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Sunday, March 30, 2008

Break Up Crap

Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything

 

Crap List

1.  Breaking up
I gave it one last shot with A to see if any sparks happen or to see if we find a connection of some sort.  We went out and the date was pretty much the same as the others:  okay but not great, not bad either but I knew that it just wasn't going to work between us.  Now usually I've been on the side of the coin that get's dumped and I have to wonder what happened.  There were a couple people I dated in the past that left me with a bit of heartache and sadness but...that's what happens.

This time it was me giving the bad news and I'm just no good at something like that.  It would be much different if A was a complete bitch and would go out of her way to trip old people crossing the road but she is actually a really good person. 

The date ended and I told her how I felt with me saying how things just weren't going to work out and I knew she didn't feel the same.  In fact I just talked to her (the day after) and she even used the work "shocked".  I drove home feeling so unbelievably bad that I made someone feel bad (maybe even crushed) but I knew it was the right thing to do. 

Luckily, like I said before, I talked to her today and she was grateful that I let her know how I felt which made me feel better about things.  We'll continue on as friends but I was really worried that I'd lose her completely.  It just sucks telling a really sweet girl really bad news. 

2.  NCAA Final Four

All four number 1 seeds made it to the Final Four?!  How incredibly lame is that!  This scenario assures that all the women, non sports loving men, and moms won the office pool.  No self respecting guy or fan of college basketball would dare to pick such a boring outcome as 4 number one seeds making it to the final four.  In fact I would say that 3 of the last ten years I would fill out my bracket sections at a time and if I ended up with all four one seeds making it, I would crumple it up and start over because that's just silly. 

Why couldn't Davidson win?

3. The bracket at work
I've always struggled to get something competitive going with my colleagues at work.  I've tried to get a fantasy football league going one year but no one was interested and the super boss said that it was against company policy or whatever.  Last Friday I walk to my desk when I notice that all the cubicles have the NCAA brackets near their computer.  At first I was disappointed because I would've loved to be involved.  Since I work nights it seems like I get left out of a lot of things and I would've liked the chance to compete with everyone. 

I grabbed on of the brackets and looked at them.  First seed was HP corporation and they were facing off the 16th seeded Micron PC (or something dumb like that.  It was a tournament of stocks in the stock market!  I thought it was the nerdiest thing ever!  Stocks!?

I mean I try to follow the stocks as much as anyone but in no way would I participate in this nerdfest.  I mean it would probably go something like this if someone asked me.

B:  Hey Tom, do you want to fill out a bracket this year?
Boof:  oh hell yeah, let's see it....Stocks?  This is a bracket of stocks?
B:  yeah it's a bit of a change of pace
Boof: pfff you can have it back.   Go your pocket protector and put on your high waters and fill out your own nerdy bracket.  I don't play that crap.

The thing about it is, I think the superboss is in charge of all this.  The same superboss that said that fantasy football couldn't be played with everyone.  They pass on fantasy football but they'd rather play a bracket of stocks?  I'm going to take my steel toed shoes and kick everyone in the balls or whatever is taking up the space that their balls once were.

4.  That new KFC commercial

I'm talking about that commercial where the family is sitting down eating a bucket of chicken (reminds me of my family) and 'lil Billy brings over his friend who is super polite.  He nicely asks for chicken and nicely asks for someone to pass him the mashed potatoes.  Finally the mom (or milf) tells him to not be so polite.

Kid then says, "Could you please pass the chicken, Nancy?"  and everyone stares at the kid for calling the milf, Nancy. 

I would be just like this kid being all polite and shit towards this family.  I've been like that in the past and probably will in the future.  If someone tells me to not be so polite then I take it as a sign to be "at ease".  Then I would probably openly flirt with the mother.

"Excuse me Milf, could you please pass the mashed potatoes that are next to your very exquisite left breast?"

God I love tv commercial milfs.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Twins 2008 Preview

She would listen to my chatter
as if every word I spoke mattered.
She'd hold me close and whisper in my ear.

 

In years past I've always been very eager to write my yearly Twins preview but this year is a bit different.  Throughout this offseason I haven't exactly sat down and thought about the 2008 season.  I've refused because it's kinda like getting the corrected test back that you just have a feeling you completely bombed.  You can almost feel the red marks bleeding through the paper.  2008 Twins baseball reeks of that fine red marker and after the last 7 years of above .500 baseball it might be humbling heading back to the mid nineties of Twins baseball.

First of all I should talk about this last offseason.  Twins lost Lew Ford, Jason Tyner, Luis Rodriguez, Matt Garza, Jason Bartlett, Carlos Silva, Torri Hunter, and Johan Santana in some way over the off season.  A lot of those guys I'm either indifferent to losing or happy that they're gone.  Silva benefited from one hell of a pitchers market, Garza was traded, and Santana pretty much wanted out of here in the worst way and demanded to be traded in five minutes or he'd screw the Twins over--at least the way I see it. 

So let's take a look at the 2008 Twins starting pitchers

Livan Hernandez
Hernandez is the pitcher the Twins signed just before spring training and it already seems a bit of swallowing pride knowing that someone who hasn't been on the Twins for more than two months will be the official ace of the club.  He does have experience and he was a decent pickup--actually it was a little surprising that the Twins signed him with the market for pitchers skyrocketing.  He's never played in the American League so his stats should be a bit worse than usual.  He can eat up innings as well as anyone but he just seems a lot like a Carlos Silva and Carlos Silva has always been a 2-3 pitcher.  What's a bit sad is that it seems perfectly fine for him to be the opening day starter when analyzing the rest of the rotation.

10-17, 5.40 ERA

Scott Baker
The 2nd half of last year  was a bit impressive with Baker.  Last year we nearly saw him record a complete game against the Brewers and were oh excruciatingly close to seeing him pitch a no-hitter against the Royals.  The other games were mostly quality starts including some really good outings against Detroit and Cleveland.  I would love to think that he continues that nice pace of having an ERA in the 4 range but unfortunately his history is so sketchy that I don't want put my heart into it.  I will say that that IF he pitches like he did last year there is a chance that he could win 15 games in this bitch of a division.  Unfortunately he might start the season on the disabled list.

13-8, 4.70 ERA

Boof Bonser
Boof will win about 25 games and change the face of baseball. 

25-2 0.78 ERA

hmmm I wish.  Boof is another pitcher that seems to have the pitches (including a bit of a nasty curve ball) but when playing that chess match with the batter, the batter guessed right a lot last year.  I honestly think he could come out to be a decent 2-3 pitcher after enough experience.  The guy has only pitched 270 innings in his career and kept an ERA around 5 which is pretty impressive being in the AL central. 

12-12 5.00 ERA

Kevin Slowey
Or Brad Radke II as some people call him.  Slowey did walk two batters in a row at one point last year and that was truly shocking.  He did seem to feel more into place after his injury last year.  As with Boof, I think Slowey just needs some more experience and then he might be that token 'control pitcher' that the twins simply cannot do without. 

9-14 5.10

Kevin Blackburn...

pfff I have no damn clue.  I don't think I've ever seen this guy pitch so I'm not going to make a comment.

 

Bullpen

Juan Rincon
Jesse Crain
Brian Bass
Matt Guerrier
Pat Neshek
Dennys Reyes
Joe Nathan

I guess my first inclination is to take away Nathan, Neshek and Liriano and say that the bullpen might not be as good as years past.  Rincon gives me a big gulp every time he steps on the mount and I have my doubts if Reyes can stop left handed hitters like he did two years ago.  Crain is coming off of an injury that could very well end his career and Matt Guerrier just doesn't do anything for me.  Liriano will be interesting with him coming off of Tommy John surgery.  He wont be that guy from 2006 yet but this year is pretty much just him getting used to throwing a slider and getting to know his repair left arm.  The fact that some of these sportswriters are pimping him up just seems lazy and misleading.  2009 will be the year when Liriano is completely healthy. 

Lineup

Last year the lineup had a difficult time scoring runs.  Basically whenever Mauer and Morneau sucked, the whole lineup sucked with them.  The loss of Torii Hunter kinda hurts but Delmon Young will more than make up for Hunter...I still can't believe a team paid the guy $18 Million.  Basically the loss of Ford, Tyner, Rodriguez, and Punto (hopefully) being on the bench should be addition by subtraction enough to help this team score some runs.

Carlos Gomez CF
He's no Hunter but I do think there could be a chance that he'll be better than Hunter when Hunter was 22.  Gomez has already been compared to the fastest runners in baseball and has stolen over ten bases in spring training.  I even heard this guy ran out a two-hopper to the short stop!  He's considered a 4-5 tool player and could certainly be a superstar in the future but right now he doesn't have the baseball smarts to hold that title.  At the very least I believe this guy will be fun to watch, more enjoyable than Hunter and that is even if this guy bats .230. 

.250, 10HR, 38 RBI's

Joe Mauer
Now that Victor Martinez has stolen the AL catcher spotlight Mauer might have relax enough to maintain his defense and regain that offensive swing he had in 2006.  I do think he'll hit over .300 this year and the presence of Gomez on first might be enough to stifle a pitcher enough to give Mauer something to hit.  This year might be the year we possibly see more power from Mauer with him only hitting around ten homers a year.  He could hit 15-20 if he has a good year.

.325 13HR, 75 RBI's

Michael Cuddyer
I'm really liking this lineup so far (that is if Gardenhire goes with this lineup).  I think Cuddyer is at the mercy of the lineup at this point.  If Mauer hits well and Morneau hits well then there's no reason why Cuddyer should struggle.  His power in 2007 did fall a little bit but I do believe that has a lot to do with M&M (and I really hate that nickname) having substandard years than what was predicted for them.

.270 21HR, 98 RBI's

Justin Morneau
I'm a little worried about Morneau in that he struggled a bit in his last couple months of 2007.  Perhaps that was seeing Cleveland and Detroit run away with the division and him not caring but he should've hit better than he did.  His on base percentage went down 30 points.  Morneau might be a bit of a question mark but if he simply hits 30 home runs then it will be hard to call this season a slump.

.285 27HR, 110RBI's

Delmon Young
This is the guy that I can't wait to watch.  When the Twins acquired him in that trade with Matt Garza it seemed as if the whole organization just blew a load in their pants.  They even compared him to one of my favorite players in Vladimir Guerrero!  If this is the case then I really have GOT to see him.  I would almost like to see him bat between Mauer and Morneau just to see what kind of pitches he gets.  If Gomez can simply get on base then this 1-5 part of the lineup could be one of the best in baseball. 

.315 24HR, 105RBI's

Jason Kubel
I have a feeling (or a blatent wish) that this DH position is more of a platoon deal with Craig Monroe but Gardenhire doesn't necessarily do stuff like that.  Kubel has always had the hype around him being as good of a hitter as Mauer but has never lived up to it.  He only has about 700 at-bats which is about the amount that Torii Hunter had when he started hitting fairly well so perhaps this year he finds it.  He's in a good position in the line up to see some pitches.

.280 15HR 80 RBI's

Brendan Harris
I really don't know what to expect from this guy.  I actually thought Gardenhire would put his manservant, Nick Punto slotted for the second base position.  Harris did have a decent year in Tampa last year but he kinda sucks at 2nd base.  I dunno, the jury is still out

Mike Lamb
I was a bit happy that the Twins picked him up because A)he's an everyday third basement for...the...love...of...god and B) he's actually a decent third basement at that.  The guy should be miles better than Nick Punto (god, how did we survive a year of Punto at third?)

Adam Everett
Bill Smith actually has some hard evidence to suggest that Everett is a better shortstop than Derek Jeter and Everett is widely regarded as the best defensive shortstop in the game in sabremetric world.  They say that his fielding is so good that the fact that he sucks at hitting just doesn't even matter, he's just that good in the field.

 

I think ultimately this team should finish 4th just because of all the pitching questions.  I think this year is just a primer for the 2009 season and beyond because it's fairly apparent that they want to open the new stadium with a bang.  I do think it will be interesting to monitor the levels of Gomez, Young, and Liriano--those three players could really be bright spots this year in just seeing their potential.

As for the AL Central this year, I think it will go as follows

Detroit
Cleveland
Chicago
Twins
Royals

Go Twins....I guess

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Easter Candy '08

I get lost in alibis
Sadness can't prevail
Everybody knows strong love
Can't fail

 

Did everyone buy the discount candy on Monday?  You can find all sorts of Easter candy for 75% off including that really expensive looking stuff that kids in Edina get.  I bought me a couple bags of those evil Crunch Easter eggs which leaves a mess everywhere you eat with those annoying foil wrappers everywhere.  I was also going to buy M&M's but I just wasn't feeling M&M's this year.  I did stumble on this which completely puzzled me.

 

DSC01547

A chocolate cross!  Which suggests that lil' Billy and 'lil Britney are going to be running around the house munching on a chocolate cross during Easter.  I had to buy this just because it was so bizarre (and it was like 75 cents) and it begs the question,  'It's alright to pray using the cross but can you actually eat it?'.  I mean I know exactly how a little kid would eat it too, they would take a bite out of the one side of the cross (it looks bite sized), the other side, and then make note of the cool looking stick that is left.

"Take a bite outta Christ"  if you will.

Now to me a lot of Easter candy is really confusing the more I sit and ponder on it.  I've never been completely comfortable eating chocolate bunnies during Easter but not so much as to simply 'not eat them'.  I mean I there was a chocolate Dick Cheney bust perching in front of me, I wouldn't feel comfortable either but I'd still eat it.  For the record I would feel slightly more uncomfortable eating Dick Cheney in chocolate form than the Easter Bunny (because Dick Cheney is real...I think). Also perhaps Dick Cheney's head would be filled with marshmallows?  I've also had a bit of a phobia eating eggs too because I've always thought there might be a Peep in there.  And Peeps is another thing altogether.  How could anyone eat a cute little Peep?

Growing up I knew all too well how a burning cross was treated in the Catholic community but to me an edible one could be considered bad too.  I mean if you're going to make a cross out of chocolate why not go the full distance: make a Jesus out of white chocolate being crucified with candy corn nails.  To me it's pretty much the same thing.  Could an edible cross keep the evil spirits away?  Will I go to hell for eating a chocolate cross or would I go to hell for not buying a chocolate cross?

Or make a a necklace out of the chocolate cross and use it as an edible rosary.  Pray a little and enjoy a nice chocolate treat.  No fuss, no muss. 

I dunno, maybe I should just eat it.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Giant Bits

All I want is everything
Like the feel of your touch
But all I have are yesterdays
Tomorrow never comes

-The best time of year for sports is happening today and tomorrow and I'm just not as informed as I would like to be. Every year I try to do my best to analyze the NCAA conference tournaments in order to try to figure out who I'm going to pick in my bracket but I just get too bored and miss the games. This year I layed in front of the couch and watched basketball and came from it with an attitude of "woah...duh I like college basketball" without truly absorbing any of it.

I filled out my brackets this year and I basically have the four one seeds in the final four which makes it the most boring brackets I've ever made. One interesting thing I did this year was put absolutely no faith in the Big Ten and I don't have one Big Ten team in the sweet 16. I guess I spent too much of this last weekend watching paint dry (otherwise known as the Big Ten Tournament) and I was so turned off that I don't want any Big Ten teams to win in the NCAA tournament.

-I bitch about this every year but WHY THE HELL DOES DUKE/UNC ALWAYS GET HOME DRAWS? UNC this year pretty much plays at home for the first two rounds and then in the regional semifinals. It's like Gopher hockey team always playing in St. Paul for the hockey tournament.

-Behold....my tool of destructional kick ass force


my curling broom.

It's got it's own name too. It's "The Matrix" and no, I did not name it.
BOW DOWN TO THE MATRIX!!!

-Now there have been many great pictures of Sara Evans in the past but this particular one constantly reminds me that I have laundry to do.

-I've actually received a couple of emails about this article on ESPN. Basically Sal Paolantonio uses stats to show how mediocre Brett Favre was in the last half of his career. I can only assume that after that article was posted that he was fired from ESPN and a gang of crying anchormen approached him with Brett Favre gear and framed sickening pictures of #4 rising from the dead (just in time for Easter).

Chris Berman weeping in his fakish man voice: Sal, you made a lot of people cry today. I hope you're happy. Brett Favre was a SAINT! A SAINT THAT YOU COULD ONLY WISH YOU WERE LIKE. Thank you for ruining my life!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Politician Affiars

So lock up your daughter
Lock up your wife
Lock up your back door
And run for your life

 

When I heard that former Governor Eliot Spitzer paid a for a hooker I really didn't think anything was wrong with that.  I do think that it would/should be news if the following had occurred:
1.  The hooker was ugly or an upside down man (otherwise known as Sarah Jessica Parker).
2.  The hooker was a guy
3.  Animals were involved
4.  He used government money
5.  He had a fifteensome

Other than that I don't believe it's news.  As it turns out the hooker was pretty hot and the guy had needs.  I don't know anything about how he was as a governor but I don't think it matters.  I assume that all politicians cheat on their wives/husbands.  Whenever I see a politician and their perfect looking spouse I assume that both have nooners with their secretaries every Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday.

I believe this is the make up of a political family because I don't think one can survive in politics being single and one marries the other more for the political power and the upgrade in with their affiliation in their political party.  If said couple has a kid, then that secures potential conservative votes and gives them more cover to go and cheat on everyone. 

Not that EVERY political couple is like this but I believe at least half fit this description.

See, politics reminds me of when I was in the National Broadcasting Society when I was a freshman in college.  The NBS was a national student club to gain insight and recognition for anything in broadcasting.  If you ask me it was an organization where you shell out too much money in order to gain access to network with a bunch of other mediocre news "talents".

But I participated and tried to fit in.  I went to the upper midwest convention in Milwaukee with my chapter and sat through boring meeting after meeting.  The only reason I went was to see the sights and sounds of Milwaukee (the promise land).  Me and some other guys skipped the boring crap and went to the stadiums around Milwaukee and we even got to run the bases in County Stadium! 

The whole program was centered around the keynote speaker who was the backup weekend anchor in Madison or something stupid like that.  When the guy entered the room all these girls with brand new suits flocked to the guy and flirted their asses off.  It got to the point where I wanted to meander in and say, "Ladies, I run the sound board at WABC in New York, hehe"  and see how much ass I could get that night.  The thing is, everyone was doing this.  Everyone was kissing his ass and every other mediocre person who showed up with a "CBS Sports" cap.  I came away from that conference assuming they were just sex fests.

I would assume that is about how political conventions are as well. I'm thinking it's a lot like Lester Burnham and his wife (in American Beauty--Steph you wouldn't know) when they head to that realtor convention.  Lester and his wife eventually split off and do something (or someone) more interesting than being together.  Therefore, I assume all politicians cheat on their spouse. 

As for prostitution, I really don't find anything wrong with it.  It seems like an honest transaction:  Man needs sex, is willing to pay for sex:  woman needs money and is hot, woman is willing to have sex with strangers for money.  No fuss, no muss.  In fact, they should seriously legalize it.  That way the girls are taken care of, taxes would be paid, and it would be a cleaner and more organized occupation.  It's going to happen anyway.

In fact, that's the second thing on my platform for 2008, legalize prostitution right after making fast food breakfast an all day thing. 

Monday, March 17, 2008

Crap Movies Crap

Half my life is in books written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know its true
All the things come back to you

 

Crap List

1.  Stephanie not seeing any good movies.

Steph and I chat all the time online.  Basically it's me goofing off and acting stupid and to see how stupid I can take things.  In our chatting, Steph has revealed that she loves to watch movies but has not seen an alarming number of choice movies.  For instance I believe this whole conversation started when I found out she has not seen any of the Indiana Jones movies--yes, that's right, Steph has not seen ANY of the INDIANA JONES MOVIES.  You know, those movies that are always on Saturday afternoon and that you go over to a friends house and watch Indiana Jones movies?  Then there's the Star Wars movies, The Godfather part 1, The Godfather part II, Cast Away, Gladiator, American Beauty, and The Shawshank Redemption and probably many more.

That all means that she hasn't had that moment after American Beauty where one looks up and thinks, "oh my god, that was so damn good!".  She has never had cable long enough to see The Shawshank Redemption, a movie that's probably on TNT right now as you read this. 

SHE HASN'T SEEN THAT!?

What's worse is that the movies she HAS seen (looking at her blog) are National Treasure II, I am Legend, The spiderman movies, Waist Deep (whatever the hell that is), and LARRY THE CABLEGUY:HEALTH INSPECTOR. 

Just to recap:  Steph has not seen The Godfather part I (or II) but she HAS seen Larry the cableguy: Health inspector for cryin out loud.

(blink:blink)

All those other movies are nice and all but they pale in comparison to the list I have above in what she hasn't seen.  I mean I would watch all of the Indiana Jones movies about 10 times each over one more time of godawful I Am Legend. 

What's even worse than worse is that I HAVE LENT those movies to her (because it's just so fucking ridiculous that she hasn't seen any of those movies) and she refuses to watch them!  Like, I bet she thinks that I'm hyping those movies so much that she'll spite me by not watching them or by watching half of them while talking on the phone and writing up a report and saying it was stupid. 

I just can't take it anymore.  I bet if you take the past 20 Oscar award winning movies in the last 20 years, she's maybe seen 2 of them. 

I own about 5 of them alone.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Lick my Bitties

I could tell she had been cryin'
But didn't seem to bother me
Cuz I know there's no one blinder
Than a fool who just couldn't see

-Monday I woke up and felt great with the exception of one annoying and suspect cough. I didn't think anything of it until about 4pm when I just started to wind down. It was as if all the energy was suddenly sucked out of my body. I eventually grew so tired at work that I hid under my cubicle (just like Costanza) and napped for a couple hours until it was time to not feel pathetic anymore.

Then I talked to a coworker.

Boof: yeah, I just feel weak with this really dry cough
Y: yeah, that's how it starts
Boof: How what starts?
Y: I would bet you have the flu. I would put money that you have the flu. Dude you 100% have the flu
Boof: Alright shut up, god dammit.

So I figured I had the flu. I went right to bed and after a crazy night of trying to sleep I woke up the next morning feeling bad, but not bad enough to skip work. Then I stood up.

It was like I was in a crazy fun house. I couldn't even walk through the house without using the walls for support. I also had this crazy headache that was branded within my head that wouldn't go away. Add to the fact that the coughing was worse than yesterday and I was still dead tired, I decided that there was no way I could go into work.

For the 2nd time ever, I took a legitimate day off of work (as opposed to simply not wanting to go to work and calling in sick which I have done in the past during those dumb high school jobs). I'm becoming more comfortable with taking a day off instead of enduring the hell of working while being waaay too sick. In the past I would always tough it out and endure a day of work because I either; A) didn't want to give up overtime (I sound eerily like my dad now), B) I didn't want to trouble anyone to work my shift C) I didn't think I was that sick. Or some other dumb reason.

I slept until about 2pm when I woke up to chit chat with the roommate, grab something to eat, and then went back to bed at 3pm. I woke up at about 10pm and then went to watch some movies and went back to bed at 2am. Now I feel like a whole new person!

And it's all due to sleeping under my cube.

-My parents keep wondering why I want to live in the city instead of the suburbs. There are many reasons. My latest reason for living in the city came when I went grocery shopping at 2am one morning.

Boof whistling to Stayin Alive...
Boof stops, drops his basket jaw drops to the ground, and looks around cautiously.
Oh. My. Christ! I fucking love this place! Take that parents!

What was it you may ask?

Behold,


It's Mexican Coca Cola...INAGLASSBOTTLE! Mexican Coca Cola also uses pure cane sugar instead of corn syrup so it's doubly sweet. It's tremendous and it's mine (the PBR back there isn't mine). On top of the bottle it says "Medio Litro" which is spanish for 'Fucking Awesome'.

-This is what the metrodome looks like at 2am on a Sunday morning.

DSC01533

It's really creepy.

-I just sneezed all over my computer.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

One Crap

She was number nine ninety nine
On the clicker list
And I fell in love with the dirty little bitch

Crap List


1.
This Woman

When this story happened it was all over the local news. The woman seemed more than accessible to lend her story with the Star Tribune having a video feature on her and the television stations all basically feeding her grapes and fanning her head. She even called in to the KQ Morning show to try to find this guy that "threw her in the highway".

I think all men secretly knew she was lying because of a couple things.

A: She had 5 kids. I know when I read that story the first thing that threw me out in the street (zing!) was not the 'being thrown in the highway' or even the smashing of the cell phone. Nope, when I heard she had 5 kids I knew she had to be kinda fucked in the head. I mean she made a U-turn on the free way. Not even women do that (no offense to the women but most of you suck at driving. When I see a woman on a cell phone with kids in the back I pray that the vehicle doesn't simply explode).

Someone told me once that whenever a woman has a kid you take away 10% of her sanity. So theoretically she was only about 50% sane to begin with. Add to the fact that she was on meds and you pretty much have Keith Moon, driving a car.

B: If she was thrown into the highway wouldn't there be any witnesses? Wouldn't there be one guy that would admit that he nearly ran her ass over? Since it's in rush hour traffic, wouldn't it literally stop half of the highway with people 30 cars back wondering what the hell is going on up there?

Then this news comes out and guys everywhere were all nodding with grins. Somewhere this guy is completely creeped out and, if he's smart, will continue to lay low because this woman will go completely sue crazy on him. Also when I heard the latest story I'm surprised the guy didn't at least pistol whip her because that was a stupid fucking thing to do. I mean if I were in that truck I probably wouldn't have even got out of my vehicle to bitch about it because of fear of meeting people like her. If I were that wrapped up in my own rage then I would walk to her car and say,

"You know merging, from the median, with the 18 wheelers and maniac drivers out in full force, during rush hour...it's probably not a good idea." And then if she came screaming back at me I would've gotten the hell out of there. I'm thinking of the crazy cat lady now.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Housing Bits

You don't like the sound of the truth
Coming from my mouth
You say that I like the proof
Baby that might be so

-After a week of incessant number crunching, wondering, and hardcore thinking I have decided that I just can't afford to buy a house at this moment in time.  Last week I identified a house that I wanted and I immediately started analyzing the numbers.  I was clearly torn between my ambitious side and my sensible side--just a couple of the many voices and personas within the head of Boof.

My ambitious side pretty much dons a Hawaiian shirt with flip flops and a stupid grin and he was pumping his fists telling me to

"DO IT!  You will have a most excellent pad for crazy sexy parties and for when you run into Sara Evans/Diablo Cody.  You can set up your own Home Alone traps around the house and lets not forget--lets NOT FORGET--your very own loft area...and I know how much you like the crazy idea of hanging out in lofts."

"Yeah, I really do like lofts."  I'll actually say to myself as I peruse the Cub Foods frozen food section.My sensible side wears the nerdy sweater vest and has a pair of Ben Franklin glasses along with an adding machine. 

This side was laying down the facts,

"okay, okay, okay so you plan on buying this house using your saving which is fine.  Then you plan on having a roommate to which I know you don't exactly feel comfortable about and which you'll never been motivated on pursuing until it's too late.  And then you plan on doing this with $300 spending money per month? 
ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!  Forget about vacations, forget about concerts or sporting events without any form of guilt.  Basically this house is going to be your jail with $10 per diem a day."

"But....it would be a jail with a loft!  It's got a loft!" I say, now in the checkout counter.  "I could have a really sweet, comfy ottoman and design rooms with my own crazy weird style!  I could make things for the house!"

"nope, not right now.  Keep saving."  says my sensible side.

So I'm going to wait a bit and save some money.  After all, the housing market is supposed to be shit for another year and at the moment I'm in a decent situation with cheap rent and roommates that I can withstand and am comfortable with.  Also after crunching the numbers it seems very apparent that it's going to be really tough to own a house by myself unless I can find enough money to put 20% down...or find some wealthy bitch.  I mean everyone who buys a place usually is in a relationship or in a situation where they know they're not going anywhere in the next 5 years.  I know I will probably stay put here but I simply like the option of going elsewhere if an opportunity comes up.  I also like having money in the bank to support some sort of whim or in the case that Brett Favre comes down to Earth and hands me a pamphlet titled 'Boof's direction in life'

Not to mention I'm just getting burnt out in the whole situation.  I'm sick of talking to realtors and mortgage people and having them continuously gauge me for how interested I am in a particular property. 

-Conversation with a security guard
Boof:  So who do you think the lead off guy will be for the Twins?
G:  I think it's Gomez because right now the guy has 4 of the 5 tools and boy, does he have them.  If he would mature he would be one hell of a nice leadoff guy.  (the great conversation continues for another 20 minutes as we talk blissful, deep baseball)
suddenly,
G:  What do you think of Obama?
Boof:  I don't really know.  I am worried about his lack of leadership but I generally like his stance. 
G:  yeah, I just don't like his religion though.  I mean with Bush...
At this point I'm starting to cringe
G:  ...I feel like he's a better moral person than anyone running in this election.
Boof wincing in pain over the dumbass comment
G:  I mean I voted for Bush twice before and I would certainly do it twice again.
Boof on the floor and in convulsions:  So, uh who do you think is going to be the 2nd basemen?
G:  Because we need a guy in office whose not going to allow immoral things like gay marriage and stem cell research.
Boof:  alright, I gotta go.  Bye

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Did Jesus Really Retire?

I’m the independent thief
no one’s got a number on me
everybody’s talking while you save this crowd
they water down the drinks and the band plays too loud

I really can't tell if I'm in some sort of nightmare or if I hit my head really hard and I'm in a coma right now. The reason is because every sports website has

image

courtesy of espn

And then there's this from cnn,

image

It's simply hard for me to fathom this kind of attention for a very good quarterback. Legend? There are two quarterbacks playing right now who I firmly believe are better than Favre (Brady, Peyton Manning).

That's only two examples because I've heard rumors of ESPN's Sportscenter starting out with 45 minutes of Favre talk. I understand if a newscast give homage to a really good quarterback (like Favre) and they show a simple clip of 5 great touchdowns and his grizzled smile but this is insane. Experts are saying how Favre was the greatest quarterback ever without argument, Chris Berman is nearly crying on the air, and people are saying how 'football has taken a step back' because Brett announced his retirement. Underneath each feature picture is about 7 stories on Favre, top ten lists, and fans saluting an american flag while eating apple pie while wearing their #4 green and yellow.

OH

MY

GOD!

Really, lets compose ourselves a little bit here. I heard that a local television station went into some Wisconsin bars (in the middle of the day on a Tuesday for crissakes) and there were actually grown men crying (no exaggeration)! You'd think the guy just died while sacrificing himself on a grenade to save the entire state of Wisconsin and all the national sportswriters. You would think that the NFL is going to permanently retire the number 4 so no one will wear it again. To top things all off, I have been invited to a Brett Favre retirement party--no shit!

Okay let me back up a bit. I do agree that Favre is a very good quarterback--not great--but really good. I will also be the first person to admit that a quarterback playing 275 straight games is a downright unbelievably bad-ass stat. The guy deserves to be in the 'man law hall of fame' just for that stat alone. As a counter to all that I do believe the guy has cost a lot of games for the Packers with all of his idiotic interceptions. The guy threw 6 interceptions in a playoff game for the love of god.

I do think everyone gushes over this guy.... WAY TOO MUCH. Every damn game we hear the same asinine comments,
He's a gunslinger
Look, he's like a little kid
He makes things happen
.

And then my personal favorite,
"look at how the lights glisten off his helmet." I don't think Joe Buck was serious when he said it but that has been wildly debated in my own head as to whether he meant it or not. I think he did simply because he's Joe Buck.

I have seen a couple different shrines to--not the green and yellow--but Favre and it's a little disturbing to say the least. I mean I loved Kirby Puckett (and he's won more championships than Favre) but I never had a shrine to the guy. I just read his crappy book and collected a couple baseball cards.

My point is this, I think Favre is overrated. Yes he won A (singular, one, uno, only one is one) superbowl, and he's won 3 MVP's, and he's the record holder in touchdowns thrown. He's also the record holder for most interceptions which tells me he's simply played forever and thrown a shit load of passes. I mean Pete Rose has the record for hits but those last 5 years when he was playing he was basically wrote himself in the lineup just so he would break the record (and win a couple bets perhaps).

I remember when he played the Vikings in the playoffs a couple years ago. He was on the Vikings 20 yard line when he decided to start running the ball. He runs, narrowly avoiding the awful Viking linebackers, crosses the line of scrimmage, runs three more yards, and tosses the ball underhand in the endzone for a pseudo touchdown. Crowd cheers and vikings fans were shaking their head because it was an obvious penalty (and a dumbass one by Favre for that matter).

Illegal forward pass, 5 yard penalty and loss of down, fouth down.

You'd think the guy would get some criticism for killing such a vital drive and reducing the Packers to a field goal attempt. Oh no, the announcers gave the "playing like a little kid" statement and collectively started sucking each other's dick over that Illegal underhand pass. I think I remember one announcer saying something like "If that was legal, that would've been one hell of a pass."
That is exactly what I'm talking about!

I feel like Frank Grimes complaining about Homer Simpson! I just can't believe how everyone treats this guy like the Michael Jordan of Football. It makes me wonder if Brett Favre has a standing appointment with all the sportswriters for daily blowing. Like a 'you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours; You blow me, and I'll blow you in the form of giddyness over the air'

Favre: Alright John Madden, it's time four our daily appointment
Madden: Good, now don't be forgetting the taint this time. I was a little disappointed yesterday. My taint needs attention too, god dammit.

I just hope everyone gets it out of their system and the Packers go back to oober sucking for the next 2 decades so all the Packer annoying fans go back to what they were doing in the 70's, 80's, and early 90's.

I seriously hope I'm in a coma.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Please Get Warm, and Quick!

Come on you target for faraway laughter.
Come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

After yesterday's entry I thought to myself, "You know, If someone is going to post pictures of guitars let's see the full sized picture so we can see every paint chip, every Ginger Baker teeth mark, and George Harrison's hatred and envy all layered on there." So here is the clickable full sized picture.



I can't tell you how much I am begging mother nature to rid us of all this damn cold weather. Usually we get a little taste of spring right about now. You know, that one day where it gets up to 45 or 50 and everyone is out with the 'lego figure happy face' and it's like the whole city wakes up from a couple months of hibernating. The girls suddenly come back from 'hot girl camp' and whatever you need to do you wonder if it you could do it outside.

Could I make an oven, and make this pizza outside somehow?

Take me for example, last year at that 45 year old Sarah Connor place she would have that tv in the garage and I would feel like I was outside doing something simply by watching tv in the garage. Since I don't have that now I was thinking of putting up a hammock in H's back yard and watching tv in the back yard. Actually that would be a bad idea because I can picture myself falling asleep to 'The Queen' and having it rain down at 3am to which I would simply pull the blanket over my head and continue napping.

Last weekend was about as much as I could stand for this post NFL doldrums. We got like 400 channels and there is absolutely nothing on tv. For the first time in network history TNT isn't playing the Shawshank Redemption.

I suppose I could've found something to do like feeding the homeless and helping old ladies cross the road but I wasn't feeling philanthropic that weekend. I was only going to do it if poon was involved and since I don't like old lady poon and the homeless are depressing, then I'm not going to do it. There, I said it.

Then I had the idea of seeing a movie. I don't know if you've noticed how completely shitty the movies are nowadays but holy shit they are bad. I was on rottentomatoes scrolling down to movie 35 and trying to see if it was playing in the cities before I finally gave up. There is simply not a damn thing worth seeing in the theatres that I haven't seen already--at least nothing worth $8.

All I'm asking is one damn day where it's unseasonably warm and I can stop wearing my stocking cap (I'm bald remember).

Sunday, March 02, 2008

More Moving Crap

The street is cold, its trees are gone.
The story's told the dark has won.


Before I begin, let us all kneel down and behold,

DSC01530

Eric Clapton's "Blackie".  Oh she's beautiful.


 

Crap List

1.  Helping a Buddy's Buddy move

Friday night Talking with a coworker before the weekend.
Boof:  So what are you doing this weekend
Y:  I got some plans tomorrow.  What are you up to?
Boof:  Nawthin man.
Y:  Oh, well in that case you should come over tomorrow with us and help my friend move.
Boof: uh, ah....jah...So why is your friend moving?
Y:  (yadda, yadda, yadda)

I did want to come up with an excuse but I totally backed myself in to a small talk corner.  It was like screwing up at tic-tac-toe and now I was fucked two ways.  I tried to give the subtle hint that I DID NOT want to spend my Saturday moving but he made it sound like it was going to go down quick and easy.
Y:  We're going to have like 8 people and 4 trucks so it may take about an hour or two.  It's going to be cake, dude.  Alright so just stop on over at 11 and if you can't show up then give me a call.

Dammit.

So why didn't I just blow it off?  Because I already played that card and they've already helped me move once before so I should at least return the favor and everyone was pissed at me for blowing off the first move.  I also didn't have shit going on this weekend and I figure I would do my good turn for that day.
After all, it was only going to take a couple hours right?

So I arrive at Y's place and we immediately go to pick up the huge moving truck.  I dropped my car at Y's place and sat shotgun in the company moving truck as he head to YD's place (the person who is moving)
We get there and.... he's not ready.  The short version of the story is that his meth'd out gf is kicking him out for him bitching at her about her meth.  She locked him out of the place until the move-out day and he was simply not ready.  We had 8 guys standing on the driveway with our hands in our pockets as he scrambles in the house pointing at all the stuff that's his.

I was very annoyed but seeing as we had 8 people, it should still go pretty fast.

We eventually get everything loaded up after 2 hours. 

Two hours.

Boof as we pull out of the drive way:  So where is YD moving to?
S:  North St. Paul
Boof: So why are we going this way.
S:  We gotta go to Y's place because he's got some of YD's stuff at his place. 
Boof frowns:  hmmm

We do our thing at Y's place and after 45 minutes we finally hop back on and start up our convoy.

Boof:  So we're going to YD's now right?
S:  Nah, we're going to D's now.
Boof:  Well who the fuck is D?  Why are we going to his damn place?
S:  D's got more of YD's stuff so we're going to Cottage Grove.
Boof:  COTTAGE GROVE?! WHY DOES D HAVE YD'S STUFF?  WHY DIDN'T YD DO THIS CRAP YESTERDAY?!
S:  I dunno.

At this point I feel like this guy.  The move that was supposed to only take a couple hours has now eclipsed that mark and we still have 3 car loads full of crap.

So now we're traveling around the metro area picking up YD's stuff like it's some kind of stupid ass parade.  What happened to 'moves' where you haul one set of shit to one other location?  What is with all these stupid stops?

We FINALLY get to YD's place and instead of following us to all those different houses, he simply just went to his new apartment which I thought he was going to unload one of those trucks. 

He didn't which gives me the question that is shining in my head as if it's on a marquis with flashing lights, "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST 80 MINUTES?"  We unload and I just want to simply 'get-the-shit-in-the-house' and I'm in my die hard moving mode where I never waste a trip, I make sure I max out in what I can handle, and I just want to get out of there.

No one else is in this mode because they like to stop to chat and see what's in some of these boxes. 
I'm irate at this point now.  It's getting on to 4:30 and I got a hockey game that I want to go to at 6pm.  I take more stuff when YD says,
YD:  Dude, that stays in the truck.
Boof:  Why?  Where's it going to go if you're not taking it.
YD:  We gotta load some stuff back in the truck because the rest is going to Matt's place.

I asked to go home at that point.  I've moved about 8 times before and I know enough to be prepared when people show up.  It should be as simple as move in, move out.  This was fucking ridiculous. 

Which goes to show, never ask what people are up to for the weekend.


2.  News
The front page of the Star Tribune and Pioneer Press should just have a wheel with one five stories.
-The horrible housing market
-The horrible stock market
-The upcoming tax increases
-illegal immigration running rampant
-or whatever else that causes massive depression.

Let's just take all those as given's and start reporting the god damn news already.  I mean if the economy is actually progressing then that would be news.  If the tax increases somehow go away, that would be news.  This last week has just been the same recycled depressing shit and we need to find something else to report.

If there's nothing else then enter dig deeper (look at other countries and see if there is anything interesting going on over there or report something about their different way of life so we can point and laugh at how different they are) or at least make things up like the Onion.  That way at least we can get some creativity and, hopefully, some decent writing with perhaps a laugh or two. 

Like all goofy articles could start off with a warning like (Warning: we just made this shit up) and talk about how George Bush is making the worlds biggest root beer float because that's what Presidents do in the 8th year of lame duck Presidential terms. 

Then at least we could open the paper and not want to kill our collective selves.

Alright I can't end on that note, here's Stevie Ray Vaughn's guitar

DSC01531