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Wednesday, February 27, 2008

House Mulling

Let's make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell me all my love's in vain.

After doing take 13 of house hunting this last weekend I think I have identified the particular house that I would like to buy.

This house:
-has 3 bedrooms; one of which has a great window looking south overlooking my potential property and the moon would be shining in my room in which I could achieve my dream of masturbating in the moonlight.
-a dry basement which does not smell like mold. That's a biggie for me.
-A sweet ass 3 season porch
-a nice and spacious garage
-A location that I love
-central air
-and I get that giddy feeling whenever I enter.

Therefore I have turned the cogs in my head and have been thinking nonstop about this place. I can envision myself waking up and making myself coffee in the morning even though I don't drink coffee. I can see myself plopping down on some sweet sofa and watching HDTV in my "movie room" with surround sound. Then there's the sight of me mowing my lawn in a greasy wife beater with a cigar hanging out of my mouth while I grin to the word "poop".

I have indeed been thinking about this place a lot. I then started investigating the cost associated with the property and the bills that I would have to pay. I asked my mortgage company for a good faith estimate for the place and I immediately started tallying up the monthly costs.

I started out with a smile and as I started thinking of my monthly bills the smile slowly turned into a frown. Then I took my monthly potential earnings and computed it in the best case scenario (claiming 2 and reducing 401k to 3%)

As it turns out I would need about X amount for the monthly payments
my monthly income would be x + $300

Which would mean that I would have $300 to eat, for oil changes, to play video games at the arcade, to buy needless strawberry shakes at DQ, and for all my jojo potatoes. In other words I would have $10 a day a month for spending money.
(gulp)

It's kinda do-able...isn't it?

Keep in mind I would need a ton of money for furniture and the annoying little nickel and dime things that I would need to purchase.

The thought gives me an automatic headache. The other night I had a headache so bad that I thought I was going to go blind. I never even fretted over a woman anywhere close to this.

I know I could easily find a roommate to ease some of these financial concerns but that always gives me 2nd thoughts because it's really hard to find a good roommate. Also if I was to get a house I probably wouldn't sleep in the bedroom but on the roof holding a double barreled shotgun just in case. Therefore a roommate in my own place would indeed be hard for me to trust.

I also know that all my figures have been worst-case-scenario figures in that bills will probably be no more expensive than what I figure. So I struggle to think objectively on this but I think I could do this but just when I start calming down I get those worst case scenarios in my head again.

Like me hanging outside my house in my shorts watching my house burn down....ugh or me washing clothes and then coming down to the basement completely filled with water. The last scenario is probably way too far fetched but I think I had a childhood nightmare about such a thing.

I dunno I guess I'll keep mulling it over.

Monday, February 25, 2008

oooh Diablo

What kind of fool are you?
Strange brew -- kill what's inside of you.


I watched the Oscars the other night and the only thing I really came away with is how irresistible Diablo Cody is. I mean I don't care where she's from or the Crystal Target where she wrote Juno at or any of it but I would truly do her. If someone like that walked up to me on the street and asked for something, I'd probably do whatever she wanted.

I've always been fascinated with dark haired women with really light eyes. I don't know what it is but it looks so unique and it puts me in a trance. All I know is if I happened to be going on the Minneapolis strip joint circuit in 2004(?) and she was dancing for me, I'd probably be broke by now.

It could be that sweet ass tat on her right arm too. I feel a bit jealous for "Jonny".

She could easily be a ten.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Looking Old Crap

I am guilty of something
I hope you never do because there is nothing
Sadder than losing .. yourself in love

Crap List


1.  How old do I look?

Me talking to a  40-50 year old dude at work
Billy:  So then I says to the kid, 'hey, I'll take a a small drink instead.' you know?
Boof: yeah, they can be stupid about it sometimes.
Billy:  I guess things just aren't the same since we were kids ya know?
Boof frowning:  uh yeah.

and then I get this sometimes.
R:  So now the high school kids get a week off before graduation.  I remember when you and I graduated--like in the late 70's early 80's--we never got any benefits.

What the hell?  I graduated in '98! 
I'm probably half the age of you and I know for a fact that they have kids that are older than me so what gives?  I guess it doesn't bug me too much but it's like any conversation with my mom.  I feel like saying,
"You know, I'm actually not even in my 30s yet.  I was still just a thought when you were dancing around to 'Funkytown'" 

It does make me wonder if I'm going to look 80 when I'm 40. 

 

2.  Reactionaries

It does seem a bit ridiculous that we have a 21 year old going to a bar, drinks to death, and the solution to the problem is to shut down that particular bar. 
Then when and illegal immigrant (say what you will) crashes into a school bus and suddenly we got to get rid of all the illegals.  I mean the assertion should be to ban all women drivers--kidding, kidding. 
Then kids go and shoot other classmates and they blame the music that they listen to.

Like Chris Rock says, why can't people just be fucking crazy?  I know it seems very lazy but why can't we ever just say, "shit happens" and not try to change laws and businesses just because someone didn't know when to say when.  Why can't we ever just make a note to ourselves to not run stop signs or pass on that 8th-three wise men. 

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Belated Bits

I've got 200 more miles of rain asphalt and light
before I sleep
But there'll be no warm sheets or welcoming arms
to fall into tonight

-Before I got sick I know I wandered into the grocery store late one night and bought NyQuil, some gum, and a sweet beef stick. I came home and took the Nyquil out of the bag and threw the rest somewhere in my room. I'm not so concerned about the gum but the beef stick...the beef sick is a Klements beef stick and those are bitchin.

So I'm wondering if I should attempt to clean my room in an effort to find this magical beef stick.

or

should I forget about it and hopefully find it when I move out. That way it would be a super bonus and add a smiley face to a good day or be something that actually goes in my favor in a bad day.
I'm opting for the latter because I'm really lazy.


-Last night they had the McGyver myths on Mythbusters to which I haven't seen yet. Apparently they're going to recreate the bamboo glider thingy that Macgyver made during one particular episode. I vividly remember that episode as being one of the coolest ever because I thought maybe I could make one of those things.

Like I could be in church or something and go to the bathroom where I would make a glider thingy out of pews and bibles while I steal a motor (that happens to be sitting in the refreshments room) and I would fly my way back home and eat up all the Oreos.

I did remember that Macgyver scenario during the weirdest times though. Like during a test I would be deep in thought when I would think of him in that bamboo glider thingy and I would think, "wow, that's completely ridiculous!" and then I would go on to fail said test.

I actually hope that particular myth is true though. I mean then we could all fly around in bamboo glider thingys!


-I think my mom is starting to get some severe cabin fever. Since my bro moved out and found his own place there's one less person around the house and suddenly the house looks a bit empty. Usually when I stop home it's like this,

Boof opening the door to the kitchen: Hey, hey!
(silence)
I walk around the corner to the living room where my mom is wrapped up in a blanket on the couch
Boof: Hey, what's new?
Mom: I don't know. What should be new?

compared that to now,
Boof opening the door to the kitchen: Hey--oh hey mom.
She heard me come up the steps and is now greeting me at the door.
Mom: Are you hungry? Do you want something to drink. Here, have a seat

All that really makes me a bit uncomfortable because I didn't come over for tea and I miss the uncaring mom. Suddenly I'm the center of attention and I have to actually have a conversation with my mom which isn't too bad but I know she wont really be listening to me.

My dad on the other hand, he has 2 new 'man rooms' where he can watch tv by himself and not have to be bothered by other noises (like my Mom).

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Crappy Biscuits

Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime


Crap List

1. Burger King
I looked at some houses on Saturday morning and while I did find two houses that I did like I was a little more excited that we finished a bit early at 10am. I had just enough time to have some fast food breakfast. It's already starting to be a good day!

I had a bit of a quick problem in that there were no Burger Kings around and that I didn't know if I could make it in time. I went north on Snelling (notorious for stoplights on every damn block) and I made just about every single light. I then realized that I might not have enough money on me since I spent so much on stupid shit at the gas station the night before. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a five dollar bill.
Sweet as hell! Again, everything is going right.

I pulled into the Burger King drive-thru at 10:20am and the breakfast menu was still up. Although I was wearing my 96 hour shadow, hadn't showered in over 24 hours, and wearing clothes that were decidedly dirty I was glowing like a million bucks.
It's always a good day when I can get my biscuits

I pulled up to the teller,
Teller: Welcome to Burger King, how may I help you?
Boof: Yes, I'd like the number with a milk fine lady.
(Pause)
Teller: Ah, we're serving food now sir.
Boof: What?
Teller: We're finished serving breakfast
(and she's telling me this as the breakfast menu was still posted.)
Boof: It's not even 10:30 yet!
(nothing for a couple minutes)
Boof: It's only 10:22! What about my biscuits!
(nothing)
Boof: dammit!

As I was going to put my car into gear and reverse my way out of the drive through lane a huge SUV pulled in and I was decidedly stuck in the drive through lane without my biscuits. The service was really slow that MORNING and I was sitting there without any food waiting for me for about ten minutes. No chance to quickly go to McDonalds.

So then I had my mind set on biscuits and my only alternative was to go to Super America and buy one of their poopy biscuits and I really don't like poopy biscuits. At least I got some money on my speedy rewards zone card.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Last Time I Puked

When you add it all up
The tears and the marrowbone
There's an ounce of gold
And an ounce of pride in each ledger


With both my roommates, Raymond, and Nick all throwing up recently I thought I would try and rediscover when the last time I blew chunks was.  I've never really kept track but hearing the vomit slam across the porcelain one night, I thought to myself,

"Damn, it's been awhile since I've hurled." 

I knew at a very young age that someone was very different about me---nah I didn't know anything like that.  In fact nearly all of my vomiting came as a young kid.  When I was young it seemed like I would throw up on holidays.  For instance I vividly remember one Easter throwing up a ton.  Perhaps it was too much Easter candy but I blamed it on the carrot cake.  Then I remember throwing up on New Years day which I think was just flu related. 

Since those times, I've never thrown up at all.  Not even by the "big 3".

1.  The Flu
While I do truly believe that I've had the flu (2006 Rose Bowl) I have never vomited as a result.  In fact I've never had the urge to vomit when I'm sick.  The only urge I have is to lay down in bed and hope that my extreme weakness goes away. 

2.  Food Poisoning
I'm a pretty ignorant person when it comes to food.  When someone tells me what hot dogs are made of I usually reply with,
"Yeah, and it all tastes good.".  There was also one time when I found a worm in my Rice-A-Roni and I simply fished it out and continued eating said Rice-A-Roni.  Now with my remedial cooking skills I know there has probably been one time where I failed to cook ground beef enough to call it safe or eaten one of those really sketchy tv dinners.  So I probably have had food poisoning before.

Instead of vomiting all poisonous food though, I just end up taking about 10 trips to the thunderbucket and let my colon take care of the work.  I mean when my stomach starts to feel bad I just run into a table and soon enough, I have the shits. 

3.  Drinking too much
I always see my digestive system as a series of construction workers working under one foreman.  Whenever I consume something the surly guy says something like,
"Macaroni and cheese coming down!"  and he sounds some sort of horn for the enzymes to do their work. 
When it comes to drinking I believe this foreman sounds a warning to my liver and gets all the enzymes on high alert.  I have a low tolerance for alcohol because I really don't drink that much.  It just never occurs to me that drinking = fun and I could (and have) gone weeks and even months without drinking without even knowing it.  It just doesn't automatically equal a good time to me and I certainly don't crave alcohol. 

The times when I do drink however, it's usually all out.  I mean for my birthday I will have about 3 steins of beer and a couple shots here and there and then fall asleep somewhere.  It's like I out-drink myself into an unconsciousness which sounds terrible but because I'm such a lightweight, I simply fall asleep at the bar.  I don't have a chance to drink so much that I have to puke it all out.

It goes like this,
Foreman guy:  Alright you douchebags, get ready because Tom's drinkin tonight. 
Foreman hour later:  He's got a grape ape coming down!  Get that fuckin liver ready!
Foreman a half hour after that:  Oh shit, THREE WISE MEN!  SHIT'S COMING DOWN!
Foreman an hour after that:  oh my god he's doing TRAFFIC LIGHTS!  WE'RE SHUTTING THINGS DOWN NOW!  WE'RE SHUTTING IT DOWN!  EVERYONE GO HOME AND GO TO BED!  WE'RE SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! 
and he'd pull some major lever and I would simply just fall asleep.

I remember growing up having an intense fear of throwing up.  I just hated the thought of puking.  Weirdly enough the more you think about puking, the more you want to puke.  There were many times where I was simply acting like a hypochondriac and thinking I was going to puke but no where even close.

Taking a brief back of the napkin estimate I know I've never puked recently or in the last 5 years.  I've never puked during college which dates back to '98.

I do remember puking during the NCAA tournament when Darvin Hamm broke the backboard which was....'96?  I remember laying in bed sick and watching this game.  I got to a point where I knew I needed to throw up but Hamm just shattered the backboard and I wanted to see them clean up the mess so I watched them and then proceeded to throw up on demand.  I puked so much that not only was it coming out of my mouth but out my nose so I was temporarily unable to breathe which was cool.  I think that vomiting was due to the flu.  I remember feeling exponentially better after blowing chunks too.

Other than that and the times where I drank warm lemonade which briefly upchucked it's way in the back of my mouth, I've never puked since then.  Maybe someday I'll puke again!  It'll probably be sometime soon since I just jinxed myself.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Moving the Bro In

Now I know the rules
Get yourself another fool

Man, I just can't stop thinking about Raymond and Nick at driving along some long and lonesome highway with about 15 more inches of bodily fluids and Kleenex scattered along the top. I bet they gotta make life preservers out of poop!

Last Saturday my brother finally moved out of the house and into his new town home. I was actually pretty proud of him because knowing where he had come from and the amount of years he lived at home, I think it's damn near heroic that he was able to withstand everything for so long. I mean I can't stand 2 nights of living in the house let alone 26 years.

Knowing where he came from, this was actually a huge step for him. I remember seeing him at his worst. He was pulled over for 'rockin the ganja' and that was a pretty steep penalty. He also basically broke down at home and scared the crap out of our mom which is pretty tough in itself. On top of all that he buried himself deep into debt.

I think it was one night when my mom had to make the awful decision whether to let him stay in the house or send him to jail to cool off over the weekend. Everyone in the room (neighbors, cops, friends) knew what the correct answer was but here my mom had to make the decision. It can't be a very easy decision to simply let you son go to jail for the weekend but I even felt it was the right decision because he was just crazy that night. I even had to spend the night at home to make sure my mom was alright.

Miraculously he found a nice paying job, climbed his way out of debt (for the most part), and has a place of his own.

I was getting a little jealous when my brother was claiming stuff that I had set out to claim like the kitchen table and chairs, the 'Married With Children' couch, and our parents junked up (but still pretty nice) furniture. However it was almost a good thing until I realized all the other things included.

Saturday while moving, our mom was acting kind of weird. She was actually off the couch and doing something other than making egg sandwichs. She was actually lifting stuff and bringing it to the truck. It's just that the stuff she was bringing to the truck was the junk that she wanted to get rid of. She was using my bro as her own little goodwill.

She gave him quilts that he didn't need, tables and chairs that were hers but funny, were never sent to the goodwill. She even gave him not one bed, but both beds. What he's going to need with two beds in one guest room, I have no idea. Our mom was so motivated in getting rid of stuff that we had to just leave her before she tossed in their garbage, their literal garbage that was going to the side of the road.

I asked him why he let her do this,

Boof: You know, she's just trying to get rid of all her shit onto you
Bro: I know
Boof: Aren't you going to say anything or do anything?
Bro: eh, no.

Hell, I wouldn't let her bring me a box of toothpicks.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Flu Crap

 

One left her sweater sittin' on the train
The other lost three fingers at the cannery
Everything's so easy for Pauline

Crap List

1.  Having the flu...while driving truck...with someone else who also has the flu.

The past 5 days or so I've caught some strange bug which makes me really weak, and irregular coughing fits.  Basically I don't make fun of kids anymore because I suddenly fear for my life.  One little bootie in the butt and I'm dead meat.  So I've been trudging along for the last 5 days or so trying to get myself healthy again so I can safely start making fun of people and having the strength to either run away or sit on someone. 

Then I got this text message from Raymond,
"Me and NIck both have the flu.  The vomit is flying.  Worst case scenario"

oooooh, yeah that does indeed trump my 'little girl beating me up to a pulp at the local playground' nightmare, or the 'getting your jugular sliced off during a hockey game' nightmare.  That's just a very bad scenario.

My friend Raymond just started driving truck last October/November.  He moved down to Tennessee and ever since we've all tried to keep tabs on where he's at and what he's doing.  This past week he and his brother decided to tag team the operation for some extra company and maybe for an adventure.  Apparently they got that--actually it's not even an adventure, it's just pure shit luck is all that is.

When I think of Raymond and Nick I think of them stuck in a 10x7 box with about ten inches of puke, fecal matter, and some urine.  Every time they stop the wave of diarrhea comes up to the cab and splashes out the windows.  On top of that when they aren't puking or 'riding the thunderbucket' they're coughing and moaning like zombies.  Oh my god that's so horrible! 

I remember when I had the flu (at least I'm 95% sure I had the flu).  I was in bed, woke up, and looked at the ceiling and thought,

"There is absolutely no way I'm going into work today." which was probably the first time I had ever thought such a thing.  Up to that point I don't think I ever took a day off of work because of sickness.  I always had a cold or wasn't feeling 100% but I still would manage to gather myself and go to work (even when I shouldn't have).  I always had plenty of reasons to be at work and being sick just was unacceptable. 

Driving truck though, with that ten inches of miscellaneous bodily fluids floating around--that's gotta really suck though.

2.  Johan Santana

I never did get to write about this so here goes nothing.  It truly sucks that he's gone.  He was my favorite player and I would actually try to attend any game that he pitched.  I figured it was only a matter of time before he left. 

I mean imagine if you were a pitcher, a dominant left handed pitcher with a fucking awesome change-up, you kept smoking away everyone in the opposing lineup.  First 5 innings were cake and then the 6th inning comes up and some crazy dude actually guesses correctly on a change-up and knocks it out. 

It's no biggie because it's only a solo shot but--oh, because your team can't score 2 runs you're either tied at 1 or mostly likely down 1-0.  This is the type of crap Johan had to deal with here.  The Twins couldn't score 3 runs to support him, never made that one defining trade or free agent acquisition to ensure a nice playoff run, and he pitched in the worst stadium in baseball.  Add in the fact that the National League is great for pitchers and that the Twins will never sign anyone (especially not a pitcher) to a 7 year contract and it seemed pretty safe to say that Johan was out of here.

What I didn't expect was for him to pull that bitch-ass ultimatum by Santana during some Tuesday when barely anyone was interested.  The end result was that the Twins received 4 prospects for the best pitcher in baseball. 

Johan is better than 4 prospects.  He's probably better than most teams farm club's pitchers altogether.  Twins had no chance whatsoever and Johan had all the cards in his hands. 

Seeing him with that Mets uniform was about the grossest thing I have seen in baseball

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Champs!!!!

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out


The 2007 Fantasy football season was a very sobering year for team, Giggity Giggity.  I started the year sucking and I ended the year sucking.  I managed to win only 5 games and I was routinely being beat by my rivals (except T-bone) who I would used to brag to and cock off too.  This year it was them who was doing the bragging. 

Sunday afternoons were spent at Buffalo Wild Wings with me shaking my head and shaking my fist in the air.  Hog, my arch rival was living it up because not only was his team winning but more importantly my team was losing.  Just like Hog, I want to win and I would like nothing more than for him to lose, hopefully in heartbreaking fashion.  In our regular season matchups, he swept me leaving me downtrodden and broken.  Not only that, Giggity Giggity finished dead last in the League of Extraordinary Poop.  Fantasy football 2007 was a truly humbled experience for this fantasy football owner. 

Then came the playoffs and everything started turning around.  Suddenly I had all the right guys come alive and kick ass for me after a regular season of complete and utter crap.  I kicked the crap out of the Bionic Hippos, I then defeated the dreaded and annoying Cullen team 'The Fighting Caucasians', then it was onto Raymond's 'Bears' to which I soundly beat. 

Giggity Giggity was on a roll winning three in a row after finishing the regular season with 5 wins.

Now it was superbowl time.  Who was my opponent you may ask?  None other than Hog's 'Goodfellas'. 

Hog and I have played in some hardcore games in the past with last years game of $50 on the line (which I won) and with every game being dubbed "Presidents cup".  We want nothing more than the other team to lose and here we were in the League of Extraordinary Poop Superbowl. 

Hog was cocky at first and I came in with an exceptional lineup filled with backup patriot players and Tom Brady.

The game started and I was feeling good about having a lineup filled with Patriots like Brady, Moss, Welker, Maroney, and company.  Hog, meanwhile had the entire Giants team and it was basically Patriots Vs. Giants-Boof Vs. Hog

The first half ended with me feeling very uneasy and as it turns out we tied at 18.  I thought that was a definite bad sign.

2nd half-- Touchdown Moss (yes!), touchdown Plaxico (no!) and the Giants beat the Patriots. 

I very nervously waited for a "ha ha" phone call as I tallied up the scores.

Goodfellas 50
Giggity Giggity 59

SUPBERBOWL CHAMPS!!!!!!!!!

which means I get a trophy for a year! 

 

SHOCK THE WORLD!!!!! Take that Hog!!!!

Monday, February 04, 2008

A Good Reception

Followed your love till it never really was at all
Feeling stupid and hollow
Now the moon's gonna' follow me home


This may come as a bit of a surprise to, well, probably nobody but I attended a wedding this weekend and yet, I didn't come on here to bitch about it. I certainly have said my peace about weddings in the past and there's nothing in the world that irritates me more than traditional weddings.

The weddings I've been to in the past have involved a distant cousin, or acquaintances, or even friends and I've never liked any of their weddings. I even skipped a good friends wedding because I didn't want to put up with anything. I passed up the opportunity to be in a wedding back in my Marshall days and I even ditched a coworkers wedding reception because I was just not feeling 'Friends in Low Places'.

I simply hate weddings.

This particular wedding last weekend was a bit different though. This wedding was something I actually looked forward to attending.

At some point during the reception someone walked over to me and said,
"Hey Tom, you used to have a crush on D (the bride) didn't you?"
Boof: haha yeah, I sure did.

Looking back on things, "crush" doesn't seem to totally cover things, "obsessed" seems a bit more accurate.

The whole subject had always been embarrassing to me given the variables: She was 16 and I was 19, she was my good friend's cousin in a very tight knit family, and she was one of two girls in the entire family of hardcore Italians. Needless to say I had flashes of The Godfather going through my mind. I really couldn't help it though-I just loved talking to her and hanging out with her and was completely smitten.

I specifically remember a New Years party at my friends house when me and D just simply talked the whole night. It was probably the first real connection I ever had and I was oblivious to anything else going on. I just wanted to hear her talk and see her smile. She could've asked me to stick my finger in a socket and I would certainly do it and with a smile. After the party I had to go back to Marshall and I didn't have any way I could contact her but I certainly thought about her all the time.

One day during that hellish semester of school I got a random email from D. Somehow, someway she found my email address. I read the email and was immediately on cloud 9. I don't even think I had any sleep that night (like I said, this whole topic is very embarrassing to me).

When I came home from college we went out a couple times but I was never quite comfortable with things nor did I really know what to do but we still kept in touch which I fed off of. I could never quite get the point that things were not going to pan out but I was simply stuck in my own obsession. I can easily say that a couple of those years D was the person I thought of most.

I eventually moved on (which certainly seemed like a momentous occasion in itself) and we've kept in touch and have remained good friends ever since. For some reason I think she knew somehow that I was struggling through this "obsession" and instead of avoiding me, she kept approaching me and was not afraid to talk. Because of that past I do feel somewhat of a deeper friendship with her than most people.

When I found out she was getting married I circled the date on my calendar and I was not going to miss it despite my hatred for weddings. I knew she was marrying a really good guy and she clearly was in love. I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

During the reception, It was very interesting how out-of-touch I was about her. A lot of my info about D was dating back about 6-10 years ago and I learned that she actually likes country and is not as into Bon Jovi as she once was.

It's also interesting how the memories come back during the first dance. The 19 year old in me was crushed, the 28 year old in me couldn't have been happier for her.

Median Crap

Maybe one day, along the way
You'll remember me, on this island
Smiling at you, how I used to
Maybe one day, you'll remember


 

Crap List

1.  The medians on University Ave. 

For the last 3 months or so I've done a bit of research on the Central Corridor which is the light rail line that would connect Minneapolis, St. Paul, St. Cloud (someday), Duluth, and other suburbs.  I know this because I'm looking to purchase a house somewhere along that line.  To me it just makes perfect sense.  The Central Corridor is going to literally be on University Ave and I've been looking at about 20 houses in that particular area.  Just last week the plan for the corridor was projected to be about 1.2 billion which is about a third over any kind of realistic budget the state and feds would help fund.  Whatever.

Scott:  University Ave?  Do they even have enough space on that street?
Boof:  yeah they should because a lot of University has bit of a median which is like a curb in the middle of the road.

Not that I'm an expert but I've actually scoped out the path a little bit.  Yeah, I'm a nerd.

Friday night I went to the Gopher hockey game with some coworkers and afterwards we had some drinks at a bar where the homeless and pregnant go to get their drank on.  T'was a good time and I kept looking out the window and imagining an oldschool locomotive thing whistling down University Ave and me wearing the locomotive's hat and a wide smile engineering it.  It's just one of many crazy fantasies that I have. *and yes, I understand that lightrail is not going to require an oldschool locomotive but its my fantasy dammit!

After hitting on a couple pregnant bitches I turned in for the night and was on my way home.  I approached University form the bar's parking lot, put on my left blinker, looked left, right, and started taking my left onto University.  As I was making my left I started thinking, 'this is where the corridor is going to be.  Right here on the elevated median.  ELEVATED MEDIAN!?'

THUNK-THA-THUNK!  I was now on top of said median.  I went over and now I could hear the wobble of a certain front passenger tire. 

As I turned on the hazard lights and started putting leverage on my breaker bar I envisioned me engineering that Central Corridor locomotive and looking back at me changing my tire at the intersection of Vandalia and University.  I don my engineers hat and yell out,

"Should've used public transportation!" and in retaliation I simply waved my middle finger towards that fucking median.