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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Candy Girl Review

The moon on my window casts a different light
On all these memories that keep me up tonight

 

I finally read a book!  I really wish the "Book-it" buttons were back for adults because if I think I would read 5 books if I knew I was going to get a free pizza.  Oh to be a kid again.

I finally finished Diablo Cody's "Candy Girl" and I now think I am finally over Ms. Cody.  Although I'm sure she'd give the HJ in the restaurant, go down on me in a theatre, and probably eat the pickles off my double cheeseburger I just have had my fill of her.  Reading the book I was led into the life of a stripper and how one gets into the business.  It wasn't completely shocking to me.  It was more of a book for any girls who are thinking of stripping and what to look for.  As a horny ass guy this book was like putting the porno in, getting situated on top of the plastic laid out in the living room, and then finding out it's Barbara Walters in a scat film.

*shudders*

Even her tips for making men crazy shook my head.  For instance she determined that white high heels makes men go crazy (Boof's opinion:  eh...no.  I'm not a big fan of the white ones as much as I am of the red or black high heels.  Strippers-the more you know."  She also found out that by posing as a blonde stripper she gains more tips (Boof's opinion:  Blonde?  meh, I'll tip a brunette or red head twice as much as any blonde.  Mix in numerous references to her foot odor, spooge stained thongs, and sweaty tube dresses and suddenly my candy cane dreams and lollipop fantasies are now in the form of Maria Shriver in this commercial.  YIKES!

She explains how she finds strippers fascinating in how they pretty much control all the men in the joint.  She brings up a stark difference in how she just wants to dance for money and nothing more than that.  As the weeks go by the money seems to control her to an extent and she basically turns into a prostitute in my opinion. 

It was an interesting book but I'm glad I didn't buy it.  And instead of having Diablo Cody dreams I will focus all my attention onto Sara Evans from now on.  At least Sara Evans hasn't written a song about foot odor. 

Point of interest though:  Is Jason Bateman's character in Juno based off of Jonny? 

Monday, May 26, 2008

Apnea Crap

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

 

Crap List

1.  T Bone and His Snoring

I had the Ratboy wedding to attend this weekend and it wasn't the most horrible wedding I've been to.  Luckily I had Sudoku to keep me company during the ceremony.  The reception was okay and the cake gave me severe diarrhea but it was nearly bearable.  Me, Raymond Jennings, Hog, and Babycakes followed the ceremony by going to the casino and eventually passing out in T-Bone's room.  I'm a pretty fussy sleeper as it is so I wasn't expecting much for sleep.  Maybe 2-3 hours or enough to keep me energized for a quick trip to Burger King and devour a biscuit sandwich before I take a ride on the thunderbucket for blissful defecation.

I had about 45 minutes of sleep and I don't even know how I got that much.  T-Bone was drunk and sleeping on his back which is perfect for someone who has terrible sleep apnea like T-Bone has. 

T-Bone will have a series of small squeals about 4 seconds apart in which he shakes the bed desperate for a breath of air.  Finally when the pressure on his lungs is too great, he takes this enormous breath of air in which he makes a noise that is so loud and so horrible that I can't even try to make such a noise!  It's rather quite amazing when you think about it while you're nice and warm in the confines of your own bed.  It's frustrating as shit when you're sharing a bed with him.

I even remember when his snoring scared the crap out of me when we went camping to Glacier National park.  We tented out at a public campsite--where plenty of pseudo camping come and try to "rough it" during holiday weekends.  Plenty of food is left out because people just don't know any better so they were warning us of bears and not just pussy little brown bears but Grizzlies.  I wasn't too scared because we didn't have any food in the tent so I slept away.

I woke up at around 2pm staring at the side of the tent.  I kept hearing this violent grunting coming from somewhere

CCCCCRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU

and I thought for sure there was a Grizzly standing a foot away from the thin sheet of nylon separating us from the bear.

CCCRRRROOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

CCCCRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I was legitimately scared and was inching my way towards the center of the tent.  I slowly rolled over and looked to see if anyone else was awake when I saw T-Bone,

CCCCCRRRRRROOOOOOOOUUUU-CRR-CRR-CRR-CRR-ahem

It was simply just T-Bone snoring and I was looking at him incredulously as the fear filled sweat dripped from my face. 

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Perky Bits

Yes, I told you that the light goes up and down.
Don't you notice how the wheel goes 'round?
And you better pick yourself up from the ground
Before they bring the curtain down.

 

-I worked the longest shift I've ever worked just the other night.  I started work at 2:30pm and I finally stumbled home at 7am.  We had an emergency main break at work and I had to stay for most of the duration.  The whole thing went pretty smooth but the stages of loopiness were very apparent.

I tried not to complain too much because the excavation workers were just coming back from working a twelve hour shift from somewhere else and now they were here to work another twelve hours.  I on the other hand was so loopy that I wanted to start dancing like I was Lord of the Dance.  I didn't want to dance by the dig so I would head inside the building every now and then I would bounce around in the freight elevator.  I was wide awake and looking for something to break while I was roaming around the building.

Then the sun started coming up and I started to wind down a bit.  I simply really dislike the morning light because I have the sudden urge to try to fall asleep since I didn't get any when it was dark. As 6am rolled around I was starting to get flat-out stupid.  I think I asked someone why a curb is as high as one usually is and they nearly leveled me right then and there.

-I want some wings like right now.

-Every night I come home I see the neon lights of the tatoo place which is near where I currently live.  Since I haven't filled my quota of having a one-night bender I'm tentatively thinking of getting completely tanked and getting a tatoo. 

One idea would be to get this on my arm.  See, those are my initials!

Another Idea would be to take the T out of this and and use two of the smaller C's, turn then around and somehow turn them into a B so I'd have my own Twins/initial tatoo.  I think this idea would kick so much ass especially with a good sized T

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Golf Crap

The sweet smell of a great sorrow lies over the land
Plumes of smoke rise and merge into the leaden sky

 

Crap LIst

1.  Phalen Golf Course

Actually Phalen was a pretty nice golf course.  It's just that if you're a terrible golfer or you decide to swing a club for the first time since August, it's not a great course for the renegade vengeance known as "good intentions" Golf.

Good Intentions Golf is where you place the golf ball on the tee and you hope to god you don't hit anyone or anything that will cost money.  If you hit it in the rough, no big deal.  If your ball drags ass across the fairway, again, no biggie.  Basically it's the fun version of golf where if anything good happens, then it's a bonus because you're expecting to play like complete dog shit. 

Phalen has too many holes were the parking lot is just left of center and that new Lexus seems to have that target glistening on it's passenger fender.  There's also plenty of public roads that draw any shot that seems to hook like a Frisbee.  It if wasn't for a few conveniently placed trees then I'd probably be paying for a couple dents.

I did manage to get a couple guys on the putting green pissed at me when I sliced something that landed on said green. 

They were probably assholes anyway. 

 

2.  Bryan Adams concert: $50

Friday, when I was at the gym, I checked out the paper when my attention was glued onto the upcoming Bryan Adams concert.  It was actually that night at the Pantages theater and I really wanted to go.

I thought to myself,
"This is Bryan Adams, the butt of so many Canadian wussy singers.  Who would possibly want to go to his concert--except me of course?"

I figured tickets would be plentiful and around $15 since... it's Bryan Adams.  I noticed that the concert was sold out according to the newspaper so I was surprised by that but I figured that I would hang out in front of the theater and ask for an extra ticket...to Bryan Adams...in public.  hmmm 
Well, whatever.

I did some research and found out that tickets range from $27-$80 which is fucking crazy!  As much as I really wanted to go I wasn't really feeling the $30 I'd have to shell out and the public humiliation of begging for an extra ticket to see Bryan Adams. 

Boof:  TICKET!  I NEED A TICKET!
Stranger:  Ticket?  What's playing? 
Boof:  Ah....Bryan Adams
Stranger:  You gotta be seriously whipped to ask for tickets for Bryan Adams
Boof:  Ah...I'm here by myself.  Shut up.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Browner Bits

And I dream your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me, as if I was just another one of your deals?

 

-I attended the Living Green Festival at the State Fairgrounds a couple weekends ago.  I went because I like to collect refrigerator magnets and collect free things.  This year was a poor year for collecting magnets with my one and only magnet being a crappy Warner's Stellian magnet.  I did get a flashlight keychain and a tube of kid's toothpaste which was cool.

I also like going because I like to find out why half of the booths are even there.  The Living Green Festival is for companies to show off their renewable and environmentally friendly inventions and innovations and too many companies find an excuse to schill their crap there.  There was a company selling window panes and the reason they were there is because the panes were made of wood, a renewable resource, which is a lame reason.  They had a Realtor there as well and her reasoning is that the homes were made of wood.  Another great excuse for trying to be at the living green festival.

I did meet one cool guy though.  I walked up to the Metro Transit exhibit outside the grandstand where a guy handed me this cardboard puzzle thing and started talking to me about the Central Corridor.  The guy was about 6'5 and very polished for being a Metro Transit volunteer.  I asked him some questions as to whether the Corridor project was still going to happen and how cool the Hiawatha line is and then I started to walk away.

Just before I walked away I looked at his nametag and it said,
and get ready for this,
Joey Browner!  Viking Pro Bowler Joey Browner!  I was going to ask him why the hell he's here instead of pounding some hot ass downtown but the magnets were calling me.  I was thrilled and I'm sure all the hippies didn't watch football so no one was talking to him. 

-I ventured into the cafeteria at work where I usually hang out.  It's always empty and there are plenty of windows for oogling and staring out of.  This one day there were two people sitting in my spot and talking softly.  I set up my computer somewhat nearby and started tip-tapping away at my keyboard minding my own business.  I then started playing love songs on my computer and the couple eventually got up and left because I'm sure my love songs were making them uncomfortable which I thought was pretty damn funny.

It just goes to show, never underestimate the power of sexual tension and love songs.

-Broccoli and hot sauce are a great combination.

--Picking right up with my obsession with Diablo Cody, I picked up Candy Girl from the library.  It's probably the first book in 4 years I've checked out of the library and I'm horny as hell eager to read it. 

The book looks used, like any other book at the library, but it's badly water stained and the water was red (somehow).  Also when you open the book, the smell of cigarettes is so strong that I have to throw it across the room. 

I usually wouldn't mind a little water damage but the cigarette smoke is hard to handle.  I mean how can I think of Diablo Cody humping a pole if I have the smell of smoke billowing from her book?  I could talk to the library about the horrible smelling book but I really want to whack off to read it.

I guess I could stuff kleenex in my nose whenever I want to pull down my pants and read it but I'm afraid that I would look ridiculous. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Marriage for Getting Laid

But we're never gonna survive, unless...
We get a little crazy

 

I watched one of the funniest movies I have ever seen the other day.  Walk Hard: The Story of Dewey Cox is right up there with Harold and Kumar in hysterical, my-side-constantly-hurts laughing.  I started the movie thinking it was going to be the stupidest thing ever but after a couple jokes and finding out that Jenna Fischer was the main actress, I was simply hooked.

There was one part of the movie that had me thinking.  The scene was when Jenna Fischer (or "pam" as I like to call her) was laying in Dewey's bunk and she was talking about all their sexual tension and how she yearns for a man's touch.  A man's touch simply being a penis being in her vagina.  The thing is they can't have sex because they're not married and only until they're married is the day they can do sex.  Of course Dewey was already married and that never stopped him from marrying Pam but that's besides the point.

If I were Dewey, and Pam was telling me about her need for a man's touch, and all that marraige stuff, I'd seriously consider marriage.

I mean take my conscience for example.  I have the classic Devil Boof on one shoulder and the Angel Boof on the other. 

Angel Boof:  Well aint that a pisser.  She want's to get married and she wont even let you give her a breast exam.  Move on now.

Devil Boof:  MARRY HER ASS....RIGHT NOW.  FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY (AND UNHOLY) MARRY HER SO SHE CAN HAVE THAT MAN'S TOUCH.  OH MY GOD!  Well, if you need me, I'm going to go hump that napkin holder.  MARRY HER GOD DAMN IT.

Of course I wouldn't be thinking of all there is that marriage brings with the commitment, the nagging, and hosting the dinner parties.  I just want to get laid by Pam!  I mean how could any guy resist that ass?  On behalf of guys everywhere, that's just plain evil!

It makes me wonder how many people married just because they wanted to have sex.  Think of all the families, children, and horrible lives that have resulted from one impulsive thought of wanting sex.  I mean I understand people who want to wait for "the one" simply for fear of disease or pregnancy or herpes or something but I find it alarming that marriage could be used at the crutch just to lure someone in.  Wouldn't you know who "the one" is before you marry them? 

I read about a young couple in Woodbury who were waiting until their wedding day just to kiss.  The young couple were seniors in high school and I found this completely bizarre.  Why would they wait to kiss?  What would they do when they want to get close?  What if they got married and one was a horrible kisser?  If someone told me on a date that she was refusing to kiss until marriage I would walk out right there because I don't have time for that complete nonsense. 

Monday, May 12, 2008

:]

 

How hard would it have been to say some kinder words instead
I wonder as I stare up at the sky turning red

 

I have to admit that I've been a bit reclusive for the last couple weeks.  It's not that I'm feeling terrible or depressed or sick or anything.  I've actually been as happy as I can remember in the last couple years.  I'm not laying awake at night and wondering about the future and how much better my life could be if I won that blasted $180M lottery.  I'm actually waking up at a decent time and I'm not staying up terribly late.

I've also been going to the gym regularly again and increasing the endurance with some good runs every other day.  Everything is really quite nice and air is clearer and water tastes better...and all that shit.  I'm thinking that the good weather has a lot to do with things.  Any day where it doesn't look like imminent gloom makes me happy.  Having trees bloom (in the middle of May) is doing wonders for my well being. 

I feel a bit guilty not calling people back and not being as talkative as I usually am but I suppose I'm in one of my introverted moods.  The type of moods where I want nothing more than to sit in front of the TV and smell my own farts in front of the beautiful sights of Anne Hathaway.  I probably should just turn my phone off but what if Anne calls?

So I didn't mean to neglect anyone and stop posting or anything I've been too busy being happy. 

Sunday, May 11, 2008

2K Crap

Follow me, don't follow me
I've got my spine, I've got my orange crush

 

Crap List

1.  Twins radio play-by-play

I have to admit that one of the reasons why I haven't been posting lately is that I've been distracted with the all the baseball I can watch an hear.  I recently purchased the MLB.TV package and I've been watching baseball instead of being bored.  I don't know why a National's and Braves matchup would gain so much of my interest but I've been watching intently.  I've also been keeping a close eye on all the AL Central teams.

It's so sad that I recognize certain teams broadcasts.  I know that the Kansas City Royals are now on Fox Sports Net Kansas City and that channel never existed before this year.  The Tigers are not on HD nearly enough as what they should be for that market.  And of course, Vin Scully is god.

I've purchased the mlb.tv package every year in the last 3 years or so and this year MLB has really decided to not suck as bad as the other years.  I downloaded this "MLB Mosaic" deal and I've been watching 6 baseball games at once.  It's great and all I need is to buy a pack of hot dogs and then I'll be totally pathetic.

I also get all the radio broadcasts for each team and since all Twins games are blacked out from TV, I will always follow the Twins on the radio.  I will then tune into the opponents radio broadcast because I enjoy listening to someone new and I like the objective opinion they have on the Twins.  After listening to the White Sox radio announcers of Ed Farmer and Steve Stone I have come to the conclusion that the Twins radio announcers are completely worthless and nearly unbearable to listen to.

For instance,

Dan:  And now Punto is up and he takes a hack at the first pitch and pops it up...Punto is hitting .250 in his last five games.  Next pitch...sawed off.

See, usually when someone says "...and he pops it up" that means that the hitter POPS IT UP and the ball is catchable.  I'm thinking of a lazy infield fly.  But no, it's a "foul ball, out of play" which is supposed to be assumed with the Gladden's "popped up" call.

Compare that to Ed Farmer and Steve Stone who were breaking down pitch counts and talking pitchers strategy whenever an odd pitching count was present.  Farmer and Stone had me captivated when they were talking about how managers roll a baseball down the infield lines just to see how a ball rolls inside the line for bunting plays and how a runner on third leads off in foul territory and heads back to third base in fair territory.

Oh I laughed, I cried, and I applauded at the end. 

Then there's John Gordon whom isn't much better.  He's lucky if he can get the players correct.  I think I heard him make this call one time,

"And it's a fly ball to DEEP right field, Carew goes back...and bounces off the wall, Markakis throws it to the cutoff and Radke is in there with a double."

(blink:blink)

Now how in the fucking hell are you supposed to visualize that?

-People and Gas Prices

We have a society of lemmings.  Last week one of the gas stations around town were tardy in adding thirty cents to their gas prices because they change their prices the beginning of the next day.  Therefore everyone around town lined up at that gas station to pump gas that was thirty cents per gallon cheaper.

People were waiting 90 minutes in line.
People were coming from 100 miles away.
All to save thirty cents per gallon.

Let's do the math real quick.  For me, my tank is about 15 gallons.  .30 times 15 is about $4.50 in savings which isn't bad.  But if you're going to wait 90 minutes to save $4.50 then you're a complete loser.  If you're coming from 100 miles away to wait 90 minutes to save $4.50 (or even $12 if you have a big truck) then you are a complete retarded loser because A) it suggests that an hour of your time is only worth $4.50 and you have nothing better to do and B) If you own a truck you should be making enough to support a lifestyle of owning a big truck therefore saving $12 shouldn't be that big of a deal.

I suppose I'm not terribly surprised.  We still live in a society where walking/running 2K's is a major achievement. 
2 Kilometers!  That's just over a mile!  I could walk a 2K being hungover and with the bright sunshine in my face and I would probably run another 2K's simply because I would want to break a sweat.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The No-Hitter

 

I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity
Who uses a machete to cut through red tape
With fingernails that shine like justice
And a voice that is dark like tinted glass

 

The no-hitter in baseball is the equivalent of winning the pie eating contest, winning the fantasy football superbowl when your team is a load of shit, and having your boss being kicked in the nuts in some haphazard incident involving flying tile and a creatively placed pencil.  The no-hitter is what I've called being "skunked" in cribbage and being 8 years old and shot while turkey hunting with your high and drunk dad in the woods.  Well, maybe not that last example but according to the father that might work.

The no-hitter is the epitome of a pitcher's resume (unless you are Jack Morris or Curt Schilling).  Amazing things happen when a pitcher is pitching a no-no late in the game.  You'll find opposing fans rooting against their team, you'll hear the fans cheer just a bit louder as every out is recorded, and the pitcher look about as uncomfortable as Roger Clemons at anytime nowadays. 

One of the biggest reasons why I attend so many Twins games is that I have always wanted to see a no-hitter.  I've always wanted to frame that ticket stub and have it on my bedroom wall.  There's only a couple no-hitters pitched in a season so it's almost like winning the lottery when it does happen.

I nearly attended one with Johan Santana pitching against the Brewers a couple years ago.  With every out he made after that 5th inning the crowd began to cheer louder.  With every two strike count the fans would gradually start to stand up and cheer.  He made it to the 7th inning (I believe) and finally gave up a hit.  It sucked and the entire defense was willing to do whatever it took to keep that ball from hitting the ground but it just wasn't enough.

I've always wondered what it would be like to be a catcher in that instance; you're calling the came of this pitcher's life and any wrong pitch will screw everything up.  Or to be the manager and have the shortstop play closer to 2nd while the worst hitter hits a dinker in the middle of 2nd and 3rd.  I've heard of stories where a pitcher gives up a lead off home run and pitches a perfect game after that which has to be funny to someone (okay, I'm laughing actually). 

It would also be cool to win the lottery.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Iron Crap

It doesn't mean much
it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I've left behind me
is a cold room

 

Crap List

1.  Comic Book Movies

Iron Man was pretty good, I'll admit that right now.  Tons of action, dialogue was okay, and it was entertaining.  If there was a problem with the movie it's that it follows every single plot outline in every single comic book/action figure movie.  There's really nothing surprising about the basic aspects of the movie.

I mean I could make up a guy, say _____man where the protagonist is very humbled in the beginning.  Then there's a montage (gotta be a mon-TAGE) where they're creating their suit/uniform.  Finally there's the battle at the end where it turns out the antagonist is a former friend/partner.  Add a couple clever lines, explosions, sexual innuendos, and the guest appearance of Stan Lee  and you pretty much have your own movie based from a comic book.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Iron Bits

My life is like a picture left
Out too long in the sun
Now I'm trying to remember all
The faces of the names I've loved

 

-So I think I have an old man stalking me at the gym.  This old man is pretty nice, overly nice, and he always seems to follow me in the locker room.  One time I was in the shower and I dropped my container of soap.  He stood outside the stall and asked me if I was okay.  I was but that violates code 59 in the latest edition Men's Bathroom Etiquette.  I mean what the hell does he care if I stubbed my toe in the shower.

Also I've been trying to change up my schedule in an effort to avoid him in the locker room.  It's almost as if he's watching me work out too which gives me the creeps.  I guess I could throw the guy against a wall or something seeing that I am a guy and I am bigger than him. 

I guess it wouldn't be so bad if this woman were there instead.

-Kathleen Edwards is coming to town (tonight actually) and I'm hoping I can attend the concert.  See, the deal is I don't have any work scheduled but that doesn't mean that no work will happen.  It's usually in this scenario that if you make plans away from work, then something will come up at work. 

Anyway I'm eager to go to this concert because the last time I saw her I wore my Cowboy Junkies shirt to which Edwards made note of during the concert (I know, I tried to hump her leg after that too but she resisted...dammit).  I then went to a Cowboy Junkies show and met with the lead singer afterwards.  I told her how Edwards was a fan of theirs. 

So fast forward to this year and now Edwards is opening a couple shows for the Junkies.  I would love to think that I had something to do with that since I was the glue that held their networking together even though I think they're under the same management, all Canadian, and both are in the same genre) but that's all poppycock, I know they came together with the help of me.  I need this!

-I've always wanted to have an Australian accent.

-Wouldn't Steel Man be lighter, stronger, and more sleek than any Iron Man would be?