  Sammy Morris

WR:  Braylen Edwards
WR:  Jehrico Cotchery
WR:  Nate Burleson
WR:  Dwayne Bowe
WR:  Robert Meachem
WR:  Vincent Jackson

TE:  Jason Witten
TE:  John Carlson

K:  Josh Brown
K:  Jason Hanson

Def:  Chicago Bears


Overall I'm really excited for my team.  I had the third pick in our draft (of ten people) and I picked Joseph Addai which was kinda questionable.  I figured that I didn't feel safe trusting Westbrook and Jackson.  I also liked having the Colts runningback.  I then had to wait 14 more picks until I had to make my 2nd pick so I was eyeing up guys like Jones-Drew and Fitzgerald.  As it turns out, everyone was so runningback heavy that Tom Brady was available for my 2nd pick which I couldn't believe.  I actually had a small thought of taking him with my first pick but I wasn't considering that too seriously.

Then for the third pick I was lucky enough to nab Braylon Edwards whom I really wanted.  With those three picks I was very satisfied.

I did get my obligatory awesome tight end this year when I didn't even plan to get one this year.  I also somehow drafted Jay Cutler in the 13th round which will be awesome for whatever week that Brady doesn't play haha. 

Before the draft I was eyeing up a some players which if years past have any indication, these guys will end up sucking.  So here is my list

-any of the two big Bengals recievers
-Bush (basically any player that starts out with a B apparently)
-I really wanted Willy Parker seeing as everyone was thinking really low of him this year but he went in the 2nd round.

So now I simply can't wait until the season starts.  We have another worthless week of exhibition games which sucks but didn't Apollo Creed get killed in an exhibition? 

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Roxette Music Video Review

When she's spinning me around, kissing is a colour
Her loving is a wild dog, she's got the look


Maybe that comment was the kick in the ass I needed.  Consider this entry to be a bonus because I have a headache and I still want to research more fantasy football even though I know it's useless. 

I don't know why but I started searching through Roxette videos on youtube.  I don't know why but no one ever talks about Roxette.  It's to the point where I'm wondering if they were communists and making music to further the support of the red regime, hmm.  Roxette was the prototypical late 80's early 90's music but they had an interesting makeup.  There was one woman who had very short, white hair who actually looked attractive and then there was a douchey guitarist who exemplifies the early 90's dork. 

I will go on the record and say that even though I don't own any Roxette albums, I do enjoy their hits.  I mean 'Dangerous' and "The Look" are damn good songs.  I mean the lyrics can kinda be suspect but with every Roger Waters there needs to be a....uh Roxette.  Therefore, I will attempt to give a review on each of their popular videos.

The Look
This video seems to take place in one of the apartments near the U of M with the side of the apartment being completely destroyed and the framing visible throughout.  A place like this would still get about $400 a month even in it's dilapidated state.  They keep saying she "walks like a man..." sounds like she's got *a* look but not *the* look.  I mean I wouldn't want a hottie to walk like a man. 

The more I hear this song the more I start to wonder if they just threw a bunch of words at a chorus to see if they sounded good together.  Hey, it worked for Def Leppard so why not Roxette.  I noticed they used the same shot twice so that's pretty stupid but I suppose when you're saying "she's got the look" about 40 times then there is only so many ways to say it.

I don't mean to rag on the video but it's not helping my headache.

Listen to Your Heart
This video takes place at a castle of some sort (Slane?).  I heard this song a couple weeks ago and I forgot how cool it sounds.  Maybe it was that county fair in Iowa?  Actually that was boring and silent. 

This video has numerous helicopter shots at the crowd armed with sparklers.  It also has numerous shots at the guitarist posing like I've rarely seen before.  He actually gives Creed a run for their money.  As I continue watching it seems that both (hottie and dorky guitarist) are posing equally bad.  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised given the era of when this song came out. 

I will say that it's probably one of the best concert music videos of it's time.  I mean it's a beautiful song and some of the shots are very artistic. 

This song may have been the prelude to 'Listen to Your Heart' because it's shows numerous set-up shots of the concert in the castle.  So many bands in the 80's have this typical throw-away video (Genesis, Def Leppard, Metallica, Bon Jovi).  It's like they take the most annoying roadie and give him a camera to shoot the sound check. 

I dunno, the woman is in a hot looking black outfit but---okay I just gotta say this real quick, I weighed in at 185 today!  On two different scales even!  I haven't weighted this light since like ten years ago.  I think I'm in prime condition to consume my heart out for the state fair!

It Must've Been Love
I simply love this song.  I know, I know, I'm going to lose about ten 'man points' for saying that but I've always been a sucker for this song and video.  I don't really have much of an opinion for Pretty Woman except that if I was to make a movie about a prostitute it would involve more nudity and less George Costanza.  I simply love how the video has the sheets flowing in the wind with the filmstrip on top.  I also like the shot with (whatsherface...Roxette?) is in that white minidress with the film clip of Julia Roberts over her dress.  I've always thought it was a really cool shot.  I think one of the main ways I like this video is because the guitarist's douchiness is down to about a 2 in this video.  He actually looks a bit dignified if I dare say that.  The warehouse is also kinda bitchin. 

I heard this song a lot when it came out and then I never heard it again.  Well, that is until Sophomore year in college when, for some strange reason, I heard it on a daily basis.  I think one of our college television programs used this song as a intro or something.   I just saw this video in it's entirety and now I've got a really bad headache. 

In conclusion, I just want to say that I will only be cherry picking my favorite Roxette songs from itunes and/or just watching their youtube clips because I appreciate their 'just-a-bit-too-highbrow-for-carney-music" taste.  Also, I did lose some weight and I now I feel the need to eat a lot more.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Summer Games Crap

Run, you can run,
tell my friend-boy, Willie Brown.
And I'm staying at the crossroads,
believe I'm sinking down.

Crap List

1.  The Summer Games

I absolutely love *love* international competition.  Simply put, I feel we get a great idea on who is the best in the planetat their respective sport.  I've always wanted to compete in something and represent my country for something like the Olympics and it would be a thrill go just be there.  In fact one of my dreams is to simply hang out around the Olympic Village during the Winter Games just to see if I can get me some Olympic ass.  If I was lucky enough to compete I can only imagine standing on that podium and having God Bless America (I like that as an anthem better than the Star Spangled Banner) would be enough to make me cry like a little bitch.

With that being said, what I'm about to say will probably get myself hated, knocked out, and crucified by the crazy swimming fans out there.  I'm just going to come right out and say it, the Summer Games are fucking boring as all god damn hell.  There is really only one event that I will watch for more than 4 minutes with that being the marathon and that is only because I get to see a lot of Beijing in HD.  Other than that the other events are really, really boring.

I didn't know who Michael Phelps was a week ago and I still don't give a rats ass now.  I don't care if he won 20 gold medals at the Olympics, I just don't care about swimming at all.  This may be shocking but I wouldn't even watch if Phelps happened to be in my backyard swimming.  Instead I would probably be in the pool with the arm floaty things telling him to quit splashing and to find his own damn pool.  I understand he's a great athlete and he was close on some of the races and yadda yadda yadda but I don't care.  Watching swimming is worse than watching Nascar.  There are many ultra marathon racers out there who do everything and they are also great athletes.   

I think my biggest problem with the summer games is that I don't identify with any of the events.  I've never been a fan of track and field, never even owned that nintendo game with the pad.  I don't care about the javelin or the ball toss (whatever it's called), nor does watching someone lift a lot of weight really do anything for me.  Gymnastics makes me think of all the pedophiles who are watching and baseball and soccer are not even that good.

Also I'm kinda pissed that this is the last year Baseball is going to be an Olympic sport.  By the way, have you heard what the extra inning rules are for Olympic baseball?  In the 11th inning each teams at-bat begins with runners at 1st and 2nd with a hitter of whomever the manager chooses.  Every inning after starts out that way until the tie is broken.  I shit you not.  They somehow found a way to cheapen baseball for the last year it's held as an Olympic event.

If you haven't found out already I'm very bitter over the Summer Games.  I think it's because I have a deep love for the Winter Games and I'm sick of the media and everyone shitting on the Winter Games for the events that no one understands.  For every time Curling is questioned I will counter with Equestrian because if equestrian is an event then having wiener dogs catch Frisbees should be in there too.  For every time the biathlon is questioned I will counter with handball, whatever the hell handball is.  I was watching handball the other day and it's like basketball and soccer's "oops baby" that never should've happened. For every time the skeleton is brought up, I will counter with ping pong.  I know they call it table tennis but defecating is still the same as taking a dump.  

Then I'll briefly go over "the birdsnest" which looks like Paul Bunyan's bedpan.  Why and how someone could design something so ugly is completely beyond me. 

The summer games would be so much better if they had rugby, true baseball, and lacrosse to name a few.  I just wish it was over so I don't have to listen about some news anchor going nuts over the new ping pong champion. 

pfew, I feel so much better now.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

dating crap

If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you
Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth

I must admit that I'm really burnt out on dating.  I had a date on Tuesday and I was on the verge of falling asleep because I was so damn bored.  Usually when it comes to dating I feel like I should be the one to keep the conversation going and to at least salvage the night/dinner.  Not this time though, she was a nice woman who was alright at conversation but I just wasn't interested from the get-go.  I think it might have been this series of conversations.

Boof:  So are you a fan of Will Ferrel at all?
date:  yeah, I like some of his stuff.
Boof:  Anchorman?
Date:  nah, didn't really like anchorman
Boof giving a different kind of Ferrel movie: How about Stranger than Fiction?
Date:  nah, didn't really care for that either.  I also love --LOVE--Ben Stiller!

ugh, I'm trying really hard not to scowl at her at this point.  I gave her two of my favorite Will Ferrel movies and she crapped all over them.  At this point I'm a tad irritated.  Then she brings up the no-no topic on first dates: politics.

Date completely out of left field:  So who are you voting for this year?
Boof taken back:  Oh well, I usually side to the left of things--
Date interrupts: oh good, I was afraid you were a republican--
Boof interrupting her: --but I've always kinda leaned on McCain this year because of how much of a centrist he is.

At this point I kinda know I pissed her off.  I wouldn't have admitted that if I really wanted a second date but I figured I was honest and I was curious on how she would react.  I could tell I was hitting a nerve because she went in her "here's why you vote democrat" routine on me.  I remained calm and told her why I felt like I did and I think I did a good job of shutting her up.  Then came strike three.

Date:  I'm going to be one of those protesters outside of xcel arena during the RNC.

oooh, yeaaaaah

I take this info as her being completely hardcore dem which I find this unattractive for some reason.  If she was leaning this far right, I would be just as irritated because I think of someone being possessed kinda like a right wing zealot.  I think of the nutjobs who jump up and down with excitement on election night as if they just won a Nintendo Wii.  Is it really that exciting?  I've always *always* been irritated with these weird people.  It's as if they were infected with some sort of disease and now all they can see is blue.

We finally parted and wished each other well.  I think she's more interested than I am since I felt like I just wasted 2 hours of my life during this date.  I know it wasn't so much her as it was me though.  I think I'm so used to people being completely boring or crazy or unstable that I expect the date to go bad.

It wasn't always the case though.  I remember when I started going on my dating frenzy when I would almost expect (and enjoy) a great date.  I would be very up beat and be an MC for whomever I was dating.  I had a good time, she had a good time, and we would make plans for another. 

Since then I've met the complete duds, the freaks, and people who are so boring that I wonder if they even know what "fun" is.  This definition of "fun" coming from a person who doesn't even drink that much. 

I've met the people who answer question with one word and will not engage in conversation no matter how hard you try.
Boof:  So where you work, do they treat you right?
date:  yeah.
Boof:  Is there anyone that annoys the crap out of you there?
date:  nope.
Boof:  How did you decide to get into that industry?
date:  eh, I don't know.

AARRRRRRRGGGGGH!  TELL ME SOMETHING!  PLEASE!  TALK FOR THE SAKE OF TALKING SINCE THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO DO!  How can one engage in conversation when the other is looking blankly at you giving one word answers or the complete bullshit "i don't know" answer.  Really?  You don't know? 

I even wish that if they weren't interested to simply tell me right off the bat because that would be so much better.
date:  I gotta tell ya, you're nice and all but this isn't going to work.  I'm going to leave and wish you to best of luck in your future.

At that point I would be so amazed and refreshed that I would actually feel a bit up-beat.  No beating around the bush, no fake laughter, no bullshit conversation, just an honest belief and a sincere gesture!

One date we started getting into a deeper conversation which was great.  She asked me what I dream about and I started on about my future house, having a dog, and living next to some cool shops.  I was completely daydreaming but it was fun and I was getting into a zone.  It was very cathartic and true.  I felt like we were about to take this conversation into another level, a possible connection.  It was nearly complete, all I had to do was ask her that same question:

So what kind of things do you think about everyday?
date:  well uh, I don't know....  Like I always hope I don't fall down the stairs before I start to step down.

(blink:blink) sigh

That's the answer you give me?  That is what you think/dream about everyday?  I thought we were actually getting somewhere.  Like, nearly on the path of revealing a bit of ourselves.  No, she tells me that she never dreams about anything.  Really?  How can people not dream?  Do people actually live life without any kind of an imagination? 

I've also dated a couple women who had this ideal of being a "successful business woman" whatever that is.  It's like they didn't know what they wanted to do but they just wanted to show up at a coffee shop in the business suit and read the Wall Street Journal to make other think their shit doesn't stink.  It's like the image is more important than the actual job. 

I suppose I shouldn't crap on people's business woman dreams.  I suppose it's just the frustration of seeing someone who has potential and then seeing the red flags pop up eventually.  There always seems to be red flags and my gut just screams at me, "she is going to be very annoying, very fast." 

I suppose I am doing the right thing in dating but it's so frustrating.  It seems like everyone is very boring or has issues with the dumbest things.  When I do find someone the least bit interesting they cheat, or just want to snuggle (ugh), or they're 2 hours away.  It just seems like it's been so long since I've met someone that I've felt giddy about, someone who has inspired me to plan a date very creative and awesome.  Someone who I could talk with hours on the phone.  Ugh, how the hell do people find this other person? 

Monday, August 04, 2008

Not Even a Rubber Arm

And I know anyday, anyday,
I will see you smile.
Any way, any way,
only for a little while.

This last weekend I continued my 2008 experiment by buying scalped tickets for this last weekend's Twins games.  Saturday I strolled onto scalpers corner with the non realistic hopes of hounding the scalpers for a great $20 ticket.  The last two games I bought scalped tickets I twisted the despirate scalpers arm until he accepted my twenty dollar offer.  It's hard to refuse when someone wants to actually pay money for a single ticket 5 minutes before the first pitch.

Last Saturday it was a little tougher.  It seemed like everyone and their mom was at the game, and the were.  There was an estimate crowd of about 42k at Saturday's game.  I had to settle for a $30 diamond view ticket which wasn't too bad considering I got laughed at by like 3 scalpers.  They were offering tickets at face value!! 

Like I'm going to buy a single for $60.  pfff

Sunday I was planning on doing the same.  I was going to the game with Steph and we didn't have any plan for where we were going to sit.  I figure we would either try the scalper routine or simply buy cheap seats.  So I went to the gas station to use the cash machine.  As I walked out I hear,

"Hey man, you going to the game?"
Boof: uh, yeah.  you know it!
Stranger:  I got some tickets if you want them.
Boof: uh yeah I'll take them.  Sure.

I approached the guy thinking that he was going to sell them to me--I was in my scalper mode.  I walked up and the guy simply handed me an envelope and said, "enjoy".  Inside were three tickets to the days!

I looked up where the seats were.  I was thinking they were the neck straining tickets along the third and first baselines but they were actually in right field next to that garage.  Our tickets were facing the pitchers mound!

That third ticket though, what to do, what to do.  I figured I was going to scalp it since I wanted to try.  I figured if I could get something for it, I could have good dome dog money!  I ventured out to scalpers corner with the hopes of selling one ticket.

I wandered, I advertised and no one was interested.  Finally I had one guy that asked, "You got a single?"
Boof: yeah I got this
Guy:  I'll give you five bucks for it.
boof:  nah, sorry, it's for ten.
Guy:  alright good luck.

I started walking away when I hear, "ten bucks?  alright, alright.  Ten bucks"

I just netted myself ten bucks for the game!  I could possibly do this for a living... if more people would give me free tickets.

Liriano pitched alright but I'm not a very good pitching scout.  In fact I probably can't pitch over 60mph.  I know I can throw an 8lb bowling ball 30mph but I've never had a good arm for pitching. 

I remember this one time at the Minnesota State Fair they had this mlb sponsored area where they had batting cages, cut outs of various players, and an area where they had you pitch and see how fast you can throw.  I waited in line behind all these short 8 year olds.  They were giving their best Roger Clemons impression and hitting 50 on the gun.  This kid in front of me put everything into his pitch and hit 60. 

Next was my turn and the kids looked up and me in silence as they were waiting for this 6ft tall confident man getting ready to show these kids how what pitching is to the "big boys".  Again, I'm not a pitcher but I was confident I would hit in the 70's since that would be a very slow change up in the majors. 

All the kids were like, "woah, lets see how fast he can pitch!" as they all took steps back.

I rolled up my sleeves, loosened my neck, and spit out the crap in my mouth.  I took a step back and put as much as I could into this first pitch. 


The kids looked at me like, "woah, this guy sucks...A lot!" but I just told the kids that I wasn't even trying even though I was--that was my "fastball".  So I composed myself and actually thought I would put more of a concerted effort into pitch number two.  I took a deep breath, put all my weight on my back foot, and threw the ball as hard as I possibly could.  I nearly threw my arm out on this second pitch.


The kids were like "woah, Billy out threw that guy!"  and it was true.  Lil' Billy did in fact beat me at a pitching.  Actually now that I think about it, the kid was probably 8 in a half or probably 8 and three quarters.