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Monday, December 22, 2008

Tranny (no, not that kind of tranny) Crap

When this worlds closing in
There's no need to pretend
Set me free - darling rescue me

 

Crap List

1.  Stranded (nearly)

I made my yearly pilgrimage to the Mall of America on Saturday in my attempt to find gifts for my family.  Usually I just wander around the Mall hoping I stumble upon something that someone in my family will like.  Unfortunately these wandering events end up taking a couple hours and we were in the midst of about 4-5 inches of snow and damn cold temperatures right behind it.

After my successful pilgrimage I headed out to my car and warmed it up for about 15 minutes because I was A) lazy and B) cold.  Naturally I put the car in reverse when I start to have some troubles.  Car was moving but very slightly.  Eventually I back out of my spot and shift to drive when nothing happens.  I then get the 'deer-in-headlights/oh-shit' look on my face because this is very much a transmission-type problem complete with scary icon light on my dashboard.  I sit in my car for another 10 minutes cursing and saying "bah-humbug" when I try it again.  Just like Marty McFly when he head butts the wheel, my car started to move swiftly through the snow.

After a night of trying to figure out how I'm going to find $3000 in funds for a new transmission I woke up the next morning to find that my car simply wont move which was making my wallet cry.  I called my dad to hear his advice and he wisely told me to check the transmission fluid.  I kinda rolled my eyes when he said this because I just had my transmission fluid flushed about a week in a half ago....

A week in a half ago
desk douche:  Hey Tom, we noticed that your transmission fluid was very, very dark and your air filter needs cleaning.  Do you want us to fix all these problems for you and rape----er do you the favor of not having to worry about all this stuff?
Boof examining the guy with a steely eye:  I actually have a K&N air filter on there which is good for the lifetime of the vehicle.  There should've been a sticker that explained this...
desk douche:  Oh, uh well, we didn't know

(this is a tell tale sign that they're giving you BS.  Everyone knows that K&N air filters are legit and this is a ploy these stupid lube places try to bring on you.)

desk douche:  What about the tranny fluid?  We can give you a transmission flush right now...
Boof:  Ah, hmmm...
desk douche:  ...it's really, really dark.
Boof:  alright might as well.  Fuck it.  God damn you are pushy bastards!

 

Anyway I top my car with tranny fluid and it works like new.  The scary icon light even turned off which makes my mouth water knowing the ass chewing I'm going to give that desk douche tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Rare Bits

I don't ever wanna drink again
I just ooh I just need a friend

 

-The Baseball Hall of Fame veterans panel convened to select a peer into the hall of fame a couple days ago and such local names like Jack Morris, Bert Blyleven, and Tony Oliva have been sprouting up since.  To me, Morris is a candidate only because of game 7 alone which has been regarded as the best pitched World Series game ever.  Still, I'm not sure he should be in.  Blyleven should just because of his crazy ass curve ball.  I have always dreamed about facing such a curveball and missing it by about two feet.  Oliva is probably the least likely out of the bunch but oh well. 

After taking up a number of votes the HOF veterans committee selected.....Joe Gordon.  I immediately thought Joe Gordon was a broadcaster of some sort or perhaps the nickname of Babe Ruth's jockstrap.  As it turns out, he was the 2nd basemen for the Yankees in the 30's and 40's.

I mean when they talk about the early Yankees they always mention Mantle, Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Berra, Maris, and a handful of other 2nd tier players like Rizzuto and Larsen.  Not once had I ever caught anyone by the name of Joe Gordon.  In fact, Rizzuto being in the Hall of Fame is a bit of a joke and shows the bullshit Yankee allegiance from the voters.  With that being said, I have to question the induction of Joe Gordon simply because I've never heard of the guy before. 

I mean I've heard of Billy Ripken, the original Fuck Face, but not Joe Gordon.

-I've been listening to the music of Amy Winehouse (of all people) thanks to the wonderful site pandora.com.  I didn't know much about Winehouse other than she's the youngest person who is about to die and that she's uglier than hell but her music is awesome. 

-I'm not fired yet although things have definitely become more tense on the floor where everyone is at.  It's a bit like being a kid and having all thirty of your parents fighting each other at one time.  On top of that, it's like 7 of those parents are going to be axed so it's kinda like being.....in some nonsensical Michael Bay movie. 

Monday, December 08, 2008

Economical Crap

The look on your face yanks my neck on the chain
And I would do anything
To see you again

Crap List

1.  The God Damn Economy

I come home Friday to find that I have two *TWO* letters from my company.  One is my usual pay stub and the other is something different.  I usually can always tell the other letters by how the accounting department misspells my name.  Anyway I open it up and it reads as follows:

Hello Thomas (not my real name), I regret to inform you that we will no longer be matching your 401k investment due to the horrible economy.  Thank you and have a nice day.

After reading that scroll of sunshine I murmured a couple things under my breath:  The first was "Curse those baby boomers".  Reason being is because I have this sneaking suspicion that all the babyboomers are going to screw everything up for us gen y'ers (or x'ers or whatever the hell we are).  I'm worried that all these 60-something people will never retire and simply hold on to their job not allowing another generation (mine) to cycle through the work force.  Add to that the thought of all those baby boomers in Florida and Arizona and how we're probably going to have to bail them out through social security and how we're not going to see any of it.  I already get annoyed when I have to show them something on the computer. 

It all makes me hate Hitler even more because if it hadn't been for him we wouldn't have WWII, which means we wouldn't have all those horny people in the 40's and 50's which means everyone wouldn't impregnate everyone which means that we wouldn't have all those baby boomers.  Damn Hitler (of course a Hitler apologist would blame it on the Jews but lets not start a WWIII over the scenario). 

Babyboomers isn't even what I intended to bitch about either.  I originally wanted to bitch about all those people who bought way beyond their means.  I remember hearing a stat from 2006 where people were buying more than they were saving which I found to be rather scary.  It means that people where generally digging themselves in a financial hole and no one really cared much about it.  If I were smart, I would've have the forsight to move everything into a money market account but I'm 29 and have retirement on the horizon about 35 years into the future so I'll ride this out for 35 years...Anyway I would hear about fellow classmates buying brand new cars (which is stupid in of itself) and not having a job to pay for it.

"Hey man, money is cheap nowadays.  The interest is dirt cheap"  he would say.   So because the interest rate wasn't 17% this is a great deal?  Everywhere people were doing this along with buying houses way beyond their means.  I remember being approved on a $200,000 mortgage 4 years ago and after doing the math, there's no way I could afford such a mortgage despite every babyboomer telling me to buy a house.

"It's the best investment you could ever have."
"Houses NEVER go down in value."
"Go ahead, just do it"

and I just didn't feel right about it at the time.  So I rented and sure enough houses went down in value and my potential financial situation would be so tight that I would be watching Ducktales for advice from Scrooge McDuck.  I knew I couldn't afford a $200,000 mortgage, so what the fuck was wrong with everyone else who couldn't afford a similar mortgage?  Didn't anyone ever take any sort of common sense money management course in high school? 

But maybe I'm just a little fiscally conservative for most people.  I hate spending more than $200 and my parents have always told me to save 10% of what I earn.  Apparently everyone spends all of what they earn and would prefer to live like that.  That's fine but I hate having to worry about keeping my job and having my 401k reduced because of all these stupid fucktards that did this.  These stupid fucktards are also the ones being bailed out which infuriates me more because while they kept bouncing checks and pretending to be a bunch of middle class MC Hammers, I managed my money and was very careful but I'm not getting anything but a trickle down effect of poison from these idiots.  Now it's me who has to suffer the consequences of a bunch of douchebags who believed other douchebags and spent like douchebags.

I swear, everyone of a credit score south of 500 should be sent to Iowa to farm and figure out how to be fiscally smart. 

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Can the Vikings Win?

after the service when you're walking slowly to the car
and the silver in her hair shines in the cold November air
you hear the tolling bell
and touch the silk in your lapel


I remember watching Vikings football in the early 90's.  I had hope every game, there were players who I loved to watch, and every year it seemed like we had a shot of making the playoffs and possibly making it to the Superbowl.  We had players like Doleman, Carter, and Warren Moon and every game I would be glued to the TV.  I would yell at my dad whenever he would mention the Packers and I had the Doritoes and Milk flowing.

Not much has changed since the 90's because the Vikings still have players to root for and I have hope every single game.  The only way I differ is their shot in making the playoffs.  I mean, they *could* make the playoffs but so what?  I'm so sick of seeing Minnesota teams making the playoffs and losing right away that I would almost wait until we have a better team with a better quarterback and then waste our time watching them. 

I know, I know "Trent Dilfer won the Superbowl" and Doug Johnson did this and Rudy did that.  Folks, we're talking about Vikings football where all miracles come AGAINST the Vikings.  The whole notion of wishing for luck when it comes to Vikings football seems like a joke and for some reason and I think of us as the Washington Generals and everyone we play in the playoffs are the Globetrotters. 

Seriously, Gus Frerrote is going to lead us to the Superbowl?  We're supposed to win 2 of the last 4 games without 2 Probowl defensive lineman?  Brad Childress is going to win any of these games with his poor play calling? 

I certainly hope so, but reality says that this is another mediocre year in a terrible division with a coach who is over his head. 

All I do know is after watching 15+ years of Vikings football is that this game against the Lions is the classic game the Vikings lose.  I remember in 2003 when the Vikings had two win the last two games of the year.  Game 15 was against the Chiefs who were nearly unstoppable and nearly everyone wrote this game off as a loss.  Game 16 was against one of the worst teams of the year in Arizona. 

End result:  We blew away the Chiefs and lost to the Cardinals in dramatic fashion.  We don't have this same scenario this week but the Lions are really, really bad and some people would say that they're due.  They also may be without the Williams duo and if that's the case, I can see Kevin Smith running all over us.  ugh. 

Prove me wrong guys, prove me wrong