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Monday, November 24, 2008

Hag Crap

The band is just fantastic,
that is really what I think.
Oh by the way, which one's Pink?

Crap List

1.  Unpaid Daytime meetings

I work 2nd shift which is really tough for someone who works 1st shift to understand for some reason.  I have ran into this trouble with our company lunches which our company representative (I'll call her Hag) has begged me to come.  The company lunches are actually quite nice because they usually have pizza or Famous Daves and it's free food.  The problem is that these lunches are at noon which is a bitch for me since I'm either at the gym at noon or doing whatever people do whenever they are not working.  Attending this lunch would mean driving a half hour to work, eating for an hour, and then finding a way to waste another hour until my shift starts which sucks.

I've tried to polite and I've tried to explain my position in how these lunches are very inconvenient for me but these explanations have led to a very airheaded look by Hag.  Not only that but when I do happen to attend Hag always makes a very loud comment like,

"So, sorry we had to wake you up for this meeting TOM!  HAHAHA"  to which I grin and look away.  On the inside I'm very angry because this Hag is being very frustrating and I really want to dump an entire pizza all over her hag-ass.  I have even made the tongue and cheek statement,
"Maybe next time we should have these lunches at 6pm when I'm having lunch" and that just led to a dumbfounded look on her face and the statement,

"Why would we do that?" 


Anyway I received an email about how we are changing health insurance plans and that Hag really wants us to show up.  Knowing full well that this insurance meeting is nothing new I call up Hag and leave the following message,

"I believe that I will not attend that insurance meeting since I wont be getting paid for said meeting.  Instead I would like to sign up for the HSA account and if there are any changes to my current plan, let me know"

Sounds easy enough but I got this response from her,
"Tom, I got your message and I cannot stress to you enough how important this meeting is.  I really think it would be in your best interest for you to show up."
Oh, okay.  Perhaps something else is going on.  Perhaps they're firing us since it's on a Friday?  Perhaps they're going to award me the prize of MVP or give me a giant cake with Erin Esurance inside and she pops out giving me a smaller cake in return? 

So I was compelled to go since it was in my "best interest" to attend.  I showed up, was bored to tears with the presentation, and I concluded that it was absolute bullshit that I "had to be there".  Just as I was leaving Hag called to me and that's when I thought they were going to wheel in the giant cake but no, she simply told me that my health insurance was going up.  Apparently this new plan is taking the average age of everyone in the plan instead of taking things based on the individual.  Me being 29, in relatively good health, and working with a bunch of unhealthy Carl Pohlads makes me pay more in this new health insurance plan which is to save everyone money.  Hag basically told me, "hmm sorry.  I guess you drew the short straw.  Sorry you had to wake up for this meeting haha. 

If there was a well big enough, I would say she should fall down a well.

2.  Dumbasses who can't vote

I'm talking about this current Senate recount bullshit. How about instead of analyzing each incorrectly filled out ballet we burn those ballets and clean our hands of such stupid piddly bullshit.  If one cannot follow directions and fill out a simply oval then they are not smart enough to vote, simple as that.  If they are too stupid that they X-out the candidate or circle the candidates name, then they are too stupid to vote.  Instead of giving them a "I voted" sticker they should receive the "I'm a retard" sticker instead. 

We cannot be expected to make EVERYTHING retard proof in this society so lets not make it harder on ourselves.  This is stupid and it glorifies idiots. 

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Goodbye Metrodump (part 1)

Through the fish-eyed lens of tear stained eyes
I can barely define the shape of this moment in time


Saturday marks the beginning of the end to the Metrodome.  The Metrodome which was the fairweather fan's lair to simply stand up and clap whenever a phenomenal play happens and to stand in the small concourse right in the middle of everyone and look around whenever they are lost.  It is also the place where polo shirt wearing fathers come and take their kids and end up leaving early to beat the traffic.  Also the place where Minnesota fans can have the illusion that they live in a warmer place than they do.  On Saturday University of Minnesota Golden Gopher football team will play their final game at the Metrodome against the evil Iowa Hawkeyes and I couldn't be happier.

When I think of memorable games at the Metrodome I think of Kirby Puckett and game 6 in '91 and one of the best games in baseball history with game 7.  There's also the World Series games in '87 where the fans reached 115 decibles which is like standing behind a plane when it takes off.  Of course there's all those homer hankies waving wildly, the Super Bowl, The Final Four, and maybe the 1985 All Star Game. 

These are the best memories I can come up with as a whole, not just baseball.

When it comes to Vikings football the memories become hard to come by.  At least happy memories because I can remember the game where Brad Johnson caught his own touchdown pass, Randy Moss' first game where he caught two touchdowns, and maybe two decent playoff games?  Perhaps that '87 playoff game where Anthony Carter was possessed would be a candidate but I was only 7 and begging my dad for attention at that time. The most memorable game would have to be that '98 Championship game which does not need any sort of mention.  Then there's the playoff losses to Chicago and Washington.  The heartbreaking loss to Denver when they were on fire in '96.  Denny Green Taking a knee in '98 also comes to mind.

Maybe I should stop there before I jump off a bridge.

Gopher football in the dome though, my memories are as follows,

  • Gophers blowing a fourth quarter lead to Michigan in 2003 (Glen Mason excuse:  no on campus, outdoor stadium)
  • Gophers losing to Northwestern in 2000 due to a Hail Mary at the end of the game(Glen mason excuse:  no on campus, outdoor stadium)
  • Gophers losing to Iowa and having their fans storm the field (our field) and trying to take the goal posts out of the stadium (Glen mason excuse:  no on campus, outdoor football stadium)
  • Gophers losing to Wisconsin because they botched up the punt on their own ten yard line and Wisconsin scored the game winning touchdown with a minute to go.  (Glen Mason excuse:  no on campus, outdoor football stadium)
  • Gophers losing to NDSU in 2007 (Glen Mason wasn't our coach)
  • Gophers beating Wisconsin in 2003 (Glen Mason took all the credit for that)
  • Gophers losing to Nebraska in 1988 42-0 ( I was only 8 at the time so I'm sure Glen Mason's excuse was:  If I was coach they would've at least scored a meaningless field goal)

Anyone have another decent Gopher Metrodome moment?  Anyone who isn't related to a player?  

I guess I can tell my story of the Northwestern game since I was there, sitting in front of the Northwestern fans. 

Gather 'round everyone

I went to the game with my friend C and his family.  C's dad was head of the pork producers and he scored a number of tickets in the front row of the upper deck so the seats were alright.  Of course there was a sea of purple sitting behind us which was surprising because I didn't know Northwestern had any fans.  Anyway the Gophers were up 35-14 in the 3rd quarter.  After each Gopher touchdown there would be a parade of gopher fans slowly walking up the upper deck aisle above us to cock off at the Northwestern fans.  This parade would sing the rouser, point and laugh, and yell at this group of purple. 

It was simply great and I nearly joined them because I kinda like being a dick like that. 

Then came the fourth quarter where the Gophers never ever seem to have anything resembling a defense.  It's almost as if the gopher defensive players start fading away like Marty McFly in Back to the Future.

One Touchdown
Two Touchdowns
Three Touchdowns and now we're tied. 

The group behind us was now standing up and going crazy after the amazing fourth quarter comeback.  Northwestern then performed and onside kick and recovered.  Now with only a couple seconds left the Wildcats were on the 45 and attempting a Hail Mary to take the lead and avoid overtime.  The throw went up, hit a group of players, and landed in a Northwestern receiver's hand.  All of us Gopher fans sitting in the upper deck sat there wearing a Charlie Brown-type frown as the Northwestern fans paraded around us and shoved a ton of humble pie in our faces. 

God dammit.  That is the only way to describe the Gophers tenure in the Metrodome.

I remember when I went to the recent Gopher/Michigan game I saw a banner that read, "Celebrating 27 years of Golden Gopher football in the Metrodome".  I think the University of Minnesota could've saved the money and instead made a memorial patch with Goldy Gopher running away from the Metrodome and throwing up "the bird" with a huge pissed off look. 

Other than all the losing the Metrodome has brought on a generation of wimpy fans who shudder when they think of standing in 40 degree weather.  This coming from people who LIVE where temperatures fall below zero and where the fishing and hunting opener are damn near a state holidays.  This is coming from people who go ice fishing, skiing, and snowmobiling in any weather conditions.  I expect this whining from people in Florida who view Minnesota as an arctic waste land where penguins and polar bears roam the land but not from Minnesota.  I have always longed for the football game in the snowstorm where you have a flask of brandy keeping you warm and the breath of the fans coming from everywhere.  I simply can't wait for the first rainy game in TCF stadium because I will be there in my rain gear drunk and and ready to beat the crap out of Indiana.  

I know I'm not going to shed a tear for the Metrodome in terms of Gopher football.  The Metrodome is symbol for college futility as far as I'm concerned.  Blow the damn thing up and then, and only then, play that U of M rouser. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Simply Bits

Ooo you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you to help me forgive


-Since the writing in The Office has turned rather mediocre I have been looking to find another addiction.  I tried watching Entourage but I just don't care about stardom and four douchebags talking about Hollywood.  I mean the only reasons I would end up watching that show would be for the women and Ari.  Also my "24" addiction has now been long gone so I don't feel compelled to watch season 5 or the newest one. 

I was told about It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia back in July and I decided to watch an episode sometime last month. 



This show is simply fantastic.  The ideas that they have with Charlie being molested and the gang finding a dumpster baby is simply phenomenal.  Nearly every character is someone I'd LOVE to hang out with at a bar.  I can't imagine what kind of topics I could have with someone like Charlie.  Man, that would be fun.

-I also played Hog in the Presidents Cup 10 (or whatever).  After losing to him by one point in October, I managed to beat the crap out of him this last weekend and I'm gaining momentum.  I'm in great position to be the league spoiler since I have little hope of being in the top three.  At the very least I'm happy with my team name, The Thundering Didgeradoos. 

I think there should be more nicknames that have "thundering" in them.  Thundering makes every team sound really cool like the Thundering Jets, Thundering Vikings, Thundering Panthers, and Thundering Thunder.  It's universal because even people with severe lisps can say it. 

-How in the hell could Michelle Bachmann be re-elected in the 6th district?  She's seems like the type of person who will never, ever admit a mistake.  Instead of admitting any type of wrong doing she would try to spin it to make herself look less wrong or neutral. 

I've been around these people before and I know how they work.  Back in '95 I went on a backpacking trip with the Boy Scouts and explorer group.  Throughout the trail there would be tandom latrines that were either side-by-side or facing away from each other.  Naturally we would call the side-by-side ones "pilot-to-co-pilot" and the facing away ones "pilot-to-bombardier".  Me and S got into an argument about a certain type of latrine which was clearly pilot-to-bombardier and he was arguing that it was the co-pilot type.  His theory was that this latrine was for people with wide asses and that's why this particular latrine was the bombardier type.  Oh S,  will he never learn?

Anyway I'm sure I would've gotten into this same argument with Bachmann had she been backpacking with me.  Probably.

-Is Steve Miller really one of the most recognized alumni of Wisconsin?  I suppose the U of M's Yanni isn't much better but I consider myself a 70's music buff and Steve Miller doesn't do much for me at all. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

TV Theme Songs

And the night got deathly quiet,
and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game,
boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.


Testing (pat-pat) check one (pat-pat) check two, CHECK TWO.

So.... What have you guys been up to lately?  I know I've just completed a whirlwind tour of the world and have had my share of hookers and blow from all the countries of the United Nations. 


Actually I haven't had any hookers or any blow.  I've simply just been ignoring this space because I haven't been compelled to write much lately.  I don't know what it is because I used to love reading blogs and writing crazy things but I just haven't found much of a muse lately.  I haven't even kept up with Uniwatch.  I know, I know.

I mean it's not like there isn't anything to write about because I am feeling squeezed by the economy at my job (thank you everyone who "cashed in" on the free money opportunity of the early 21st century) and Minnesota football is downright pathetic and then there's the Obamagasm that everyone is having (which I can understand).  It's to the point where I'm expecting another 'Miracle on Ice' soon because all the conditions are set up for another Soviet bashing.  All the conditions being doom and gloom except it would be the Soviets anymore but maybe....Al qaeda?  Do they have a hockey team?

I have been spending a lot of my time with a special lady friend.  Now I have to be careful because this entry could take a hard left turn into a Celine Dion-type entry really quick but I'll save you all the details other than things are great.  Now I could equally turn this into a Celine Dion entry knowing that she would read this and she might make me some pie and banana bread which would be amazing....

banana bread?.......bloggers integrity?

Does a blogger who has skipped the last couple months of writing even have any integrity?  Did I have any integrity before that?

I do like apple pie though too....

I'll just try to save face and post this so I can have the best of both worlds. 

Other than the really special lady friend, I have kept myself busy with which is the best website ever. 

I can (and have) listened to all the different versions of the Growing Pains theme along with such 80's classics as Just the Ten of Us and Out of This World which all have very cheesy 80's songs in the last couple days.  Even the A-team had a cheesy number for their theme song which I loved.

The one surprise and my favorite tune from that whole website is none other than the CBS baseball theme from 1990-1993 which I loved *LOVED*.  I would hum that tune on the playground and I thought it was lost forever but no.  NO!!! I finally have it and I can now take a shower to such a theme!

I think that's all I'll write about right now because I don't want to blow anyone away or anything.